The Journal of Marth
By Tactics Ninja
Disclaimer: The author does not own the characters contained within this fanfic. They are being tortured for amusement purposes only, not for money.
Author's Notes: This fic is purely humor; if there's any mention of romance, it'll be in passing, and pairings may change based on situations. I promise I won't have any really serious pairings in here.
-~-
Thursday, December 19th, 12:00 PM.
WELL, Journal.
That is all I have to say at the moment.
12:03 PM.
On second thought, maybe not. I'd better explain what happened before I start trying to tell it to Link and get shouted at (in Hylian) for talking in Japanese. Blast it.
Back to the topic at hand. Today, Roy and I were fighting Bowser and Ganondorf in Hyrule Temple. I'd executed a few slashes when Bowser caught me, grabbed me, and snapped off my best breastplate! HE SWALLOWED IT WHOLE! Mario just laughed and said "Ah-well-ah, I guess-ah that's the way-ah the cookie ah-crumbles."
I punched him then and stalked off. Roy said that probably wasn't a smart move. I DON'T CARE!
4:07 PM.
After intensive stalking observation, I have discovered that Bowser is incredibly stupid! Not only can he not even walk a straight line without swaggering, but he also thinks that good humor is "Hey look, Peach's dress is pink Only five people laughed--himself, Ganondorf, who laughs to make 'evil look good', or something else illogical like that, DK, who wasn't really listening, I'll give him credit for that one, and Pichu and Pikachu, who explained later that 'Hey look, Peach's dress is pink today!' is actually some sort of unbelievably crude and hilarious sexual invitation in an outmoded form of Pokémonese that no Pokémon speak anymore.
Some days I wish I were a Pokémon; it sounds like it would have been funny to hear.
7:12 PM
Link and Young Link (Chibi-Link!) are back. Roy isn't; he's probably off eating still. He's a hog; I keep telling him that's why he's so much slower than I am. He always retorts with 'Oh yeah, well who has fire attacks, huh?!' and I say to him, 'Before you saw Dilandau on Escaflowne and he became your new role model, you didn't either.' That always shuts him up pretty quick.
Chibi-Link is doing his best to destroy my collection of rare and expensive Medieval-era action figures. One moment.
7:15 PM
Succeeded in stopping Chibi-Link. Tied him to a chair with his own jump rope. Ha! That ought to teach him to stuff my action figures into empty milk bottles and make little screaming noise.
I think Link's got the right idea here--he suggested sneaking up behind Bowser and ramming my sword…well, I'm sure you get the picture. He even hit me on the back a few times and offered to help. Provide a diversion. I'm not sure how he'd do that unless he managed to come up with fifty freshly butchered deer carcasses, or an attractive female koopa. I'm not sure how one would tell the difference anyway.
7:53 PM
Roy's back, with news! I knew he was a good friend, he really feigned staying for extra servings of Zelda's 'Hylian Rapturous Pudding Delight' dessert (or did he? oh well, it doesn't matter now) to listen to Bowser and Ganondorf's conversation. Apparently, Bowser has horrific indigestion because of my breastplate (hah!) and he can't throw it up, no matter how much he tries (double ha, until you think about Bowser barf). However, Bowser and Ganondorf are planning to 'get back at me' for 'doing this to him' (my question: HOW DID I?! He's the one that swallowed it!) and might call a battle at any time of day or night. Probably night, knowing them, they're that nasty.
Mario is also a little peeved that I punched him, and he's called for a battle. Rats. Have to go for now.
9:00 PM
Battle's over, I beat Mario fair and square, and he even admitted that he was a bit glib about the breastplate bit and they'll reimburse me. Good man, Mario.
I'm now playing poker with both Links and Roy. I haven't won a single game, Roy's won a few, and the Links are alternately winning left and right. I honestly am starting to believe that they're cheating. Or that Hylians are unbelievably lucky. That might be it; they have to have a reason to have those ridiculous ears. 'To hear the words of the gods more clearly', hah, what a laugh! That's so cliché. Unbelievable poker luck sounds about right though.
Roy's suggesting we pop down to the kitchens to get some poker snacks. I'll be back shortly.
9:06 PM
News! We nearly ran into Bowser on the way there. Apparently he's starting to feel ill. After returning with drinks and chips, we started plotting. We've come up with this plot:
Roy and I will take on Bowser and Ganondorf in a team battle tomorrow in Hyrule Temple. We'll do our best to beat the snot out of Bowser, even if I don't get my breastplate back. I'm kind of wanting to leave it in there now, especially since I have cash to buy a new one (even though I don't really NEED a new one, I have at least five) and it's causing Bowser considerable upset. This can only end well!
For now, it's back to poker, though I'll be sure and give you a blow-by-blow recount of the battle tomorrow, as well as I remember it.
-~-
Will Marth and Roy win their match? Will Bowser ever cough up that breastplate? And do those ears really give Hylians unbelievably good luck in poker? Find out whenever Marth decides to write in his journal again. Well, maybe.
