24: The Parody. Written by Daniel Barker & Sam Deere.
Set loosely after S4
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The Following takes place between 11:00 p.m and 12:00 am.
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(After a long, uninteresting day at work Jack Bauer is preparing to retire for the night when the phone rings. He yawns and answers the ringing phone)
Jack: Hello?
Edgar: Jack, a nuclear bomb has been found hidden in the French embassy and you have to find and capture the man responsible for planting it.
Jack: The French Embassy you say?
Edgar: Yeah, I hate the French too, but the President has ordered YOU to deal with it.
Jack: Bastard Logan. (Sighs) OK, I'll be there in about 5 minutes. Tell Chloe to get an espresso ready, will ya.
Edgar: Ok Jack. (Hangs up the phone) Chloe! Jack wants an espresso when he gets here.
Chloe: But I made the coffee for Bill earlier, it's your turn.
Edgar: There is a crisis here and I'm busy with the work that Buchanan gave me so just do it.
(Chloe begrudgingly heads to the cafeteria)
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Montage of CTU agents tiredly entering CTU, Chloe and others preparing drinks and Jack pulling into the carpark.
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(Jack enters)
Jack: Sup edgar.
Edgar: Yo Jack.
Tony: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jack.
Jack: Hey Tone, I thought you left.
Tony: Yeah... Well... I miss it here okay STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT! (Storms off angry)
Jack stares for a minute: Touchy. So what's the deal with this embassy bomb then?
Chloe: Here's your coffee, Jack.
Jack: Thanks biatch.
Bill: President Logan called, the French found a bomb that was linked to a man who goes by the name of "The Brick"
Jack: The Brick? (Giggles like a schoolgirl) Seriously?
Bill: Yes. When have I ever joked to you Jack?
Jack: You have a point Bill.
(Buchanan puts down a spear)
Jack: So, The Brick (Giggles), is linked to the embassy bomb. We should bring him in for questioning.
Bill: That's why I need you at this hour Jack. Your the only one cool enough to go in and get The Brick.
Jack: That is true. Dammit. So where is he now then?
Bill: He's in a fancy hotel about 2 and a half miles from here. You can use your car or take a chopper.
Jack: That's okay, I'll walk, I need the exercise. My doctor says my cholesterol is in Edgar territory.
Edgar: Hey, I'm right here!
Bill: Take John and Dave with you, they need some field experience and maybe your Cool will rub off on them.
Jack: You mean they take the fire whilst I'm okay?
Bill: Something like that, yeah.
Dave to John: Well at least we go out fighting with THE Jack Bauer!
John to Dave: He's so awesome!
Jack: Yeah, I see why you want these guys to come with me.
Tony: Jack... Be careful.
Jack: Tony... Thanks.
Jack: Dave, John lets go!
Dave: HA! He spoke to me first!
John: Bugger!
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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The Streets.
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(Jack, Dave and John are cycling to The Brick's hotel)
John: I'm glad we got these bikes. I couldn't have walked all that way.
Jack: Yeah, but did you have to take your bike from that little girl? She was 3.
John: I gave her my gun as a trade.
Dave: You shouldn't have done that. What if someone shoots at us? How you gonna defend yourself?
John: Dude, we have Jack Bauer.
Dave: Good point.
Jack: Am I that special?
Dave: Yeah, me and Dave had posters of you on our academy dorm-room walls.
Jack: Wow. Wait, posters?
Dave: Yeah, posters. The one with you pointing your gun at something, and that giant one of your face staring straight ahead.
Jack: I don't remember posing for any posters.
John: Well, we had them.
Dave: I still have mine. I'll have to show it to you sometime.
Jack: Errrmm yeah.
John: Look what I can do. (Tries a bunny hop and falls off his bike) Owwwww!
(Jack and Dave laugh at him)
Dave: What a douche!
Jack: Yeah, that was classic.
(John gets back on his bike)
John: That wasn't funny. I hurt myself.
Dave: Which makes it funnier.
John quietly to himself: Assholes.
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CTU.
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Tony: Snap!
Edgar: Dammit!
Bill: How are you so good at this?
Tony: I had alot of spare time when I got fired.
Bill: You were living alone.
Tony: Exactly.
Edgar: Is Curtis coming in for this new attack?
Bill: I've not rung him yet.
Tony: Let me do it.
Bill: No, you'll be abusive.
Tony: I'm not abusive, you stupid old bastard.
Edgar: You're right Bill, he is abusive.
Tony: FUCK YOU (Points to Edgar) FUCK YOU (Points to Bill) AND FUCK YOU (Points to Random CTU Guy)
RCG: What I do?
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Brick's Hotel Room.
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(Brick and his henchmen are playing Charades. Henchman #1 is acting out "Godzilla)
Brick: It's a film.
(Henchman #1 holds up one finger)
Brick: One word.
(Henchman #1 acts like a monster)
Brick: Your a zombie?
(Henchman #1 shakes his head)
Brick: A... robot?
(Henchman #1 shakes his head)
Brick: A... monster?
(Henchman #1 nods)
Brick: So, a one word monster movie? Hmmmmm... Gigli?
(Henchman #1 shakes his head)
Brick: Hmmmm. Where is Henchman #2 with my coffee?
(Henchman #1 shrugs and acts like a monster again)
Brick: Are you... Godzilla?
(Henchman #1 smiles and nods)
Brick: Yess!
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Hallway Outside Brick's Apartment.
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(A man carrying a Starbucks coffee cup is walking towards the door. Just as he gets there, Jack grabs him from behind and slits his throat)
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Brick's Apartment.
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(Henchman #1 leaves the room to go toilet. A knock is heard at the door)
Brick: That'll be #2 with my coffee. (He gets up to answer it. When he opens the door, John enters the room, followed by Jack, who punches him in the face)
Jack: He'll be out for a while.
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Brick's Bathroom.
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(Henchman #1 is struggling on the toilet)
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Brick's Main Room.
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(Jack has phoned CTU)
Bill: CTU, Buchanan speaking.
Jack: Bill, it's Jack. We have the Brick.
Bill: Good, good, question him about the bomb and find out if he is working with anyone else.
Jack: Got it. (Hangs up) Dave, tie him up, John, remove that body from the corridor. (Sips the coffee he took from Henchman #2) Mmmmm good coffee.
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CTU.
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(Bill calls Curtis at his house)
Bill: Hello Curtis.
Curtis: Sup Bill. Why you call a brother at this time?
Bill: We need you here 'cos we are in a national crisis.
Curtis: Awwww shit! Can't those damn terrorist work during the day like everyone else!
Bill: They must have the night shift. You better head over here ASAP.
Curtis: You calling me a sap biatch!
Bill: No. Just get in here. (Hangs up)
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Brick's Hotel Room.
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(Jack, Dave and John have tied up the Brick and are interrogating him)
Brick: Yeah, I planted the bomb.
Jack: Brick! (Giggles) Why did you do it! No one likes the French, but still a nuclear bomb?. Who are you working for? (Jack points his gun at Brick's leg)
Dave: He's sooo good.
John: Hey shouldn't we have been shot by now? I mean we didn't even have any trouble capturing this guy.
Dave: Shut up man, you'll jinx us!
(Henchman #1 pops out and fatally wounds John)
Dave: HA! Told you so!
(Jack kills the henchman and goes back to interrogating The Brick)
John to Dave: I just wanted to be loved! (Dies)
Dave: You were loved, John. You were loved. (Cries)
Jack to The Brick: WHY DID YOU PLANT THE BOMB? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (Shoots The Brick in the leg) TELL ME!
Brick: AARRRGGGHHHHHH! OK, OK, his name is Capone, Bert Capone.
Jack: Thank you. You've been very co-operative. Dave, watch him.
(Takes out his cellphone, and dials CTU)
Tony: CTU, Almeida speaking.
Jack: Tony, it's Jack. I need a search on the name Bert, B-E-R-T, Capone, C-A-P-O-N-E, and any results sent to my screen.
Tony: Hehe Bert.
Jack: This is serious Tony. (Hangs up) Hehe Bert. (Turns to see Dave poking Brick with a pen) Hey, quit hogging.
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CTU.
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Curtis: Sup homeys, C-dizzle in the house!
Tony: Sup Homie.
Curtis: I thought you left?
Tony:... (Walks off in a rage mumbling to himself)
Curtis: Touchy. So whats the dealio. Is some trip mutha dissin' our bitches?
Bill: OK Curtis, we get it. You're Black.
Edgar: Jack has found out who The Brick is working for, and I just sent the info to him on his PDA.
Curtis: Nice work. So is there anything out in the field I can do?
Tony: Not really, just go sit down and look busy.
Curtis: Can I call my ho's?
Bill: I told you before about this Curtis!
(Curtis walks off depressed)
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Brick's hotel room.
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(Jack looks at his PDA)
Dave: Where do we need to go Jack?
Jack: A creepy warehouse 'bout 20 minutes from here. By car. Damn!
Dave: How we supposed to get a car?
Jack: Curtis can bring us one. (Takes out his cell and dials CTU)
Curtis: CTU, Curtis speaking.
Jack: Curtis, can you bring us a car?
Curtis: Course I can, bia-
Bill: Uh-uh.
Curtis: Jack.
Jack: Thanks. (Hangs up)
Curtis: Well I'm off to help Jack.
Bill: Curtis, take a CTU car, not your own, you know how much the fluffy dice annoy Jack.
Curtis: He never told me they annoyed him.
Bill: Oh, he probably didn't want to tell you in case you popped a cap in his ass.
Tony: It's true.
Curtis: Goddammit! Stop stereotyping the Black man.
Bill: So Tony, Why ARE you back anyway?
Tony: Next son of a bitch asks me that, I'ma gonna kick his ass.
Michelle: Tony? Why are you here?
(Tony stifles anger, stares and then walks away)
Bill: Welcome back, Michelle.
Tony: SHE GETS A 'WELCOME BACK', AND ALL I GET IS PEOPLE ASKING ME WHY I'M HERE. WHAT GIVES?
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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CTU.
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Chloe: Edgar, did you notice the evil look in Tony's eye?
Edgar: Yeah, I did. I think he might kill someone before the day is over.
Tony from the other end of the room: YOUR DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU FAT ASSHOLE.
Edgar to Chloe: I'm big boned, the stupid unemployed bum.
Chloe: Bill, can't you get rid of Tony, he's scaring me.
Bill: I'd love to, I really would, but the higher ups want him to stay. Something about him being a hero or summin'.
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CTU Car.
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(Curtis pulls up next to Jack and Dave)
Curtis: Jack, errrr I can't remember your name.
Jack: It's Dane.
Dave: Dave.
Curtis: Whatever homes, just get in my ride.
Jack: There better not be any furry dice in here. Wait a minute. (To Dave) How are you still alive? Shouldn't you have died by now?
Dave: Well we are going to see the Head honcho now so it could still happen.
Jack: Hmm, my miracle survival skills are rubbing off on you. From now on, you shall be known as my Padawan.
Curtis: Like in Star Wars?
Jack: Nerd... But yes, just like in Star Wars.
Dave: Should I call you Master?
(Jack pauses thinking - Hmmmm could be fun having an underling)
Jack: Well, If you insist.
Dave: Awesome!
Jack: How far are we from the warehouse, Curtis?
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Montage of scenes from CTU, Jack his Padawan and Curtis and a hotdog vendor selling his whares to a banker.
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CTU.
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Chloe: Tony seems to have calmed down now.
Edgar: Yeah, but he still seems a bit peeved.
Chloe: Shall I go get him a Snickers from the machine?
Edgar: I'll go. I'm getting a bit hungry.
(Edgar goes to the machine and rattles around in his pocket and gets some change out. Puts money in and presses snickers button. No response)
Edgar: DAMN!
(Walks over to Tony and tells him what happened. Tony smiles evilly and turns his gun on the machine and riddles it with bullets. Edgar then proceeds to get the Snickers and gives it to Tony who seems content now)
Random CTU Guy: Hey, that guy shot the machine. FREE CHOCOLATE FOR EVERYONE!
(Everyone turns to Tony, who is walking down a dark corridor, sillhoetted by a light at the end of it. He stops to take a bite of his Snickers)
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CTU Car.
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(Curtis is humming the tune to Miami Vice)
Jack: Hey Curtis could you stop that, buddy cop shows piss me off.
(Curtis looks disheartened and stares longingly at the rearview mirror wishing his fluffy dice were here, running a red light and nearly hitting a ho he knows who flips him off)
Curtis leaning out of window and flipping the ho off: Back at ya bitch!
Jack: So, young padawan, are you ready to face your first real test?
Dave: Yes Master.
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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Jack: Now, what drink do you want with your meal?
(The car is in a McDonalds drive-thru)
Dave: A Coke, ooo Diet.
(Jack looks at him funny)
Dave defensively: What? I like the taste.
Curtis A la Mr. T: Ain't no fruity diet drinks being consumed in my ride, foo!
(Jack orders a Diet anyway. Dave pokes his tongue out at Curtis, who whines at Jack)
Jack: What? I need to lose weight, dammit.
