Chapter 1: Love, Life & Meaning
DISCLAIMER: Twilight and all its characters are the brainchildren of Stephenie Meyer – I'm just playing with them.
A/N: All bolded text indicates a direct quote from the Twilight Saga, which I have included to amp up the authenticity of this story. Quotes are not necessarily in chronological order, and there is no indicator as to when one quote stops and another starts when quotes are mixed.
This story picks up on page 51 of New Moon.
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you not to ignore my birthday?" I asked quickly, hoping it wasn't too clear that I was trying to distract him.
"Yes," he agreed, wary.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
"You're greedy tonight."
"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," I added, piqued.
He laughed, and then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," he said in a strangely desperate tone as he put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up to his.
The kiss began much the same as usual - Edward was careful as ever, and my heart began to overreact like it always did. And then something seemed to change. Suddenly his lips became much more urgent, his free hand twisted into my hair and held my face securely to his. And, though my hands tangled in his hair, too, and though I was clearly beginning to cross his cautious lines, for once he didn't stop me. His body was cold through the thin quilt, but I crushed myself against him eagerly.
I was sure that he would pull away soon, saying something about how my life had been risked enough for today. I pressed my body harder against him, and deepened the kiss before it was over.
But it didn't end. He responded enthusiastically, and kissed me with more passion than he had ever allowed himself to express with me.
Finally, I had to break away, gasping, and collapsed back onto my pillow, my head spinning. Edward didn't give me the chance to recover. He pressed his lips once again to mine, both his breathing and his touches slightly rougher now. He moved one of his hands from my hair to the small of my back, pressing me closer to him, and I felt him shudder the tiniest bit. I kissed him back as my heart pounded out a jagged, disjointed rhythm, feeling his marble body against every line of mine.
Edward slipped his hand under the edge of my tank top, trailing his fingers lightly along my back. He seemed less guarded than usual, his mouth cold and urgent on mine. Cold as ice, his tongue lightly traced the shape of my lips.
"Did you change your mind?" I asked breathlessly.
"It is your birthday," he murmured, and he kissed me again.
I started to get dizzy by the time he pulled back abruptly, but he didn't disentangle himself from my arms. Instead, he looked into my eyes and asked in a quiet, husky voice, "Do you want me to stop?"
I was shocked that he was even considering what I thought he was considering, but I wasn't going to stop him. I couldn't remember how to speak, so I just shook my head and pressed my lips to his again.
"Bella," he breathed. His voice seemed strained. "You need to say it."
I pulled back to look into his eyes. They were dark. His cool fingertips gently pressed into my skin as he traced back and forth over my stomach. "Don't stop," I whispered back. As he swiftly pulled my shirt over my head, I knew that there would be no turning back tonight.
The next morning I knew something was wrong. The second I woke up, Edward left, saying, "I'll see you at school." But he didn't leave before I noticed that his expression was all wrong.
I was afraid of the time I'd spent unconscious, afraid he might have been thinking of right and wrong again while he watched me sleep, afraid that he regretted what had happened last night. Anxiety seemed to ratchet up the intensity of the pounding in my head.
I got up, took a shower, and worried all the while that Edward was wallowing in some sort of misplaced angst. I noted vaguely that there was a small amount of dried blood on my thighs, and wondered how difficult it had been for him.
Edward was waiting for me at school, as usual, but his face was still wrong. There was something buried in his eyes that I couldn't be sure of, and it scared me. I didn't want to bring up last night - I was afraid of what he'd say - but I wasn't sure if avoiding the subject would be worse.
We walked in silence, he shortening his stride to match mine. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but most of those questions would have to wait, because they were for Alice: How was Jasper this morning? What had they said when I was gone? What had Rosalie said? And most importantly, what could she see happening now in her strange, imperfect visions of the future? Could she guess what Edward was thinking, why he was so gloomy? Was there a foundation for the tenuous, instinctive fears I could not seem to shake?
The morning passed slowly. Alice usually beat us to lunch; she didn't have to keep pace with a sloth like me. But she wasn't at the table, waiting with a tray of food she wouldn't eat.
Edward didn't say anything about her absence. I wondered to myself if her class was running late - until I saw Conner and Ben, who were in her fourth hour French class.
"Where's Alice?" I asked Edward anxiously.
He looked at the granola bar he was slowly pulverizing between his fingertips while he answered. "She's with Jasper."
"Is he okay?"
"He's gone away for a while."
"What? Where?"
Edward shrugged. "Nowhere in particular."
"And Alice, too," I said with quiet desperation. Of course, if Jasper needed her, she would go. I swallowed, trying to dislodge the sudden lump in my throat. The guilt made my head bow and my shoulders slump. I'd run them out of their home, just like Rosalie and Emmett. I was a plague.
Edward said nothing in response.
As he walked my silently to my truck at the end of the day, I asked, "You'll come over later tonight?" He always came over.
"Later?" He seemed surprised.
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."
"Oh," he murmured.
"So you'll come over when I'm home though, right?" I hated that I suddenly felt unsure about this.
"Not tonight."
I didn't think so.
I put my camera in my school bag before I left the next morning, having decided to make taking pictures my little project until Edward got over things.
When I got to school, it was apparent that he still hadn't gotten over it, and his detachment scared me.
Along with the fear, I was beginning to feel impatience. How long could this last?
It lasted through the morning. He walked silently beside me, never seeming to actually look at me. I tried to concentrate on my classes, but not even English could hold my attention. Mr. Berty had to repeat his question about Lady Capulet twice before I realized he was talking to me. Edward whispered the correct answer under his breath and then went back to ignoring me.
