Chapter 1: The Broken Deal

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of the characters.

Author's Note: This story is dedicated to my dear friend knightales, who gave me the inspiration and encouragement to write this story. Love you friend! This story is also dedicated to those who know what it's like to have your heart broken by the one person who will hold it forever.

'A hundred hearts would be too few

To carry all my love for you'

Anonymous

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." Kendall Knight gave a weary sigh as he positioned his naked body to an upright sitting position on the bed. "How many times have I told you not to say that?" he said jadedly, his gaze firmly fixed away from the chocolate eyes of Logan Mitchell. "I'm sorry" whispered Logan softly. He was hoping for some sort of reaction on the blonde's part, but his optimism immediately collapsed upon itself. Kendall hadn't said anything to him since they had started their little arrangement, so his present silence wasn't much of a surprise. He looked up at Kendall, who was now rolling his neck, indifferent to the blatant affection shown to him by the brunette. "Look Logan, I've been meaning to tell you something." Logan looked up, hoping against hope, that he the words he so longed to hear would be uttered. "Maybe we should stop this," said Kendall quietly. The brunette rolled his eyes dejectedly. "That's what you said the last time too."

"I mean it this time." The blonde stood up and started to search for his scattered clothes across the room. "Jo and I… I mean, if she ever found out, if anyone found out-"

"I know the consequences." Kendall froze momentarily as his T-shirt hid the sight of his golden body away from the world. He wanted to offer some kind of condolence to Logan, but the words evaded him. It never ceased to amaze him how the two of them started sleeping together, but one thing was for sure: it had to end here. He slid into his underwear and jeans, before grabbing his car keys from Logan's table opposite the bed. "See you at school tomorrow?" he asked nonchalantly, not even bothering to turn around. "Yeah."

Logan stared up at the ceiling until he heard the engine of Kendall's car come to life. He gazed out of the window to see the crimson sun blaze the sky orange as it dipped below the horizon. Only then did he allow the devastating grief laying dormant in his heart to come to life. Maybe Kendall was right, maybe it did have to stop. It hurt too much to have to continually lay your heart and soul out to the one you love, only to have it flung back in your face. A tear as lonesome as himself percolated from the cocoa depths of his eyes and ran a salty path down his cheek. "I love you" was the only thought that echoed in the recesses of his mind. He turned to his side and brushed his hand over the rumpled sheets where Kendall had lain. He closed his eyes and reminisced about the hour that had just passed: how Kendall crudely locked his lips onto his own; how he had allowed himself to be so submissive as Kendall's length continually shoved itself deeper and deeper into his body. He winced as he remembered how their bodies shuddered together in orgasm, both of them speaking fluently in a language of pleasurable moans. Try as he might, he could not get the hockey captain out of his system. Kendall Knight was his drug, and he was addicted for life.

SIX MONTHS EARLIER

Had anyone ever told Logan Mitchell that he was going to fall head over heels for the most popular guy at Palm Wood High, he would have punched them in the face. Or hit them with his physics textbook, whichever was harder. He might not have had any luck with girls in his coy lifetime, but that didn't stop him from admiring them. He was a quiet guy, always keeping to himself, shunning the racy teenage lifestyle at the school for the calm solitude of its libraries. He wasn't a nerd - he took great offense to that. He got along with everyone at school, seamlessly blending in with all the social subsets. But no one is immune to the vicissitudes of high school: while Logan remained on good terms with everyone, he never really came into his own. He was always in the background, a forgotten face amongst the crowds.

The loneliness never really bothered him. His schoolwork always kept him busy. He spent all his free time trying to hone his already perfect grades to fulfill his dream of becoming a chemical engineer. That all changed when he saw Kendall Knight up close for the first time. He had always seen the popular jock in passing in the halls, or in the English class they shared, but never really paid attention to him. When he got paired up with the blonde for a forgettable poetry assignment, he thought it would be business as usual: they would work together to complete the stupid thing, hand it in, and never have any contact with each other again, apart from the occasional 'hey' or friendly jerk of the head. Never in his most far-flung thoughts did he think that he'd be meeting the person who would be the object of his deep devotion – and the person who would break his heart into jagged little shards.

It started out innocently enough. Kendall was the kind of guy who could make you feel like you were the only person in the world that mattered when he was with you. His charisma and extrovert persona charmed the shy brunette to no end. During their afternoons of working together, the hockey captain often invaded the secluded mind of the bookworm. The brunette often wondered what twist of fate made them get paired up for this, seeing as he was a social nobody and Kendall was the king of the school. In the night, just before he fell off to sleep, he'd think of the blonde – not in any specific way, just think about him. Slowly but surely Kendall Knight unknowingly wound his way into his English partner's subconscious, becoming somewhat of a silent obsession to him. It wasn't until one fateful day that Logan realized how deeply he had fallen. The funny thing was Kendall didn't do anything out of the ordinary. He didn't save Logan's life, or give him a ride home, or even pay any excess attention to him. He simply walked through the school door. Logan had looked up from the small printed words of his textbook, and felt his heart do a flip a gymnast would have been proud of. The sunlight wove itself in the hockey player's short golden locks as he flashed out his usual knee-buckling smile. His emerald eyes sparkled as they laid themselves upon his girlfriend Jo, the love of his life. As he watched his perfect lips meet hers, Logan felt a sharp pain develop in his chest. His eyes widened in horror as realization finally made its long awaited visit to him: he had fallen in love with Kendall Knight.

