Comes a Horseman Remixed with…

By Rob Morris


Itself


(We see Kronos teaching a history class)

K: The history of mankind is one of brutality. But even the supposedly strong delude themselves. We all hang on to some romantic notion. Hitler had his star-charts. Napoleon believed he could actually find romantic love. Alexander wanted to be a philosopher conqueror. Uh-uh. You want to be a bastard, you go through and through. Or else---you go all quiet and teach history.

(Class laughs)

K: Remember always the greatest lesson of them all: Have your damned term papers in by Tuesday!

(Senses buzz)

Methos: (Sarcastically clapping) Good speech, brother. I am impressed.

K: I had a brother, once. But he left me to be a king maker in Rome. Taught me that even wanton cruelty and true freedom can have a hollow ring.

M: Not another loyalty speech (Tsks)

K: Wasted on you, Methos. Good day.

(Methos gets in his face)

M: Cassandra's after me. Be a lamb and make mutton of her for your old brother, hmmm? In exchange, I'll take care of Macleod. He's been a bad influence on you.

K: What have you against Duncan?

M: 1876. The railways. Could have been all mine. Presidents and Kings bowing to me. But the Vanderbilts, Morgans, etc. are all saved from disaster by a Pinkerton with attitude named Duncan Macleod.

K: (Slams his books) The world has changed, Methos! It has no more use for master planners than mounted swordsmen.

M: Your story. Mine is, they need a guiding hand--whether they want one or not. In or out, clock-keeper? Alive or dead?

K: In. Macleod is mine, though. I get to silence his preachy voice. But show Dear Cassandra some mercy; Just take her head; Don't give her any speeches.

(Later, by Kronos' car)

DM: You told me you had been a bastard. But Kronos, this is different.

K: Is it? When he left, I became bored with living. I was Pestilence, and I was in the air they breathed, and in the food they ate. With him back, my life has meaning again. Meaning you cannot comprehend. We ride again.

DM: Then You and I Are Done.

K: Actually, Duncan, I'm surprised we ever started. Now you, and your Yellow Submarine stay out of our way. Have a hoagie or whatever. But if we see you break the surface, we will dive for battle.

DM: Laying the clues on a bit thick, aren't we?

K: Oh, give me a break. He was the planner.

(Later, at the sub base, Duncan takes Methos)

M: MINE IS THE HAND THAT WROTE THE BOOKS OF THE DEAD!!!

DM:(Takes him) Time to write the last chapter.

K: (Sees Cassandra about to take him, after he has taken Silas) Do it.

DM: Cass, NO!

K: No regrets, Duncan. Being around him again merely reminded me--I cannot abide living in your world--and I no longer have the strength to destroy it. Methos' betrayal took too much out of me. Be well, my friend.

(Cass does it; The Q comes and goes)

Cass: (Shakes her head) It brought me no peace, Duncan.

DM: It never does.


A Writer/Directors Strike


Peter Wingfield : You can't kill me. I know where MacLeod and Cassandra are.

Val Pelka: Oh, is that...so? Welll, its a pity that you don't know where Silas and Caspian are

(Winks at him)

PW: Oh, yeah. I know where they are, too.

Adrian Paul : Did you kill those ten thousand people? Were you death on a horse, and damned good at it?

PW: Damn me, Methos, answer him!

Tracy Scoggins: You know him as Kronos, but he is always Alfred Bester to me---oh, crap.

VP: You're wrong, Cassandra! I've never seen you before in my life---errr, except for the million years you were our slave.

PW: I killed Caspian! I liked Caspian!

AP + VP: That was SILAS!!!

PW: I liked him too.

AP: I tell you, he's leaving these clues to betray us as to their plan

TS: No, Duncan. That's just what The Shadows want us to...not again!

VP: Now, we away to our secret base, full of old Sub-Mariner Comic Books! And-and submarines, too.

AP: I am The End Of Time!

VP: Er, uh--no, you're not. In fact---I claim that title!

PW: Poor little Connor--so naive about the way the world really is.

AP: I'm Duncan.

PW: Well, you're naive, too.

Jim Byrnes : But the Fantastic Four are only a legend!

AP: Cousin Sandra, No! Kronos has paid for his crime---and so has--er---Methos!

TS: NO! He must pay for almost causing the destruction of the last, best hope of...Oh, I give up!

AP: What kind of salad dressing you want, Pete?

PW: A Thousand Islands, Adrian. A Thousand Islands.

