The first time he saw her, she was still a refugee trying to earn coin for her family. He had admired her determination, the way she held herself was different from the regular castaways. The city was not kind to Fereldans, even for a respectable Templar such as himself. But he had earned his commissions and title. Knight-Captain. He never thought he would be able to live up to it. Not after…
He tried not to think about what happened in Kinloch Hold, but they still came to him unbidden. The nightmares would stay with him throughout the rest of his life, no doubt. The depravity of Uldred's monsters sometimes interspersed with memories of a particular mage. After the initial anger he had felt to the blood mages and taking it out on everyone around him, he felt incredible remorse. He just wished he could see her again and apologise.
Despite what people thought of him, he had been in love once. He thought, perhaps, once was enough.
The second time he saw her, was not how he would want any one to see him. Threatening recruits was not something he was proud of, but it had to be done. He did feel a little glad that she showed up when she did. That was because Wilmod had happily decided to turn into a giant flaming abomination. Maker's sweet breath. For a moment, a jolt of fear rooted his whole body in place. It was only muscle memory and pure instinct that made him draw his sword and shield. She had struck first, swinging her lance at the abomination with swift deftness.
When the battle was over, he turned to thank her but he had to pause. Up close, she looked so much alike to Solona, albeit a rougher and leaner version, and it almost made him weak in the knees. Solona, who rescued him from the tower. Solona, the woman he had loved once despite her being a mage. The same woman he had pushed away because she was recruited as a Warden. Of course, now she was the Hero of Ferelden. She had bigger things to be worried about.
He thought he was over her but Hawke was proof that he was not.
He forced himself to speak, to thank her. There were people watching, and he was the Knight-Captain. He could not allow himself to show weakness. He explained the situation of the missing recruits and she offered to help him. She was trying to find Keran, because his sister had begged for help.
The next time he saw her, she had dragged the man back and reported the work of blood mages in their ranks. He wanted to dash his head against the wall. Again, his mind screamed. When will it ever stop?
It was only after the Qunari attack that he discovered she was an apostate, although he did have his suspicions. He often wondered whether it was because of her fierce determination or that she resembled Solona so much that made him turn a blind eye. The Knight-Commander had declared her Champion and exempted her dedication to the Circle. For now, at least. News of her achievements in the Deep Roads had spread across the city like wildfire. She had reclaimed the Amell estate for her family. He had briefly considered returning the Amell signet ring to Hawke but decided against it. Ironically, her brother had decided to join the Order. The young man was… definitely something.
New recruits weren't allowed to leave the training quarters. Sometimes he saw her lurking around the Gallows but he never approached her to ask if she needed anything. She seemed the type of person who was completely capable on her own. Her brother asked about her once and asked if he could send her a letter. Just to let their mother know how he was doing, of course. He wasn't sure why but he offered to check on them since he was visiting Hightown anyway. He could tell the boy really wanted to know how his family was doing, despite his rather callous demeanour.
He had his own ulterior motive for that, of course.
When he knocked on the heavy mahogany door, he was sure her mother or servant would answer it. He was not expecting to see her face though. She looked at him wide surprised eyes, which instantly turned to caution. They were the same warm brown eyes that he was so used to seeing back in Ferelden. It must run in the family.
"Knight-Captain?" her voice was soft and polite.
"Champion," he intoned.
They stared at each other awkwardly for three seconds before he explained himself. Her wary look changed to excitement. How did he find that so endearing? He was just about to excuse himself after handing her the letter when her mother came to the door as well. He remembered Leandra from when he was a young boy. She often came to visit his mother and they would sit and talk for hours on end. Then she and her family had to move for some reason they had never found out. Until now, of course, they were a family of illegal apostate nomads. Cullen smiled warmly when he saw her.
"Knight-Captain! Come in!" she enthused. "It's so rare to see you out of the Gallows."
"Yes, I find myself having the day off," he said.
"Come in, have something to eat," Leandra beckoned. "We were just about to have lunch."
"I don't want to impose…"
"Nonsense!" she was all but pulling him inside and he didn't think he could possibly escape her hold.
To his surprise, Hawke had closed the door behind them. She seemed a bit tense but she still managed to smile politely at him.
"Did I ever tell you?" Leandra turned to her daughter. "Cullen's mother was a friend of mine back in Redcliffe."
"I see," a wave of understanding seemed to have washed over her and she visibly relaxed. "You're in luck, Knight Captain, my mother cooked her signature dish today."
"Please, Cullen is fine," he said. "Is it the Amell stew?"
"You remember that?" Leandra beamed proudly. "But you were so small back then."
"My mother liked to recreate it," he replied.
"I miss Meera, how is she?"
"She's great, apparently Father has managed to drop off his horse again," he told her then reminded himself that he should probably not give too much of himself away in front of the Champion.
"Oh, old Lester was always so clumsy," she chuckled.
They led him into the dining area, which was rather small and humble considering the rest of the estate. Although, he supposed with only the two of them now, he could understand if they felt uncomfortable to sit at a large table. They ate with their servants and it seemed like they were a family like that. Leandra was dead set on including him in this little setting. To his surprise, Hawke was very talkative. He supposed she missed having another Fereldan to talk to, or maybe he reminded her of her brother. She teased him about the Templar robes and it made him think of Solona again.