Curtis, now with 2 chains round his neck, still talking like Mr. T: What did I say bout diet beverages in my ride?
Jack: Just drink your milk.
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Montage as drinks are drunk and free chocolate is eaten.
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(Slurping their sodas, they pull up at the warehouse)
Jack: Dave, stay here and guard the car, Curtis come with me.
Dave: But what if I get shot at?
Jack: The cars bulletproof. You're alright as long as you don't open any windows.
(Jack and Curtis leave the car and walk towards the warehouse)
Jack: Curtis take that bling off it makes too much noise.
Curtis: I ain't never takin' my bling off, fool!
Jack: Take it off, or I shoot you.
Curtis: I'm taking it off.
(Jack and Curtis split up and Jack quietly phones CTU)
Edgar: CTU, Stiles here.
Jack: Could you get me infra-red satellite footage of the warehouse I'm at?
Edgar: Give me a second. (Runs and collects some m&m's from the broken machine, then runs back) OK, satellite, infra-red, coming up. Just give me a sec.
(Jack starts to hum the Miami Vice theme)
Jack: Damn you Curtis!
Edgar: Got it Jack. There are 2 hundred men inside.
Jack:...WhatTheFuck!
Edgar: Only kidding there are 6 men. (Background laughter can be heard with Tony audible: Gullible Fool)
Jack: Bastards!
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Back at the CTU car, Dave is listening to the radio.
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Dave singing along: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha. (Knock on car door, it's Kim Bauer)
Kim: Let me in, I'm being chased.
(Dave thinking - Well Jack said I should keep the doors closed and he is my Master, but it's Kim and she's hot and in trouble, and she is the Master's daughter. Hmmmmm... this is a conundrum)
Dave radios Jack: Jack, Kim is here and she says she is in trouble should I let her in?
Jack: Dave you son of a bi... (Gunshots are heard on the radio as Jack's position is compromised)
Dave: Oh.
(Lets in Kim anyway)
Kim: Hey, thanks.
Dave: Don't mention it.
(A bum that was chasing Kim bangs on the window)
Bum: Hey man, got any change?
Dave: Go away you bum!
Bum: Got any change?
Kim: He wouldn't go away when I said I didn't have any.
Dave: Well do you?
Kim: No... OK I have a bit.
Dave: A bum knows when people have change and lie. It's kind of eerie.
(Kim sighs and throws some change through the window)
Bum: Thank you. Have a nice day now.
Kim: Thanks again. Now how I can re-pay you?
(Dave grins)
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Cut to Jack, shooting bad guys.
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Jack: Curtis, how you doing?
Curtis: I just shot one mofo in the head.
Jack: Sweet. I've got Capone pinned down.
Curtis: Behind you Jack.
(Jack turns round and sees Curtis holding Capone. Looks back and then kills henchman he thought was Capone then turns to Curtis)
Jack: Good work homie. Let's get him back to the car.
(They leave and head back to the car to find Dave and Kim singing along to Dragostea Din Tei)
Curtis: Who's that with Dave?
Jack: Thats my daughter.
Curtis: That's Kim? Daaaamn!
Jack: Shut it!
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CTU.
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Bill: Edgar, can you pass me a Mars bar?
Tony: Bill, he's got it all over the phone! (Quietly to himself) Fat sack of crap.
Chloe: He's not fat, he's cuddly and lovable.
Tony: Are you and him...? Dear God, what would the children look like?
Bill shuddering: Tony, don't be disgusting.
(Phone rings, Edgar answers)
Edgar: Bill, it's Jack. He's got Capone.
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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Montage of CTU car, President Logan, and random CTU agents eating chocolate.
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President Logans office.
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(Mike Novick knocks and then enters)
Logan: Yes Mike?
Novick: You wanted to know when CTU had Bert Capone in custody.
Logan: Oh, yes, yes good.
Novick: Sir, are you ok? You seem preoccupied.
Logan: It's nothing really. Keep me posted Mike.
Novick: Yes Mr. President.
(Novick exits, and Logan picks up the phone and dials)
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CTU Holding Cells.
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(Jack is interrogating Capone)
Jack: Why did you have a bomb planted in the french embassy?
Capone: I wanted to show those cheese eating surrender monkeys that they are not immune to terrorism.
Jack now eating a Twinkie: Between you and me, I think the French deserve terrorism. But at least do it in THEIR country, and don't get me involved.
Dave: Yes, my Master cannot allow people to be harmed on his country's soil.
Jack: Dave.
Dave: Yes Master?
Jack: Shut It. (Dave looks forlorn) Now Capone, have you planted any other bombs in the U.S?
Capone: I was only hired to run the embassy job. You will have to ask my employer about any other bombs.
Jack: Who hired you? (Brief pause) WHO HIRED YOU?
Dave rather weakly: Tell us his name please.
(Kim enters the room)
Kim: Dad. Can I have my job back here?
Jack: What? I don't know, go and ask Bill, I'm busy.
(Kim leaves wondering if her dad likes to torture people as Tony, staring through the 2 way mirror, makes faces at Jack)
Tony: HEHEHE!
Jack: I know what your doing Tony, so stop it.
Tony: Killjoy.
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Bill's office.
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(Kim Enters)
Bill: Yes Kim?
Kim: I was wondering, could I possibly have my old job back, please?
Bill: I don't know Kim, we already have enough computer guys. (Grins) But there is something you could do to convince me.
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Interrogation Room/Bill's Office.
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Jack: Watch him Dave, I've got to see Buchanan about something.
(Jack heads to Bill's office and enters to Bill and Kim singing Drogostea Din Tei)
Jack: What is with this song?
(He starts to hum the song)
Jack: Dammit!
Bill: Oh Jack, has Capone talked yet?
Jack: No. I need to know if I can use any force on him?
Bill: Yes, President Logan said use whatever it takes.
Jack: WOHOO!
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Interrogation Room.
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Jack: Right Capone, you won't break, I'll break you. (Lifts up a briefcase, puts it on the table and opens it. Inside are some headphones, and a cd player) We're going to try a little audio torture. (He puts the headphones on Capones head, plugs them into the cd player, blindfolds him and presses play. Dragostea Din Tei begins to play, on repeat)
Capone: Nooooooooooo.
(Jack leaves the room)
Jack: Tony, lock him in for about half an hour, and don't let anyone near him.
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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CTU Main Floor.
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(Jack with another Twinkie in his hand approaches Curtis)
Curtis: Sup Bauer!
Jack: Not alot Manning! Edgar, do you have anything from Capone's computer?
Edgar: Porn, porn, porn, Counter Strike, porn, e-mail to his mom, e-mail to someone called Sahib Hussain, File called 'Money', e-mail from someone known simply as 'Mr. X.
Tony passing whilst eating a Bounty: The e-mail to his mum was a riot.
Jack: Anything worth checking up on?
Edgar: Well the file "Naughty cheerleaders" is good.
Jack: Edgar.
Edgar: Oh, sorry. Well the "Money" file doesn't give us any leads but it does come up with the name Sahib Hussain again.
Jack: What does the e-mail to him say?
Edgar: "Bomb planted". Sounds suspicious.
Tony eating as he talks: Very suspicious. But who's this Mr. X? Chloe, trace these will ya, and bring me a Klondike Bar.
Chloe: Why am I getting things for everybody today?
Jack: Quiet bitch, and get him his candy.
Curtis: It's Biatch. Bi-a-tch. Jesus, am I the ONLY black man around here.
Jack: Hey, Curtis does that man have your fluffy dice!
Curtis: What! I pity the Fool if he has my dice! (He storms off)
Jack: Hehehe.
Chloe: Here's your candy Tony. Now let me trace those e-mails would ya.
Tony: Hey Michelle, where'd you disappear to?
Michelle: Went for a big mac and fries, then to the bathroom.
Curtis: I got my furry dice back off that guy. He won't walk for a while.
Jack: Uh...Curtis. That man didn't have your fluffy dice, I just said that so you'd go away.
Curtis looks at the dice: Oh, yeah, mine are black and these are pink. (Shuffles away)
Tony: A Big Mac and fries! And you didn't even offer me one? Jeez.
Michelle: You don't even work here anymore.
Tony has a calm anger about him: You need help on a day like this don't you?
Jack: Unfortunately Tony is right Michelle.
Tony: HA! In your face! (Goes off eating his Klondike bar)
Michelle: Did something crawl up his ass? He seems touchy whenever somebody mentions that he doesn't work here.
(Tony runs at Michelle, jumps and kicks her to the floor)
Jack: You alright, Michelle. Nice Kick dude. I'd give it a 9.7.
Tony: 9.7! 9.7! THAT'S BULLSHIT. THAT WAS A 9.9 IF I EVER SAW ONE!
Jack: You botched the landing a tiny bit.
Tony: Botched landing my ass.
Edgar: Jack, Mr. X is Jaseam Marwan. Habib Marwan's Brother.
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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Jack: Habib Marwan's Brother? Why is he coming after me though?
Tony: You did drop his brother.
Jack: He cut my hand, I couldn't hold him.
Tony: Always an excuse with you isn't there.
Michelle slightly groggy: Maybe he wants revenge against you for stopping that nuke hitting LA?
Edgar: Maybe you ran over his cat?
(Everyone looks at Edgar, then they realise what they are doing and look away)
Edgar: What? My neighbour tried to kill me when I did that.
Jack: Well I think we should see what Capone says about Jaseam.
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Interrogation Room.
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Jack: What can you tell us about Jaseam Marwan?
Capone: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha.
Jack: Dammit! Stupid music! (Slaps Capone) Tell me about Jaseam Marwan!
Capone: Who?
Jack: Don't mess with me or I will get angry. And then I will have to let my associate in here. He destroyed a chocolate machine earlier, hence the abundance of chocolate. (Shows Capone a Snickers) But he is still angry.
Tony from behind the mirror: Yeah I am Biatch!
Curtis: You got it right man. Good for you!
Capone: All I know is that he meets me at an apartment on 4th St.
Jack: Tony! Let's get to that address now!
Tony, with a mouth full of Mars bar: Orite.
Curtis: I'm coming too.
Jack: What apartment number?
Capone: 626.
Jack: Got it, lets go.
Bill: Curtis your staying. This can be your punishment for beating up Pete.
Curtis: Oh Damn!
Bill: Take Dave with you Jack.
Jack: Yo! Padawan! Move out!
Dave: Yes Master.
Tony: Can he call me Master?
Jack: ...No.
Tony: But I wanted a niiiiicknaaaaaame.
Jack: You can be Pouty Mckickintheface, how bout that?
Tony: ...I LIKE IT.
Dave: Wow, THE Tony Almeida, the man who shot the chocolate machine!
Tony: I've done more than that. I've helped Jack stop 4 major terrorist acts.
Dave: Yeh, but you shot the machine and now there's free chocolate everywhere.
Jack: Mmmm gotta love that free chocolate.
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President Logan's Office.
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Former President David Palmer enters: You called for me Sir?
Logan: Ah, yes David. Have a seat, I need your opinion on something.
Palmer: What can I help you with?
(He holds up 2 pairs of trousers)
Logan: Which pair should I wear for my re-election speech?
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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Montage of Jack, Tony and Dave; Jaseam Marwan and his men and Edgar licking up his chocolatey mess.
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Apartment 626, 4th St.
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Jaseam: Hit me.
Henchman #2: A six.
Jaseam: Dammit! I bust. (Sighs) I'm worried about Capone. He should have called by now.
Henchman #1: Do you think Jack Bauer has something to do with it?
Jaseam: DON'T EVER SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN! (Hits Henchman #1. To Henchman #2) You can now be my #1.
New Henchman #1: Wohoo!
New Henchman #2: Oh, man. It took me ages to get that position.
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Outside the apartment block.
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Dave: Oooooo, Master are you drawing up a plan for us to capture Jaseam?
Jack: No. (Shows a doodle of the CTU logo) I got bored.
Dave: That's awesome, Master. You should exhibit your work.
Tony: Are you always such a kissass, Dave?
Dave: Only to my Master, Pouty.
Tony: You'll pay for that. (Crazily) You'll all pay. (Points to Jack and Dave)
(Jack and Dave exchange glances)
Jack: Well let's go. Jaseam should be inside and we need to capture him before he sets off a bomb. Even if it is the French that may die from it.
Dave: Well said Master.
Jack beaming: Thanks!
Tony quietly: Suck up.
(Jack, Dave and Tony get out of the car and start walking toward the building. A hot girl walks by, grabbing Jack's attention)
Jack: Hey baby. How's about you and I get together for some FREAK loving?
Tony: Hey Jack, keep your mind on getting Jaseam.
(Hot girl leaves)
Jack: Damn you Tony, always halting my mojo.
Tony: At least you have mojo. (Starts to sob) Michelle left me again after our fourth attack.
Jack: There, there. (Comforts Tony) Want a Mars bar?
Tony: Uh-huh. (Takes Mars bar and starts to open it) Why is it melted?
Jack: Oh, it's been in my pocket, sorry.
Tony: S'orite. I like them melted.
Jack: Yeah. So...Michelle left you again, eh? That's terrible man. So...that means she's single again, right? I may have a shot.