VP: Hey, uh, Trace? Adrian, Pete? The SFX guys are on strike, too. We were supposed to make CLANG, CLANG noises while we filmed.

All ( Because the Credits Guy is on strike ):

And here we are, we're The Masters OF The Universe; It won't be long; Fighting Our Survival; We've Come To Use The Pools Of Your World!

END


Comes a Horseman Remixed with HL:TS Season 1


(Father Darius prays in his church; In walks a familiar enemy)

Kronos: You were my greatest student, little man. You could have been Methos' replacement.

Father Darius: Greetings, Kronos. Even the Scourge Of God is welcome in his House. But please make it a short stay.

K: That depends on you, conqueror. Now, I can wait outside, picking off your visitors as they come and go, or you can step off Holy Ground with me, and have done with it. What say you, Priest?

(Darius whips out his sword, quickly doing an air kata that seems to impress even Kronos)

D: As the young people are wont to say, Let us go for it, then.

(Darius fights like a tiger, but Kronos is Kronos, and takes him. He dumps the body and head back inside the Church, a message to MacLeod that he is back, seeking vengeance for the Old West)

(Later, Horton and his Hunters walk inside, and find Darius. He looks around outside, and sees charring, evidence of a Quickening; His brow furrows)

Horton: One of them--possibly the worst of their lot--got here first. What about Macleod's woman?

Henchman: Mortal.

H: Doesn't stop her from delivering a message for us. Miscegenation—so to speak, and all that.

(Later, aboard Duncan's barge, he and Richie find Tessa's body, her head cut off. Written in her blood are the words: You Are Watched)

Rich: Mac, what the hell are we gonna do?

DM: I need an ally, Rich. I'm sorry. (Stabs Richie to awaken him)

(Later, Kronos has independently found Silas and Caspian, and cornered DM and Rich)

Kronos: I bear you no grudge, boy. But you keep the wrong company. Frontier Justice, Macleod?

DM: One on One, Koren. You know the rules.

K: Actually, I am called Kronos. and I respect those rules--but right now another party is about, killing our kind off-I need your head, MacLeod. Power will see me through this new player, whoever he is.

(Enter Horton and henchmen ; Hidden, we see one of them is Methos, having fed Horton enough rhetoric to get in)

H: That would be me. Imagine this. Three of the Four Horsemen. (Fires, blows heads off Silas and Caspian) Takeaway two. (Somehow, Rich is in position to be primary recipient of their Q's)

K: I like you. You hate our kind--But I like you. There's something so nice about truly pure hate.

H: Believe it or not, I'm glad you approve, Kronos. Of all your kind, at least you have the decency to show your true nature.

K: The same, sir. So do it.

(Kronos has spotted Methos by now, and correctly figured he would gun down Horton's henchmen. The slippery Horton, though, finds the river)

K: Greetings, Brother of Eld!

(Methos stares over to Mac and a shaking Richie; Smiles, aims his automatic at them, then fires at Kronos)

Methos: We Are Not Brothers!

(Kronos finds the river, as well, not even bothering to shout vengeance upon Methos, merely giving him a look that says it all)

DM: If you're here to help, help my friend.

(Richie goes wild, runs off in a frenzy)

DM: Rich!

Methos: Forget him, for now. He's a young man who's lost two dear friends, and gotten two powerful, barbaric Quickenings as his first. He'll be little better than an animal, for a time.

DM: And you are...

M: A very tired, very old man, MacLeod. Come. We're to meet a man named Dawson, and tell him about his brother-in-law's extracurricular activities. He won't take it well. On the one side, we have a group of fanatical Immortal-Haters. On the other, a killing machine who led other killing machines. In case you hadn't guessed, we're in the dead middle of it all.

DM: My wife is dead, and so is the Priest who performed the ceremony. May I at least mourn them, first?

M: Trust me, MacLeod. There is always time later--for regrets.

(At a Marseilles Restaurant, we see that Kronos has regrouped)

Kronos: You are all men whose work I have admired. Together, we can make this world a living, breathing place again, where men who dare rule over all, and the thunder of our hooves are the sound of the devil approaching. What say you?

Kantos: I'll lend my voice to that chorus.

Kalas: I have less of a voice, but my mind is as sharp as ever. These Philistines don't deserve a world of art, anyway.

Kronos: And what of you? Though younger than I, I will relinquish my title of Pestilence to you. For the world still shakes at your name.

