Ickiakki: Remember, this is my first FMA fic. Also, for those of you waiting for me to update my SSBM fic, I will. Some time at the end of September.
Envy: Yay! This fic is about me! And not Lust or Wrath!
Ickiakki: Remember, Envy is not my favorite character... Lust and Wrath are.
Lust: Remember Envy, her putting you in a fic makes you liable to abuse.
Ickiakki: Exactly.
Wrath: Read me a story. -sits on Ickiakki's lap-
Ickiakki: -instead of pushing Wrath off, pats him on the back- Don't worry! I'll tell you a story about your friend Envy.
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. Or Ebay. What, you were expecting some spectacular disclaimer? Fat chance.
"Road Rage"
Chapter One
Lust sat down to breakfast that morning with the other Homunculi. Something was not right. Of course, it had always occured to her that none of the homunculi were right in the head, but that was different. They were always "not right" in that sense. She made an attempt to count the homunculi despite all the noise.
"I can't believe it. Somebody stole my shades," Greed grumbled.
"Well, maybe a fangirl took it," Sloth suggested, of course, boredly.
"Ah, but a fangirl did take it," Pride replied, smiling at his own all-knowing power.
"Oh yeah, who?" Greed asked, trying to make Pride look like a fool. Not a very good idea...
"Nikyoyuyokunyuko" Pride smirked.
"Nika... Nuki... Naki... Nene... Tsu-" as Greed stumbled over her name, Pride cut him off.
"She is attempting to sell it over Ebay. I suggest you bid for it before fangirls bid too high. Then you'll never get them back," Pride grumbled.
"I'll do anything to get my precious shades back!" Greed gasped.
"Then just go look on Ebay," Pride sighed.
Reluctantly, Greed took Pride's suggestion and went on the computer to search for his precious glasses. As Greed went into the computer room, he found Wrath playing computer games against Gluttony. Gluttony was very hungry, and wanted to go eat breakfast. Apparently, Wrath was holding him hostage and wouldn't let Gluttony leave. So, Gluttony did the next best thing and began chewing on the mouse.
"Agh! Get off the computer Wrath!" Greed bellowed.
"You be nice!" Wrath hissed. "Well, just for that, I'm not gonna get off. But, Gluttony doesn't seem to want to go on the computer, so you can use his mouse."
Gluttony then stopped chewing on the mouse, pulled it out of his mouth, and siliently offered it to Greed. Then, to add encouragement, Gluttony smiled a horrific grin that reached from ear to ear.
Used to Gluttony's psychotic grins, Greed just replied, "Ewww! I don't want to use that mouse!" Greed waved his arms frantically in the air.
Wrath smiled mischeiviously while Greed flailed his arms and said, "Well, remember, I'm not gonna let you use my mouse. You either use Gluttony's, or wait your turn."
Lust, siliently watching Greed's little escapade, then remembered who was missing. Envy! She had not seen him yet. She wondered what he could be up to.
In town, a loud, eardrum-shattering yell could be heard. Accompanied by a loud feminine scream. Soon, a red convertible could be seen, apparently driven by a reckless driver. A reckless student driver. Then, a red convertible appeared in the streets, after it had jumped over a truck. Then, the car consisted to bash into many of the things on the side of the street, and it seemed that the student didn't know that cars were not supposed to be on the sidewalk.
"How am I doing, teach?" the student driver asked. The student appeared to be a young woman-Err, I mean crossdressing man - with messy, dark greenish hair. Hooting and hollering, the student continued to rampage.
The teacher appeared to be a young lady about thirty, who didn't answer her student's question. She was one of those people who didn't like action, wanted some money, and found a job teaching students how to drive. She never thought there would be a student like this. Well, that's what you get for not being prepared.
"STOP! You're going to hit a senior citizen!" the driving teacher screamed as she saw an old lady walking across the street, when the light was clearly red. Apparently, Envy had not studied, and did not know that a red light meant to stop.
"What? You mean like, an old lady?" Envy hollered over the noise, looking away from the traffic. The car sped on, almost hitting the old lady, before a nearby policeman ran and shoved the lady out of the way.
"I don't see no lady on the street," Envy grumbled as he unintentionally ran over an an orange cart.
"Oh sh!t!" Envy yelled in exasperation.
The teachers eyes were closed, and as she said her last prayers, she heard a screeching noise, followed by an odd noise that sounded like claws scratching a deep into metal, like metal the metal was hollering in anguish. She curiously opened one eye. It seemed that the screeching noise was that of Envy turning the car, and the clawlike noise was the car getting scratched at the side.