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Clock. Adverts. Clock.
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CTU.
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Curtis: Yo Bill, wanna come surfin' for some ho's?
Bill: No, I have more important things to do. Like saving lives.
Curtis: Suit yourself. Edgar you up for some fun?
Edgar: If there's something more fun than licking chocolate off a keyboard, I haven't done it.
Curtis: Does anyone wanna come surfin' for ho's with me?
Kim: I'll come.
(Edgar, Bill and Curtis all stare, then think about it. They all grin broadly)
Chloe hits Edgar: Stop smiling, bitch. You're mine.
Curtis: Le's go Kim, We takin' my pimped lowrider.
Kim: Can I shout abuse at them?
Curtis: Hell yeah, they ho's, they don't have like, feelings or nothing.
Kim: Cool. Let's ride biatch.
-----
Montage of Jack, Tony and Dave getting into position, Kim and Curtis getting into Curtis' pimpmobile and Edgar still licking chocolate off of his keyboard.
-----
Apartment 626.
-----
(Knock on door)
Henchman 1: Who is it?
Dave: Pizza dude.
Henchman 2: Sweet, pizza.
Jaseam: Which of you two ordered a pizza?
Both henchmen together: Him?
Jaseam: Damn, it's a trap. #2, stall them. #1, out the back window and down the fire escape.
(Henchman #1 opens the window and looks down)
Tony: Freeze Mutha Fucker!
Henchman #1 leaning back in: Jaseam! There's a guy down there, he seems pissed off, and not very polite.
Jaseam: Henchmen. Looks like you twoare going to have to sacrifice yourselves for me. I'm gonna miss losing to you at Blackjack and all the things we have been through.
(Flashback of the three of them running along the beach singing Dragostea Din Tei interrupted by Jack Bauer entering and capping the henchmen)
Jaseam: Dammit! We had a nice moment going on!
Jack: Sorry.
Jaseam: Ah, they weren't important. I suppose you're going to ask me what I'm planning, right?
Jack: Yeah, and-
Jaseam: Where the other bombs are planted?
Jack: That too, and also-
Jaseam: Does this have anything to do with you dropping my brother?
Jack: You psychic or something?
Jaseam: Not really, I've just seen a lot of American hero movies.
Jack: So?
Jaseam: Well I know your ego is likeJ.Lo's assand I planned the bombs so that when you found out I was behind them, you would come after me and I could exact revenge for my brother's death.
Jack: Well that's two out of three. Where are the other bombs?
Jaseam: You think I will tell YOU, Jack Bauer, the man who killed my brother? (Laughs)
Jack: Well if I wait outside will you tell him? (Points at Dave who smiles knowing Jack is talking about him)
Jaseam: No. I will tell you and your fellow CTU agents if you hand yourself over to me with no resistance so that I can avenge my brother and kill you.
-----
Outside.
-----
Tony: What the hell's going on up there?
-----
Montage of Jack aiming his gun at Jaseam, Dave looking stunned and Tony outside looking confused.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
-----
Outside the apartment Building.
-----
(Tony is shoving a tramp)
Tony: Go on, fuck off. Go drink some turps, ya filthy tramp.
(Dave leaves the building)
Dave: Jack sent me down to tell you that Jaseam wants to take him hostage and kill him.
Tramp: Got any spare change Sir?
Dave: YOU! I gave you some change earlier. Go away!
(Starts shooeing the tramp away)
Tony: Jaseam wants Jack? What has Jack decided to do?
Dave: He's going to call President Logan right now.
-----
Apartment 626.
-----
(Jack calls President Logan)
-----
President Logan's Office/Apartment 626.
-----
(Logan answers the phone)
Logan: Yello. Jack: Mr. President, it's Jack Bauer.
Logan: What about him?
Jack: No, it's Jack Bauer on the phone.
Logan: OK, put him through.
Jack: I AM THROUGH. I'M SPEAKING TO YOU NOW.
Logan: Oh Jack, hello. How are you?
Jack: I'm good sir. Now-
Logan: How's Bill handling the Marwan situation?
Jack: He's doing well Sir. About Marwan, he wants to exchange information about further bombs for my life.
Logan: Seriously? Wonder why he wants you?
Jack: Maybe because I let his brother die.
Logan: Jack, I'm disappointed in you.
Jack faking agreement: Of course you are Sir, but now I need to talk about the situation I've found myself in.
Logan: What situation would that be?
Jack: A terrorist is willing to give us information about any remaining bombs, in return for my life.
Logan: Wouldn't a nice watch be enough for him?
Jack: I don't think that would be apropriate Mr. President.
Logan: Shame, I have a good Rolex that I don't really have any need for. Oh Well.
Jack grinning: Well Sir. He may want that too.
Logan: Splendid. I'll have it sent to CTU. I'll address it to you and you can give it to him. Goodbye Jack.
Jack: No Sir wait! (Hears the dial tone) Dammit!
-----
CTU.
-----
Bill: Thanks Tony, I'll pass on the message. Everybody, listen Up. The terrorist that Jack and has been pursuing, Jaseam Marwan, has said that he will tell us the other bomb locations, in return for the life of Jack Bauer. So here's the plan - Edgar will send all field teams to that address, while Jack gets the bomb locations from Jaseam. Once we have the locations, all teams will move in on the building. Edgar, re-locate all tactical units.
Edgar: I'll use the computer. (Closes his solitaire game and taps a few keys)
Computer (a la HAL 9000): I'm afraid I can't let you do that Dave.
Edgar: I'm not Dave. (Tries again)
Computer: I still can't let you do that Dave. (Edgar hits the computer and tries again)
Edgar: OK. That's better. It's done Sir.
Bill: Good. Contact Jack and tell him the plan.
Curtis: Yo homes? Do I get to go with them? Can I cap some terrorist punks ass?
Bill: Alright Curtis, you can go out again. But no capping of asses, unless they try to kill you first. Got it?
Curtis: Damn bitch, that ain't no fun.
Bill: Where's Kim.
Curtis: Uhhhh.
Bill: You lost Kim? How?
Curtis: Well, we were cruising for ho's right, when all of a sudden she asks me to pull over, gets out of the car, and starts hitting this bitch, screaming that it's "her turf". Then the girl's pimp comes out of this club right, and thats when I floored it outta there.
Bill: Well if Jack asks, tell him she went home.
Curtis: You got it.
Edgar: Sir, we need more chocolate for the machine.
Chloe: Don't worry Eddy, I've already ordered more.
Edgar: YAY!
Curtis: Eddy?
Chloe: Yeh, Eddy. Got a PROBLEM with that?
Curtis: No Ma'am.
Chloe: Good. (Chocolate delivery guy arrives)
CDG: Where d'ya want this chocolate?
Bill: Just tip it out on the floor over there in front of the machine.
CDG: Whoa! What happened to this machine?
Edgar: It angered me.
CDG: Errrr, O...K... Well sign here please.
(Bill signs the form and the delivery guy leaves)
Edgar: Mmmmmmmmmm.
Bill: How much of that can you eat?
Edgar: If I try, twice my body weight.
Bill: Sweet christ, that's a lot of chocolate.
Chloe: You calling my Eddy fat?
Bill: Not directly.
Curtis: He is a fatass though. Seriously.
(Chloe flashes Curtis an evil look)
Curtis: Well I'm off. (Walks out quickly)
Bill: Do I hear my phone ringing? (Walks briskly to his office)
Edgar: Thanks Chloe.
Chloe: No probs Eddy.
Edgar: So...you wanna go somewhere for 10 minutes?
Chloe: Ooh, Eddy.
(They pick up an armful of chocolate and head outside)
-----
Apartment 626.
-----
Jack: Well Jaseam, I'm all yours. (Puts down his gun) Now tell me where the other bombs are and once CTU confirms them I'll go wherever you want.
Jaseam: Very well.
(Jack turns on his microphone, so CTU can hear what is said)
Jaseam: There is a bomb behind the Hollywood sign, and one in the basement of this very building, ready to blow up when those CTU men down in the street step through the front door.
Jack: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jaseam: I know you Jack, I know CTU procedure and the loyalty that your fellow agents have for you.
Jack: I ain't that big on procedure. I'd much rather do things my own way. I can assure you that there are no CTU agents outside this building.
CTU Agent Yelling from outside: Hurry up will ya, I have to go pee.
Jack: Stupid ass.
Jaseam: Tell your men to leave or I will have to have my revenge quicker than I would like.
Jack: Dammit! (On the radio) Stand down men.
CTU Agent: I need a pee so bad! (Goes behind a dumpster) Ahhhhhh.
-----
Clock.Adverts.Clock.
-----
(CTU Agent is still peeing)
Jack: That is one loooooooonng piss.
Jaseam: I have not heard a piss like that since I shared a room with some camels.
(Jack gives him a look)
Jaseam: It was nothing unseemly or anything. I was just letting them stay with me for a friend.
Jack: Okaaay. Shouts down to street Get on with it and go back to CTU!
CTU Agent finishes peeing: I'm done.
Tony: Okay men, let's get back to CTU! (Winks at Dave)
Dave: Are you hitting on me?
Tony: NO! (Whispers) We just send the other agents back and secretly follow Jack and Marwan.
Dave: Oh right! (Winks back at Tony) Okay. Let's head back to CTU.
-----
CTU.
-----
Bill: Edgar, have you seen Jimmy?
Edgar: Who's Jimmy?
Bill: You know, Jimmy. about 6'4, dark hair, stubbly.
Edgar: Doesn't ring a bell.
Bill: Also known as Random CTU Guy.
Edgar: Oh, him. He's over there.
Bill: Thanks. (Walks off)
Chloe: I've brought you more chocolate Eddy.
Edgar: Oh thanks! I think I may have to start pacing myself with the chocolate, I'm feeling kinda weird. I've had so much I've put all the wrappers together and made this. (Shows her a ball of wrappers with elastic bands around it)
Chloe: Wow!
(Curtis comes over)
Curtis: That's a nice ball Edgar.
Edgar beaming: Thanks.
Curtis: Hey Bill, Jimmy, come see Edgars ball.
(They come over)
Bill: Nice ball.
Jimmy: Uh, whatever the boss said.
(Edgar's phone rings)
Edgar answers: CTU, Edgar here.
Tony: Yeah Edgar, it's Tony.
Edgar: It's Tony everyone. Say hi! (Holds up the phone)
Crowd around Edgar: Hi Tony!
Tony: Sup people! (Edgar is back on) Hey Edgar, Jaseam knew that we were outside so I have sent the other agents back there, me and Dave will-
Edgar: Ooooo how is Dave doing?
Tony: He's good. So anyway-
Edgar: Put him on?
Tony: Oook (Puts Dave on the phone)
Dave: Yello?
Edgar: Hey Dave, How you doing?
Dave: Ummm, I'm fine. How are you?
Edgar: My chest hurts a bit.
Curtis shouting: FATASS ATE TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE!
Edgar: Shut it!
Dave to Tony: His chest hurts.
Tony: That's cos he's scoffing down chocolate, fat asshole.
Dave: Curtis said that. Why are you two so mean to him?
Tony: No reason.
Dave: Oh. (Back to Edgar) Me and Tony are going to follow Jack and Marwan and try to rescue Jack.
Edgar: Right. Good Luck.
Dave: Thanks.
Tony: Tell him to save me some chocolate?
Dave: Tony wants you to save him some chocolate.
Edgar to Chloe: Tony wants me to save him some chocolate.
Chloe: Don't you save him anything Eddy Bear. He's always mean to you.
Edgar to Dave: Tell him I'll try.
Dave: Okay. (Hangs up)
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
Jack: Where are you taking me?
Jaseam: We are going for a little ride Jack. To my parents!
Jack: Oh. Crap. Are they angry about your brother's death too?
Jaseam: Oh errrrr just a little.
Jack: I see. I just have one question.
Jaseam: You sure it's just one question? Because I've had people say that to me before and it's actually 5 or 6 questions. Who are you? What's that you're lubing up? It has to reach where, You know stuff like that.
Jack: I'm sure it's just one question.
Jaseam: Go Ahead.
Jack: Why the Hollywood sign? I mean, yeah it would look great in an explosion but it can't kill that many people. Why not place it in a more pedestrian setting?
Jaseam laughing: There is no bomb in the Hollywood sign! You think I am crazy?
Jack: Well. Yeah.
Jaseam: Well I'm not, okay?
Jack: Yeah, whatever. So where is the real bomb?
Jaseam: It's in a safe place.
-----
CTU Basement.
-----
(Semtex is seen hidden in the boiler room)
-----
Hallway outside Boiler Room.
-----
(2 guards are walking past)
Guard 1: Why do we even have a boiler room anyway? There ain't no radiators here.
Guard 2: It's just where terrorists put the explosives during a national crisis.
Guard 1: Like today?
Guard 2: Yeah. Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I'm thinking.
Guard 1: Yeah, we ain't had our break yet.
Guard 2: Man, let's get to the canteen.
-----
CTU car.
-----
(Dave and Tony are singing along to the radio)
Dave and Tony: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha.
Dave: I love this song!
Tony: These guys rule!
Dave: I seen them live once.