(The fourth man puts down his paper; We see it is The Kurgan; Part of his face is gone)

Kurgan: So long as both MacLeod's meet sword point, this kind of thing is why I was born.

Kronos: Then truly, The Four Horsemen Ride Again!

End Season One


Slackerdom


(We see Methos hurriedly walk into MacLeod's loft; There are pizza boxes everywhere, and Macleod is just munching chips while watching soaps)

Methos: Duncan, its a disaster! Kronos, my old brother-in-arms, is back! He plans to destroy the world!

DM: Hey, Methos? Commercial break, Ok?

(Commercial comes on)

DM: Alright, what's up?

Methos: I just told you! Kronos is forcing me to reassemble the Four Horsemen! Life as we know it is in terrible jeopardy!

DM: Yeah, yeah, Big Eyes, Big Eyes! So why are you here?

Methos: How can you just sit there like that?

(Connor walks in)

Methos: Connor, talk some sense into your kinsman!

CM: Later for you, pal. Duncan---these chips are made FROM jalapenoes!!

DM: Give here!!

(Laughing stupidly, they both sit down and watch more TV; Methos leaves disgustedly, to talk to Joe)

JD: But the Four Horsemen are just a legend.

Methos: Check your tomes, Dawson.

JD: But they're all the way back at my apartment.

M: You live upstairs!

JD: You shouldn't yell at me, Methos. Now we're not friends anymore.

M: AAAARRGHHHH!!!!

Kronos: So you're in full with us, brother?

Methos: Yes! If the MacLeods are just going to sit there eating 'Mrs. Greens Jalapeno Chips' all day, then this world NEEDS a big change.

(Kronos gets a stunned look)

K: You mean to say Duncan MacLeod has some of those new ALL-Jalapeno Chips, and you didn't tell us? Brothers! We ride for Macleod's loft!

(Kronos frees Cassandra, who goes with Silas and Caspian to get beer and pretzels)

Methos: This isn't happening (Cries)

(Back at MacLeod's loft)

K: I don't get it. Who is this guy?

DM: He's Mike. He took over when Joel escaped.

Silas: How late is Domino's open til?

CM: Oh, 3 or 4 am. Order more garlic sauce.

Cass: But what happened to TV's Frank?

Caspian: Torgo from 'Manos, the Hands Of Fate' took him. Good man-goat, that Torgo.

(A knock on the door, DM answers, pizza slice in hand)

DM: Methos! Long time no see.

Methos: I'm here for you, MacLeod!

DM: I'm ready.

Methos: All right, then (Pulls out a list) Duncan, Cappicola, Provolone, and Salami-- Connor, Turkey, Swiss, and Bacon -- Kronos, you had the Ham-Buster, and Cassandra, the Tuna Surprise. Silas and Caspian -- Two large whole sides of roast beef, with two 10-pound jars of mustard and mayonnaise. 435.70$, please.

DM: Guess 'Methos' Sub Shop' is going great guns, huh? What are you taking for that sore throat, old friend?

M: A thousand Sucrets, Macleod. A Thousand Sucrets.

(He leaves, disgusted)

DM: Hah! Sucrets!

K: Yah, what a loser. More Doritos, anyone?


Police Squad!


HIGHLANDER - IN COLOR

STARRING ADRIAN PAUL AS DET. DUNCAN MACLEOD

(We see DM breaking into a room, there are cops playing poker)

ALSO STARRING CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

(We see Connor swinging from tree to tree, only to find there is no vine)

Special Guest Star: Stan Kirsch

(Richie falls out the window and into a giant fan blade; DM throws up his arms when the Quickening affects the TV)

TONIGHT'S EPISODE: Narrator: Comes A Horseman (On Screen: Kronos Strikes)

DM: I was investigating several dead bodies found at the local cemetery when I got a call to go to 35B East Riverside. As usual, Connor was already there.

CM: (Holds up severed head) Hey, Duncan, whaddya make of this?

DM: Oh, a planter, a nut tray, I dunno.

CM: Nah. More of an umbrella stand. So what do you think happened?

DM: I'd stake my reputation that this man was murdered--and pretty recently, at that.

CM: My thoughts exactly. Now, let's say we interrogate the suspect.

DM: Ok.

C+DM: We interrogate the suspect.

DM: The suspect's name was Methos. He was an old guy. So old he knew just who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-abomp.

Methos: I tell yez, I didn't do it! Me, I'm outta the game.

Cassandra: He's loing, Duncan! He was there! Back 3000 years ago, he was one of da Horsemen! They treated me horribly!

