Hey this fire, this fire
I'm burning us up


Things had been going infinitely better for Ikkaku ever since that little freezer incident. Who knew that skipping work to masturbate and then being coerced into assaulting a co-worker would turn out so good for him.

Said co-worker was still an enigma. He was acting closer to how he had when they'd first met, i.e., when Ikkaku had had goo-goo eyes for him and had been following him like a puppy. At the time, Yumichika had acted like a caring friend and flirted quite a bit.

Now however, he was a mix between that person and the person he'd been after Ikkaku's confession, which made him this weird blend of sour and sweet. Ikkaku wasn't quite sure if he liked the taste yet – honestly he wasn't. Mostly, because he couldn't frickin' figure out what it was exactly, like lemonade that was just a tad too sour. He couldn't figure the little idiot out.

There he was in the break-room again, chewing that deliciously pink-bubble gum. Sure, it wasn't Ikkaku's lunch-break right now, but it was Yumichika's, and even if he'd get in trouble for it, Ikkaku just felt like picking on him for a minute or so before getting back out of here.

He'd just come for a bottled-water from the fridge, right? It was fine.

"Ahn, someone needs a bath," Yumichika piped up, face brightening right up when he saw Ikkaku for one little moment before he fell back into that snarky veneer. Ikkaku still caught it, seeing how Yumichika's eyes didn't go back to his magazine even though he was turning the pages.

"Yeah? You forget to take one last night?"

"I meant you, you animal," Yumichika said with a snort, and it was a snort, even if the little shit thought he was too pretty for that.

"I know what you meant," Ikkaku mumbled, coming around the side of the table and pecking him on the cheek. Yumichika half-heartedly dodged, but let him land a kiss on his face. Ikkaku grinned and pulled his earlobe once with his fingers before going to the fridge and letting the cold air blast him, fanning out his shirt a few times until Yumichika started telling him not to stink up the room.

"Fine, fine," Ikkaku agreed, sat down at the table with a water, and downed half of it in one go, grinning when Yumichika slid his foot around his under the table but otherwise ignored him. "You playing footsie with me?" Yumichika kicked him pretty damn hard. "Ooh, easy. I'm sore."

"Shh, I'm reading about supernovas," Yumichika said with an uncharacteristic gentleness, caressing the page once and smiling softly. "Look," he said, showing him the two-page spread, "Isn't that beautiful?" He smiled eagerly, head tilting to the side as he waited for Ikkaku's opinion.

Ikkaku wiped his forehead. "Looks like a bunch of dots," he said with a shrug. Yumichika made a noncommittal noise, going back to reading and rubbing Ikkaku's ankle with his socked-foot. Ikkaku let out a content sigh, getting comfortable. He had probably five minutes before he was in danger of getting yelled at.

Yumichika blew another bubble, letting it pop before he pulled the gum back into his mouth, giving Ikkaku just a little glimpse of his tongue. Oblivious to his audience – or perhaps just that smooth about it – Yumichika continued to read and chew his gum, occasionally blowing a bubble or two. Ikkaku didn't think he'd seen anyone actually blow a bubble since like middle school.

Yumichika rubbed his leg with his toes absently, and Ikkaku leaned his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his palm as he took another sip of water. It was really sad, but they hadn't been able to spend time in silence together since before Ikkaku's initial confession and Yumichika's transformation into – or perhaps, his reveal as a jerk. All of that time they could've spent enjoying each other's company had been wasted arguing. Sure, they still argued a lot now that they were together, but it was much more subdued.

When it came down to it, Yumichika was a really sweet person. Sure, he was a complete asshole and literally the most annoying, infuriating, little shit Ikkaku had ever met, but even though he was still being mean, Yumichika had been really nice to him ever since they'd been locked in that freezer together.

Since they'd started dating.

Maybe it was something about hearing out loud that Ikkaku would love him even if he was such a cruel little bastard. Maybe he'd needed to hear that it was okay, that he didn't need to change himself and that he could be who he was without worrying. Now that Yumichika didn't have to scare him away or be defensive because of that, he was only half as much of a jerk as before. Ikkaku didn't feel the need to guard against the insults or feel hurt or offended anymore either, and so things were a lot smoother than before. Instead of responding with 'well, fuck you too,' usually Ikkaku responded to things like that with a kiss or an affectionate head-butt to the shoulder.