Apparently, the turn had made Envy go into a residential area, and there were some children playing ball on the street. The teacher shrieked once again, but before Envy could swear, the car halted. Envy gave the children an uncharacteristic smile while they ran away in fear. Apparently, there was some kindness in that guy's cold heart. Or maybe he was smiling at their fear. Hm, probably the second one.
He and the driving teacher went through various similiar escapades, and finally, the driving institute was in sight.
(A/N: I want to tell you that this takes place behind the scenes. Ya know, he has fangirls and stuff. Yeah, that kind of thing.)
The driving instructor saw the driving institute, and to her, a heavenly light shone upon the building.
"Park! There!" the driving instructor pointed in glee at the driving institute.
"Whatever you say, teach," Envy said, going through a fence, and finally stopping the rampaging vehicle. After it had crashed into a wall. The driving instructor fell out of the car, and literally kissed the ground, murmuring words of praise.
"Lay my grade on me, teach!" Envy said grinning with open arms.
The driving instructor then glared at Envy, like a tormented, angry, frothing (Yes, she was literally frothing.) wolf would an enemy. She stomped over to Envy (who's eyes are closed by the way), ripped off his headband, and stamped a big, fat, red "F" on his forehead. The impact caused Envy to fall on the ground, in shock.
The driving instructor then ripped off her name tag, which said "Felicia" on it, and screamed, "I QUIT!" in the most gruff, angered voice any woman could use. It should have been put in a record book.
Disheartened and abandoned,(What the f? Who the heck added that in the script! Envy whistles innocently), Envy gloomily looked at anotther student driver. Another female instructor (Who appeared to be about 50 or so...) with a gruff, mean attitude said, "You get an A! I'll give you your license right after I go to the bathroom!"
(A/N: What a convenient time for her to go to the bathroom, no?)
Envy stared enviously at the other student, who appeared to be a blonde nerd, judging by his pocket protector. Then, Envy had an idea. An evil idea. He creeped up behind the nerd like a silient lioness(That was intended. Envy looks like a girl, and it is a fact that the lioness hunts more. /), and then pounced upon the poor innocent nerd, who got what was coming to him-I mean, got what he was undeserving of.
(Envy: Aren't I awesome? D
I/A: NO! Where the heck are Wrath and Lust!
Wrath: I'm right here. I'm still on your lap.)
Then, Envy morphed into a spitting imitation of the nerd, and sat inside the car. As soon as the lady came back, she presented him with a driver's liscense. What? Do I have to explain it in detail for you?
As the Envy opened the door, he saw Lust sitting in the hallway, and gave her an evil, possibly hinting at "getting together", look.
"Look at me like that again, Envy, and I'll slap you," she grumbled as a stunned Envy stood in the doorway. She noticed the mark on Envy's forehead. "Envy, why is there a big red 'F' on your forehead? And where's your headband?"
Envy felt a blush of embarassment creep over his face, and he touched his forehead in disbelief. His headband! He must've forgot to put it back on after the former driving instructor took it off! Then, Envy started howling, bawling, and screaming like an angry child. An angry half wolf child.
"Envy!" Lust called after him.
"Yeah?" Envy stopped almost as if Lust had had finally said that he was hot, which he was hoping. (Envy, you are the most disturbed person ever!)
"Why were you blushing?"
Envy did not answer her, and continued to throw his fit because she had not told him what he wanted to hear.
Greed hit his head against the soft, comforting, pain bringing wall of doom. I meant the wall. Wrath's maniacal cackle was something Envy could be proud of (Have you seen the last episode of FMA?), and poor Gluttony's hunger was eating away at him severely.
"Gluttony, you're free to go," Wrath replied. After six hours, he was finally feeling sorry for the guy. Gluttony gleefully went outside the room, and Wrath followed him. Greed squealed like one of his own fangirls (Yes, he does have fangirls. No, not me, he looks like a pimp.)
Ickiakki- The space is the dividing line. Deal with it.
Wrath- That was a nice story! May I pweeeeaaaase sit on your lap a bit longer? puppy eyes
Ickiakki- Aww, don't worry Wrath! The story isn't over yet. Of course you can sit on my lap more!
Lust: Ah, Wrath does not seem to know of the violent gangster's- I mean authoress'- true nature.
Envy- Tell me about it.
