Okay, I know me starting a new story when I have a lot of other one's on my plate is crazy, but this idea has been in my head for a while, and I wanted to share it with you all. I haven't given up on some of my other stories, even though some I haven't updated in a while. It's just going to take time. =)

Now, this story was inspired by Amelia Shepherd off of Private Practice, when she went through her drug addiction. This will be loosely be based off of it, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due. I have watched several youtube videos from amazing vidders about that scene and I felt that a story needed to be told through Bonnie.

The summary are lyrics by Lykke Li, "Until We Bleed."

Warning: This story is going to be raw, numbing, tragic, romantic, and emotional. It's going to cross a lot of boundaries. It's going to have a lot of dark moments dealing with drugs and alcohol and sex. I'm trying to expand my writing more, and I completely understand if you don't want to read it, but if you do, thank you for beginning this journey with me. I hope you all enjoy!

No copyright infringement intended.


Present Day

Contentment.

Humans are known to find it in the least possible places…. at the least possible time. Whether it's just for one moment; they find it. And they embrace it. It seeps in to their skin; flowing into their bloodstream like a euphoric paradise that you can't get enough of; that you don't want to get enough of. You don't want to stop drinking it in because it's so invigorating; almost flawless.

Bonnie Marie Bennett use to let that feeling engulf her. She would feel so high above the world that coming down was always just a passing thought in the darkness.

And now, that feeling was absent. Now, she was alone with her thoughts, clawing into her brain; seducing her… manipulating her into remembering the past three years of her life. Those were the years where she felt contentment; brought to life by the discontent that embraced her body. It was where her pain began to feel pleasurable; where she felt both alive and damaged that she couldn't decipher the two.

It was Day 3 of being in the facility that she would call home for several months or for however long she needed to stay. But it was already established that this would never be her home. She didn't want it to be. But it had too, because she was losing everything. Actually she had already lost everything, right? Otherwise she wouldn't be here. She was mind fucked in all the wrong places; not knowing which way was up or down. She was just floating; floating into a non- existent abyss that held her captive. And yet she liked it and hated it all the same. She swam in it like a pool full of peace, yanking and thrashing, pulling her through a dark tunnel of never ending light. Crazy right? Yes, she thought so too.

To go back to who she was, wasn't possible. She knew that… everyone knew that. Her friends, her grandmother, her drunk of a dad, even the people who knew of her, who gave her side way glances, snickering and making comments that held judgment; they all knew it. But who were they to judge her, right? They didn't know her. They didn't walk into her shoes every day. They didn't know what it was like to feel so detached from your body… your mind… your soul that all you could do was surrender to numbness.

And yet she was here…. In a place where recovery was the main focus. But would this place really bring recovery, only reminding her every day what had happened. She wanted it all to go away. All of it; the pain, the detachment from life… the memories. She hated all of it. She knew that she was a mess, and she didn't care.

How could 3 years change your life so much? How could the person who made good grades all through high school, graduated at the top of her class, got a scholarship to college, and had wonderful friends be so distant and loss that all it took was one moment to make it all change. The struggles you put them through; the help you cast aside like they meant nothing.

3 years ago she was entering her freshman year of college with her best friends; her soulmates. 3 years ago, so much had begun to weigh down on her because she didn't feel good enough. Because she wanted to break out of the shell everyone held her in.


3 years ago…..

That's where her story began.

"I don't understand how you ladies still had a lot of things left at your houses, because this is a shit load of stuff." Matt Donovan stated, putting down two of Bonnie's boxes.

"Exactly, you should see Elena's room at the house now; it still has a ton of junk, so I don't know where all this crap came from." Jeremy Gilbert agreed, bringing in several boxes of his sister's things, followed by Tyler Lockwood, bringing in Caroline Forbes's things.

"It's really not that much," Caroline smiled, sitting down on the couch in between her two best girlfriends, as they watched the guys do the hard labor.

"Why don't you three get off your asses and help?" Tyler said; ready to just throw everything fragile on the ground. They still had a ton of boxes to go, making them nowhere near done.

"Because we like looking at your asses a lot better." Bonnie commented, causing the girls to laugh.

Bonnie, Caroline, Elena, Tyler, and Matt had been best friends since they were kids. They had always been there for each other; no matter how many times their nerves were at a breaking point. And even though Jeremy still had another year before he entered college, he was a part of their little group as well.

Jeremy's eyes connected with his sister's, "Where is your boyfriend by the way? Shouldn't he be here helping you with this?"

"Yeah, where is Stefan?" Caroline asked, before Elena could say anything, "I wouldn't mind looking at his hot ass either." She winked and Elena playfully pushed her.

"He's still in New York visiting his brother; he won't be back until tomorrow." Elena smiled. She couldn't wait to see her boyfriend. They had been dating for one year and three months, and this past summer was the first time they had been apart. It was bitter sweet really; from their late night phone calls, Skype sessions; sometimes erotic, sometimes not, it was almost like he never left. And she knew the reunion was going to be a mind blowing experience.

"Jeremy's just broody because he's ready to get back to Anna." Bonnie teased.

"Well, maybe if you let me pop your cherry I wouldn't be in such a hurry." Jeremy wiggled his tongue out at her, causing a light blush to creep along Bonnie's cheeks. She instantly threw one of the couch pillows she was leaning on at his forehead, followed by an 'Ew' from Elena.

Bonnie wouldn't deny it, Jeremy was a very good looking guy with muscles for days, but being Elena's little brother just took her interest away. He use to bare a crush on her for several years until he met Anna, and Bonnie was glad he did.