DM: Just what did he do?

Cass: We went out, and then he never called back.

(DM strangles Methos)

DM: You unspeakable cad!

CM: (To Cass) Cigarette?

Cass: Yes, it is.

Desk Sgt: Hey, Dunc! Amanda on Line 2!

DM: (Still strangling Methos) Tell her I'm not here.

CM: Hey, Duncan! Don't you think you've done enough to this guy?

DM: (Walks away) You're right.

CM: (Starts strangling Methos) All right you, talk!

Meth: Ackk!!Gagarggh! Plsiejhhnhackkk!!

DM: You shoulda said that earlier, and we woudna gone so rough on ya.

DM: (We see his car driving backwards) I decided to head on down to the submarine base, using Methos tip. Along the way, I stopped at Joe's, to see what he knew.

JD: Sorry, Macleod. But the Four Horsemen are only a legend.

(Mac slips him 20)

JD: (Whispering) Kronos is planning to erase all written copies of Stephen King's The Stand, so only the ABC Miniseries will be known.

(DM leaves, the President enters)

Clinton: What does Starr have on me?

JD: Sir! Who knows?

(Another 20)

JD: He has BUBCUS!!! But you have to give him a way to exit gracefully.

(Down at the submarine base, Kronos has been stopped)

DM: Well, I guess you'll have to plot to destroy the world from Statesville Prison!

Kronos: Methos, brother! How could you betray me?

Meth (Holding Cass) Because, my brudder, I loves this little girl, and she even forgave me once I explained how you ditched her phone number.

Cass: Oh, Methie!

Kronos: Oh, my plans are ruined! Who ever heard of gangs or plots in a prison?

DM: Well, I guess it just goes to show you, Kronos...the best laid plans of Mice and Horsemen often go astray!

(For some reason, all except Kronos laugh; They freeze; Kronos escapes, but can't get out of the scene)

Kronos: Hey!!! Anyone!!!

(No matter which way he runs, as the credits roll, he is still trapped)

Narrator: Highlander is a Rysher/Davis Production

Kronos (Screaming) I'M STUCK OUTSIDE OF TIME!!!!!!

The Muppet Show
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kermit: IT'S THE MUPPET SHOW! WITH OUR VRY SPECIAL GUESTS --- THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE-----YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

(They sing their intro; We see K, M, S, and C posing with giant monsters like Sweetums)

Kermit: Well, everyone, we've got a great show, so let's go to our first number...

(Fozzie comes out)

Fozzie: Kermit---problem!

Kermit: What's the problem, Fozzie?

Fozzie: Toucan Macloud is hunting The Horsemen!

Kermit: WOW! Duncan MacLeod is here?

Fozzie: No, no. Not Duncan MacLeod. This guy is...

(We see a kiwi-looking Muppet walk out, wearing a Scottish Kilt)

TM: AH AM TOUCAN MACLOUD OF THE CLAN MACLOUD!

Kermit: (Rubbing the side of his head) Yeah, you sure are! Uh, why are you here?

TM: OCH, AH SHOOD THEENK IT WOOLD BE OBVIOUS, LAD! AH SEEK THE FOUR HORSEMEN! OUR GAME IS NOT YET DONE!

(For some reason, Kronos and the others hide backstage)

Methos: Fozzie, help us! Toucan Macloud has seeked us all over the world!

Kronos: He mustn't find us.

Fozzie: Uh, guys? He scares me!

Caspian: Well, of course. You'd have to be a maniac not to be scared of THAT psycho.

Silas: Wait! He seeks The Four Horsemen!---But not The Four-----

(On stage)

TM: OCH, FROGGIE!!! I SAY YEW ARE HIDING THE HORSEMEN, BUT I MUST SEEK THEM! THEY ARE BACKSTAGE!!

(Fozzie gives the AOK to Kermit)

Kermit: Oh, no they're not. Here, let's see!

Fozzie: Psst! Kermit!! Read this.

Kerm: And now, it is my great pleasure to present...The Four.....

TM: AH KNEW IT!!!

Kerm: The Four Seasons!!YAAAYY!!!

(With early 60's hairdos are The Four Horsemen; Kronos is Frankie Valli)

K: There ain't no good in our goodbyein'

M: True Love Takes A Lot Of Tryin'

S: Oooh, I'm Cryin...