Tony: Sweet.
Dave: They invited me onto the stage with them to sing along.
Tony: Was this last August at the Arrowhead Pond?
Dave: Yeah it was. Were you there?
Tony: 6th Row, centre baby!
Dave: Ooooo. Hey, Jack and Marwan have pulled into a residential area, they are slowing down.
Tony: I once dated a woman who lives in this street.
Dave: Sweet. Which house?
Tony: The red one. Can't miss it.
(Jack and Marwan pull into the drive of the red house)
Dave: Errr Tone?
Tony: Yeah I see. This ain't good.
Dave: Oh shit dude, is that her?
(Out of the house comes an elderly arab lady of about 70)
Tony suspiciously: No, No. She must have moved or something.
Dave sees straight through this: Eeeeeew, weeeeak.
Tony: It was during my drinking days alright.
Dave: Yeh, but still.
Tony: She looked alot younger. Alot like her! (Points to a younger woman coming out of the house)
Dave: She still looks about 50.
Tony: A good 50.
Dave: Just give it up. This must be Marwan's family. They must all want revenge on Jack for Habib's death.
Tony: Seems that way. (The 70 year old looks towards the car) Shit, I think we've been spotted.
Elderly Woman: To herself Antonio? Shouts ANTONIO!
Dave: Antonio? Is that your full name?
Tony: Yeh. Antonio Hugo Almeida.
Dave: HEHEHEHEHE Hugo.
Tony: Damn! I better get out there and make nice. Has Jaseam seen my face?
Dave: Don't think so.
Tony: Good. You stay here, I'll wire up and keep you posted on the situation. If I say "Wiggles" you need to come in and help me, okay?
Dave: Wiggles?
Tony: Yeah. It's the name of my pet snake.
(Dave sniggers)
(Tony sighs and gets out and heads over to the Marwan house. He walks over to the old woman)
Tony: Hey, um, Tookie, how are you?
(Dave mouths 'Tookie)
Tookie: I'm good, I'm good. Jaseam: Tookie?
Tookie: It's a nickname he give me when he painted my house last year. (To Tony) Come, I'll introduce you to the family. (Points to Jaseam) This is my son, Jaseam. (Points to 50 Year Old) This is my daughter, Najji, (Points to Jack) This is the american scum who kill my little Habib. (Spits in his face)
Tony: Bastard (Spits in his face aswell)
Tookie: My husband is inside, you remember him right?
Tony: Bajif? Of course I do.
Tookie: Well let's go in and see him.
(They all enter the house)
Bajif: Ahhhh, Antonio, welcome back. I see you are well.
Tony: Yes thanks. And you?
Bajif: Well I will be when my son is avenged.
Jaseam: Father I have brought the man. I have brought you Jack Bauer.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
-----
CTU. Bill's office.
-----
(Bill is reading a Playboy. Kim enters)
Bill: Hello Kimberly. Where've you been?
Kim: Out street fighting with some skank.
Bill not really paying attention: Excellent.
Kim: Mr Buchanan, I've come to ask for my job back.
Bill emersed in his Playboy: Yeah, Yeah, I'll get right on it.
Kim: Thanks a lot Mr B. Could you also re-hire my fiance aswell, please?
Bill: Whatever.
Kim: I owe you one Mr B. (She leaves)
Bill: Hehehehe Boobies.
-----
CTU Main floor.
-----
Edgar: Hey Curtis, you seem to have nothing to do.
Curtis: Hey biatch, I got plenty to do. Bill's got me doing things left right and centre.
Edgar: Bill's reading a Playboy in his office.
Curtis: Okay, what do you want?
Edgar: Can you pick up a disc from Chloe? She's in computer room 1.
Curtis: Okely dokely.
-----
Computer Room 1.
-----
(Chloe is typing something. Curtis comes over)
Curtis: Hey Chloe, Edgar sent me over to pick up a disc for him. He said you had it.
Chloe: This may be what he's looking for. (Hands Curtis a disc labelled "So you want to be a submissive?") If it's not then it's the other disc on the table there.
(Curtis looks at the other disc. It's labelled "Dungeons and Dragons")
Curtis: Teeheehee. Nerds.
(Grabs both discs and heads back to Edgar. Stopping to pick up some chocolate on the way)
Jimmy: Hey Curtis.
Curtis: Word up Random CTU Guy.
(Hands the discs to Edgar along with a Milky bar)
Curtis: Here's your disc.
Edgar: Thanks.
Jimmy: You hear that Kim and her fiance got re-hired?
Curtis: Fiance? Ah shit, now I'll never get to hit that.
Edgar: I hear he only has one hand.
Curtis: He can't satisfy her with just one hand. Methinks I can steal fine young Kimberly away from Hookboy.
Chase interuppting: It's a prosthetic actually, not a hook.
Curtis: Chase Edmonds I presume?
Chase: Yeah, that's right. I've been re-hired here thanks to Kim.
Curtis: Well I guess your just a regular field agent then.
Chase: Errr yeah.
Curtis: Yay! Someone I can boss about!
(Bill appears from his office)
Chase: Hey Bill.
Bill: Chase, I want you to head out to Jack's location and help Dave and Tony in rescuing him. Take Curtis with you. Curtis listen to Chase okay?
Curtis: Awww Hell!
Chase: C'mon, Curt my good man.
Curtis: Awwww Hell no. He can't even fire a gun with that fake hand of his.
Chase: Yes I can. State of the art animatronics. Looks and feels real. Does whatever I tell it to do. Now lets get Jack.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
-----
Marwan Residence.
-----
Tookie: More tea Tony?
Tony: No thanks.
Jack: I'll have some tea.
Tookie: Shut up scum!
Jaseam: So I told them that the bomb was under the Hollywood sign!
(The Marwans and Tonyall laugh)
Jack: Can I go to the bathroom, please?
Bajif: No you cannot. You can crap when you die, which will be in precisely 7 minutes and 24 seconds.
-----
CTU Car.
-----
(Dave's radio buzzes)
Dave: You're on with the Dave. What's happening?
Edgar: Dave, Curtis and Chase are on their way to help you apprehend Marwan. Could you pass the message on to Tony.
Dave: He went in undercover. Seems he knew one of the women.
Edgar: Really? In what way?
Dave: He did some odd jobs for the family in between working for us.
Edgar: Well good for him.
Dave: So, Chase? You mean Chase Edmonds? Kim's fiance?
Edgar: Yeah. Oooo gotta go. I'm being attacked by a 10th level Black Mage.
Dave: What the- (Edgar stops transmitting) Nerd.
(Dave's phone rings)
Dave: What now? (Answers his phone) Hello?
Curtis: Sup home boy?
Dave: Yo Curtis!
Curtis: Me and Chase Edmonds are heading out to help you dawg!
Dave: Yeah, Edgar just told me. Then a Black Mage attacked him, and he had to leave.
Curtis: Roight, Roight.
Chase: Can I speak to him?
Curtis: Just a second. Dave, Captain Hook here wants to speak to you (Hands Chase the phone)
Chase: Through gritted teeth IT'S..A..PROSTHETIC.
Dave: Hi Chase. It's good to hear from you again.
Chase: Yeah. Last time I spoke to you I was heading to the CTU training ground and you had just failed your exam.
Curtis: Dave failed his exam? (Grabs phone and laughs at Dave down it) HAHA! (Hands phone back to Chase)
Dave: Why did you have to bring that up?
Chase: Sorry.
Dave: S'orite. So you want me to fill you in on the situation here or what?
Chase: Fill me in.
Dave: Okay. Jack has been taken prisoner by Jaseam Marwan, brother of Habib Marwan whom Jack dropped from the 6th storey of a parking garage. They stopped outside Marwan's parent's house. Some time ago, Tony dated one of this domiciles inhabitants,
so he used this cover to infiltrate the home. All seems to be going well, as no shots have been fired, but we have approximately 1 minute to get Jack out of there or he will be dead.
(Chase and curtis have pulled up behind Dave, and are sneaking up to the front of the car)
Chase: Thanks for that. (He is crouching below the door) Now look down out of your window. (Dave does so) Boo! hahaha.
-----
Marwan residence.
-----
Tony:... He's called "Wiggles"
-----
CTU Car.
-----
Dave: That's our call, we go in.
Curtis: Finally some action for the C man!
Chase: Hey, you thought of a nickname for me already. How cool.
Curtis: No, the C-Man is me. YOU are Hook Boy.
Chase: I'll left hook you now!
Dave: Guys, argue about this later, alright. Let's save Jack.
-----
Inside.
-----
Bajif: Now is the time for you to die Mr. Bauer. Jaseam bring him to The Room.
Jack: The Room?
Jaseam: Yes. Your death will be broadcast all over the internet. The great Jack Bauer, dying at the hands of the people he is sworn to stop.
Jack: This isn't the first and won't be the last time I would have died.
Tony: Yeah, he's died before. A couple of times actually.
Jack nodding: It's true.
(Dave, Chase and Curtis burst in)
Curtis: Hand over your weapons, and get down on the floor.
Chase: Yeh, listen to the C-Man.
Tony: Hehe, C-Man, sounds like semen.
Dave: Hey, your right. (They laugh at Curtis)
Curtis: I know that's why I chose it.
(They all give him a worried look)
Jack: Well don't just stand there, untie me will'ya?
(Chase goes to untie him but his hand can't undo the tight knot)
Chase: Damn this useless hand!
Curtis: Bet you wish you had a hook now huh? (Grins at Chase)
Chase: Shut it semen!
Dave sighing: Let me Master.
Jack: Ah, Padawan. Always there in my time of need.
Bajif: My plan shall not be foiled. (Gets out a pistol, and shoots Dave)
Jack: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (Dave falls to the floor, Jack finishes getting free and drags Dave to safety, while Tony, Chase and Semen shoot the Marwans) Where'd the bullet hit you?
Dave: In...my groin.
Jack sniggers: Well, don't worry, okay. We'll get you help. (Jack takes out his cellphone, and calls CTU)
-----
CTU.
-----
Bill: CTU, Bill here.
Jack: Bill, it's Jack, send a medical team out to our location, Dave has been shot in the groin.
Bill: Ah Jack good to hear from you. How are things?
Jack: Errrrr good Sir, I'd like to chat but could you send over medical first?
Bill: Oh yes of course. (To Edgar) Send a medical team to Jack, Dave has been shot in the groin.
Edgar sniggering: Right.
Bill: Jack has any one of the marwans told you the real location of the second bomb?
Jack: Errrmmmm.
Bill: They've all been shot haven't they.
Jack seeing Curtis stabbing one of the marwans multiple times: Not all of them.
Bill: Curtis frantically stabbing one, is he?
Jack: Yeah. Should I stop him?
Bill: Nah, let him go, he'll stop when he's ready. Search the house for any clues as to where that bomb is.
Jack: Can do, Billy Boy. (Hangs up) Okay. Guys, spread out and look for any clues as to where the other bomb is. Jaseam said that the Hollywood sign lead was a dupe.
Curtis: Bastard! (Stabs Jaseam's body)
Jack: You need to help look as well Curtis. But first could you go and wash up?
-----
CTU Boiler Room.
-----
(Timer is shown to activate upon death of Marwan family. It shows 45 minutes and starts to count down)
-----
CTU Cafeteria.
-----
(Edgar, Chloe, Guard 1, Guard 2, and Michelle are sitting round a table)
Edgar: Anybody watch that show yesterday? About the man who has this disease that causes him to suffer temporary facial paralysis whenever he said the word 'It.
Guard1: No, I missed that. I was watching All Star Croc Wrestling.
Guard2 shouting: Another cream pie, Doris.
Chloe also shouting: And more steak please. My Eddy bear needs his sustinence.
(Bill enters)
Bill: Everyone. Jack is safe. (They all cheer) All the Marwans are dead (They all cheer again) But that means that we don't know where the second bomb is.
Michelle: Wouldn't the Marwans have some kind of plans about where the other bomb is?
Bill: That's what we are hoping for. (Shouts to Doris) Can I get a round coffees here? Oh and a cream pie.
Guard2 with a full mouth: They are sooo good.
-----
Back at The Marwans.
-----
(Jack is finishing up with the CTU Medics)
Jack: Look after him. Bye then. (Goes over to Tony) Found anything?
Tony: Nothing yet.
Jack: Keep looking (Goes to Chase) Anything?
Chase: No, but when I do, I'll let you know.
Jack: Good Hookboy, keep looking (Goes to Curtis) You got anything?
Curtis: Man, I ain't found shit.
Jack: There has to be something. There has to be a computer or something around here.
Curtis: You mean we should be looking out for those too? What else we gotta look for?
Chase: Your momma!
Curtis: Shut it Bitch! Or I take your other hand off! (Lunges at Chase)
(Jack blocks his path)
Jack: Cool it. That bomb is our top priority. Got it.
Curtis: He started it.
Jack: Just look upstairs Curtis.
Curtis: Damn sonsabitches, making the black man go upstairs.
Chase: Thanks Jack, I owe you one.
Jack: Don't mention it.
Tony: Hey guys, I just found a hard drive in this liquor cabinet.
