Have you ever wondered...
WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE FOR LISTER BEFORE RIMMER TAUGHT THE CAT HOW TO USE THE FOOD DISPENSERS?
Well, ponder no more, for here is the answer!
*************************
(SCENE: ListerÕs sleeping quarters. Rimmer is absent, and Lister is sitting on the bench in front of the window, doing a puzzle in a magazine.)
(The Cat spins in to the room.)
Cat: ÒAaaaow!Ó
Lister (without looking up): ÒHi, Cat.Ó
(The Cat comes to a dead stop and looks at him.)
Cat: ÒFeed me.Ó
Lister: ÒNot now.Ó
Cat: ÒWhy not?Ó
Lister: ÒIÕm busy doinÕ this jumble.Ó
(The Cat plops himself down on the bench next to Lister, pleading.)
Cat: ÒCome on, buddy, pay attention to me.Ó
Lister: ÒLater.Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me!Ó
Lister: ÒNo! YÕcan wait until after IÕve done me -- CAT!!!Ó
(The Cat has just done something that feline owners everywhere will instantly recognize: heÕs lain down across what Lister is reading, and is now grinning up at Lister, his hands clasped behind his head.)
Cat: ÒHi!Ó
Lister: ÒGet off me jumble!Ó
Cat: ÒNope -- not until you feed me.Ó
Lister: ÒOh, for smegÕs -- okay, okay, I canÕt do it while youÕre lyinÕ in me lap, can I? Get up!Ó
Cat (sitting up and beaming): ÒThanks, monkey!Ó
(Lister takes the Cat to a food dispenser and feeds him, then returns to his quarters.)
(The rest of the day passes uneventfully (well, as uneventfully as things ever do aboard Red Dwarf). Later that night, however...)
*Poke poke...*
Lister: ÒMmmmmmph....Ó
*Poke, poke, POKE!*
Lister: ÒMph!Ó (Without opening his eyes, he gropes for the blanket and pulls it over his head.) ÒOh, God... go away!Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me.Ó
Lister: ÒNo.Ó
Cat: ÒCÕmon, buddy, IÕm starving!Ó
Lister: ÒWhy canÕt you eat at the same time as the rest of us?Ó
Cat: ÒWhat? IÕm a Cat -- I eat when I want, where I want. And IÕm hungry now! Feed me!Ó
(Lister turns his face to the wall.)
Lister: ÒFor the last time, go away!Ó
(The Cat pokes him savagely a few more times. Getting no further response, he jumps down from the ladder and steps into the center of the room, where he goes into a little spinning dance.)
Cat: ÒOw! Ow ow aaaoow! Feed me, feed me, feeeeeed me! Ow, ow aaaow! Feed me, feed me now! Ow! Aooow wow --Ó
Lister: ÒCAT!Ó
(Rimmer is now awake, too.)
Rimmer: ÒFor GodÕs sake, Lister, put the Cat out -- of the nearest airlock!Ó
Cat: ÒOw! Yow aaaooooooow --Ó
Lister: ÒCat, shut up!Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me, aaaaoooow --Ó
(Lister pulls off a boot and throws it. The Cat ducks, continuing to sing --)
Cat: ÒYow, yow yow aaaaaaaoooooooaaaaoooooow --Ó
(Lister throws the other boot, which the Cat smoothly sidesteps.)
Cat: ÒWow wow wow, feed me n --Ó
Lister:ÓAll right! ALL RIGHT!Ó
(Lister knows when heÕs beaten. He rolls over, drops out of the bed, and surrenders to his fate -- the task of every cat owner since the distant days of the ancient Pharoahs, passed down through the centuries and millennia to disrupt the sleep the very last human on the very edge of the universe... (He stumbles to the food dispenser and feeds the cat. As he heads blearily back to bed, the Cat calls after him cheerfully --)
Cat: ÒThanks, buddy! See you in the morning!Ó
Lister (already three-quarters asleep again): ÒYeah, whatever...Ó
*************************
And so it went, more or less, until the fateful day when Rimmer taught the Cat how to use the food dispensers himself. The rest (as they say) is history. ^_^
WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE FOR LISTER BEFORE RIMMER TAUGHT THE CAT HOW TO USE THE FOOD DISPENSERS?