That night as he lay in bed, Logan turned restlessly from side to side, pondering on the dilemma that was his feelings. How could have them in the first place? He wasn't gay. Sure, he didn't have a steady girlfriend since the eighth grade, and had been single for the better part of his high school career, but that didn't mean he batted for the other team… did it? "And yet, he still found his way into you didn't he?" said a small voice in his head. Yes, he did. Kendall had struck a chord so deep within him; he feared it might never right itself.

"You've been acting weird" stated Kendall unexpectedly on the afternoon before the project was due. "Huh?" Logan looked up from his notebook. His meticulous notes on Shakespeare's sonnets might have well been written in Cantonese since none of it made sense to him now. Then again, nothing made sense when he was this close to Kendall. The blonde snorted in good humor. "I said you've been acting weird."

"I haven't."

"Yeah you have. You've been quiet this entire time."

"I'm always quiet Kendall." Kendall smiled at the brunette, who gulped nervously. "Not around me." Logan blushed scarlet. "We should really get back to this; we don't have a lot of time-"

"What's wrong Mitchell?" Logan felt his heart beat out rapid thumps against his chest. "No- nothing." Kendall leaned in closer. Logan stared down at the neat handwriting of his notebook. Had he really made it that obvious? "Come on Mitchell, tell me." The blonde gently grabbed his wrist in compassion, causing the bookworm's breaths to come out in short, soft gasps. He swung his head to Kendall and saw a playful concern set itself on his face. "I... I… I can't" stammered Logan, praying that Kendall would back off. The hockey captain frowned slightly. "Why not?"

"I just can't."

"OK then." Kendall grabbed Logan's notebook from out of his hands and flung it across the mahogany table of the Mitchell dining room. "Hey, what'd you do that for?" protested Logan. "We need to get this assignment done by today." Kendall smirked playfully. "We're not going to do anything until you tell me what your deal is."

"I told you, I can't!"

"Why not?" Logan stared down pointedly. Kendall raised an eyebrow at him in thought. "Does it have anything to do with me?" he asked. As if on its own accord, Logan's head nodded. Kendall pressed on further. "So what? Do you hate my guts or something?"

"No" was the quiet reply. Kendall gave a short chuckle. "Then what, are you in love with me Mitchell?" he asked jokingly. Silence followed as Logan's eyes darted around the room nervously. Again, Logan lost all voluntary control of his body as his mouth opened to give an answer. "Yes." Kendall stared at the brunette with raised eyebrows and a slightly open mouth before breaking into hard bout of laughter. Logan shut his eyes in pain and waited for him to stop. "Good one" said the blonde breathlessly, clapping his open hand on Logan's back. As he was about to go back to his notes, Logan grabbed him by the collar and forcefully pressed his lips onto the blonde's. The achingly soft petals of his lips begged for the blonde to respond in kind. Kendall withdrew his hand from Logan's back and froze up in his chair. "What the fuck" he thought. He placed his hands on Logan's arms and brusquely pushed him away. "Get the fuck away from me fag" he growled angrily. He stormed out of the house, letting the door slam loudly behind him. Logan stared down at his fingers quietly. "What have I done?"

Logan completed the assignment by himself that night, and handed it in the next day, splitting the credit equally between him and Kendall. He avoided the hockey captain and headed straight for the library after school. He wanted to die of humiliation after yesterday. Why the hell did he have to go and kiss him? Soon, the entire school would know, and there would be no way of escaping all of the secret gossiping and catcalling in the hallways. Not to mention, his parents would probably forever hide in shame if they ever found out that their trophy son with perfect grades kissed another boy. He hated himself for feeling this way towards Kendall, and even more so for having kissed him. He should have known better that there was no possible way that the hockey captain felt the same way. It was just a saccharine fantasy.

It came as a surprise when Kendall walked up to him in English class two weeks later. Logan fearfully looked up before averting his gaze elsewhere. Kendall bent down so that the he forced the brunette to look him straight in the eye. "Meet me after school by my car" he said plainly. "We need to talk." Logan nodded and dropped his head apologetically. How he made it through the rest of the day was a mystery to him. His brain went on autopilot as he kept wondering about what Kendall wanted to talk about. "Maybe he doesn't want to talk" he thought. "Maybe he just wants to beat me senseless." His insides turned cold with fear. Kendall didn't seem the type of person to resort to violence, but what if he did? "I deserve it" he thought guiltily.

Soon after the final bell had rung for the day, Logan made his way down to Kendall's car as he had promised. He admired the sleek finish of the silver Mercedes C200. According to what he had heard, Kendall had gotten it the day after he received his driver's license. "Lucky guy" thought Logan. His head perked up at the sound of approaching footsteps. He turned around to see a serious Kendall staring blankly at him. "You came" he said, his voice expressionless. Logan looked at him bemusedly. "You asked me to come, remember?"