Still, it fucking confused him, because Ikkaku didn't really know how to act around this guy. He was a pretty flower, but with sharp stems, pointy leaves, poisonous spores, and the smell was overpowering. Basically, there were a lot of flaws, but god, was he pretty. Not to say that Ikkaku only liked him because of that, but a lot of the time, that was why Ikkaku forgave Yumichika for his sleights. It would be a shame to fuck up such a pretty face. What a little brat, but he was his brat now.

Ikkaku was consumed by guilt more than anything, because he always came back to the fact that he'd lost control of himself and hurt Yumichika pretty badly. Sure, the guy hadn't even been limping the next day, but Ikkaku knew that he'd hurt him. He'd been really rough – why on earth was Yumichika being nice to him even though he'd done that? Was he just trying to stay on his good side so that he wouldn't do it again?

That couldn't be right. Yumichika wasn't the type of guy who would let someone yank him around. That was why he'd gotten so catty in the first place. No, maybe those words had been enough for Yumichika to forgive him? Or maybe that entire time, Yumichika had been goading him on and waiting for Ikkaku to snap, and now that he finally had… so wait, what?

Ikkaku frowned in thought. Maybe Yumichika liked that Ikkaku had finally thrown his shit-talk back in his face instead of putting up with it? And that made him mildly affectionate? Weird.

He'd lost his temper, but that had been what had made Yumichika change his mind about letting him love him. Even if that were so, Ikkaku didn't know if he ever wanted to get drunk around Yumichika… just in case he tried something like that again. They were boyfriends now and Ikkaku wasn't gonna' go around acting like that to his sweetie, not even if Yumichika provoked him like last time.

Ikkaku wasn't exactly gentle when he touched him now, but he was certainly careful. When he shoved him, he was sure to not do it hard enough to bang him into anything or knock him over. When he swatted him, he made sure not to leave a bruise. When he kissed him, he did it so quickly that nothing bad could happen accidentally. Yumichika wouldn't have time to bite him or crunch their noses together.

Thinking back on it now, they hadn't really done much since they'd had sex. Well, they had agreed that they were going steady after Ikkaku had awkwardly asked what exactly was going on between them now. They hadn't gone out yet or seen each other outside of work. They hadn't really kissed much, although that wasn't for lack of trying. They just had very little time off at the same time, since Ikkaku's schedule was different from Yumichika's.

Sometimes he could get Yumichika to sit still long enough to hug him before he left work, or they could hold hands when they were walking through the employee-warehouse. He'd let Yumichika get on his shoulders to grab something for a customer off a high-shelf even though there were ladders literally everywhere. Sometimes he could even walk him to his car and grab his butt a little before going home. Yumichika didn't even always slap him in the face for that!

They'd agreed to actually go out somewhere this weekend, and Ikkaku was excited, because that meant he was getting some. Yumichika had been giving him sex eyes for a while now, and he was so fucking ready. Unf, they were going to have a good time. Ikkaku just had to vacuum his apartment in case they went to his house to do it afterwards. He hated vacuuming, but he had to make sure his floor was clean, because they might do it on the floor, or maybe his bed, or the counter, or the couch, maybe? Whichever it ended up being, he was going to make sure this was the best sex of their lives.

Of course, Ikkaku was looking forward to the date more, because they'd already had sex – which wasn't that great – but they hadn't gone out yet. Maybe he could get some kisses outta' this. There was still so much of Yumichika's body he had to explore. That little rendezvous in the fridge had been wholly unsatisfying.

Ikkaku wanted to touch Yumichika's neck while he kissed him, he wanted to trace the shell of his ear and the line of his shoulders. He wanted to see how their hands could intertwine up close. He wanted to carry Yumichika in his arms and lay on his back with the smaller guy on top of him, to see just how much they overlapped. More than that, he wanted to run his fingers through those silky black locks. If they were anywhere near as soft and fragrant as they looked, Ikkaku would kill to press his face in there and inhale.

Yumichika didn't let him touch his hair, but Ikkaku was pretty damn determined to do so on their date tomorrow night. That was his goal. Not getting in the pants again – although that was also welcome – but touching that hair without getting put in a chokehold.

