:A/N: This is my second ER fic, and I have already twice attempted to write this one but I had failed. I hope this time you will like it.

:Disclaimer: ER does not belong to me. I am not a native speaker, so please point out any mistakes you see. I am looking for a beta-reader.

:Summary: Doug and Carol, from the very painful beginning.

: Half My Heart :

: Chapter I :

I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that it would be different. It seemed as if I would always breathe this air of problems that surrounded him, but unfortunately, I could not let go of him. He was too charming and resistance was impossible.

This knowledge was painful. But his smile and his touch when he hugged me was worth it – even though he didn't feel the way I did.

We got to know each other on a rainy day in a med library. I was just looking something up for my studies – college was not as easy as it had seemed at the beginning – and he had caught my attention.

But from the way he smiled at me I could tell that I meant close to nothing to him. The thought that I could mean something to him someday, after a long, long time made me shiver every night I tried to fall asleep from that day on. I was constantly hoping things would change, that he would suddenly see me differently. He didn't.

He kep on going out with his girlfriend – or should I rather put it, with his girlfriends? Every weekend, it was somebody else he told me about, and I began to understand that he was not someboy who settled down easily. Or at all.

He'd rather die.

"Carol," he said once, "you are my friend, aren't you?"

That sentence hurt me deeply, but I turned to him and smiled, replying, "Yes, I am. What is it?"

"Could I stay tonight? I can't go back to my flat because my bud is having a party. He doesn't want me there, I would take his girls away. Please."

Oh, had I said no! Had I only said no!

But I didn't.

"Yes, sure… my flatmate won't mind."

Somehow, that night he reassured me that we were friends and that it would be fine for us to sleep in one bed. So we did. And I couldn't sleep the whole night.

Friends…

What did that mean, anyway? I did not need him to be my friend… but he had repeated that phase so often that someday, I took it the way it was. Although it was painful, I stepped out of my emotional chaos and closed my eyes to my feelings.

Alas, that night it was impossible. I lay awake until the early morning hours, listening to his breathing, watching him sleep.

God knows he was asleep, but I couldn't breathe for some moments when he had moved and put his hand on my stomach… he would under no circumstances do that willingly, for we were friends… 'He is asleep, you idiot, and it means nothing at all…' I began to cry, one tear running down my cheek after the other, hoping the night would never end.

But it did.