Well, ponder no more, for here is the answer!
*************************
(SCENE: ListerÕs sleeping quarters. Rimmer is absent, and Lister is sitting on the bench in front of the window, doing a puzzle in a magazine.)
(The Cat spins in to the room.)
Cat: ÒAaaaow!Ó
Lister (without looking up): ÒHi, Cat.Ó
(The Cat comes to a dead stop and looks at him.)
Cat: ÒFeed me.Ó
Lister: ÒNot now.Ó
Cat: ÒWhy not?Ó
Lister: ÒIÕm busy doinÕ this jumble.Ó
(The Cat plops himself down on the bench next to Lister, pleading.)
Cat: ÒCome on, buddy, pay attention to me.Ó
Lister: ÒLater.Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me!Ó
Lister: ÒNo! YÕcan wait until after IÕve done me -- CAT!!!Ó
(The Cat has just done something that feline owners everywhere will instantly recognize: heÕs lain down across what Lister is reading, and is now grinning up at Lister, his hands clasped behind his head.)
Cat: ÒHi!Ó
Lister: ÒGet off me jumble!Ó
Cat: ÒNope -- not until you feed me.Ó
Lister: ÒOh, for smegÕs -- okay, okay, I canÕt do it while youÕre lyinÕ in me lap, can I? Get up!Ó
Cat (sitting up and beaming): ÒThanks, monkey!Ó
(Lister takes the Cat to a food dispenser and feeds him, then returns to his quarters.)
(The rest of the day passes uneventfully (well, as uneventfully as things ever do aboard Red Dwarf). Later that night, however...)
*Poke poke...*
Lister: ÒMmmmmmph....Ó
*Poke, poke, POKE!*
Lister: ÒMph!Ó (Without opening his eyes, he gropes for the blanket and pulls it over his head.) ÒOh, God... go away!Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me.Ó
Lister: ÒNo.Ó
Cat: ÒCÕmon, buddy, IÕm starving!Ó
Lister: ÒWhy canÕt you eat at the same time as the rest of us?Ó
Cat: ÒWhat? IÕm a Cat -- I eat when I want, where I want. And IÕm hungry now! Feed me!Ó
(Lister turns his face to the wall.)
Lister: ÒFor the last time, go away!Ó
(The Cat pokes him savagely a few more times. Getting no further response, he jumps down from the ladder and steps into the center of the room, where he goes into a little spinning dance.)
Cat: ÒOw! Ow ow aaaoow! Feed me, feed me, feeeeeed me! Ow, ow aaaow! Feed me, feed me now! Ow! Aooow wow --Ó
Lister: ÒCAT!Ó
(Rimmer is now awake, too.)
Rimmer: ÒFor GodÕs sake, Lister, put the Cat out -- of the nearest airlock!Ó
Cat: ÒOw! Yow aaaooooooow --Ó
Lister: ÒCat, shut up!Ó
Cat: ÒFeed me, aaaaoooow --Ó
(Lister pulls off a boot and throws it. The Cat ducks, continuing to sing --)
Cat: ÒYow, yow yow aaaaaaaoooooooaaaaoooooow --Ó
(Lister throws the other boot, which the Cat smoothly sidesteps.)
Cat: ÒWow wow wow, feed me n --Ó
Lister:ÓAll right! ALL RIGHT!Ó
(Lister knows when heÕs beaten. He rolls over, drops out of the bed, and surrenders to his fate -- the task of every cat owner since the distant days of the ancient Pharoahs, passed down through the centuries and millennia to disrupt the sleep the very last human on the very edge of the universe... (He stumbles to the food dispenser and feeds the cat. As he heads blearily back to bed, the Cat calls after him cheerfully --)
Cat: ÒThanks, buddy! See you in the morning!Ó
Lister (already three-quarters asleep again): ÒYeah, whatever...Ó
*************************
And so it went, more or less, until the fateful day when Rimmer taught the Cat how to use the food dispensers himself. The rest (as they say) is history. ^_^
