Chapter 1. What the Fuck?

Author's note.

Full disclosure, this is an idea that I've had bouncing around in my head for some time. Basic idea is that the Clone Wars are still going on, just for much longer than they normally would and have come to a kind of stalemate, and my self-insert character has accumulated a ragtag group of the most villainous characters, swayed them to his side, and is working against Palpatine. Most of the team will be familiar faces with OC type personalities largely based off of Married with Children. This is not a story that is meant to really go anywhere or have a definitive goal, it is essentially an attempt at a humorous crack fic. Let's get started.

The Madhouse, a modified CR90- Corvette, was a ship that had it all. It had the space for almost 170 crew members, though its modifications meant that it could be operated by a single individual if needed, advanced anti-detection systems, a large recreational area, hell even a swimming pool. And currently it was filled with a number of…odd individuals. One of which was about to have his, so far, good day rudely ended. Up in the bridge the captain of the ship and 'leader' of the team snoozed.

RING RING

The sudden noise of an earpiece communicator roused him to alertness. He blearily looked around until he found the infernal thing that had awoken him. With a low groan he grabbed it and put it on.

"Mike here…" Mike said, listening to the voice on the other end. "Hey G, what's up?" Another pause, then. "Wait, wait. Slow down…What?…What happened?…She did what?...Son of a…Get her here…Yeah, I'll see you when you get here…Goodbye." Mike pulled the earpiece off and leaned forward, hitting a button on the panel before him. It opened a line to all the comm devices and to the ship's announcement system.

"TEAM MEETING. ON THE BRIDGE. NOW!" Mike shouted into the microphone, the echoes reverberating throughout the ship. While not trained to properly use the force he was skilled enough with it to be able to sense emotions, in this case a number of irritated people.

Eventually the team filed in, having been pulled from whatever they had been doing prior. The first in was Maul, the onetime apprentice to Darth Sidious A.K.A. Chancellor Palpatine. Next was his brother, Savage, accompanied by his girlfriend, Aurra Sing. A smaller figure entered next, young Boba Fett. The last was a Kaleesh female, named Ronderu lij Kummar.

They all were looking about, curious as to why they had been called here. But one by one they noticed that a few of their members were missing, and they started to share amused yet exasperated expressions. An expression that Mike, despite his irritation, was fighting down on his own face.

When the doors opened next there entered the last three of the group. A once cybernetic kaleesh male, he still went by Grievous even though he could easily have taken back his birth name, an elderly former Jedi turned Sith turned redeemed Sith named Dooku, and between them, a pleased smile on her pale face and her short, bob cut hair somewhat disheveled, was Asajj Ventress. Grievous's face was hidden behind his mask, but he was clearly smiling. A smile that lit further when he saw Ronderu. Dooku looked very amused, even though he knew that Asajj was about to get chewed out.

"Asajj?" Mike began calmly.

She didn't respond for a moment, as if weighing the options of how to answer. Her smile widened and she did the one thing that annoyed Mike, and in doing so amused the rest of the team. "Yo."

For a moment, Mike considered flushing her out of an airlock. But he collected himself.

"What happened?" He asked.

"So I was doing my thing and taking out the separatist base, but then I find out that there are a few caches of supplies that some smugglers had hidden around the area. So I figured two birds one stone, take them out while I was there." Asajj said.

"That's fine, but why did G and Dooku have to retrieve you?" Mike inquired.

"I'm getting there. So, after taking out those smuggler bitches…" Asajj continued.

"I thought you were just taking out their supplies." Boba interrupted.

"You think smugglers would take kindly to having their stuff burned? No? Anyway…" Asajj answered. "I take out the smugglers, and the queen decided to invite me to a small celebration since I was already there. And what kind of person would I be if I turned down a client's offer like that?" Asajj explained.

"Either the queen was really hot, or had a really hot daughter." Aurra whispered to Savage, who snorted as he tried to contain his laugh.

"Both actually. But I only got in trouble for harassing the princess." Asajj said.

"Ventress, there is a clear line between harassment and assault. And fondling the princess's boobs in public counts as the latter." Dooku said.

"Did you see them? Did you see how big they were?" Asajj asked.

"That's beside the point. But yes, yes I did." Dooku said. Somewhere, in another universe, a turtle hermit is looking up and thinking 'Someone's making my signature face.'