Jack: There must be a computer around here somewhere then.
Curtis shouts down from upstairs: Jack I found some computers.
(Jack, Tony and Chase head upstairs)
Curtis: But they all smashed up.
Jack: Coulda told us before we came up here. We're gonna have to take this hard drive back to CTU and have edgar check it out. (Takes out his phone to call CTU)
-----
CTU.
-----
Edgar: CTU, Stiles here.
Jack: Hey Edgar, it's Jack. We've found some computers, but they're all smashed up, and Tony found a hard drive in a liquor cabinet.
Chase to Tony: How did you think of looking there anyway?
Tony: That's where I hid stuff, when I had a liquor cabinet and stuff to hide.
Chase: Cool. Were you hiding naughty mags from Michelle?
Tony: Yeah.
Jack: We'll bring the drive back with us. Bye bye Edgar (Hangs up the phone) Let's move out!
Chase: I call shotgun!
Curtis and Tony: Dammit!
-----
CTU Infirmary.
-----
(Dave is in a bed, with a nurse and Bill in the room)
Dave: Can I have some more morphine please?
Nurse: Sure thing. Injects him with morphine There you go.
Dave: Ahhhhhhh (Looks all dreamy)
Bill: So hows is he nurse? Will he make it through the night?
Nurse: He got shot in the groin, Mr Buchanan, not the heart. He should be up and about in a few days.
Bill: Can I talk to him?
Nurse: I don't care.
Bill: Thanks Nurse. (To Dave) Dave. Daaaaave.
Dave: Why hello there giant talking Pencil!
Bill: I hear that you are going to be okay. That's good to hear isn't it.
Dave: Do you ever have to sharpen yourself?
Bill: Jack is on his way back here and should arrive in about 10 minutes with information about the second bomb.
Dave: My doctor says I should stop touching myself or I will go blind.
Bill: Very good. I'll send Jack here when he arrives. (Starts to leave)
Dave: Come here, Giant Pencil. I want to chew on your end.
Bill: Alright then. (Begins to undo his belt, but is interrupted by a doctor)
Doctor: Please don't harass my patient Sir. Now get out as we prep him for surgery.
-----
The Marwan's.
-----
(Jack, Tony, Chase & Curtis are walking to the CTU car)
Bum: Got any change sirs?
Jack: You're that Bum that Dave was on about. Stop harassing us dammit!
Bum: Got any change?
Chase whispers to Jack: Shall I shoot him Jack?
Jack: He's just a bum Chase, not a terrorist.
Bum: Change? (He holds a hand out to Curtis) Please?
Curtis: Oh man, look at them puppy dog eyes. (Fumbles around in his pocket for some change) Bottle cap.. lint.. baby powder.. Ah here we go. (Gives bum 55 cents)
Bum: Thanks man. (Walks off)
Jack: Right let's go.
(They get into the car and head to CTU)
-----
CTU Canteen.
-----
(Bill and Guard 1 are sitting at a table)
Guard 1: Me and Larry were passing by the boiler room earlier, and he said something that got me thinking. You know on days like this, terrorist attack days, a bomb is usually planted there.
(Bill nods)
Guard 1: Well, has anyone checked that room for anything today?
(Bill raises his head in shock)
-----
CTU Car.
-----
(Someone farts, Jack opens a window)
Chase: Who was that? (Silence) Anybody?
Tony: It was Curtis.
Curtis: Yeah, blame the black man.
Jack: You sure can let 'em rip man.
Curtis: Thanks... Damn!
Tony: Jesus Christ. It burns like hell.
Chase: You have burritos for dinner there Curt?
(Jack's phone rings)
Jack: You're Jacked In. (Pause) Hey Bill (Long pause) A bomb? Where? (Pause) We should have guessed there would be one there really. I'll tell the guys. (Hangs up)
Jack: Guys, Bill has discovered a bomb in the boiler room of CTU. They are attempting to disarm it as we speak.
Tony: Sons of Bitches! Why do we never check CTU whenever there is a major terrorist attack going on?
Curtis: Dunno, but the bastards are gonna pay for this.
(They all look at him)
Chase: Errr Curtis, we killed the Marwans already. They're the ones responsible.
Curtis: Well we made them pay! (Farts again)
All: Curtis!
-----
CTU Boiler Room.
-----
(The bomb disposal experts are kneeling over the bomb)
BDE 1: What we got here then?
BDE 2: Looks like a bomb there, Jerry.
BDE 1: What type of bomb?
BDE 2: An explosive one.
BDE 1: Alrighty then, hand me those wire cutters, will ya.
BDE 2: There you go (Hands the wire cutters over)
BDE 1: Hmmmm, Red or Green?
BDE 2: I like Green.
BDE 1: That's not gonna help me here Carl.
BDE 2: Sorry. This bomb manual I found says that the hidden Blue wire is the one to cut.
BDE 1: Manual?
BDE 2: Yeah I found it behind this other boiler whilst I was peeing.
BDE 1: You peed on the boiler.
BDE 2: No, no. I peed IN the boiler.
(Cut to Edgar getting a glass of water from a tap. He takes a sip and reacts. He goes over to Bill)
Edgar: Bill, taste this. (Hands glass to Bill)
Bill takes a sip and reacts: What did you do to it?
Edgar: Nothing, it was like this from the tap.
Bill: Hmmm. (Walks off with glass sipping as he goes)
(Cut backto boiler room)
BDE 1: So we cut this Blue wire I found?
BDE 2: Yep.
BDE 1: Well here goes. (Cuts wire, stopping the timer) YES! (Radios Bill) Sir? We have disarmed the bomb.
-----
Bill's Office.
-----
Bill: Good news everyone.
Edgar: A new batch of chocolate has arrived?
Bill: Yes but-
Edgar: Wohoo!
Bill: The bomb in the boiler room has been disarmed.
Edgar: ALRIIIIGHT. CHOCOLATE!
Chloe: All our lives were saved, and you're only happy that you get chocolate.
Edgar: I'm happy that we ain't dead, but.
Chloe: No buts Edgar, you care more about chocolate than me. I can't carry on a relationship with a man who'd rather eat candy than love me.
Edgar: FINE.
Chloe: FINE.
(Bill comes over)
Bill: Lover's tiff?
Chloe: If he'd rather love chocolate than me then it's over between us. I'm not talking to him.
Edgar: Sir, if I can be excused I need to... errr... do some computer stuff.
Chloe: I bet he's just going to get more chocolate!
Bill: Okay Edgar. I'll send Jack to you once he gets back. Chloe, stop moaning and get me some more chocolate. Michelle... Go and errr... do some work.
Michelle: Righty-o, Bill.
(Bill's phone rings)
Bill: Buchanan.
Jack disguising his voice: Hello, is there a Hugh Jass there please?
Bill: No, Edgar is elsewhere at the moment. Can I take a message?
Jack: Errmm... Ask him who ate all the pies?
Bill: Can do. Who is this message from?
Jack: I.C. Weiner.
Bill: Okay, Thanks for that. I'll tell him right now. (Muffled laughter can be heard on the other end. Hangs up)
(Bill phones Edgar's desk)
Bill: Edgar, I just received a message for you from I.C. Weiner.
Edgar: What did he say?
Bill: He asked, who ate all the pies? That mean anything to you?
Edgar: Ring him back and tell him I don't know.
(Bill re-dials Jack's phone. Jack answers)
Jack: You're Jacked in.
Bill: Is I.C.Weiner there please?
Jack: Fuck Off. (Hangs up) Fucking prank callers.
Bill: Hmmmm. Must have been the wrong number. (Dials again) Hello, I have a message for I.C.Weiner from Edgar. He says he doesn't know about any pies.
Jack again disguising his voice: Ohhh, err tell him it was my mistake. I was meant to call a Hugh Janus, not Hugh Jass. Sorry about the mistake.
Bill: Oh that's okay. Have a nice night sir. (Hangs up)
Jack: Moron.
Bill: Nice chap.
-----
Surgery Prep Room.
-----
Anesthetist: OK Dave, If you could count backwards from 10.
Dave: 10...9...8...7...6 (Falls asleep)
Anesthetist: Okay, he's asleep. (Undoes Zipper) He's all yours Jim.
Surgeon Jim: Right. Let's get to work. Hit it! (2nd surgeon turns on stereo. Dragostea Din Tei plays. Jim hums as he operates)
-----
CTU Car.
-----
Chase: There is nothing else in here that begins with "B" man.
Tony: I'm telling you there is. Do you all give up?
Jack: Yeah.
Curtis: Spose.
Chase: This better be good.
Tony: It's BITCH! Right there! (Points at Curtis and laughs)
Curtis: Why you son of a - (Lunges at Tony)
Tony: Get off me. Get off me.
Jack: Curtis, get off him. We're at CTU. (He pulls over and they get out. The Bum comes over to them)
Bum: Got any change?
Chase: But you were... How the hell did you get here?
Bum: Change Sir?
Jack: I don't care how he got here. Tony. You know what to do.
Tony: Yeh, biatch. (Shoots the bum)
Bum: Damn you, Antonio.
Tony: How'd you know my name?
Bum: Tony, I am your Father.
(Tony Kneeling and holding the Bum's head in his hands looks up at the sky)
Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
-----
CTU.
-----
(Jack and Curtis enter)
Bill: Ahhh Jack, Curtis. Where's Tony and Chase?
Curtis: Yo. That dull fuck Tony capped his dad.
Jack: And Chase is trying to cheer him up.
Bill: Wow tough break. (Pauses) You got the hardrive?
Jack: Yep.
Bill: Well give it to Edgar.
(Tony and Chase enter)
Chase: So you shot your dad, big deal.
Curtis: Why didn't you recognise him?
Tony: Probably 'cos of the beard.
Chase: So you weren't close then?
Tony: Hell no. But he owed me money for like 6 years and now I'll never get it back.
Chloe: Men are insensitive bastards.
Bill: Chloe, you got my chocky?
Chloe: No you insensitive bastard. (Storms off)
Bill: Damn. Hey Jack, have you been to see Dave yet?
Jack: No, Jim's gonna let me know when he's out of surgery.
Jimmy: You what?
Jack: I said Jim. You know the surgeon?
Jimmy: Oh him. (Walks off looking dejected)
Edgar: Did you just upset Jimmy?
Jack: No, I just said that I wasn't talking about him.
Edgar: You said THAT to him? You callous bastard.
Michelle: Who's callous?
Edgar: Jack. He told Jimmy he wasn't talking about him.
Bill: Jack said that? What a bastard.
(The 3 walk off to comfort Jimmy)
Jack: What just happened?
Curtis: You got TOLD!
Tony: He's right Jack. They pwned your ass.
Chase: Oooooo chocolate! Heads over to the chocolate machine (Jack's phone rings)
Jack: You're Jacked in.
Jim: Jack, It's about Dave. We have finished the operation. He is recovering in Infirmary room 101.
Jack: YAY! Thanks Jim.
Jimmy: What?
Jack: Not you... Ooops.
(Jimmy goes off crying)
Jack: Dammit! (Heads to see Dave)
-----
Infirmary Room 101.
-----
(Dave is lying in bed. A nurse is standing by)
Nurse: There you go, Mr Black.
(She adjusts his pillow, glances at his scar and looks over his shoulder. She pokes the scar. Dave shifts uncomfortably)
Dave: Uuuuuuhhh.
Nurse still poking: Poke. Poke. Pokey Poke Poke Poke.
(Jack arrives and the nurse stops)
Nurse: He is still a bit drowsy from the sedative but you can see him Mr.Bauer.
Jack: Thanks. (Goes over to Dave) How's it going young Padawan?
Dave: I feel better Master. Did we get anything from the Marwans?
Jack: Edgar is working on it now.
-----
CTU Edgar's Desk.
-----
(Edgar is humming Dragostea Din Tei)
Tony: OI, LARDO CALRISSIAN, STOP HUMMING THAT GODAWFUL TUNE AND GET THAT INFORMATION OFF THAT HARD DRIVE, WILL YA.
Edgar: Orite. Geez, what's bugging him?
Michelle: How 'bout the fact that he just shot his own father?
Chase: Or that you can't work for more than 6 minutes without eating a Snickers?
Curtis: And that you seem to have a short attention span?
Edgar: I can't help it if I eat a lot. Or that my attention span is lower than Tony's bank balance.
Tony: YOU FATASS! DO YOUR WORK!
Bill from across the room: Well if it's a shouting match you want I'll give you one. TONY, EDGAR, GET TO WORK NOW! AND STOP SHOUTING BECAUSE I WILL BE FORCED TO SHOUT LOUDER!
Tony & Edgar: Yes sir.
Chase: So Edgar what have you got from that disc?
Edgar: 2 Addresses, some phone numbers and a naked photo of some old woman.
Tony: You better print that stuff off.
Edgar: All of it? Even the picture?
Tony: Yeah, all of it.
(Jack comes over, sees whats on the screen and reacts in horror)
Jack: God Edgar, look at personal photos in your own time, christ! You got an address for us?
Edgar: Yeah, the first address is 16 Waterworks Street.
Tony: Dibs on Jack!
Curtis: Damn! I get stuck with Hookboy!