C: (Guitar Licks)

All: Let's Hang On; To What We Got; Don't Let It Go Girl We Got A Lot; Got a Lot Of love Between Us; So Hang On; To What We Got

(Song ends, applause)

(Toucan Macloud goes up to Sam The Eagle)

TM: I SEEK THE FOUR HORSEMEN, YA GREAT BIRDIE!

Sam: I assure you, Sir, that the Four Horsemen are only a myth!

TM: NAE TA ME THEY'RE NOT! COME OUT, BOYS! OLLY-OLLY OXEN FREE!!!

Sam: Oh, you mustn't say that, here.

TM: AN WHY NOT!!!?

(Casually, a group of muppet oxen trample Toucan Macloud, while Sam watches)

Sam: (Looking down) It's just generally not a good idea.

Oxen Muppet: Yeah, Sam, what's up?

Sam: Oh, nothing Ollie.

Ollie Oxen: False alarm, gang. Everybody back.

TM: NOT AGAIN!!!!

(Yes, again)

(We see Silas and Caspian sitting in Statler and Waldorf's Box)

Silas: Those two old men were mean!!

Caspian: Yeah, shouldn't have said those things to Fozzie.

Fozzie (From Onstage): Hey, fellas? I don't think that balcony is going to support your...

(Balcony collapses)

F: Weight.

Methos: Sorry, Fozzie. I had to let them do that when Oscar wouldn't let them near his garbage can.

Toucan Macloud: OCH, I HAVE CORNERED YEW HORSEMEN, AND NOW I SHALL HAVE YUIR HEADS!!!

Kronos: Horrors!!!

(Cassandra bursts in and rushes at Toucan Macloud)

Cass: Stay back, Toucan! They are mine, and our business is not yet done.

TM: OH, GO AWAY YA GREAT COW!!

Cass: (Fuming) A cow, am I? HIYYYYIAAAAAA!!!

(Takes his head off with a karate chop)

Kermit: Well, that's the end of our time!!!

Next: Immortals Hospital: The Continuing Stoooorrryy of a Quack--Who's Gone to the Head.

Then: Horsemen In SPaaaaaacccee!!!!


Clan Denial


(We see Cassandra going for Methos' throat)

Methos: I don't know you!

Cass: He's lying!

(Pushes DM away; They fight)

Richie Ryan: What the hell is going on here?

Cass: Stay out of this, Richie!

Meth: Yes, this is not your fight!

RR: Yeah? Well, I'm makin it mine! Now you two crazy kids make up. Now!

C+M: I'imm I'm sos-sorry.

RR: All righty, then. Methos, you tell Kronos you're in with him. We'll need an inside man.

DM: Can I come, Richie?

RR: No. I don't want you going anywhere near Kronos---understood?

DM: Darn.

RR: (Scoops up Cassandra) You're mine, beautiful!

Cass: Oh, my Lord and Master!

Meth: She used to call me that.

(THE VILLAINS HIDEOUT!!!)

Kronos: NOOO!!! Richie Ryan has returned to town? Blast his heroic hide!!

1983

Kronos: NONE of you kiddies is getting in to see 'Return Of The Jedi'! Luke and Leia are....owwww!!

(Richie kicks Kronos down there)

RR: Out with you, ya dumb creep!

(Throws Kronos out, into the mud)

(Silas and Caspian shake, looking a little like Bulk and Skull)

S+C: Lets get outta here!!!

The Present

Silas: Say, how were we in that? You hadn't found us back then.

Caspian: And just what was that big secret about Luke and Leia?

(Kronos whispers it to him)

Caspian: YUCCKK!! But they kissed and everything.

(The final battle comes and goes, and Richie stands victorious)

RR: Then Its Time For A New Beginning!!!

(He stops; Lowers his sword, and helps Kronos up)

SK: Hi, folks. I'm Stan Kirsch, and I'm an actor.

VP: My name is Valentine Pelka. We did this parody for a reason.

AP: At the end of Season 5, Stan decided to leave the show, with no hard feelings, as demonstrated by his appearance in the final episode.

Tracy Scoggins: Being part of another highly popular, wildly inconsistent syndicated sci-fi show, I can tell you that characters departing is good for the show's health, no matter the pain it causes. Except for that 'John Goodman has been dead for the past year' thing on Roseanne. That sucked.

All: Yeah, yeah, that that was no good.

SK: So, to Clan Denial--let it go. I'll be taking over the lead in 'Footloose' this fall on Broadway, and really can't afford to answer any more e-mail.

