I- I don't know what I want. I want to be good enough. I want to stop these tears. I want someone to look me, in the eye, and tell me, despite my mistakes, I'm perfect. I don't want it to be a passing thing. I want them to stop, to stand in front of me and hold my shoulders. I want to hear that I'm perfect. And I want to be able to believe them. But... We don't always get what we want, do we?
It was Ciel's birthday.
And Sebastian knew what that meant.
He slept with his young master that night, and stayed with him as he cried, wrapping his arms around the boy's torso and holding him close. Ciel refused to acknowledge the tears in his eyes, choosing to stare up at the ceiling and ignore them. But he didn't push Sebastian away either.
"Sebastian, I miss them," he whispered.
"I know, Ciel, I know."
Ciel stared upwards, drawing imaginary pictures with his teary eyes. A mommy, a daddy and their son, holding hands. "I miss them so, so much."
Sebastian nodded, "I'm sorry."
"Sometimes I hate them for abandoning me." A large house and a little boy in front of it, looking around him and calling out.
"They didn't abandon you, you know that. They loved you very much."
"I know. I just... Don't know what else to feel." The boy among many others, all adults and the boy looking up at them, scared and nervous.
" Don't feel as if sadness is wrong," Sebastian reached up and wiped away a stray tear, "It's alright to feel sad, Ciel."
Ciel shook his head, "No. No, it's not alright. That's why... That's why I hate this." He gestured to the two of them, lying together, he gestured to his teary eyes, he gestured to everything, just in general. The young boy smiling as everyone turns to face him.
"Don't hate this," Sebastian whispered, nuzzling his face into Ciel's neck, "Please... Don't."
Had Sebastian been anyone other than himself, he'd be crying to, or at least tearing up. More than anything, he wished he could do the impossible and bring Ciel the people he wanted. He wished he could take away Ciel's pain and inflict it on himself. Ciel didn't deserve this. Sebastian wanted to protect Ciel. But he couldn't do anything against this.
"Ciel... Give yourself one day. One day to be sad and to show it."
To cry isn't in Ciel's immediate nature but it wasn't hard to try.
So he did. Ciel cried, drawing with his eyes and ignoring it, but he still cried. He cried for his parents, his home, his childhood. He cried for himself.
Just like every year.