Jack: Okay Tony let's go. (He starts to leave) Meet me out the front in a few mins, I'll get the car.
Edgar: And the second address is 21 Alkirk Close.
Chase: I s'pose me and Curtis will have to go there then.
Curtis: Oh yeah! The C-men have it covered!
Tony: Hehe. Even more semen.
Chase to himself: Why me?
Edgar: And I will check out the phone numbers.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
(Edgar is dialing one of the phone numbers)
Edgar: ...893. (Pause) Hello, who's speaking please? (Pause) I'm just trying to find out something sir. (Pause) No I'm not a telemarketer. (Another pause) A shirt and some trousers, why? (Pause) Oh God. (Hangs up) Freak.
Chloe: Wouldn't it be easier to check those numbers using the computer?
Edgar: I prefer this method, okay?
Chloe: Can I try the next one?
Edgar: Okay. (Dials number) Here. (Hands phone to Chloe)
Chloe: Hello? Who is this?Yes, I'll hold. (To Edgar) It's mailorder.
Edgar: Hmmm. Try and find out what they ordered.
Chloe: Okay. (Waits) Yes, This is CTU. (Pauses) No I can't really prove it. (Pauses) Yes I know Jack Bauer. He's a friend of mine. (Pauses) Yes, I'll hold. Stupid holding.
Edgar: What tune is playing?
(Chloe holds phone to Edgar's ear and he hears "Dragostea Din Tei)
Edgar: What an odd choice of hold tune.
Chloe: Yeah. (Person comes back on the line) Ah yes, I need to know the item ordered by a B. Marwan. (Pause) Uhhh, cos I do, that's why.
Edgar: Are they giving you stick honey?
Chloe: They won't let me have Marwan's order details.
Edgar: Well keep them on the line. I might be able to hack into their computers through the phone line.
Chloe: But isn't that kind of illegal?
Edgar: Everything you've known Jack to do in the years you've been here and this worries you?
Chloe: Yeah, yeah, just do it.
-----
CTU Car Park.
-----
(Jack and Tony are walking to their car)
Tony: Right, who do you think would win between The Thing and The Hulk?
Jack: Wow, tough call. (Pauses) The Thing, I don't think he would get tired, and if the Hulk changes into Banner he would get owned. Who would win between Spider-man and Batman?
Tony: Well, Batman has the Batmobile and those cool kickass utilities, but he's just a guy in a suit, whereas Spiderman has actual powers, like that web thing, and athleticism, so I'm going to give the edge to Spidey there. How bout Superman and The Thing?
Jack: That's easy. Superman could use his laser eyes. Or just throw The Thing into space.
Tony: Hehehe, good point. Hey, do you know where that address is?
Jack: Nope. I'll get Edgar to guide us using the satellite.
Tony: Oooooooo fancy.
Jack: Isn't it. I'll just get Edgar to set it up. (Shouts into CTU) OI, EDGAR. SET UP THE GPS IN MY CAR TO THE ADDRESS YOU GOT FOR US.
Edgar shouts from inside the building: ALREADY DONE JACK.
Jack: THANKS EDGAR.
Tony: YEAH, THANKS FATASS.
Bill: WHAT DID I WARN YOU ABOUT SHOUTING! AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I'M BEATING YOU!
Jack: He's pretty loud for a old guy.
Tony: Yeah. Oooooo can I read out the directions like a Co-driver?
Jack: Okay.
Tony: Awesome.
(They get in the car)
Jack: Want to listen to some driving music?
Tony: Go on, then.
(Jack puts on "We Be Burnin'" by Sean Paul)
Tony: For some reason, thats not the song I was expecting to be played.
Jack: Me neither. Wonder if Chase and Curtis know the way to their address?
-----
CTU Car 2.
-----
Chase: You know the way bro?
Curtis: Man, I know this 'hood like the back of my ho's. (Thinking of his ho's) Damn fine ass.
Chase: Right then let's go.
(They head out and pull up next to Jack and Tony at some lights. They glare at each other and rev their engines)
Tony: You goin' down punks!
Chase: Just bring it, father killer.
Tony: I'll make you pay for that, Hookboy. (Pulls out his gun and points it at Chase through 2 closed windows)
Jack: Tony, leave it. We'll humiliate them with a good old fashioned street race.
GPS: Turn left.
Tony: SHUT UP! (Shoots the GPS) Oh crap.
Jack: TONY! (The lights go green and Chase & Curtis race off laughing) DAMMIT!
Tony: I'm sorry Jack. I just get pissy when it comes to my private life.
Jack: It's okay. Here have a Mars bar I took from Edgar.
Tony: Hehehe, thanks. That's one less chocky for Fat Boy.
-----
CTU.
-----
Edgar: Hmmm? I'm missing a Mars. Where could that have gone?
-----
President Logan's Office.
-----
(Novick and Palmer are sitting down)
Palmer: You done something to your hair?
Novick: I have no hair.
Palmer: Oh yeah, rite. Sorry.
(Logan enters)
Logan: David. Mike. What are you two doing here?
David: You called us here, remember?
Logan: No. Why would I do that?
Novick: Sir, I think it was about the incident tonight involving CTU.
Logan: Oh yes. Thank you Mike. Yes, about tonight. Do you think it should be made public? I mean people get kind of annoyed if I put a statement out at this time of night.
Palmer: Ermm Sir, the statement will be given in the morning.
Logan: Ohhhh good. I look forward to watching it. That will be all.
Novick: Sir, you can't watch it.
Logan: Why not? I have a TV don't I?
Palmer: Of course but you will be the one making the statement.
Logan: Damn. Mike get that recorded on tape so I don't miss it will you.
Novick: Yes sir.
Palmer: Now about this address to the nation.
Logan: Everybody knows the address already.
Palmer and Novick: What?
Logan: Everybody knows the address. It's 'United States, North America, The World'. (Finishes and stares straight ahead Palmer and novick look at each other. Palmer gets up and waves his hand in front of Logan's face)
Palmer: I think he's asleep. Can he do that?
Novick: Yes. He is very deceptive.
Palmer: What should we do?
Novick: Just leave him. We'll do the speech and get him to read it tomorrow.
Palmer: Right. (They leave but not before Palmer sticks a post-it on Logan's forehead) Hehehe.
(The post-it says 'I don't know what I'm doing')
-----
CTU Car 2.
-----
(Chase and Curtis are listening to their own driving music - Fuck Tha Police by NWA)
Chase: This song rules. I love Niggas Wit Attitude.
(Curtis punches him)
Curtis: YOU CAN'T SAY THE 'N' WORD!
Chase: Owwww. Sorry.
(Curtis is pointing out sites to Chase)
Curtis: And this is where an old lady got whacked and jacked.
Chase: Wow this city is full of hate. And ni-fty people. (Curtis glares at him eyes squinted)
Curtis: Yeah. A lot of bad things happen here.
Chase: Are most of the bad things due to ni-fty people?
Curtis: What are you implying?
Chase: Nothing, Nothing.
Curtis: You better not be.
Chase: Hey we owned Jack and Tony in that street drag.
Curtis: Yeah, you drive pretty good.
Chase: Well I used to drive cop cars before I joined CTU. So I had been in a few cars chases.
Curtis: Sweet. Well I don't normally drive around that fast. Hard to spot ho's if your goin' over 50.
Chase: So true.
-----
CTU Car 1.
-----
Jack: Why did you shoot the GPS?
Tony: I didn't like it's tone.
Jack: It's a machine. It doesn't have a personality. It can't have tone.
Tony: You want to fight about this?
Jack: No, let's just get to this address. I think we take a right by here (Turns right into an alleyway) No this isn't it. (Tries to back out but is blocked by a car parking at the entrance to the alley) DAMMIT!
Tony: Where does this alleyway go?
Jack: I s'pose we're going to find out. (Starts off down the alleyway) This is all your fault. You and your damn anger issues.
Tony: I'm sorry Jack. (Squints down to the end of the alleyway Jack, you're not going to believe this)
Jack: There is another car at the end of the alleyway isn't there.
Tony: No, I just found a Mars bar in my pocket.
Jack: Awesome. But how does that help us with our "Stuck in an alleyway" problem?
Tony: I'unno. Ask these guys to help us. (Indicates a group of tough looking youths coming towards them down the alley)
Jack: Oh shit.
Tony: You know what this means?
Jack: We need to use our authority.
Tony: Well yes but... It's another chocky bar Edgar doesn't get.
Jack: Do you think about anything other than Edgar's misery?
Tony: Not really. Hey those guys seem to have tools. (The youths have baseball bats, shovels and sledgehammers) Or maybe they have weapons. Jack floor it!
Jack: And run them all over? You got it. (Floors it and hits the youths over like bowling pins)
Tony: Oh man, they hit the ground like Edgar on a hang-glider.
Jack: Yeah, but now we're stuck at this end of the alley.
Tony: I suggest we get out of this car, and commandeer one from that road over there (Points to a road)
Jack: Good thinking. (They get out of the car, and run out into the road. A car screeches to a halt in front of Tony)
Tony draws his gun: What? You want some, Bitch?
Angry driver: What the hell are you doing? I have to get home before my wife finds out that I have gone!
Tony: Oh right. (Stands aside to let driver go. Shouts after him) HOPE YOU MAKE IT!
Jack: Tony?
Tony: I understand what he is going through.
Jack: You're a moron. (Stops another car) Excuse me ma'am we need your car. (Jack points his gun at her. The woman gets out and runs off) What's with her?
Tony: People don't like having guns pointed at them. Watch (Points gun at person on pavement, who runs off) See.
Jack: Ah right. Now get in. (They get in the car. Tony turns on the radio and Opera music starts playing)
Tony: Dumb bitch likes opera. FUCK. How do you switch stations?
Jack: Try these (Indicates numbered buttons on the radio)
Tony: Thanks. (Twiddles with buttons to no avail) Awww shit. (Goes to shoot it)
Jack: Do you have to shoot everything that pisses you off?
Tony: Good point. (Puts gun away and punches the radio)
Jack: That's better. I think it's a left here.
-----
CTU Car 2.
-----
(Chase and Curtis are singing along to the Happy Days theme)
Chase: I didn't think they played this on the radio!
Curtis: Yeah man. This is the good shit.
Chase: Yeah it is. (They pull up to the address) Okay, we're here. Now to go kill us some bad guys, C-Men style.
Curtis: Is that our team name, from now on?
Chase: Yeah, you like it? I think it's catchy.
Curtis: I think it's gay.
Chase: Then let's ask someone. Him (Points to a guy walking past) HEY YOU, DO YOU THINK THE NAME 'THE C-MEN' IS GAY?
Guy: YEH, 'COS IT SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER WORD FOR SPERM.
Curtis: You see what I mean.
Chase: Yeah I see. (Thinks) Oww. Hmmm let's think of a new nickname for us. How about... The Bad Boys.
Curtis: That name's already been used.
Chase: Damn. Hows about... Men On Fire.
Curtis: Hmmmmm.
Guy: IT'S BEEN USED.
Chase: How can he hear us?
Curtis: I dunno. Hey, lets call ourselves 'The C-Man and Hookboy'
Chase: Cool.
(They high five and walk up to the door)
Curtis: You knock.
Chase: I ain't knocking, you knock.
Curtis: Rock, Paper, Scissors?
Chase: On 3, ready? 1...2...3.
Chase: Rock!
Curtis simultaneously: Paper!
Chase: Dammit! (Knocks on the door. No response. Knocks again...) Don't think anyone is in. You go round the back, I'll pick this lock.
Curtis: You got it. (Walks around to the back door) What the?
(Curtis stops suddenly as he finds his path blocked by an angry tramp)
Tramp slurred/drunkenly: Gerroutofear. I'm warning you.
Curtis: OK, I'm backing off, I'm backing off. (Goes back over to Chase, who is still trying to pick the lock)
Chase: Thought I told you to go round the back.
Curtis: You did.
Chase: Then why ain't you there?
Curtis: 'Cos there is an angry tramp round there. He warned me to stay away. And I take tramp warnings very seriously.
Chase: Why? They can't do anything to us. We have training and guns. He has four month stubble and lace for a belt.
Curtis: Yeah but a bum foretold my dog's death.
Chase: Really? What happened?
Curtis: He said that my dog would die... (Tears in his eyes) and then later that day he was found missing. We found his carcass in an alley 2 days later.
Chase: Has it ever occured to you that the tramp may have... you know... eaten your dog?
Curtis: Not really. I just thought it had had a long fight with another dog and lost.
Chase: Riiiight. Anyway, let me show you how to get rid of a tramp. (He leads Curtis around to the tramp and makes a 'Watch and Learn' hand gesture, then he turns to the tramp) Oi, Tramp.
Tramp: Grunts indecipherably.
Chase: Grunts back.
Tramp: Grunts in Agreement. (Gets up and walks off)
Chase to Curtis: And thats how you get rid of a tramp.
Curtis: Wow. You speak tramp? Where did you learn that?
Chase: My dad.
Curtis: You mean.
Chase: Oh no, he wasn't a tramp himself. He used to help out tramps in our area and learned their language. He then taught it to me.