Their first date. It would be a Saturday, and it was gonna' be fucking awesome. He'd waited for this for ages.

Pop.

Ikkaku was brought out of his thoughts as Yumichika sucked his bubblegum back into his mouth again, looking at him strangely.

"What's with that stupid look on your face? I'll catch your ugly, Ikkaku," Yumichika said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah?" Ikkaku said, standing up and getting in his face, practically nose to nose with him. "Say that to my armpit! Come here!" Ikkaku nabbed him by the sleeve and started towing him in, raising his arm. Yumichika punched him in the ribs and shoved him back, and rightfully so. Ikkaku's eyes watered a little when the smell hit him – he'd worked too hard outside today. When was this blasted heatwave gonna' end? Either the heat had to stop, or they had to stop restocking so often. Damn, was he sweating.

"Heh', you got away this time, but don't let your guard down," Ikkaku said with a sneaky grin. Yumichika just had his hands on both sides of his hair as he chewed his gum wildly, eyes wide as he shook his head slowly with a flat wide mouth that was trying not to smile.

"You are just the worst, you awful man," Yumichika complained, but Ikkaku could hear the laughter in his voice and let it warm his heart as if he was professing his love.

Ikkaku grinned, leaning in and meeting him halfway for a short kiss before he left the break-room. "Get out of here, you're supposed to be working."

Ikkaku stuck out his tongue at him. "I'm just carrying boxes, geez. I can afford to take a couple minutes to visit you." Ikkaku stretched for a minute, holding his breath as he raised his arms again. "It gets boring after a while, but it's nice to be paid to work out." Ikkaku flexed and pursed his lips, staring at Yumichika for approval, only gaining an eye-roll and a swat to the bum with his magazine.

"Oh please."

The taunts of 'my-boyfriend-can't-lift' gave Ikkaku the strength to finish up his last few hours, motivated duly by proving that little shit wrong and making him proud.

He was starting to realize that when Yumichika talked trash about him, he was really doing the opposite. He was bragging about him.

Hell yeah, he could lift.


"Ichigooooo!"

"Fuck off," Ichigo said flatly, removing his foot from Keigo's face and walking by with Renji at his heels. Geez, it was like every time he saw the dude, he was doing some weird overdramatic shit all over the place. It wasn't like Ichigo genuinely was annoyed enough that he felt like beating him up, but whenever he jumped him like that, Ichigo's dad-defense reflexes kicked in. He'd spent too many years with Isshin to let something like that slide.

"Wow, Ichigo, that hardly even hurt! You're in a good mood today," Keigo chattered, shaking Mizuiro by the shoulders and excitedly saying that Ichigo was finally coming around.

"It's a motherfucking Saturday, of course I'm in a good mood." Renji got this slow creeping smile on his face, which Ichigo put an end to with a sharp glare.

'I dare you, say one fucking word about it being because I got laid last night and I will end you, Abarai.'

Renji didn't say anything, but Ichigo still turned a little red, because even if the joke hadn't been said aloud, he could still read it on Renji's face. Luckily, their friends didn't pick up on it. Thank god that it was such a hot day outside. Renji seemed to be appreciating the fact that Orihime and Rangiku were wearing spaghetti strap tank-tops a little too much. Not that Ichigo was jealous, he just wished the red-head would be a little less obvious in his staring.

'Seriously though, stop.' If he glared hard enough, Renji might get the point and cut it out, but it didn't seem to be working. Maybe if he growled? Punching him might be too direct, but…

Rukia cut in then and separated them, dragging Ichigo ahead to talk with Uryu and Chad, while Tatsuki, Orihime, Hisagi, Kira, Rangiku, Momo, and Renji hung back with Mizuiro and a heartbroken Keigo.

Ichigo was pretty confused, senses dazed and dulled. He hadn't been able to fucking think straight for a few days now. The times things seemed to make sense, he was face down on the bed with his ass in the air, and at moments like those, he was doing anything but thinking 'straight'. It just made him all the more confused afterwards. What the fuck was wrong with him?

His heart had been betraying him, and no, not in the feelings way. Whenever Renji would touch him or get close or even talk to him in a certain way, Ichigo would feel an honest-to-god palpitation, like someone wearing a Jason-mask had jumped down from the rooftop and screamed in his face. Well, to be honest, seeing Renji be sweet was pretty fucking scary. Actually, it was more unnerving than anything.