"That's because she's saving it for me." Matt joked with a smirk crossing his features, bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Okay, new subject!" Bonnie yelled; her face growing red by the minute. She was the only one in the room that hadn't cashed in her V-card, and she was perfectly okay with that. She was waiting for the right guy, like Elena did with Stefan. Caroline, though, was a different story, she was more 'friendly' and free spirited when it came to sex. And when it came to Bonnie, everyone held some type of enjoyment in making fun of her predicament…. Not that she cared, it was just extremely embarrassing.

"Yes, enough about Bonnie's dusty vajayjay," Caroline laughed, gaining a playful punch from her best friend.

When the sounds of 'I'm a Barbie girl' flooded the room, everyone grew silent and their eyes found their way to Matt.

"Really dude?" Tyler broke the silence, followed by laughter from everyone else in the room.

Matt glared at Elena, "Payback Gilbert… just wait for it." He said, checking his text message.

It wasn't uncommon for all of them to play tricks on one another.

Matt interrupted their laughter, "That was Vicky. She and Katherine made it to New York safely."

"Yeah, Katherine just text me too." Jeremy said, stuffing his face with a bag of chips.

Bonnie noticed Elena roll her eyes. Katherine not bothering to pick up the phone and let Elena know she made it safely wasn't anything new to the gang, because they were always at odds with one another. And though Katherine and Elena were identical… scary identical, the only thing that deciphering them was one had straight hair and the other one kept it curly, they were both just so different. Where Katherine was blunt, manipulative, and her attitude wasn't always pleasant, Elena was just the opposite.

Even though they were all around the same age, Katherine and Vicky migrated more towards one another, mostly because Katherine couldn't stand Elena, which meant she couldn't stand her friends.

Before anything else could be said on the subject, Tyler informed everyone that it looked like it was about to rain, and forced Bonnie, Caroline, and Elena downstairs to help get their things; receiving nothing but whining from them.

A few hours later, Tyler was proven correct. The rain was falling hard from the sky, followed by thunder and lightning, ruining their 'first day freshman party plans' as Caroline liked to call it.

Bonnie didn't mind though, she loved the rain; especially being indoors and watching movies. That interested her more than going out and partying. Out of all of her friends she considered herself to be a little socially awkward, Matt bringing in a close second. That's why they were closer in the group, and though their friendship was purely platonic, they did flirt from time to time.

So, while Caroline, Tyler, and Jeremy were taking a tour of the dorms, and Elena was probably in her room having phone sex with Stefan, Matt and Bonnie were watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, lying across Bonnie's bed.

"I don't know why you want to watch this again, you always get scared and ask me to stay the night."

"Like you would ever object." She smiled, but jumped a bit when Leatherface made his appearance.

Matt laughed, and then clicked off the movie, ignoring Bonnie's protest.

They both flipped over to lie on their backs, and stared at the ceiling.

"Promise me something, Bons?"

"Depends on what it is, Mattie." That name was only reserved for her and his sister.

"Promise me we will have fun these next four years; that we won't get too consumed with our nose in the books and we don't forget that this is college…."

"Exactly Matt, this is college." She cut him off, "And you know better than anyone that we didn't have our parents pay the full tuition, we had to get scholarships and financial aid, and out of our own pocket. So, I may not be on the 'party' scene at all."

"Trust me, I understand, but if you would have let me finish, miss interrupts a lot. What I mean to say is that we won't let each other slip with our grades, but we will enjoy our college experience."

It took a moment for Bonnie to respond, "Fine…"

"Promise me."

Bonnie rolled her eyes, because Matt knew that she was quick to go back on her word if she didn't make a promise. "Fine, I promise I won't let my work consume me; that I will go out and have fun from time to time."

"Good." He said, and then laughter filled the air, as Matt began tickling her.


Present

Bonnie was hypnotized. Hypnotized by her memories; hypnotized by the rain falling roughly to the earth that she could only see out of her window. A window that was pinned behind bars, so she couldn't escape.

And right now, that was all she wanted to do. She didn't want to be here anymore, she wanted to leave. She wanted to go back to that day, 3 years ago when her life made sense.

As her heart began to race, she felt as if she couldn't breathe. As if someone stole the air out of her lungs. She tried coughing, but it didn't help… it only made it worse. She felt trapped; trapped in this room, trapped in this place, trapped in skin that didn't feel like hers. She wanted out.

She attempted to claw at her neck, but her hands were pulled instantly into someone else's, "Bonnie, look at me." The female accented voice filled her ears. "Look at me, love. It is going to be okay."

"I-I c-can't…I-I… B-breathe…." Bonnie struggled to say, as she tried to yank her hands away.

"Yes you can. Take deep breaths," She tried soothing her, "Focus on my breathing, follow my pacing….you can do this."

It took several minutes before Bonnie began to focus on Rebekah Mikaelson's breathing, matching it with her own.

"This is part of your withdrawal from the drugs. I have been a patient in here long enough, so trust me when I say I have had plenty of moments where you are now." Rebekah explained, with a kind smile, moving some of the strands of hair out of Bonnie's face. "Kind of still going through them a little bit." She added.

Tears were visible in Bonnie's eyes, as she slowly recovered from her horrifying episode.

"Now, drink this." She said handing her a cup of water, "And finish telling me about this Matt character, he sounds like a total hunk."

If Bonnie was who she had been, she would have smiled… showed some type of gratitude for the woman sitting in front of her. But she couldn't, because all she wanted right now was to feel her contentment.

And she couldn't do that here.


A/N: So, what did you all think? Hopefully I didn't disappoint on my first chapter. And If you are all wondering why Damon wasn't in the first chapter, don't worry he's coming soon. And so will more characters.

The flashbacks will not be italicized, but it will be split up through the words Past & Present

I hope you all enjoyed it & Please review to let me know =) Thank you! xoxo