one night I was sitting at home casually minding my own business when Eurovisin came on. Being a raging homosexual I had to watch it because otherwise I would have my gay card removed (I don't make these rules but they are rules ok and if you are gay too you better watch it otherwise the government will come for you and lock you up or some shit like that). My favourite part of watching eurovision is keeping an eye out for all those hot and tasty fellas on the TV screen. This year was not a disappointment.
All those people with fantasies about Måns Zelmerlöw need to get their eyes checked because when song five came on and the beautiful sex bomb Alex Larke came onto my TV screen I almost ejaculated then and there right in my own pants! I am not even kidding. He is so very dreamy and throughout the whole performance I fantasised that I could be Bianca up there and with him but it's probably for the best that I wasn't because otherwise I wouldn't have controlled my urges and I would have ripped his clothes off right then and there whilst he was singing and then it would have been the Eurovision Porn Contest instead hahahahahaah.
Being so turned on by his song I made my mother drive me to terminal five of heathrow and I left right then and there for Vienna so I could meet him after the contest had finished. I was in tears for the whole flight anticipating what was going to happen.
I arrived in Vienna just as the show was ending when I spotted Alex and Bianca leaving the arena looking somewhat disappointed with their result. Seizing the opportunity I pulled out a colt revolver and shot Bianca so that she would be out of the picture and one less obstacle to deal with in my quest to swoon Alex Larke. Understandably shocked, he looked at her dead corpse on the ground and then looked at me smiling and winking in his direction before asking me "why did you do that" I responded by saying "I love you Alex. I was scared that bitch was going to come between us" to which he responded "ok" and then I told him I was coming back with him to his hotel whether he liked it or not but he didn't seem too bothered and let me come with him.
The whole taxi ride back to his hotel we made out in the back seat. The taxi driver was a fucking homophobe because he told us to "calm it down". When we arrived at the hotel, I shot him with the same gun that I used to shoot Bianca.
Inside the hotel room I started undressing Alex. To my surprise he was wearing a leopard print g-string which I quickly removed to reveal the biggest cock I had ever seen in my life! It was massive. I got down on my knees and looked up at him before saying "looking good sugar!" He giggled and then told me to stop talking and start sucking. I gave him the best blowjob of his lifetime because it didn't take long for him to start orgasming. Alex let out a loud Skiddy-beep-bop-doo… Dee-dee-dee. Cum oozed out of his throbbing cock and I looked up at him disappointed. The whole ordeal lasted about two minutes and I was thoroughly unimpressed. Channelling my inner Trintje I said "why-ai-ai-ai?" Then I pulled out my gun and shot him too before looking at his dead body and saying "you deserved 0 points fucker. I got dressed and left the hotel.
When I got back to London I stopped by the BBC and had a stern word with them about how everything about their effort this year was a disappointment. Then I shot them all.
The end.
