Chapter One

The Diary

'...I can never forget how we ended on such bad terms with that fight, and then he left my heart bleeding in his hands as I crumbled my photograph meant for him. It sucks how it haunts me to see him every day,' Emma writes in her bright red diary with a pen as she takes a sip of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle. She sighs and then finishes, 'he was so not who I thought he was.' She almost had half the mind to tear out the entry crumble it into the trashcan like she did that photograph.

This was how Emma spent most weeknights in the basement bedroom getting plastered and writing her thoughts in a diary. Emma's depressed about how her life went from normal to abnormal in the course of three months. By November she was single, her friendship with Manny had collapsed and her step-fathers health had took a turn for the worse leaving her family life in the wreckage. She feels underappreciated. What she doesn't say she writes. She drinks to cope with the emotional toll and fall out. She had never felt more alone.

She heard a voice call out, it was her mother's, "Emma," She called down the basement where she had been banished to since the summer. Her mother sounded tired but she was going out anyway she just knew it, "I'm going back to the hospital with Joey to see Snake. I put Jack to bed but keep an ear out on him?"

Emma put on her mask voice, the voice where she pretended everything was fine, "Alright mom, what time will you be home?"

"I don't know honey, love you."

"Love you too."

And then she was gone. Emma sighed and took another swig from the bottle, the bitterness of the taste had faded and she no longer made that face. She didn't feel a thing. Ever since Snake was diagnosed, Emma's been fading away and her grades have been slipping. While he's holding on to life, Emmas just about given up. It was more than just a break up when Sean said those words that stung her to her core and even though she just fought back in anger in the process he broke her heart.

X -

It was morning and Emma waltzed in through the halls, water bottle full of whatever was in the liquor cabinet in hand, ready for a day at Degrassi. She looked like death, hair thrown up in a ponytail, yesterday's makeup as if she had forgotten to care. She overslept. She threw on a black t shirt and a pair of black sweatpants and busted through the doors at school and once again she was late for homeroom.

The office secretary warned her, "If you get another late, you'll have a Saturday school." Whatever, who cares. She knew this wasn't like her, she lied and said it'll never happen again as she took the yellow late slip from her hands. She knew it probably would happen again. Maybe then she'd have an excuse to see him again but she knew she'd only push him away. Boy is she a glutton for punishment.

She arrived at Ms. Hatzilakos' room, just as the bell to let out homeroom rings she rolled her eyes as she saw people leaving. She retreated to her locker and from a across the hall there she saw Sean Cameron and for a split second he looked her way as he adjusted his too big for him earphones before trudging the halls to shop class which once upon a time they'd walk together.

She quickly diverted her eyes back to her locker. It still hurt her to see him and he moved on with a girl named Amy and then onto Ellie so why does she still care? It's complicated. She grabbed whatever books she needed for the morning and put the ones from last night in the locker. She looked in the mirror and sighed sardonically at her appearance she could feel the whispers behind her back about it. She took a sip from her water bottle filled with vodka. Nobody knew she was drinking and she doesn't do it to get messed up like most people her age do. It just helps her relax so she says. Since all she has is herself, she guards that secret close to her in fear that no one would understand her. She could clean up at anytime, she's in control. If anything, it's a phase or a coping mechanism. She can stop when she chooses and this time she simply chooses not to stop. It makes her happy and quite frankly to her, happiness never tasted so sweet.

She slammed the locker shut and then started walking but she ended up colliding with Sean's ex girlfriend Amy, Sean's rebound for me before he started dating Ellie. Instead of being cruel she just said, "It's okay I wasn't watching where I was going."

She genuinely laughs for the first time in awhile and shrugs her shoulders uncomfortably, "Neither was I."

As their books got mismatched in the hall they sorted them out and went on their way to Kwan's english class. Emma hands Amy the books that belong to her and she beamed, "Thanks, Emily."

She ignored the fact she didn't know her name, just mumbled, "Don't mention it."

Emma and Amy both walk into the classroom, late. Late wasn't like Emma and Kwan knew it.

The teacher finished her statement, "...And Emma will be paired with Amy." As the girls walk past her, she whispers in Emma's general direction, "see me after class."