At lunch, the silence continued. I felt like I was going to start screaming, so I got out my camera and took a shot of Edward across from me. I was hoping to surprise him, maybe even force a little emotion out of him, but of course he saw it coming. I gave up with a sigh and leaned across the table's invisible line and spoke to Jessica.
"Hey, Jess?"
"What's up, Bella?"
"Could you do me a favor?" I asked. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everyone, okay?" I handed her the camera.
"Sure," she said, grinning, and turned to snap a candid shot of Mike with his mouth full.
"Uh-oh," Jessica said apologetically as she returned the camera. "I think we used all your film."
"That's fine - that's why I gave it to you."
Walking to my truck, Edward asked me, "Do you mind if I come over today?"
"Of course not."
He nodded, and walked over to his car. He beat me home, and was parked in Charlie's spot when I pulled in front of the house. That was a bad sign. He didn't plan to stay, then. I shook my head and took a deep breath, trying to locate some courage.
"Come for a walk with me," he suggested in an unemotional voice, taking my hand.
I didn't answer. I couldn't think of a way to protest, but I instantly knew that I wanted to. I didn't like this. This is bad, this is very bad, the voice in my head repeated again and again.
We had only gone a few steps into the trees when he stopped. We were barely on the trail - I could still see the house.
Some walk.
Edward leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.
"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than I felt.
He took a deep breath.
"Bella, we're leaving."
I took a deep breath, too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask.
"Why now? Another year -"
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over regardless."
His answer confused me. I thought the point of leaving was to let his family live in peace. Why did we have to leave if they were going? I stared at him, trying to understand what he meant.
He stared back coldly.
With a roll of nausea, I realized I'd misunderstood.
"When you say we-," I whispered.
"I mean my family and myself." Each word separate and distinct.
I shook my head back and forth mechanically, trying to clear it. He waited without any sign of impatience. It took a few minutes before I could speak.
"Okay," I said. "I'll come with you."
"You can't, Bella. Where we're going... It's not the right pace for you."
"Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you, Bella."
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
"My world is not for you."
My head spun, trying to understand what made him look and act this way - what happened with Jasper just didn't seem that important after what we shared the other night. But my intuition told me that I was on to something, that Edward was wallowing on my disastrous birthday party.
"What happened with Jasper - that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"
"You're right," he agreed. "It was exactly what was to be expected."
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," he interrupted to correct me.
"This is about my soul, isn't it?" I asked, accusing, but it still sounded like a plea. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you - it's yours already! You have all of me, Edward, especially after what we shared! You should know that." I whispered the last part.
He took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment. His mouth twisted the tiniest bit. When he finally looked up, his eyes were different, harder - like the liquid gold had frozen solid.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.
There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.
"You... don't... want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order
"No."
I stared, uncomprehending, into his eyes. He stared back without apology. His eyes were like topaz - hard and clear and very deep. I felt like I could see into them for miles and miles, yet nowhere in their bottomless depths could I see a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.
He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face werenot human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
I didn't know which thing he was referring to, but right then it didn't matter. Awareness began to seep through me, trickling like acid through my veins. "Don't." My voice was just a whisper now. "Don't do this." But I could see that it was far too late - he already had. I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion. I tried again.
"If... that's what you want."
He nodded once, and my whole body went numb - I couldn't feel anything below the neck.
As I watched, his frozen eyes melted. The gold became liquid again, molten, burning down into mine with an intensity that was overwhelming.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered, no longer detached. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I nodded helplessly.
His eyes cooled, the distance returned. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself - for him."
I nodded again. "I will," I whispered.
"And I'll make you one promise in return," he said. "I promise that this will be that last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." He smiled gently. "Don't worry. You're human - your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." He took a step away from me. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
The plural caught my attention. That surprised me; I would have thought I was beyond noticing anything.
"Alice is gone?" My voice blank with disbelief.
"Yes. She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you. In fact, they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
I was dizzy; it was hard to concentrate. His words swirled around in my head, and I heard the doctor at the hospital in Phoenix, last spring, as he showed me the X-rays. You can see it's a clean break, his finger traced along the picture of my severed bone. That's good. It will heal more easily, more quickly.
I tried to breathe normally. I needed to concentrate, to find a way out of this nightmare.
"Goodbye, Bella," he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice. He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant. My eyes closed.
"Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin.
There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage.
He was gone.
Love, life, meaning... over.
I stumbled forward a few steps with shaky legs, the only thought in my mind to keep looking for him. Because if I stopped looking for him, it was over. I tripped on a root and fell, and I couldn't bring myself to get up again. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. I fainted, but even in unconsciousness, the pain was there, refusing to be ignored.
When I regained consciousness, it was dark - no, it was black. Was it always so dark here at night? Surely, as a rule, some little bit on moonlight would filter down through the clouds, through the chinks in the canopy of trees, and find the ground.
Not tonight. Perhaps there was no moon tonight - a lunar eclipse, a new moon.
A new moon. I shivered, though I wasn't cold. I was on the edge of unconsciousness again when I heard someone shouting my name. I couldn't stay conscious long enough to answer.
This chapter was updated on 06/17/2015.
A/N: A while ago I started the process of reworking this story with my beta, rchllve. She has been invaluable, and I truly couldn't have begun to tackle this without her. She's a great writer, so check out her story Three Days!
~chattgirl4
