You Sir, Are Out of Character
If you haven't guessed by the summary, this isn't crack, it's pure crystal LSD.
Three months ago, Sakura had a choice. Either go to some rainy place for medical research and be stalked by a horny teenager claiming to be a vampire... or go to the Bayankala mountains.
It turns out, someone else wanted the Bayankala, as Konohamaru shot his hand up, "Ooh, ooh, dibs on the banana-la-la!"
And so while Konohamaru and his friends had the pleasure of pretty foreign transsexuals and lovely hot springs, Sakura slaved away countless hours on some stupid lung disease that she swears doesn't exist.
Thankfully, she managed to BS some pseudo-science up, and now, luggage in tow, dashes back to her beloved village in much longing.
Only... it seems Konoha has undergone some renovations in her absence.
"... okay, when did everything become even more anachronistic?" she questions, raising an eyebrow at all the neon flashing sign KONOHA that, for some reason, is now written in English.
But at least she sees some familiar faces, or else she would have just assumed she arrived at the other village named Konoha with a Mt. Rushmore ripoff, located in the middle of a giant dense forest in the middle of the country of Fire.
"Ah, I've been waiting for you, Sakura," Kakashi greets her with a wave.
"Hi-!"
"Let me help you with that." Kakashi interrupts, abruptly seizing hold of her luggage and striding quickly into town. "You've been gone a while, you should settle in, no? Come, we shouldn't waste time."
"Ah, okay," Sakura says, having to almost run to catch up with her sensei, who is cutting through the crowd in lightning speed-walk. Gasping, she questions, "What- what's the rush?"
"Why, I have been assigned to welcome you back, but I honestly have no-time for hellogoodbye." Upon arriving in front of her apartment, Kakashi throws all the baggage on the floor. "You see, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date."
"When have you not been?" Sakura chuckles.
"Oh no, but I cannot be late for this date, because it is with the one and only... Maito Gai!" He throws his arms in the air, tear in his eye, and Sakura's jaw parts slightly ajar because she swears there is a sunset with crashing waves and petals of youth in the background.
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!" And with that, Kakashi has bounced off.
"O-kay..." Sakura says, scratching her head. She figures maybe it's time she spoke to Tsunade about some PTSD medication for her sensei, because it feels he has finally cracked.
But first, a shower and a nice nap.
When she opens the door to her apartment, she is instantly bombarded by a blast of smoke.
"What the-" Her eyes stinging, she flickers on the light switch, and find her entire room in a fog dense enough to cut out with an exacto-knife.
"You have returned, Sakura."
Sakura recognizes the voice, and the silhouette loitering on her bed. And so, she rolls up her sleeve, stomps over, and yells, "NARUTO, what have you done NO-ow?"
She nearly leaps back, when Naruto, clad in only a pair of black jeans, stares back her, eyelids lowered, expression eerily solemn. Tucked between his lips is a pipe, and with a puff, he whispers in a coarse voice, "Wouldn't the better question be what I have not done, and will not do?"
Recovering from her shock, Sakura shakes her head and demands, "Okay, what the hell happened to you, and why the hell are you in my bed!"
Without a single flinch, Naruto gazes up at the ceiling in a dazed contemplation. "What happened, Sakura," he says in a dreary monotone, "is reality unabstracting itself into a absence of time and space, the quintessential of stillness and levity that plagues us all... I cannot pay my bills." He takes another puff.
"What."
"Your second question. I am in your bed, because I cannot pay my bills, and the landlord made me relocate."
"You cannot... how? Naruto, you save every penny you have! You cannot possibly-"
"I gave Gama-chan a rightful cremation."
"You burned your wallet?" Sakura says in horror, because that wallet has probably been Naruto's most treasured possession since... ever!
"And the money inside. Therefore, I cannot pay my bills. Therefore, I am removed from my apartment. Therefore, I choose to reside in yours." He lays out the line of reasoning her, as if speaking to a toddler.
It only makes Sakura's cranium explode. "Oh my god, okay, that's it. There's something wrong with you. I'm getting Sasuke-"
As if on cue, the door slams wide open. "I'm HE-RE!" sings a voice high enough to shatter nine cups of water, eight window panes, seven pairs of glasses, six murderous icicles, Five Akasuki Rings, four pitiful orphans, three Tsukuyomi worlds, two unstable minds, and one lovely heart stabbed on top a pear tree.
"-kun."
Sasuke, or what least some creature that still faintly resembles him, claps his hands together and gasps, "Sakura-chan! You're back!" he gushes, seizing her in a suffocating bear hug, one leg popped up. "Oh sugardrops of heaven, had I know you'd be back so soon, I would have baked more cookies!"
Sakura would ask Sasuke why he talks like a little girl from a 40s sitcom, and if is going to start tap-dancing while he is at it, but the mere mental image of that (or just the fact that he is wearing a pink shirt) has just shut off her mind completely in a raging BSOD.
"Oh, Naruto-kun! Now that Sakura-chan has returned, you should at least show some decency! You cannot have your bare chest expose in front of a lady!" Sasuke scolds, skidding over to the bed.
Naruto merely gives a scoff. "Those who impose their customs on dissonance are bound to end in miserable failure."
Sasuke only giggles, and gives Naruto a flirtatious wave. "Oh silly, you're so funny!"
It's a miracle Sakura has not fainted at this point, and when she reboots, she is absolutely, absolutely sure that on her way back home, she accidentally went the wrong way and landed in the other village named Konoha with a Mt. Rushmore ripoff, located in the middle of a giant dense forest in the middle of the country of Fire, which also just so happens to have three citizens named Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke... and also a Hokage named Tsunade.
"Beautiful observation skills, dear," Tsunade praises, smiling motherly, as she straightens the paperwork on her desk place them in her newly-acquired alphabetized cabinets. "Every single person in this village is utterly out of character. And not just any plain old, plain old bad fanfiction writing type of OOC either."
Out of nowhere, Tsunade busts out a mountain-sized vacuum and starts cleaning the equally new antique carpet that fits perfectly into the newly refurbished office, which now looks like it belongs in a old Victorian catalog for cat ladies.
Sakura has to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I'm guessing everyone has adopted the completely opposite personality of who they are."
"Oho, bingo, my genius pupil," Tsunade chuckles, as she wipes the window and carts away her snoring secretary. "As your clever little self has probably seen, Kakashi is now a frenetic burst of energetic youth on a tight schedule, Naruto finds reality, or the lack of, meaningless, insubstantial, and baseless, and Sasuke is the little sweetheart whose traumatic experience has turned him from a grumpy-pants into a shining darling who has learned to love everyone."
"Oh. My. God. And you're sober."
"Oh, how could I even fathom that horrible vice anymore. Ginger cookies?" Tsunade offers a plate of, and when Sakura declines, she merely shrugs and retreats into her armchair, stroking the cat in her lap.
"What caused all this?"
"Well, from the evidence I have gathered-" Tsunade hands Sakura a beautifully embroidered scrapbook and drenched in grandma perfume. "-it's the water in the village. Apparently, Konohamaru brought back a sample of cursed water from the Bayankala mountain hot springs, and contaminated our main drinking water system. I have tried sending for help, but..."
"But what?" Sakura questions.
"I guess I was not very specific... and the help, well, the help kind of drank the water too, deary."
"... Do I even dare asking who the help is."
As if on cue (and this time, it really is on cue), the lights all go out except for a swirling limelight, the sounds of trumpets and applause echo the office, and twenty gallons of glitter drop from the ceilings.
"Good morning, world!" comes the exclamation, as Uchiha Itachi dramatically bursts through the door. "Your beloved hero has arrived!"