When she wasn't facing Kwan she rolled her eyes as Amy and Emma moved their seats to the back of the classroom where they'd be working together. "So we meet again." Amy remarks as she takes a notebook out of her purse.

"Yeah guess so." Emma answered not really sure what to say to the girl seated across from her. All in all she wasn't fond of her. Sean looked over from his seat at the two girls and then back to face his partner, Liberty Emma noticed this and then looked back at Amy.

Amy broke the ice a bit with an assumption, "I know what you're thinking right? I'm sure everybody's heard but I'm fine."

"Say what?" Emma asked confused she wasn't paying much attention but she also rather be anywhere but there. She knew by working with Amy she would have to do all the work so she was somewhat annoyed.

"Sean's big party, our break up it's whatever but I'm fine." And then she dramatically gasped, "Oh God you didn't know?"

Emma shrugged with confusion and laughed nervously while opening up her notebook, "I don't really pay attention."

"Anyway I drank a bit too much and had to be hospitalized, but you know now you know."

Emma shrugged her shoulders, that feeling felt all too close to home. "Well you're alright, that's good right?"

"I guess."

"So about this project, what should we write about?" Emma asked.

X -

Emma decided to skip her next class and chill out in the gym while the niners were having their gym class by the bleachers. She was lost in the music listening to her portable cd player and writing in her diary every few moments she'd sip her drink and then she felt a shadow standing above her, she looked up at him and didn't say a word. What could she say?

Instead, Emma asked sardonically with a sigh. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted you to know I'm a little concerned about you."

She scoffed in response, "You haven't talked to me in months and now you're concerned?"

"I mean," He lied sort of changing the subject, "MI's been pretty shitty since Simpson left." Emma didn't say anything with downcast eyes, he hit a nerve. Sean finally sat on the bleacher edge beside her. She swallowed hard. "It's just you're not the same since..." He trailed off because he didn't want to explicitly say, "I don't know. You just haven't been yourself."

"Why do you care?" Emma asked looking at him sternly.

He was silent for a few moments before making eye contact with her again looking at her noticing the dark circles and yesterday's eyeliner smudged around her chocolate colored eyes, "Em," He lingered there for a moment and a part of her remembered him and who he used to be and is no longer, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"For what?" She played dumb.

"For you know, how things ended for real this time. I know haven't been the nicest to you but I don't know, I just don't want to see you going down a bad path."

"Excuse me but Sean, but I assure you I'm absolutely fine."

"No you're not." He argued but she shook her head, he finally was more bold, "You think I don't notice? I've lived with alcoholics." He knew that smell he could smell the whiskey on her and he wasn't even all that close to her in proximity.

In denial she laughed it off, "I don't know what you're talking about." Sean leaned over and grabbed the bottle from her, but in response she jerked it back defiantly with gritted teeth careful not to attract attention to herself, "I'm fine."

He shook his head he was serious about this, the concern was real, "I want to help you but you're making it really hard."

She truthfully wasn't sure what to say, part of her wanted to tell him that it was okay. Instead she just looked at him point blank and retorted, "What will help is for you to leave me alone like you normally do. Don't you have laptops to steal?"

His feelings were somewhat hurt. He didn't say anything. He figured to himself that the damage was done. He had hurt her and this feeling of worry was only the tip of the iceberg for what he feels for her. Sean almost wanted to deny it again, but he couldn't lie to her. Instead he just said nothing.

He didn't move so she decided she would. As she absentmindedly scrambled to pick up her bag her diary slipped out, "That's what I thought." she muttered as she walked away from to go, well who knows where? She hadn't decided yet but she knew she didn't want to speak to him.

He almost called out to her that she had left something behind, but instead he picked it up once she left the room. It was a little red notebook. He had shop class but he decided to skip the rest of the day. He tossed it in his book bag and went home. He knew that ultimately Mr. Elh would give him shit for cutting class but he was sidetracked and he couldn't help it.

When he arrived home he read through what looked to be a diary. It was a tiny thick moleskin notebook with a red leather cover binding. He bit his lip in anticipation to read her thoughts, in his hands he had the inner workings of the girl he left behind. He opened the first page it was dated October 15th 2003 it took the entire page but it said:

"I HATE HIM!" "It had a frowning face and it was as if it was scrawled on the page in anger. He could tell by the pen strokes it was deep, it was sloppy and didn't appear like her previous neat penmanship. He knew that day, it was the day they fought ultimately leading to them splitting up for good.