It was just annoying to be constantly pondering over their new little 'relationship' when it seemed like Renji was just perfectly calm and fine and not conflicted like Ichigo was. I mean, what on earth? Why wasn't Renji stressing out too? It wasn't like he'd 'come out' yet or something, had he? Did people know about Renji liking men already? Was that why this wasn't a big deal to him?

Geez, this was all such a mess in Ichigo's mind. It wasn't fair that he was sweating blood over something that had already happened. I mean, they'd done it. All the way, straight-up, gay, anal sex. It couldn't get more serious than that. What was Ichigo worried about now? Fucking hand-holding? Seriously?

It wasn't like the sex was horrible or something, or that he had to suffer through it. Still, there was something about imagining them engaging in a romantic kiss that made Ichigo's stomach do this funny thing. No, taking it up the ass was definitely easier than that.

He didn't exactly dislike the idea, and he wasn't about to back out of their agreement. He and Renji were… boyfriends now. God, he cringed just thinking that. It was still so weird. Sometimes when Renji would get too touchy, it was all just too overwhelming and Ichigo needed a breather. He wouldn't change his mind, but he would berate himself for his poor life choices.

If he and Renji hadn't become roommates, then maybe this-

"Kurosaki-kun, have you been to this sushi-ya before?" Inoue called to him, bouncing up next to him, yes, bouncing, which got Renji's eyes wandering again. Ichigo smiled a little, brought out of his thoughts and resolutely looking into her eyes, although it was impossible to eliminate his peripheral vision.

"Ah, no. This was Renji's dumb idea, actually. Owch, fuck!" he swore, whipping around when Rukia kicked him in the leg and said that it had been her idea. "Hey, shut up!" he shouted when Renji started laughing at him.

"Dude, it takes talent to scowl that hard without tiring out your neck. I mean, look at this," Renji said with a cocky laugh, making an exaggerated frown, pointing at a spot on his neck where the tendons were popping out.

"I'll fucking kill you!"

Rukia rolled her eyes and took Renji's arm, tugging on him a little to make him check their directions and make sure they were all walking to the right location.

"This place better be good," Uryu spoke up. Ichigo heartily agreed, calming down a little.

"We've been walking for ages."

"But that gives me a chance to talk to you about-" Keigo started up, naming an unfamiliar DVD series that Ichigo tried to pay attention to but was largely lost after he explained that they were aliens but looked like humans, but also fought other aliens that didn't look like humans, all while on a spaceship.

His thoughts drifted back to Renji who was walking on the other side of Rukia while Orihime and Keigo talked to him. He answered out of reflex and was glad that his natural personality was stern and withdrawn so that they wouldn't really notice anything was wrong with him. More of a concern was the dreamy expression he'd probably been wearing lately, and he was pretty sure they were catching on, because Keigo had noticed a little something earlier.

Renji probably thought all of this was pretty funny and was hoping the truth would come out. Ichigo was starting to think that wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't that he didn't think his friends would be supportive. He only wanted this to remain private. He just didn't understand why Renji didn't see the importance of that. Ichigo mostly just wanted a loophole to escape through should he change his mind or something. That way not everyone had to know.

He especially didn't want the girls to know. And Uryu. Uryu would have negative respect-points for him if he came out and he'd have to listen to endless 'sexual-tension' jokes every time he and Renji argued. He just wanted everyone to ignore their relationship and go on as they had, and wasn't that basically the same as them not knowing? He just hoped Renji didn't tell Rukia.

Truth be told, Ichigo did want his friends' acceptance. He just wasn't ready to share this with everyone while he was still figuring things out. What frustrated him was that Renji already seemed to have everything figured out and was completely sure of himself and what he wanted.

When they touched, Renji didn't hesitate, he never doubted, he never pulled back unless it was Ichigo who was the one hesitating. When they kissed, Renji sighed into it and held his face, he stroked his body like he was a romantic partner that he was extremely passionate for. When they were having sex, Renji was attentive and went as fast or slow as he wanted. He would face whichever way Ichigo wanted and didn't make him sit on top or ride him. He wouldn't go too hard and he whispered in his ear when he was making him orgasm. Renji's hips rolled in a smooth continuous motion and his thrusts were never choppy. He was completely sure of everything and it drove Ichigo mad. Renji had absolutely no shame and it made his head spin.