Overall, it was rather nice.
He had forgotten what it felt like to be with normal people (minus the Champion). When they were done with desserts, Leandra asked him what he was doing before she interrupted him. He told her he was going to the coast. The older woman's eyes lit up then. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"Eden loves going to the coast too, don't you, dear?" she looked at her daughter.
"Ah… yes, I do," Hawke replied, a little confused by the turn of events.
Eden… it was a lovely sounding name. He thought it suited her.
"Why don't you accompany Cullen? It'll probably do you well too," Leandra suggested. "If you don't mind, of course?"
She turned back to him and everyone at the table waited for his answer.
"Of course not, it would be my honour," he said, exactly the picture of gentlemanly grace.
Leandra smiled, pleased.
And that was how he had ended up at the beach with the Champion of Kirkwall. It felt a little strange, mostly because he felt so at ease with her despite the fact that she was an apostate. But everything about her was the complete opposite of that. She said that she did not like to use her magic unless she really had to. Magic was a gift, it was to be used sparingly. Lovingly.
He liked the idea of that. He wished more mages thought like her.
"Why did you become a Templar, Cullen?"
"I liked the idea of protecting people," he said.
"Protecting people…" she smiled sadly. "I like the idea of that too."
He knew what she meant. Most mages flee or avoid the Circle because they thought it was a prison. To be fair, not all the Templars were good people. Some were blinded by their hatred or ill judgments. He tried to correct that, whenever he could. He always paid close attentions to the new recruits.
"Do you miss Ferelden?"
He turned to look at her and had to catch his breath. The sea stretched out behind her like rippled glass. The sky was an endless myriad of colours as the sun began to set beneath the distant horizon. Her skin glowed softly under the light, giving her pale skin a warmer hue. Where her hair caught the sun, it shone a dark brown and her eyes were brighter from their walk. It made him think back to Solona and their conversation before she left the Circle. The sea certainly made things hopelessly romantic, he thought.
"Cullen?" she frowned in concern.
He looked away.
"Yes and no," he replied.
"I feel the same way," she said.
Of course she did. Her home was destroyed in the Blight, and she had lost her sister to the darkspawn. There were blissful and bitter memories intertwined together with that single location. He completely understood.
"Bethany might have gone to the Circle here," she looked out to the open sea. "She always told me that she was tired of hiding…"
"You still miss her?"
"I do."
She looked sad at the thought and he wanted to reach out and comfort her. But he had no idea how.
"She's at the Maker's side now," he said the only thing that he knew to say. "She is at peace."
Hawke smiled wanly at him.
"You might have liked her," she told him. "She was a devoted little Andrastian, always said her prayers and she was a good girl. She never cried, just looked at you with those big amber eyes. Everyone who ever met her instantly fell in love with her."
Amell women did have that particular trait in common. She turned away from him. He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder without even thinking about it. She looked back, a little surprised but a little grateful as well. He took that as a good sign.
"I know it must be difficult," he told her. "But your sister would want you to be happy."
"She was always like a ray of sunshine," she laughed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to burden you with all this."
"It's alright," he gave her a small smile. "It's nice to know that the Champion of Kirkwall is human after all.
She groaned. "What has Varric been saying about me now?"
Cullen had to chuckle at that. He had heard the dwarf's tall tales, certainly. Anyone with ears would want to hear the things the dwarf came up with, particularly about the Champion.
"The latest I heard was that you ripped a dragon's head apart with your bare hands," he offered. "And you hang its skull on top of your bed."
She wrinkled her nose disdainfully and it still made her look pretty.
"That's barbaric! Mother would never allow me anyway," she said.
He gave her another smile and her face softened.
"What about your family? You don't have any other siblings?" she asked.
He shook his head. "It's just me and my parents. My father was a merchant and my mother tended our garden."
"Do you miss them?"
He shrugged. "We're used to the distance. I write to them often."
She nodded her head. "I always thought family was important. I used to only have my family, we moved around too much for us to have any real friends."
They lapsed into silence and strolled along the coastline. The waves lapped against their bare feet, licking at their ankles. A sudden huge wave crashed against them, soaking most of their body. Hawke seemed to have gotten the worst of it as she was nearer to the water. She gasped out loud, freezing on the spot. They exchanged looks before laughing at each other. They decided perhaps they had overstayed their welcome on the coastline and proceeded to head back to the city. He knew she was a bit of a jokester but the stories she told him on their walk back sounded absolutely ridiculous. She told him about her companions and he noticed her face change when she talked about the apostate Anders. It was an endearing sort of look but full of pain as well. He recognised that look all too easily.
"You adore him," he pointed out and she started.
"Is it… that obvious?" she rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Bela always said our uh… sexual tension could fill up the whole of Kirkwall and make it explode."
He gave a little lopsided smirk but there was a tension in his chest as she said that. Was it jealousy? No, it was something else.
"He adores you too then?" he tried to sound casual about it but the question sounded hollow to his ears.
"I think so but… I suppose it's a bit complicated," she replied.
He wasn't sure whether he wanted to know. They could see the city closing in now, the walls casting deep shadows against the ground. There was barely any light by now. They walked back quickly to her estate, still damp as they were from the coast. He bid her good night and made his return to the Gallows. That was not the last time they would spend together at the sea.