William Shatner: Get a Life, Will Ya?

All: Well said!!!

VP: Oh, and in case you're wondering why Silas and Caspian didn't speak up--well, they're not actors, and they really are stupid and crazy.

Silas: Kronos has joined with Ryan!!

Caspian: Traitor!!!

S+C: We Better Get Outta Here!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!

SK: Yes, they are!


Forever Knight


Teaser: (We see Lacroix talking on his radio show )

Lacroix: That, my children, was the remarkable Mister William Joel. For so young a man, he has life's experiences well pegged. Although, I, myself, tend to avoid Italian restaurants. But he was correct: We all do have a face that we hide away forever. What does your Stranger look like?

(Hands burst through the studio window, and drag Lacroix out )

(Intro... He was brought over in....etc. )

(Outside, we see a bottle of wine-that-isn't being splashed in Lacroix's face )

Kronos: (As a vampire, natch ) Hello, my brother. Air has returned to reclaim its Fire.

Lacroix: (Trying but failing to look nonplussed) Kronos, my brother of old. I am pleased to see you alive.

Kronos: I wouldn't be, if you hadn't destroyed that Little Crusader for me. You--did destroy him, didn't you? Because, on the off chance you didn't, I would be obliged to destroy you. Perhaps I ought to give you a few hours, to make sure of certain---Knightly matters.
-----------------------------------------------

(Of course Lacroix doesn't destroy Nick )

Nick: You told me The Four Elements were nothing but a myth.

Lacroix: As with all myths, Nicholas, there is a basis in reality. The only part you never really knew before was Kronos' part in your re-creation.

Nick: (Clearly disgusted ) I've never had any illusions about you. But self-interest has been your main guide. Now you tell me stories of whole kingdoms laid waste. Places that once left our kind alone. The First Rule , You Told Me, was never to draw attention to what we are.

Lacroix: No, my son. The First Rule Is Survival.

Nick: And you disregarded even that.

Lacroix: I disregarded mere survival for life. When has mere survival ever been enough, for anyone besides yourself? I was Fire, Nicholas, Fire From The Skies, and at my whim, The World Was Lead To Burn! Ten thousand throats, all bearing my mark. Ten thousand bodies, drained of every drop. Not a one brought over.

Nicholas: Because of my efforts to become more human, I can now go an hour in the sun. Natalie, as my 'daughter' shares that trait. That gives us an hour to hunt you and Kronos when you can't run.

Lacroix (Smiling ): It was those efforts to become more human that destroyed my mad daughter, after all. Be well, Nicholas, my son.

Nick: I'm no son of yours. You and I, we're done.

Lacroix: You and I, Nicholas--we're never done.


Kronos: So simple a task, Licinius. But you failed. (Yells In His Face ) Give me a VERY COMPELLING reason why I shouldn't destroy you.

Lacroix: I'll give you two. I know where Silas And Caspian are.

Kronos: You jest. Without us, surely some sharpened stick found them long ago.

Lacroix: Wrong. Caspian enjoys the hospitality of an Alberta madhouse. Silas works the mines up by the Arctic Circle. Want to find them?

Kronos: With them--and you at my side, Lacroix, then Chernobyl Squared moves into high gear. Imagine this whole wide land--and no sun to drive us into hiding. Those Yank-built broilers blow up rather easily, you know.

Lacroix: Nuclear Winter. I approve, of course. I will come up with an apropos method of approach.

Kronos: The Four Elements will once again transact the business of the hidden world!


(Nick and Nat find what was the Elements' lair )

Nat: (Sees message drawn in blood ) California Dreamin'? Is that Nutburger's idea of a joke?

Nick: Maybe, maybe not. 'All The Leaves Are Brown, And The Sky Is Gray'. No sunlight.

Nat: How would he accomplish such a thing? Wait, don't answer that.

Nick: He's either leaving us clues--or setting up a trap. Either way---we go after them.

(Scene closes as Nick takes note of the 'radiation hazard' symbol drawn below. )


Cyberpunk


(All our characters sport Dominion-type eyewear, their link to cyberspace)

DM: (Talking to Joe's Holo-Image) So you've lost the entire Watcher base?

JD: Yeah, but it was random. Somebody's put an awful lot of lines into this program, Mac. Any locks on this viral-type?