It was just that... when it had seemed like Renji just wanted a fuck-buddy, it had hurt so bad. Ichigo had been so sure that he was in love, but now... he wasn't so sure anymore.

"Hey, snap out of it," Renji said, waving his hand in front of his face for a second, causing Ichigo to jump and knock into Orihime a little. She made a little 'kyaa' noise and her hands snapped up to her sides, but Ichigo grabbed her wrist before she could topple into anyone else.

"Sorry, Inoue. You okay?" he asked in concern, seeing that she looked really shaken and was really pink in her face. Was she sick? "You don't look so good," he said, frowning, leaning in a little. She waved her hands wildly and shook her head, assuring him she was fine. Her cheeks were really red, and he supposed it was because it was so hot out here. Ichigo offered her his water-bottle.

"What gives, man?" Renji asked in mild confusion, leaning around Rukia, who was also watching him pretty close. Keigo began babbling about conspiracy theories and reminding everyone how weird Ichigo had been acting earlier. Lucky for him, no one really paid much attention. Renji looked to him briefly before his eyes flicked back to Ichigo's face. "I called your name like four times. You wonder why I punch you as a greeting."

Ichigo grumbled, "The fuck do you want, then?"

"Well, before you flipped your bricks and practically clocked Orihime, I said, 'we're almost there', since you're so concerned about this taking so long," Renji said in reply, shrugging.

"Well, pardon me for not enjoying walking next to a goddamn highway for miles," Ichigo complained, but clammed up when Renji moved to walk next to him and got down to his eye-level to accurately point out that the sushi joint was in the strip mall way up ahead. He should've been following Renji's finger to see the building, but all he could focus on were their ears brushing together just slightly, and the sweat beading on Renji's neck.

"Okay, thanks, uh," Ichigo pushed Renji out of his space, a little flustered, moving closer to Orihime in hopes that Renji would get the message. "Uh, good, yeah," he continued pointlessly, gaining a weird look from Renji.

"Yeah," Renji repeated slowly, raising an eyebrow. "Anyways… This place has got ginger that isn't so strong that you wanna' hurl. The spicy mayo isn't too hot, and… It's great. It's…" Renji gave a pleasant sigh, smiling, giving an 'aaah' gesture, "it's perfect."

"I like their spicy tuna roll," Rukia piped up. Renji shuddered, like the mere thought brought back bad memories.

"Aw, what? You guys went there without me?" Ichigo asked.

"Uh… It doesn't matter," Renji said, putting on a silly grin to appease him. "We're going there together right now, so no worries." Renji patted his shoulder to Ichigo's dismay. He moved to Orihime's other side as casually as he could, seeing Renji's expression harden into one of disappointment and resignation, but overall, hurt. Shit.

Their friends wouldn't think anything was off if either of them were irritable or pissed at each other, but quiet sadness on Renji was pretty noticeable. Ichigo had to do damage control, and fast.

"Good. I'm so starving that I could live with sitting next to you the whole time," Ichigo said just to bring him out of his mood. It worked immediately. Renji perked right up. Inoue ended up sitting next to him too.

It was a small place, really small, with only about ten stools at the bar, and four or five tables. They had to push a few together to all fit, and when the waitress came to take their order, she was the shyest, most timid, dark-haired girl Ichigo had ever seen. Her slanted eyes were meeting theirs, but her voice was soft and she could hardly make herself come all the way over to the table, hands clasped in front of her as she gave them menus. She gave a short bow before scurrying away.

Renji leaned over his shoulder a little to check out the menu even though he had his own. Ichigo could feel his breath on his ear as he pointed out certain things. Ichigo shuddered a little and tilted his head away but otherwise acted normal, even though he could hardly pay attention to what Renji was actually saying to him. He just couldn't stop replaying the feeling of his touch over and over. He wished Renji would just give him some space right now. Somehow this, whatever this was, was a little too intimate for some weird reason.

