The Heartache Behind The Smile
Hey guys :) this is my first story I've written and I hope you guys like it. It's based on an experience I've been through myself and I've cried a few times writing it :P but I wanted to write it, as I'm writing this now, I'm really hoping writing about it will help.
I am basing Bella's friends on my friends, such as Angela, Ben and also the Cullens. If you don't get anything please ask and I'll try and explain :)
This chapter is in Bella's POV. Her character is based on me. Obviously things won't be exactly the same but I tried my best. I would love to know what you guys think. :)
I felt a strange sense of power as I held the scissors to my arm. As the blade pressed against the skin, tears poured down my face and I thought back to why I was doing this. I had everything yet I was unhappy. No one understood. They didn't get what it was like to live like this, trapped inside your own head , feeling this pain every day. As the blood appeared on my skin I felt slightly better. It made me feel, good in a weird way. I hadn't told anyone about it. I couldn't. They wouldn't get why I'm doing it, they'd think I was crazy. I just wish I could tell someone but I can't. I just can't. Not even Alice, or Edward.
Edward. He had no idea what I was doing to myself. He'd be devastated if he knew what I was doing to myself. Every time he said he could smell blood around me I'd just say I'd gotten a paper cut or I'd fallen over. I brushed it off and quickly changed the subject, but I knew he saw through me. He never persisted though, he knew I didn't want to talk about it. He grew more worried every day and I could feel him and the Cullens, Alice especially, watching over me more than usual. I'd be over at their house practically every night and they were all tiptoeing around me like I was a fragile china doll. It got so annoying at times, but I just smiled and put up with it, thankful that Edward couldn't read my mind. I made sure that I never definitely decided what I was going to do to myself, so Alice wouldn't see. It was getting more and more difficult to hold myself together and I could see that they could see cracks starting to appear. I couldn't bear the thought of Edward finding out. He'd blame himself, for not helping me or finding our sooner. I couldn't put him through that, so I kept quiet, trapped in the sad, confused place that was my mind.
I yanked my sleeve up as I heard a car pull up outside my house. I'd taken to wearing long sleeved black t shirts all the time. I dashed into the bathroom and pressed a damp cloth against my scars. I winced as the water stung the cuts, I looked away closing my eyes. I told myself the pain was worth it, that I'd feel better after.
Three short knocks on the door told me it was Edward. I looked up at my face in the mirror and I looked like a complete mess. I felt like collapsing on the floor and never having to move but I had to hold myself together and drag myself through the hell hole that at the moment was my life. As soon as I thought that, I felt furious with myself. How could I be so bloody ungrateful ? I had Edward, my own Greek god who would do anything for me. Alice, Esme, Jasper and all of the Cullens. I had Angela, Ben even Mike flipping Newton and Jake. I had everything I'd ever wanted and more, my life had changed for the better, yet I still did this to myself every day. What the hell was wrong with me? I kicked the trash bin in anger and it fell sideways, crashing onto the bathroom floor.
" Bella ? " I'd totally forgotten about Edward knocking on the door not two minutes ago, I felt like even more of an idiot.
" Bella , sweetheart what's wrong ?" he asked worry and concern evident all over his face as he dashed across to where I was standing and gathered me in his arms, pressing his lips against my hair. I wished I could break down completely right there and then, and tell him everything. The pain, the confusion everything I'd been holding in for so long. He was the love of my existence, I should be able to tell him this shouldn't I ? On the other hand, he'd never forgive himself if I told him, he'd be horrified at himself for letting me hurt myself. He always though of himself as my protector, to shield me from any sort of harm. I bet he'd never thought he'd have to shield me from myself.
I couldn't help myself and started crying there in his arms. He tightened his grip on me, smoothing my hair and whispering comforting words in my ear.
" Bella, love please tell me, you're scaring me now." he said wiping tears from my cheeks and looking deep into my eyes.
I gathered all the strength I had left and pushed away slightly, ignoring the protests shouting at me inside my head. I kept my left arm behind my back, shrugging the sleeve down quietly.
" It's nothing don't worry. I just …got a bit stressed out for a second. I don't know what's wrong with me today. Come on we're gonna be late." I flew round him, leaving him standing in the bathroom with a confused and worried look on his face. He knew perfectly well it wasn't like me to act like this. I grabbed my bag and dashed out the front door, hoping to avoid any further questions. Edward joined me moments later, he didn't say anything as he got in the drivers seat of his car, but he looked like he wanted to say something as he started the engine. I turned away, looking out the window, keeping a firm grip on my t shirt sleeve, as I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
So there it is guys :) I really hope you liked it. I'm sorry if I upset or offended anyone, but I really want people to read my story. I would love the support from readers and if anyone has been through something similar then you can contact me anytime.
On from the depressing stuff ! That's my first story and I feel quite proud of myself :) so please read and review ! Tell me what you think !
Song I was listening to while writing this : The Climb, Miley Cyrus