"I knew I should have gone." Boba said under his breath. Asajj, feeling pity, showed him some holo images of the princess. Boba's eyes widened. "Mike, all things considered I think we should go easy on Ventress. No straight man…" Boba looked at Asajj. "Or lesbian, could reasonably turn down the opportunity to grab those."

"I am surrounded by pervy morons." Mike said, but he wasn't mad. He loved these idiots, and would fight tooth and nail for them.

"Well I don't see what's so special." Savage said.

"That's because Aurra's got you whipped." Boba said.

"I don't see what's so special either." Maul said.

"Maul, you're gay. Like really gay. Other gay men are off put by your gayness." Boba explained.

"Regardless, the queen isn't happy. She's still willing to pay for the work done, but I had to negotiate a lower fee as reparation." Grievous explained.

"That's reasonable. Dooku, add that planet to the list of 'no Asajj allowed' planets." Mike said.

"Already done." Dooku said, holding up a small tablet.

"Asajj, you're grounded." Mike said.

"I'm a grown woman, you can't ground me!" Asajj exclaimed.

"Dish duty, one week." Mike ordered.

"Shit!" Asajj cursed. Dish duty was a crappy chore. This team ate a decent amount in an average meal.

"Two weeks, want to make it three?" Mike challenged. Asajj pouted but said nothing.

"Well now that we've settled that, are we good? I've got stuff to do." Boba said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

"Like what, dunking your girlfriend in a tub of water to find the air leak." Asajj taunted, drawing a scowl from Boba.

"At least she has a reason for having air in her head." Boba said. When everyone looked at him he realized he had just played himself. "That is, if I had an inflatable girlfriend. Which I don't" Boba tried to recover, but the damage was done.

Savage scooped up Aurra, who gave a small startled shriek, and made his way back to his quarters. Or her quarters, or wherever they had decided to fornicate this time. Grievous and Ronderu shared a look, clearly intent on following Savage's and Aurra's example. Boba left, Maul not far behind trying to console his young friend. Asajj went back to her room, mad about dish duty but by in large happy with the outcome.

Mike leaned back and rubbed his eyes. It was times like this where he wondered why he quit drinking. He then looked over at the 'wall of shame', which was mostly covered in printed copies of Asajj's various restraining orders. A fair number of which were earned after getting all clears from a drunk Mike.

"Oh yeah, that's why I quit drinking." He thought, leaning back and trying to sleep. One day, one disaster at a time.

Main Character Breakdown

Mike- Team leader and one of the voices of reason. He captains the ship, tries to help out his team, and frequently finds himself trying to clean up their messes.

Dooku- Former Sith. Smashball fan. Another voice of reason, frequently ignored because of it. has abandoned the traitorous environment of Palpatine's Sith order in favor of the chaotic, but amusing, Madhouse crew. Able to be prim and proper when needed, becomes a sport fan hermit when allowed.

Asajj Ventress- Former sith acolyte. The problem child of the group, she is banned from many planets due to her continuous molestation of any attractive female she can find. Has begun studying medicine to be more useful to the team.

Boba Fett- Clone of Jango Fett, skilled bounty hunter and mercenary for his age. Works primarily as the liaison for the team, finding contracts and advising on team configuration. Desperate to get laid, and often mocked for his collection of inflatable sex dolls.

Maul- Former sith assassin to Palpatine. Similar to Ventress, but fortunately he keeps his harassment of any attractive men limited to making saber-staff innuendos. Used to have cybernetic legs, but methods available to Mike allowed for him to reacquire flesh and blood legs.

Savage Opress- Brother to Maul, boyfriend to Aurra Sing. Used to have cybernetic arm, same methods used for Maul corrected this. Has mellowed out considerably since entering a relationship with Aurra, but still combatively viable.

Aurra Sing- Girlfriend to Savage, former assassin. Initially joined for economic opportunities, but stayed after falling for Savage. Another voice of reason in the team. Well-developed sense abilities due to having to be on the lookout for Ventress trying to peep on her in the shower.

Grievous- Former cyborg leader of separatist droid army, has since undergone psyche transfer into cloned Kaleesh body. Initially believed his lover, Ronderu lij Kummar, was dead. Serves as chef and barkeep. Intends to wed Ronderu.

Ronderu lij Kummar- Kaleesh, former lover of Grievous who was believed dead. She wasn't, though came close, and was brought onto the team mostly to sway Grievous. Knows that Grievous intends to marry her, but continues to feign ignorance.