The next page he turned to, she went in depth, she talked about the break up the fall out how she feels about him and more. It hurt to read her scathing tell all, the angst, the heartbreak, the anger and pain. What she fails to include was how he was hurting too. She talked about all about how she had tried, that he didn't understand her sacrifices in the relationship, how she cried herself to sleep, how the last page was a lie she doesn't hate him. In fact quite the opposite. It detailed their break up but the last paragraph really got him this part of the entry really hurt to read,

"Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? I lied last page I don't hate him, in fact I love him and a part of me believes no matter what I say or what I do I always will. Loved the kid since I was like 12. Since the very moment we crossed paths. Even when I pretended to hate his guts last year. Even when I had that ridiculous crush on Craig. And it's tragic as anything because he'll never know. I'll be nothing to him, years from now when we're all grown up and shit he likely won't remember me. I'll always remember how hard it was to get over this but he just threw me away. I could never do that to him, to anybody. Fuck it I'll be lucky if I make it through the year. He was my first everything and now everything is fucking tainted. I hate this. When will it get better?"

He shut the book and just looked at it. He couldn't read anymore. However the suspense is killing him. He knew he had really fucked it all to hell this time.

Why should he be sad though? He had Ellie, right? In the past few weeks he realized what an undertaking it was because he's always taking care of her. She's not self sufficient, they had things in common but Ellie has zero coping skills. He has to carry her on his back, he has to carry her burdens because she refuses to. He got a text, it was from Ellie and again, her mom got drunk and they had a fight. Then the second text he could almost predict, "Can I come over?"

He reluctantly texts back even though it's the last thing he wants, "Sure." Sean quickly stuffed the diary in a drawer.

The auburn haired girl came to the door with an umbrella and a black ensemble to match. She looked distressed. That's what she was so it seemed, she had that rough exterior to her but in actuality she was just a damsel in distress to him. She'd hand him her shit and he'd have to work with it. He simply put up with it. Sometimes Ellie would remind himself of his mother. She'd want to stop drinking, but she'd always find herself back on the wagon when his father pissed her off enough. And Ellie when provoked by her mother would delve into bad habits too.

"Ugh, I'm so glad to see you baby." Ellie pulled him into a hug and kissed him but Sean was notably sidetracked.

"What happened with your mom?" Sean predicted before she even said anything.

"She was saying some pretty awful shit about dad abandoning us, she is assuming the worst in her stupor she neglects to realize he still is supporting us and everything. I had this urge to cut in my room but I called you instead."

Sean moved the couch and nodded in understanding, "You can stay the night. I'll take the couch." He told her before adding, "We'll check on your mom in the morning to make sure she -"

"I put her bed before I left. She passed out on the couch I put a blanket on her but she'll probably wake up again and drink some more and be up in the morning." Ellie walked toward the couch looked at Sean and grimaced, "Thanks, I know this isn't easy for you."

Sean's mind suddenly thought about that day, it was the day he and Emma went to the ravine with the SITE club to clean it. They stopped for a spell to talk. She smiled at him, she gave him some water and she told him, "Thanks for coming, I know this isn't your idea of fun." He then remembers what happened next, suddenly he was awoken from the day dream by Ellie calling his name, "Sean!"

"What?" He asked before making an excuse to why he's sidetracked, "I guess I'm pretty tired."

"I'm just saying you know it's just us. Why don't we share the bed tonight?"

"No, it's okay I'll take the couch." He tells her while not even looking at her. Ellie shakes her head then retreats to the bedroom without a word, he knew she was upset but she was the last person he wanted to be in his company that night. Sean set up his bedding on the couch first he put down a sheet, second he adjusted the pillow before lying down and throwing his gray blanket on top of him. He was uncomfortable at first. He wasn't ready for bed. He kept staring at the side table where he had stashed the journal as he was anxious to read more. Finally he just mutters, "Fuck it." He takes his pack of cigarettes from his pocket with his lighter and takes out Emma's red journal. He plucks out a cigarette and silently goes out front to smoke. He looks at the red moleskine cover and shakes his head and realized he shouldn't be doing this. He decided was going to return the diary to her whenever he sees her tomorrow.