Curtis: Sweet.
(Chase heads round the front and Curtis opens the back door)
Curtis: Damn, what a shithole. I suppose I better look around. (Looks around) It's no use, it's too dark. All that and I need a fucking flashlight.
-----
CTU Car 1.
-----
(Jack and Tony have pulled up to the address they got from The Marwan's computer)
Jack: OK, we go in, ask some questions, and try not to shot anybody, got that?
Tony: OK, you're the boss.
(Jack and Tony approach the building and knock on the door. There is no response. Jack tries the handle and it opens. They enter into a wide open area and get shot at. Jack dives for cover and Tony stands there as bullets fly past him)
Tony shouting: HELLO? WE JUST WANT TO TALK!
Jack: Tony! Take cover and fire back!
Tony: But you said-
Jack: That was before they started shooting at us, dumbass!
Tony: Oh. (Pulls out his gun and dives behind a couch for cover) This is where I shine. Raises his gun over the top of the couch and fires.
Man: OW, YOU SHOT ME, BASTARD.
Tony: Am I good or what?
Jack: What. Now lets see who you hit. (They come out from behind their respective hiding places and walk over to a man holding a bleeding wound)
Man: Jesus, you guys invade my home and then shoot me!
Jack: Yeah sorry about that. We have reason to believe that this address is linked to terrorist activity that occured today.
Man: WHAT! How is this address linked to terrorism?
Tony: We found it listed on a hard disc found at the terrorists abode.
Man: Wow.
Tony: Yeah. So what's your name anyway?
Man: Bob. Bob Duggan, Owner and Operator of "Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack"
Tony: I've been there. They got good sausage.
Jack: I'll have to pop in sometime. But first, do you have any idea as to why your address is on a hard drive found in the home of known terrorists?
Bob: Do you have a name for this terrorist family?
Jack: Their surname is "Marwan.
Bob: Ahhh yes. The family orders special carpets from Egypt. They pay quite highly.
Tony: Hey Jack, do you think that the Marwan's use Bob here to smuggle in illegal items?
Jack: Hmmmm it's possible. Bob, do have any details about the Marwan's supplier?
Bob: All I know about him is his name.
Tony: Which is?
Bob: Sahib Hussain.
Jack: I've heard that name before.
Tony: Weren't he president of Iraq?
Bob: That was SADDAM Hussain! Idiot.
Tony: Shut up (Slaps Bob)
Jack: Calm down Tony. I think that Sahib Hussain may be the head of this plot, and that he used the Marwan's to smuggle illegal items into the country and funded their plan to kill me-
Tony: The only one good enough to stop any terrorist activity in the United States.
Jack: True true. Then we need to find these carpets and their contents. (To Bob) Is there a particular address given to you by the Marwan's other than this? (Shows Bob a piece of paper showing the Marwan's address)
Bob: I'll have to check the company records. They're on my computer, upstairs. (Points to the stairs)
Tony: Aw, Man. Now we got to climb stairs aswell. Can't I stay and check out the rest of this floor?
Jack: OK, but if something happens to you, I'm having your car.
Tony: Yeah, OK.
Jack: Sweet.
(Jack and Bob head upstairs as Tony looks around)
Tony: Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. (Gets led to a pile of candy under a box) Jackpot! (A piece of rope is pulled away from the box and it falls over Tony) Hey did the lights go out? What's with these walls? Let me out!
Kid: Hehehe. Sucker.
(Upstairs Jack and Bob are looking at Bob's computer screen)
Bob: It'll just take me a second to access the records.
Jack: OK. (Looks around and sees a picture of a young boy) This your son?
Bob: Yeah. That's Bob. Jr. He's a good kid, but he likes trapping people under boxes. He's somewhere downstairs right now. You got any kids?
Jack: Yeah, a daughter. Kim. (Reacts) So your kid was downstairs when we shot at you?
Bob: Yeah. He knows that when people enter the house that he should stay in the kitchen. It's bulletproof.
Jack: You expecting trouble?
Bob: The carpet and sausage business is more dangerous than you think Mr. Bauer.
Jack: Errr right.
Bob: Ahhh here it is. The address that the Marwan's have me deliver the carpets to if different than the one that you showed me. The other address is 21 Alkirk Close.
Jack: You sure?
Bob: Absolutely.
Jack: OK, Thanks. (Heads off downstairs, dialing his phone as he goes. Dave answers)
Dave: You're on with the Dave.
Jack: Dave? They got you working tactical?
Dave: Yeah. Only until my wound heals.
Jack: Sweet. I have reason to believe that Sahib Hussain, mentioned in various things, has smuggled illegal items into the U.S using Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack. The items were delivered to the address that Chase and Curtis have been dispatched to. Me and Tony... (Looks around for Tony) Hmmm... We will head over to that address and give support.
Dave: Okay Master. I'll tell Bill. (Hangs up)
Jack: Tony? TONY! Where is he?
Bob Jr.: You looking for someone mister?
Jack: Yeah. You seen a man, bout 6'5, short hair, kind of angry looking?
Bob. Jr: He's in the box. (Points to box)
Jack: Thanks. (Goes over to the box) Tony. You in there? (Lifts box to find Tony eating the pile of candy)
Tony: I got hungry. (Gets up and cleans himself off) So what you find out?
Jack: Bob Duggan may have unknowingly smuggled items into the US, and had them delivered to the address Chase and Curtis are at now.
Tony: What a pickle. So, we going to back them up then?
Jack: Well we have no other leads, and it could be dangerous, so yeah.
Tony: Can we stop for food on the way?
Jack: Okay. But stop me from having any food. I've already eaten and I have to watch my cholesterol.
Tony: Right.
(They go out to the car and head off to rendez-vous with Chase and Curtis)
-----
CTU.
-----
Dave: Can I get a new keyboard here Bill. This one seems to have chocolate on it. Not sure why.
Bill: That was Edgar's old keyboard. We took it off him after he started chewing on the spacebar.
Dave: Ah, OK.
Bill: You can get another one from the supply cupboard.
Dave: Thanks. (Slides out from under the desk to reveal that he is in a wheelchair) There's a step there. I'm going to jump it. (Wheels himself off the step and across the floor) Oh yes. (Pushes his wheels) Weeeeeeeeee. (Pushes his wheels) Weeeeeeeee.
Edgar: Having fun Dave?
Dave: Weeeeeeeee!
Chloe: Looks like it.
Bill: Hey Edgar, Where's Jimmy? I want to ask him something?
Dave as he wheels past: He's in the toilet. Weeeeeeeeee!
Bill: Thanks. Get back to work please Dave.
Dave: Sorry Boss.
-----
CTU Mens Restroom.
-----
Bill: Ah Jimmy, there you are. I have a question for you.
Jimmy: Kind of busy here, Boss. Can't it wait?
Bill: No, it can't. It's important.
Jimmy sighs: OK, What is it?
Bill reading a crossword clue: Thrown Lettuce. 6 and 5.
Jimmy: Uh, Tossed Salad?
Bill: I ain't into that kinda stuff. Now, what's the answer?
Jimmy: I think that IS the answer Sir.
Bill: Ahhh yes I think you're right. Good work Jimmy.
Jimmy: Thanks.
-----
21 Alkirk Close.
-----
(Chase and Curtis, have been searching the house to no avail)
Chase: There doesn't seem to be anything here at all. I'm gonna call Jack and see if he found anything at his address. (Takes out phone and dials Jack. Jack answers)
Jack: Yo.
Chase: Jack, Curtis and I haven't found jack. No pun intended.
Jack: There has to be something there. We found info linking the Marwan's to that address. So search harder. (Hangs up)
Curtis: What he say?
Chase: He says search harder.
Curtis: We should listen to him. He's usually right.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
Chase: I got a day planner.
Curtis: What's it got in it?
Chase: 7 October, Tennis and Lunch with B. Sounds saucy.
Curtis: Any mention of who "B" is?
Chase: Hmmmm. (Flicks through a few pages) Ahhhh here, 11 October, meet Bajif for arrangments.
Curtis: So now we know that this person met with Bajif. They must be involved with the Marwan's plan.
(Chase flicks through more pages and someting falls out onto the floor. Curtis picks it up)
Curtis: It's a business card for Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack.
Chase: I'll call Jack. (Takes out his phone and dials Jack. Jack answers)
Jack: Yes?
Chase: Yeah, Jack, we just found a card for a carpet and sausage place. You want me to tell CTU 'bout it?
Jack: No, we know about that. We just came from Bob Duggan's house, and are on our way to you now.
Chase: You're coming here? Cool.
Jack: Yeah, now keep looking for something that'll tell us where Sahib is today.
Chase: We got a day planner.
Jack: See what he has planned for today. We'll be there in a bit. (Hangs up)
Chase turns to today's page: Ah, here it is, November 9. "Late meeting with Capone" He must not know Capone has been captured.
Curtis: Does it say where he is going to meet him?
Chase: Yeah, there is a map of how to get there from here and everything.
Curtis: Wow. He obviously doesn't know this city then.
Chase: I'll phone Jack and get him to meet us at the location.
Curtis: Ooooo let me do it.
(Chase sighs and gives his phone to Curtis who dials Jack)
Jack: Hello, you're Jacked in.
Curtis: Wasssssssup!
Jack: Wasssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuup!
Tony: Give me the phone. (Jack gives Tony the phone) Wassssssssssuuuuuuuup.
Curtis: Fool, quit playing and give Jack back the phone.
Tony: Here ya go (Hands phone back to Jack)
Jack: What you want, C-Dog?
Curtis: We found out that Sahib was planning a meet with Capone at Cockwell Park.
Jack: Cockwell Park?
Tony: HAHAHAHAHA COCK!
Jack: Keep it down I'm on the phone. When is this meeting planned for?
Curtis: It don't say. Just says a late meeting.
Jack: Where is this park?
Curtis: It's next to that training ground by the river.
Jack: I know it. We will meet you there. C ya. (Hangs up)
Tony: Shall I ring CTU and tell them whats happening?
Jack: Yeah.
-----
CTU.
-----
Chloe answers a ringing phone: O'Brian.
Tony: Hey, Chloe, it's Tony. Listen, Chase and Curtis found a day planner at the address they went to check out. It gave the location of a meeting between Capone and the owner of the house, who we believe to be Sahib Hussain -
Jack: Tell her to get a dozen agents to bring Capone to Cockwell Park.
Tony: Righto (To Chloe) Get a dozen agents to escort Capone from the cells to Cockwell Park. Wire him up on the way. Get a couple of snipers aswell.
Chloe: Can do. (Hangs up)
Chloe shouting: BILL!
Bill behind her also shouting: YES?
Chloe shocked: Jeez did you have to shout?
Bill: Did you?
Chloe: You have a point.
(Bill throws his spear nearly hitting Jimmy)
Jimmy: Hey!
Chloe: Jack, Tony, Chase and Curtis are heading to Cockwell Park, as a meeting between Sahib Hussain and Bert Capone is supposed to take place there. Jack said we should escort Capone to the location, wire him up and let the meet happen.
Bill: OK, OK. I'll call President Logan and tell him whats going on.
(Edgar comes over)
Edgar: Chloe?
Chloe: What do YOU want?
Edgar: I just wanted to do this (Throws chocolate bar in the bin) I'm giving up the chocolate for you.
Chloe: Oh, Eddy. (They hug)
Bill: Awwww.
Kim: What's going on?
Bill: Edgar and Chloe are back together.
Kim: Awwwww that's so sweet. This calls for some chocolate!
Edgar: Well don't give any to me 'cos I've given it up.
Kim: Wow, really?
Chloe: Yeah, and it's all for me! (She hugs Edgar again)
Bill: Well I better phone President Logan. (Heads to his office)
-----
Bill's Office.
-----
(Bill enters his office, picks up his phone and dials President Logan. Logan answers on speakerphone)
Bill: Mr. President, we're close to capturing the man behind tonights attack.
Logan: Who is this?
Bill: It's Bill Buchanan sir, from CTU.
Logan: What's the problem? You want my authorisation to torture someone?
Bill: No, sir. We've almost caught the man behind the embassy bomb.
Logan: You want authorisation to torture him?
Bill: Well, we may need that after we capture him.
Logan: Well maybe you should do that first before asking me if you can torture him.
(Bill rolls his eyes and sighs)
Bill: Yes sir. We are close to capturing him now. But we need to use Capone as bait.
Logan: That mafia guy? Isn't he dead?
Bill: Thats AL Capone, sir. I'm talking about Bert Capone, the man we captured earlier this evening.
Logan: And you want my permission to torture him, do you?
Bill: THIS ISN'T ABOUT TORTURE, DAMMIT.
Logan: Then do whatever you want, I don't care. (Pause) Nancy, bring me a coffee.
Bill: Sir, I'm not your secretary, you need to hang up, then press the button to speak to her.
Logan: Thank you phone.
Bill: Goodbye Sir.
Logan: Goodbye phone. (Hangs up) What a polite phone. Sounds oddly familiar too.
(Bill dials Edgar's desk. Kim answers)
Bill: Kim? Where is Edgar?