DM: Joe, I got feelers out so far, I'm close to crashing my wetware net. Wait....its Rich in Silcvalley---an old enemy of mine---an outlaw hacker named Melvin Koren. Remember the UE fooddrop of 2037? The one filled with that inert grain? His doing. His specialty. Wait... Viral-type has a label--- Cahrev 68 --- Got anything? br

JD: Cahrev 68 is a myth, DMac. A group of hypernerds went Billy when the two hit the three zeroes. Gosp-John Reference to Final Deletion.

Cass: (Comes online) DMac, please cease search for FalseKoren TrueKronos. JDaws, CahRev 68 is no myth. Ask its programmer. Ask Methadam. Former and potential mass wetware deleter.

DM:Methadam, query on Cassaccuse massdeleter?

Methos (Appears) There were deletions. There were many deletions. There still are.

DM: Query delete total?

Methos: 10K. Negative ID on Cassvox. No file found.

Cass: Misinformed. Suggest searchfile.

(No response from Methos)

DM: Methadam---forget you know this address.

(Later)

Kronos: CahRev 68 is armed, cybrother. Fully defensible. DMac delete Y/N?

Methos: N

Kronos: Methadam prepare for purgative power surge. Total memory wipe.

Methos: Timelord query? Delete all? Delete adresses, Cy-Brute and Cas-Purge?

Kronos: If not misinformed, Ancient Destroyers surf once more. We will retain current tech-level. Rest of mundanity reduced to era of 56K Modem

DM: Jdaws and Cassvox, have audaccess to confab Timelord/Methadam.

Cass: Misinformed. ROM-erasure scenario.

DM: Affirmative. It just won't be my ROM..!111!!!!!!

(In 1998, Mac removes VR helmet; Beside him is the programmer from 'The Tower')

Prog: Did I get it right, Mister Macleod?

DM: (Shakes his head) Kid, find some other way to repay your debt to me. (Staggers out)

(Kid goes to hit delete, electric shock roasts him; A voice comes from the speakers)

Kronos' Voice: Ah-Ah! Don't touch that dial!! All right, its time for some DoomQuake Deathmatches. See you round, DMac!

(Laughter)


Dark Endings

1

(We see Joe and Methos attending the funerals of DM and Cass)

Joe: You got Kronos, right?

Meth: He's gone.

Joe: Good riddance.

(They drive away)

Joe: You know, I still haven't been able to contact Richie or Connor.

Methos: No, and I rather expect that you never shall. (Stabs Joe and pushes him out the car, by a mountainside)

(Later)

Adam Pierson: As the Watchers' new leader, I shall grant the best example possible--by remaining out of sight. Always remember--getting involved with your Immortal charges can be fatal. Just ask poor Joe.


2

(DM and Kronos fight, K trips over something; Holds It Up; It is a large pack of dynamite
with a timer)

Kronos : (Disgusted) You Are WITHOUT Honor, Macleod!

DM : Kronos, it isn't mine! Throw it awa.....

(As the explosion occurs, Methos tries to shield Cassandra, but both are shredded, as are Silas and Kronos; DM emerges, leg shredded, arm missing Sees Joe)

Joe Dawson : Mac, I have something to tell you. It's about Horton.

DM (Enraged) He's ALIVE?!!!!

(Joe pulls a gun)

JD : No. He was an amateur.

(Blows his head off)

Aide : Now what, Mister Dawson?

JD : Now we wait for Connor to emerge, and we 'help' him find his kinsman's killers.

(Walks away, dismissively throws away cane, laughs and walks normally)


3

(DM has just finished Kronos, appears too exhausted to cry out, and Cass takes Methos)

Cass: He may have been your friend, Duncan---but he was a fiend. Now, it is done.

DM: He intervened for me during the Dark Quickening, Cass.

(Gets up to walk beside her)

DM: He risked his head to get me to the Holy Pool.

Cass: Doubtless for his own purposes.

DM: I saw so much in that pool, Cass. So much that I told him of--so much I kept to myself.

Cass: What did you keep to yourself?

(Laughing wildly, takes her)

DM: (Lightning) IT DIDN'T WORK!!!!!! HHAAAAAAHAHAhhhhaaaaaaa


4

(We see Kronos, standing tall over all the bodies)

Kronos: I win.

(As though listening to someone)

Kronos: I Win.

(Again)

K: I won, damn you!

(Again)

K: NOOOOOO!!!! I WOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!

(Three weeks later, at MacLeod's Loft)

Rich: Mac, you and I have a score to sett....?

(We see a casually dressed Kronos, cooking up a quick omelet; When he speaks, his Continental accent is replaced by a more Celtic one)

Kronos?: Rich, sit down. There's a lot to explain.