They'd had sex twice since that first time, and still, Ichigo didn't think he was ever going to get used to the after part where he'd be stuck sitting on the toilet for an hour and swearing he was never gonna' do this to himself again. He didn't think he'd ever get used to that initial thrust of Renji getting inside, or the way it felt to cum because of something other than his own hand.

He couldn't stop thinking about it. God, what had happened to his life?

It wasn't like he regretted his decision exactly to start being something official with Renji, but Ichigo was still trying to adjust to the idea.

Renji had promised not to mention any of it to their friends, not even Rukia, but Ichigo was more worried that he was gonna' give something away by blushing or clamming up at the wrong moment if someone said something weird, and then even if neither of them came out and said it, everyone might guess anyways.

Maybe he was a little ashamed of what they were, but mostly it was just that he felt this was a very private matter and didn't want anyone else's opinion interfering or influencing his own opinion while he was trying to figure this out.

The sex was good, albeit still awkward on Ichigo's end, since he was still warming up to what he was supposed to do and getting used to being looked at and touched. The sex was great, alright? It was just the inbetween-before-and-after parts that made him queasy.

Now that Renji wasn't all cocky and shit, making him feel like it was a challenge, Ichigo didn't have the motivation to 'beat' him or whatever, and by so doing, he didn't know what the fuck to do beforehand.

Foreplay made him nervous, eye-contact was awkward and forced on his end, kissing was like pulling nails, and holding hands was a definite no. After-glow cuddling made Ichigo restless and he always found himself getting up in the night and walking around aimlessly rather than returning to the bed where Renji was sleeping naked. Worse still was when intimate activities going on between them had nothing to do with sex and he didn't have any way to explain them away other than love.

He could hardly even sit next to Renji on the couch anymore or put their feet next to each other on the coffee table while they played video games. Ichigo overanalyzed every tiny bit of contact and breach of personal space. When he'd kiss Renji, he'd do it like a little kid – lips pursed, pecking once and then backing away. He'd shy away when Renji touched his hair or tried to rub his back or something. It was infuriating to have to walk on eggshells in his own house, but he found himself trying to constantly avoid the guy, which was damn near impossible since they were living together.

Ichigo wouldn't let Renji hold his hand in front of their friends, kiss his hair, call him sweet names, be nice, or hardly anything. When they'd been out cruising the mall and the skate park the other day, he'd walked next to Rukia so that Renji was on her other side, just to put some space between them. Renji was patient through all of this because Ichigo was still giving it up in bed for those couple nights, but Ichigo was starting to wonder if his patience would last.

"You're gonna' love this," Renji promised, grinning, pointing at the futomaki. Ichigo licked his lips, looking back to his face, smiling after a moment.

Would he, though? Was this change between them for the better, or had he made a terrible mistake?

When the shy girl came back, they ordered for the table, getting a plain cucumber roll, as well as salmon, spicy yellowtail, tempura calamari, rainbow, and futomaki. Sushi for days.

While they waited, Ichigo cracked his chopsticks apart and mixed some wasabi on his smaller plate, pouring soy sauce and combining it, mentioning to Renji to be sure not to use his plate on accident if he didn't want a spice-shock.

"Duly noted," Renji answered, glad for the warning, eating his miso while they waited. The restaurant was actually a pretty shady looking place, but they served the food up within five minutes, and it was good.

Getting some ginger strips on his plate, Ichigo got some of everything as the entire table shared. Renji didn't take the spicy yellowtail and steered clear of any pieces of sushi that had even touched the wasabi on the serving plates. Ichigo didn't tease, shrugging and picking up a futomaki with his chopsticks, trying to eat it one bite. Damn, it took a few tries, and he had to hold his hand in front of his mouth when he finally got it in, chewing for almost a full minute. It took almost that long to process every flavor.

Taking a breath and a break between every few pieces, Ichigo quickly cleaned his mouth with a few pieces of ginger and then kept eating. Renji's favorite was the calamari roll, which was very crunchy because of the green pepper. Sometimes the fish smell of the tuna and yellowtail got to him, along with the spiciness. "Here, you want mine? I'm stuffed," Ichigo eventually offered, letting Renji snag the last gigantic roll off of his plate. It took some serious finger strength to pick those up with chopsticks.