Kim: He went somewhere with Chloe. Can I help?
Bill: Errrr I s'pose. Get Capone out of the cells and wired up and have 3 guards drive him to Jack's location in the field.
Kim: Why is my dad in a field?
Bill to himself: I'm surrounded by idiots. (To Kim) We call "the field" anywhere not in CTU.
Kim: Oh, okay. Bye Bill. (Hangs up)
Bill:Now to practise throwing my spear. (Picks up his spear)
-----
Cockwell Park.
-----
(Chase and Curtis pull up in a smoke filled car. NWA is still playing. Chase and Curtis get out of the car giggling)
Chase: That was good shit, man.
Curtis: Jamaican White. Only the best for me biatch. Now when are Jack and Tony getting here?
Chase: Dunno. Don't think they'll be long.
Curtis: Man, is it me or is it kinda cold out here?
Chase: It is a bit cold. Why don't we put some flak jackets on to keep warm.
Curtis: Good idea. (Goes to the boot of the car) Damn! The night shift ain't put any in here.
Chase: Slackers. We could, errrm, you know.
Curtis: What?
Chase: You know, huddle together for warmth?
Curtis: Hell no. I ain't gonna resort to any homo way of keeping warm. (Looks around) I'll just set fire to this bin. Gets out a match and throws it in the bin. Soon there is a congregation of tramps along with Chase and Curtis around the fire Chase: Look what you've done.
Curtis: I didn't know that'd happen.
Chase: Tramps congregate around large fires. It's Tramp Rule #1 "If fire there be, there be we"
Curtis: Tramps have a way with rhyming, don't they?
Chase: Yeh. Let me get rid of them. (Goes to one of the tramps and starts grunting)
Tramp: Grunts back.
Chase: Grunts in agreement.
Tramp: Grunts to the other tramps and they leave.
Curtis: You gotta teach me to speak tramp sometime.
Chase: Yeah, it can really come in handy.
Curtis sniggers: Hehehe handy.
Chase: What? (Pauses) Oh ha ha, very funny. (Looks towards headlights up the road) Wonder if that's Jack and Tony?
-----
Comandeered Car.
-----
Tony: I think I see Chase and Curtis up ahead. (Pauses) And a burning bin. (Pauses) And over there is a bunch of bums walking AWAY from a fire?
Jack: Someone must have told them to leave. Probably Chase. He speaks tramp.
Tony: Cool.
Jack: Yeh, here they are now (They pull up next to the CTU Car, and get out of their vehicle) What's up? CTU gotten here with Capone yet?
Chase: Not yet. They should be here in about 10 minutes.
Tony: Any sign of Sahib yet?
Curtis: We don't even know what he looks like.
Jack: What? Didn't you get a picture of him from his place?
Chase: We left before we thought of that.
Jack: Great. Well I s'pose we better move the cars away from this spot so Sahib can't see them.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
Chase: What else can we play? I Spy sucks at night.
Jack: We could make prank phone calls? I did one to Bill and Edgar earlier.
Tony: Okay, who can we call?
Chase: Hey Jack, how about David Palmer?
Jack: Ooooo good idea.
Tony: Who's phone we using?
Chase: Curtis.
Jack: Good idea. Hand it over, Darkness.
Curtis: Here ya go. (Hands over his phone)
Jack: Thanks. (Takes out his own phone and dials the number in Curtis' phone. Brief pause, then Palmer answers)
Palmer: Hello?
Jack disguising his voice: Hello, This is Rick Vaughn, The Wild Thing. I'm looking for Pedro Cerrano. Is he there?
Palmer: Errrm no. This is Former President David Palmer, Mr Vaughn. You must have the wrong number.
Jack: Oh sorry about that Sir. Sorry if I woke you.
Palmer: That's okay. Have a good night. (Hangs up) Bastard.
Jack: He seemed pissed off. Let's call Novick.
Tony: I'm going for a pee, no-one follow me. (He walks off around a corner)
Chase: Hey, let's phone Tony! (They all laugh. He dials, Tony answers)
Tony: Can't this call wait, I'm having a piss here.
Chase disguising his voice: I'm sorry sir, but I'd like to talk to you about windows.
Tony angry: At this time of night! When I'm peeing! Well you can FUCK OFF! (Hangs up. He walks back to the others) Some Fuckweed just called me asking about windows! Windows! (Everyone is trying not to laugh)
Jack suppressing a laugh: Yeah, that's terrible, Tone. Someone should give them a good talking to.
Chase also suppressing a laugh: Yeah.
Tony: What you all so desperate to laugh about?
Chase changes his voice to the "Window Call" voice: Nothing.
Tony: That was you? I oughta shoot you, you fucking dick. (Is about to pull out his gun, when he is stopped by Curtis)
Curtis: Calm down man. Calm down. It's just a bit of fun.
Tony: I'ma get you back, just you wait.
Chase: Ooooo I'm shaking. (Laughs)
Jack: Don't forget Chase, it was Tony who destroyed the chocolate machine at CTU.
Tony: Yeah, I'm gonna make it much worse for you Hooky.
Chase: Just bring it.
-----
CTU.
-----
(Edgar is cleaning up shattered glass resulting from Bill's spear throwing)
Bill: You missed a bit. (Points to missed shards)
Edgar: Why do I have to clean it up?
Bill: Payment for all the chocolate you have cost us.
Edgar: Damn me and my habits.
Bill: Yes, damn you.
Dave: Hey, I did a wheelie, look. (Attempts a wheelie and falls to the ground)
Bill: Haha, cripple fall down.
(Kim helps Dave back into his wheelchair)
Dave: Shut up.
Bill: What you gonna do, huh? Headbutt me in the groin?
Dave: Yes. (Does so. Bill collapses in pain)
Edgar: Nice.
Chloe: That was a pretty hard headbutt, Davey.
Bill in a high voice: Yeah, it was.
(Everyone laughs at Bill. Michelle walks by and falls over him)
Michelle: Argh! What the hell? Bill? (She gets back up)
Bill voice still high: Yes Michelle?
Michelle: Just wondering why you are on the floor. That's all.
Dave: He's thinking about what he said. He was a bad boy. (Smacks Bill's hand)
Kim: I wonder if Capone is with my dad yet.
-----
CTU Van.
-----
(Capone is riding in the back on the van with 3 armed guards)
Capone to people in the front: Can you put the radio on, please?
Armed Guard 1: SHUT UP AND STAY QUIET.
Capone: Technically, they're the same thing.
Armed Guard 2: He said, SHUT UP AND STAY QUIET. Asshole.
Armed Guard 3: I think we're here.
(The van stops and the doors at the back are opened by Jack)
Jack: Get him out.
(The guards take Capone out and hands his cuff keys to Jack)
Armed Guard 1: Here you go Agent Bauer.
Jack: Thanks AG 1. You can head back to CTU and tell Bill that we will bring Capone and Sahib back with us.
Armed Guard 1: Yes Sir.
(They get back in the van and drive off)
Jack: Hey guys! Capone's here. They all gather around Jack and Capone Okay, here's the plan.
(Jack proceeds to tell them the plan, then they un-huddle)
Chase: Good plan, Jack.
Tony: Yeah, the best.
Curtis: Never before has a plan like that burst forth from someone's mind.
Jack: Aw, thanks guys.
Capone to himself: I think I'm going to be sick.
Curtis: Quiet you.
(They peel off and take up their alotted spots)
Jack radios them all: Everyone in position?
Chase: Yeah Jack.
Curtis: Ready man.
(A long pause)
Jack radios again: Tony?
Tony: Sorry, I was peeing again.
Jack: You got a weak bladder or summin?
Curtis: Probably from his drinking days.
Tony: Hey Shut it!
Jack: Anyone seen any sign of Sahib?
All: No.
Jack to Capone: Remember what I told you?
Capone: Yes. Don't give anything away or I kill your Mother Fuckin' ass. Is that it?
Jack: You got it.
Chase on the radio: Oooo Jack, I see a car approaching.
Jack on the radio: Okay, everyone this is it. Get ready.
All: Right Jack.
-----
Clock. Adverts. Clock.
-----
(The car pulls up next to a statue, and out gets a middle aged indian man)
Jack to Capone: That Sahib?
Capone: Yes, it is.
Jack: You better get going, and remember, give anything away, or try to make a run for it and I will shoot you.
Capone: OK, OK.
(He makes his way towards the statue, waving to Sahib as he goes. Sahib waves back and holds out his hand to greet Capone)
Sahib: Hello again my friend.
Capone: Hello. I saw you stop back up the road. What happened?
Sahib: Some tramps wouldn't let me past until I gave them some change. I didn't want to anger them by running one over, and I don't speak tramp. So I had to pay them to go away.
Capone: I see.
Sahib: Has our plan succeeded? Is Jack Bauer dead? Are our "Items" safe?
Capone: Yes, yes. All went according to plan.
Sahib: Good, good. Then you are not needed anymore, are you? (Takes out a gun and shoots Capone)
Jack: Sonofabitch. (To others over the radio) GO GO, TAKE SAHIB ALIVE.
(Chase, Curtis, Tony and Jack come out of their positions with guns drawn)
Jack: SAHIB HUSSAIN, GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Sahib: YOU, BUT YOU DIED!
Tony: Your wrong there bub!
Sahib: Damn you Capone! (Shoots Capone's body)
Chase: Hey Tony, I think you'd like this guy, same temper as you.
Curtis: Yeah, he's pissed!
Jack: PUT THE GUN DOWN! NOW!
Sahib: You know, I should have suspected this. You are that good Mr Bauer.
Jack: PUT THE GUN DOWN!
Sahib: I know you want to take me alive.
Jack: PUT IT DOWN!
Sahib: I can't let you do that. (Raises his gun towards Jack) But before I finish this, I'm going to tell you my plans. I know that's what you want me to do.
Curtis: Oooo I love story time!
Chase: Can we listen Jack?
Tony: Please?
Jack: What! (Sighs) Okay. Tell away Sahib.
Sahib: After you killed Habib Marwan and stopped yet another attack on your precious country. I decided that to have any chance of succeeding in my own plans-
Jack: About those.
Sahib: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!
Chase: Yeah Jack.
(Jack sighs)
Sahib: I would have to get rid of you. I hired the Marwan's to kill you by fueling their revenge. With you out of the way I could put my plans into action. The bomb at the French embassy was meant to bring you into this, and The Brick and Capone were to lead you to Jaseam. He would kill you live on the internet, showing your countryman how pathetic you are, and then I would strike with no opposition! But as long as you are alive, I know my plans cannot succeed, so I have to do this. (Raises his gun again, but this time with the barrel pointing towards his face) Goodbye, Jack Bauer. (Pulls the trigger, and kills himself)
Jack: NOOOOOOOO! (Runs to Sahib's body and checks his pulse) DAMMIT. (Takes out his phone and dials CTU. Dave answers)
Dave: Hello? Oh hi Jack. Do you have Sahib?
Jack: No. Bastard shot himself. Tell Bill, and get him to tell President Logan.
Dave: Okay Jack. Oooo tell him yourself. (Puts Jack on speakerphone) Tell everyone Jack.
Jack sighs: Everyone, Sahib Hussain is dead. He killed himself before we could find out about the smuggled items. We failed. Bill?
Bill: Jack?
Jack: Phone President Logan and tell him what happened. Everyone. Tonights ordeal is over. We can keep looking for the items. But for now there seems to be no more threats to national security. Everyone can go home.
Edgar: Wohoo! Chloe?
Chloe: Yes Eddy?
Edgar: Let's go to my place. (They get up and leave)
Tony: Oh God!
Jack: Sweet Jesus. Well good night everyone.
All at CTU: Goodnight. (Jack hangs up)
Chase: Well Jack. Want a lift home?
Jack: Okay. We'll take the CTU car. (They go to the car) Goodnight guys.
Tony: Bye Jack.
Curtis: See ya.
(Jack and Chase drive off)
Curtis: Guess you got me for a ride!
Tony: Awwww shit!
-----
Clock. Credits.
-----
(The 24: Parody logo shows and a phone is heard dialing)
Voice: Hello?
Brick: It's me.
Voice: Ahhh. Are the "Items" in your possession?
Brick: Yes. After I escaped from the hospital I recovered them from Sahib.
Voice: He is dead.
Brick: I thought he would fail.
Voice: He served his purpose.
Brick: Yes.
Voice: Does anyone know I am involved.
Brick: No. No-one knows your identity.
Voice: Good. It's a shameJack had to live. Could have done without his interference in the coming fight.
Brick: Yes. Soon our weapon will be complete. Soon we will have our revenge.
Voice: Very good. Goodbye, Brick. Keep me updated.
Brick: Yes. Very well. Goodbye Mr. Bauer.
-----
Copyright.
-----
All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders.
All characters taken from the television show "24" are copyright of the Fox network.
All original characters and this script are fictional, and copyright of Daniel Barker & Sam Deere 2005.
This may be not be reproduced under any circumstances except for personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise distributed publicly without advance written permission. Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright.
-----
Contact.
-----
Any feedback is appreciated, and can be sent to either my e-mail address or the forum which is shown as my personal webpage in my profile.