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd show." Logan shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"What happened two weeks ago." Logan was shocked at the lack of hesitation that Kendall showed. Given how they last left off things, Kendall shouldn't have even been talking to him. Kendall noticed the brunette's worried ruminations and took a step forward. "Did you mean it?" Logan looked up sharply. "Mean what?"

"That you loved me." A paralyzing nausea began to grow inside Logan. Was Kendall really asking him this? "Yeah" he said softly. "I did." Kendall raised his eyebrows as he examined Logan. The brunette grew nervous under the scrutinizing gaze. "Look, I'm sorry I kissed you. It never should have happened."

"And yet it did." Kendall took another step forward. "I'll make a deal with you." Logan tilted his head in confusion. Kendall gave him a half smile. "I won't tell anyone about what happened or your feelings for me." Logan bit his bottom lip. "In exchange for what?" he asked. Kendall artfully raised an eyebrow. "Sleep with me." Adrenaline pumped through Logan's body. He must have heard the hockey captain incorrectly. He definitely did not say 'sleep'. "What?"

"Sleep with me" said Kendall simply. Logan tried wrapping his head around the situation. "You want me to sleep with you?" Kendall smirked to show his acceptance. "But.. you're straight" said Logan, desperately trying not to give into his dizziness. "And what about Jo?"

"I am straight. And Jo doesn't have to know." Logan shook his head to try and clear it. "How can you sleep with me and still say you're straight?"

"Mitchell, I'm not proposing to you. All I'm asking for is a little fun on the side." He walked right up to the quivering brunette. "The way I see it , it's a win-win for both of us. Actually more for you than me." Logan turned his head away. This was all happening so fast. He wanted to be with Kendall, but like this? To be blackmailed? Kendall gave him a smug look. "Going once" he said softly. "Going twice…" Logan turned around furiously. "Fine. I'll do it."

"Sold."

That afternoon Logan lost his virginity to the hockey captain. He didn't know if he did it willingly or not, he just did. As he lay in bed, he thought about what had happened. He could still feel Kendall's hands roaming all over his naked body, setting him on fire. The sound of Kendall's lusty moan as his climax drew near was still fresh in his mind. He could still feel the aftermath of his own sweet carnal release as his body convulsed underneath the blonde's. He wanted more. He wanted Kendall to be right there with him, ravishing him with licentious abandon. Sleeping with Kendall Knight only furthered his desire.

As much as he wouldn't admit it, Logan had enjoyed his tryst with the blonde. And as much as he enjoyed it, he often wondered whether it would be a once-off deal. As he walked around the school in those following weeks, his ears were carefully scanning the drone of conversation around him for any sign of his name. He always breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his locker, indicating that no one knew about him and Kendall. Unpredictably, Kendall himself didn't treat him much differently. Logan, hoping for some sort of secret smile or wink, was sadly disappointed. Kendall seemed to lose all interest in the world around him when he was with Jo.

But the afternoons were his and his alone. Together, Logan and Kendall created a private oasis of lust and headiness whenever they got together. Initially, their meetings were infrequent, happening only at Kendall's command. Logan couldn't help being captured by it, by him. Kendall Knight was everything he wasn't, everything he wanted to be, and couldn't believe that his love craved the company of his own body. As time grew on, Logan became more confident, even dragging the jock off for a private make out session in the locker room one day. Each day he fell deeper and deeper in the giddy swirl of his own emotions, craving Kendall like the air he breathed. As he did, he began to break the cardinal rule of casual sex: he got emotionally involved. For the brunette, sex was a physical manifestation of the deep desire a person held in their heart for someone else. Kendall might be using him, but he didn't care. He needed the blonde to know how he felt. That's when the 'I love you's' started. Kendall had politely ignored them at first, preferring to silently bask in the flushed glow after their lovemaking, but it soon became a nuisance to him. "Why the hell do you keep saying that?" he asked sternly one day. "Because it's true."

"Look Mitchell, I'm not gay OK? Whatever we have going on here, it doesn't involve love or anything like that." Logan wanted to ask him why he didn't sleep with Jo, because he seemingly loved her so much, but thought against it. The fact that Kendall was here with him seemed to satisfy him for now. He'd make do with what he had.

PRESENT DAY

Logan ignored the distant call of his name from the living room, indicating his parents' arrival from work. In making do with empty moments that were mere snippets of his fantasy, he'd starved himself of what he'd wanted for so long. "I'm such an ass" he thought desolately. Ever since Kendall had first spoken out against his post-sex confessions of love, he'd knew that there twisted relationship would come to an end. Kendall had other priorities, mainly Jo. He'd probably go to the same college as her, marry her and settle down and fulfill that stereotypical family ideal, complete with a white picket fence, two kids and a Labrador. Logan would stay forgotten, unable to move on from something that wasn't really there to begin with: something that he had purposely deluded himself into believing. As the orange sky faded into black, Logan felt an unfathomable sense of dark melancholy fill the empty void where his heart had been.

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