Finally full enough to stop eating long enough to talk, Keigo spoke up about wanting them all to go to a concert together. Sometimes Ichigo felt bad, because he knew that if he'd go to these things with Keigo, the whole group probably would, and since he almost never did, Keigo ended up being on his own, since Mizuiro didn't always indulge him. Still, he had no desire to go to these ridiculous parties or mosh pits or whatever it was that Keigo wanted them to go do on a weekly basis.

"So Ichigo, wanna' go?" Keigo asked eagerly. Renji looked up between them in thoughtful curiosity.

"Mn, I'll pass. Sounds boring."

"Wha-haat?!" Keigo sputtered, let down. "But the last time I mentioned it, you said you liked them and thought they were cool!"

"Doesn't ring a bell," Ichigo said honestly, frowning. He really needed to listen better when his friends talked, because damn if he remembered Keigo talking to him about music. Even if he tried to avoid these situations, it was still nice for them all to hang out together in a group like this like they were all still in high school.

Mizuiro saved him from Keigo's tearless sobbing by bringing up the valid point that Keigo didn't have money for tickets anyway, to which Keigo burst into renewed wails about Mizuiro selling him out.

Suddenly Renji leaned in toward Ichigo's ear, causing him to flinch back momentarily until he realized that Renji was just trying to talk to him discreetly. Ichigo stuck the side of his face out slightly to get closer, offering his ear. "Hey, speaking of, we should go on a date," Renji said lowly, grinning. "Maybe not a concert, but..."

Ichigo scoffed and gave him a look, not moving back even though they were placed pretty close now. As long as Renji didn't break the space barrier, all was fine. "What took you so long, huh?" Ichigo grumbled, "I mean, aren't you supposed to take me out to dinner at least before sleeping with me?"

Renji was a little surprised that Ichigo actually mentioned the fact that they'd done it with their friends around – even if they weren't paying attention – but it didn't show on his face. He just gave Ichigo a lazy grin and patted his back a couple times, chuckling. "Next time, Ichigo."

As they wandered home, Ichigo chatted with Chad and had a long conversation about their career paths and the future. It was all pretty scary and confusing, especially now that Ichigo couldn't focus on shit because of his muddled emotional state. Chad provided clarity as usual. 'Just do what makes you happy.'

Was he happy though? He wasn't sure. God, what did he even want? Ichigo had no idea.

He gave a lot of thought to how things were between them as Renji lazed around in the living room that night. Ichigo sat up with his textbooks at the dining table, listening to the TV channel change every so often, the ambient noise of cued laughter, game show dings, and soap opera music lulling him into a doze. Life was okay like this, really it was, but Ichigo had to figure a way how to stop feeling this way.

He didn't know if he liked the idea of being boyfriends. Things like this were fine, spending time together at a distance so that he had some space, and it was okay when Ichigo initiated things, when they were having sex, when they were chilling out, but Ichigo didn't know if he liked the idea of mushy words and kissing for reasons other than lust being in there. It made him uncomfortable and vulnerable-feeling. He knew that was the risk you took when you were in love, but he didn't like that idea.

He liked Renji, really he did, and maybe those things were so scary because of how much he actually liked them. It was too soon for him to just get used to it right away. Sometimes he really wanted to tell Renji to fuck off even though his kiss made him feel really special.

Even though he was the one who'd been so upset at the idea of being fuck-buddies, Ichigo didn't know if he wanted to be lovers either. He certainly didn't want Renji to start looking for someone else, and it wasn't like he felt like sleeping around either, but this idea of exclusively being sweethearts or something was really threatening to his pride and made him feel funny in his chest. It was a constant struggle. Why the fuck couldn't he just think straight?... There was a bad pun in there somewhere. God Damnit.

Stupid Renji, making everything so complicated. Why did that guy have to be so straight-forward and sure of what he wants? Didn't he ever feel lost and confused like Ichigo did? Why was he the only one having a crisis?

"You goin' ta' bed?" Renji called from the couch, hair loose and falling around his shoulders. Ichigo never knew how to react when he saw that, used to Renji's spiky loud hairstyle, not this soft plain one. Seeing the red hair flowing like that made it much more exotic looking, especially with those tattoos peeking through.