5

1996

(Kronos is the last standing at the Submarine base)

Kronos: Traitors, victims, fools, madmen and heroes! None were enough to take The Master Of The Night!!!! Given money and skill, I can rise to any occasion!

ELECTION 2000

Kronos: (Speaking with a feigned Middle-American dialect) Together with you, I, Your President-Elect (Kisses The Briefcase with the nuclear codes) Shall Restore The World!!!!

(They chant his name)


Darkest Ending

K: Macleod?

DM: Yes, Kronos?

K: Got a match?

DM: Nope. Methos?

Meth: Uh-uh.

Cass: Me either.

Kronos: !%$&&*(( ELECTRIC POWER AUTHORITY!!!!!


The Making Of
--------------------------------------------------

(We see DM come out in front of the sub base set)

DM: Hi. Welcome to The Making of CAH/Rev. I'm your host, Duncan MacLeod. A lot of you out there seem to think that putting together an epic saga like this one is child's play. But nothing could be further from the truth.

(We see some poor schmoe kneeled before Old West Kronos)

PS: Koren, please, I toldja where I hid all the money!

K: (Sword comes down, we see blood spatter) Just one more withdrawal, my boy.

DM: Now, some of you may think: Big deal, so they killed another schmoe who cooperated with the Kimmie. Ooh, how original! But in fact, we didn't kill him.

K: (Walks up) That's right, Duncan. Bcause on TV, nothing looks more fake than real blood.

DM: And don't think that we can just run down to Sev for a Cherry Slurpee.

(Scene with DM and the Four throwing paint, syrup, cherry juice, etc, against a white wall)

DM: We had to go through over one hundred TV blood substitutes, just to find the one type that made that scene perfect. After all, if Kronos offed that fool and it looked fake--we could lose the whole episode.

K: And the day hardly ends there.

DM: I wish. Next comes the critical scene where Kronos confronts Methos for the first time in millennia.

K: (Stabs Methos) Hello, Brother!

DM: Cut!! Kronos, what the hell kind of knife is that?

K: Bowie.

(Methos writhes in agony)

DM: I don't see you using this.

(Pulls knife out)

M: Aaarghh!!!

DM: Here, try this Kali-looking one. Places!!

K: Hello Brother!

(Stabs him; Shakes his head, and pulls it out)

M: Aahhhaahh!!

K: No, it's just not me.

(We see a huge pile of bloody knives)

DM: The day went on and on. Methos was a bit unprofessional. At one point, he took nearly an hour to revive.

K: Here is my private collection of Duncan's heads. That's right--plural. I need to keep A LOT of these plaster casts around! Why, you ask?

DM: Simple. If we're in a Horsemen-oriented fanfic, guess whose ponytail tends to get trimmed?

K: Hint, Hint!

DM: Another Horseman is big, dumb Silas. Right? WRONG!!!

(We see a very serious looking Silas, gesturing toward the monkey cage set)

Silas: The relationship between my character and the monkeys is a critical one. A lot rides on the sympathy that briefly takes over Methos' eyes when I ask if I can keep one.

M: I just kind of rolled my eyes, is all.

DM: Now, Caspian has not been a full-time Horseman for some years, now.

K: That's right, Duncan. He's grown far too ruthless to be trusted. He's now completely demented. Watch this.

(We see a courtroom, and Caspian is giving closing arguments)

Caspian: So, in conclusion, Let me say that there is no evidence at all linking tobacco use with cancer. None at all.

K: Scary stuff. But he came through for these episodes. A real trooper

DM: That's it for this special look into the making of CAH/Rev. Next time any of you write in, saying how easy HL:TS is to make, just remember:

K: We can always make more of these lame SPFX specials.

DM: (Grim look) And next time, we get Mark Hamill to host.

K: He's not bluffing, you know! He'll do it.

(Closing credits)

K: I AM SOUR CREAM AND CHIVES!!!

(CUT)

K: SUPPORT THE MARCH OF DIMES!!!

(DM laughs)

(CUT)

K: GOTTA CATCH EM' ALL!!!

(Methos shakes his head)

K: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY AND TIME!!!

DM: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SCARBOROUGH FAIR!!

(All laugh, Cass raises her skirt, giggles, credits end with DM looking at ponytailed plaster head)

DM: Alas, poor Duncan. I knew me well!

(Tosses it over shoulder)

DM: HIKE!!