Sure, he'd seen this every night pretty much since they'd started rooming together, but only little glimpses, since Renji was always quick to put it back up. Since they'd started dating, though, Renji would leave it down for longer, like he trusted him more. Ichigo knew that the doofus was shy about it, that and his forehead, no matter what he said otherwise, and truth be told, Ichigo felt special to be the only one who got to see this. It was like a show of trust or something.

Still, Ichigo couldn't bring himself to return it by speaking the truth out loud. Maybe it was because he wasn't sure what the truth was right now. How did he really feel? He was so confused.

"Yeah," Ichigo replied, grabbing some popcorn out of the microwave, planning to make a hasty retreat to his bed and watch some cartoons on his phone until he fell asleep.

Renji cornered him in the hallway with a tired smile, getting close and running his hands up Ichigo's tensed arms a few times, leaning in to his face. "I'll turn in too, then." He kissed Ichigo's cheek, lingering for a minute. "Love you, Loser," he said, pulling on the hair above Ichigo's sideburn to make it less serious.

"Yeah," Ichigo acknowledged, unable to maintain eye-contact or avoid tipping his head down for a minute. It was still a little intimidating to hear that, and he honestly couldn't tell whether he liked it or not yet. He was leaning in both directions and it was pretty scary at times to see so much devotion in Renji, mostly because he didn't know if he was capable of matching it. He felt undeserving of this.

Ichigo nodded again stupidly, pretty sure that he was blushing as he listened to Renji give a soft laugh. Kicking him lightly in the ankle, Ichigo rolled his eyes and plodded down the hall, cracking his popcorn open and taking a hot handful. When he reached his door and made to slip inside, he turned around slowly, eyes wide and mouth full as he looked at Renji, who was directly behind him.

So, all three times they'd done it, they'd passed out in one of their rooms, slept in the bed, and woken up together. It was an intimate experience to say the least, since both of their beds were single-sized mattresses, meaning they had to coordinate and touch each other when they rested. More importantly, did this mean that Renji was trying to get some right now?

"Wha'u' you wam'?" Ichigo mumbled, chewing suspiciously. Renji yawned and got closer, trying to sneak through into his room with him, but Ichigo just pursed his lips and stared, saying, "My room," shortly.

"Okay," Renji said with a shrug, leaning forward to peck his nose one more time, grinning at him. Ichigo narrowed his eyes in confusion, watching him for a minute as he slowly closed the door on him, shutting it with a click. "Well, night," Renji said from the outside. Ichigo just put his ear to the door and listened as Renji stood there for a minute before going to bed and shutting himself in his own room.

Ichigo felt bad for a little while, wondering if Renji had been standing out there crushed or something, upset that he'd been cock-blocked, but to his surprise, as he sat awake, he didn't hear any masturbating noises from the next room over, and that wasn't because Renji was a quiet guy, either.

He could just barely hear snoring.

Ichigo gave the wall a deadpan stare and a wave of the hand, laying down and pulling a single sheet over himself. What a fucking dork he was dating.

Maybe he should just try to get used to it and let the idiot in. His bed was small, and the weather was still sweltering, but in that post-orgasmic bliss, bonding with his partner felt really really right. It was like they were the only two people in the world and that they'd been meant to be together and nowhere else, like their bodies had been made specifically to mold together so perfectly. It was just afterwards when the sweat cooled, when the pleasure-excuse was gone, Ichigo couldn't stand it and he'd start to squirm.

This love thing was more trouble than it was worth. He wasn't even sure if that was what he was feeling. Wasn't falling in love supposed to be this amazing warm flash of lightning that just suddenly hit you and you knew what it was? Why did he feel so confused and pained if it was supposed to be love? Maybe it was just a combination of lust and jealousy, because he didn't want Renji turning anywhere else for comfort or sex. Maybe it wasn't love or even a crush at all. What if Ichigo really was just a pervert inside and nothing more? What if he was everything he'd accused Renji of being?

Maybe he was just this horrible person who'd yanked Renji around and told him that he didn't want to date him, only to change his mind and give him hope, and then take it away again.

Ichigo furrowed his brow and pulled his sheet up around his shoulders, bunching himself up in frustration and guilt.

What a cruel indecisive bastard he was turning out to be.


So if you kiss me, if we touch,
warning's fair, I don't care
very much.