PsyichoticSax
Choices
For Manuxinhace's Challange


It played in her mind countless times. One broken sentence after the next, tumbling, falling – bouncing between them like a beach ball slowly running out of air. She needed to know what it all meant; she needed to know what was going on. What were they? Where did they stand?

She grabbed an empty notebook and a pen off the coffee table and wrote down the entire conversation, leaving every sentence a page for itself; a page where she would explain everything under her own terms.

Of course I don't want anything to happen to you.

She stared down at the first page, reading and rereading the line countless times. He didn't want anything to happen to her – she knew that for a fact. But the real question was why. Why didn't he want anything to happen to her? She knew the answer, deep down, hiding in the back of her mind, she knew. Without writing anything on the first page, she flipped to the next.

I'm your partner – your friend.

No, she thought absentmindedly. You're so much more. They were friends, and they were partners. But they weren't together – no, not like that, not yet, anyways. Wannabe lovers, she thought, and she cracked a small smile. It was something that Castle would probably say if he was there. But he's not.

Is that what we are?

No, she wrote, writing in clear block letters. No, we're not that simple. We're more; much, much more…

You know what?

A short and semi-pointless sentence on Castle's behalf. No, she signed, a little half-smile splayed on her face. I don't.

I don't know *what* we are.

Neither do I. It went down on the paper, as if she were actually having a conversation with him. However, she knew that it was a conversation that she would never – could never – have with him. It would jeopardize everything if she did. Everything.

We kiss, and then we never talk about it.

Because I *can't* talk about it, Castle. She realized too late that she had written his name on the paper. She thought about crossing it out, pretending that she had never written it in the first place. She held the point of her pen over the C, ready to draw the line, but instead, she moved passed the word and continued writing. It was too amazing for words, that kiss. I never thought something so simple could be so beautiful. Don't you remember the way I grabbed you? How I pulled you back in? How could *you* never talk about it? Never even try?

We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we don't talk about it.

She remembered. She remembered it very well. I came close, Castle. I came so close to telling you. Don't you know? I wanted you to know… I wanted you to know how much… how much I… I… Her pen stood frozen, unsure of where to move next. In her head, she debated it. Write it? Don't write it? Her hand was as steady as a surgeon's, yet it was as useful as toy stick. Castle, I love you. She moved on.

So no, I've got no clue what we are.

Again, I don't, either, Castle… I don't, either…

I know I don't want to see you throw your life away!

Her hand tensed up on the pen. She wanted to argue, to fight back. It's a piece of paper, Kate – you can't argue with a piece of paper. She slowly pressed the pen to the paper, and then she lifted it up. She put it back down, and this time, she began to write. You don't know what throwing my life away would mean, Castle. There are a thousand things I could do to throw it away – drugs, murder, suicide – anything! This… this isn't throwing my life away. This is me trying to get my life *back*. Don't you get it? This as been consuming my life for twelve years now, Castle… I can't forget about because no matter what I do, it finds me. It finds a way to make me suffer time after time. If I don't get rid of it, nobody will. Nobody else *can*.

Well, last time I checked, it was *my* life – not your personal jungle gym!

She wasn't really sure how to argue with herself – she had a good point. It is my life, but… but I need you in it, Castle. It's not always going to be fun and games. I need you to be serious sometimes – to take *me* seriously sometimes… I know that it's not your forte, but please, Castle, you could at least… try? She drew a line through the last sentence. Really, Kate? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. You don't need him. But then a different though stuck her. Yes. Yes, I do.

And for the past three years, I've been running around with the school's funniest kid, and it's not enough!

I need you in my life, Castle. You keep me young; human. How can I argue with that? She touched the end of the pen to the corner of her mouth. How was she going to say it, exactly? There were many ways she could, but… would it make sense? Would any of it make sense? I need that, Castle, but… but not all the time. Well, yes, all the time, but… but… She stared down at the paper. Come on, Kate, she thought, shaking her head. It's just paper. What do you have to be afraid of? She tried writing it out again. In a career full of blood and gore, you show me the sunshine. And it's amazing and gorgeous, but not every day is sunny. Sometimes days are just cloudy, and you've got to accept it. And I know that you never will. Is that something that *I* have to accept? Is it just another one of those confusing relationship type things? We're not even in a relationship – not technically, no. But we act just like it, and now… Now I'm pouring my heart out to you on a piece of paper that you'll never read. A bunch of pieces of paper that you'll never read.

You know what?

What, Castle? What do you have to say that hasn't been said already? What can you possibly add to this conversation?

This isn't about your mother's case anymore – this is about you needing a place to hide.

Kate Beckett doesn't hide from anything, Ricky Boy. She stopped herself before she could write anymore. Just get up. Make yourself some coffee. Take a break. She set the journal down on her couch and stuck her pen in the spiral. She pulled her sweater back across her stomach, over her leg black leggings. Her tank top wasn't keeping her warm enough, but she didn't mind. She was going to make a pot of coffee anyways.

She grinded the beans and cleaned the filter; poured the water in and flipped the switch. While she was waiting, she grabbed a piece of celery from one of the drawers in the fridge. She chewed on it for a few seconds before she heard the knock on her door. Her first initial reaction was to drop the celery and reach for her gun, which was safely tucked into the back of her leggings.

"Beckett? It's me – Castle."

It's alright, Kate, she told herself, trying to calm her raging heartbeat. It's just Castle. "Hold on!" she called, picking her celery stick off the counter. She dropped it in the trashcan on her way to the front door of her apartment. "Hey, Castle," she said, friendly smiling as he entered her house. "What are you doing here?"

"I just came here to make sure you were doing alright… is that coffee I smell?" he asked, sniffing around a bit. Beckett tried not to gawk or glare at the handsome man standing in her living room; it wasn't as if she wasn't used to pretending that she didn't find him attractive. Besides, she didn't need to be doing anything that would boost his ego.

"Yeah. I just… I couldn't sleep, so I thought I might as well stay up," she answered nervously. What's with you, Kate? It's just Castle. She pulled her sweater even tighter around, grateful to have something that she could knot her hands in.

"May I have some?"

"Um, yeah, just… Sit down, and I'll get you a cup. Just give it a minute." Stop stuttering! Stuttering had been one of the most difficult things to over come when she was in training to be a detective. A murderer wouldn't take anyone seriously if they were stuttering and stumbling over every word, something Kate learned fairly soon in her career in the NYPD.

"Alright," he answered, walking slowly through her living area, staring up at the walls and things that inhabited them.

Kate awkwardly walked into the kitchen, relieved to have a brief distraction from Castle. What was she supposed to say to him, anyways? She wasn't even wearing shoes! And it wasn't as if she could talk about work. After everything with Montgomery and the shooting… And now Gates, her new bitch of a boss. Not to mention everything that she had just written… Kate's eyes suddenly widened as she realized something. The notebook!

On cue, she heard Castle's voice asking, "Hey, what's this? Working on a bestseller?"

"No, Castle, don't read that!" she called, dashing into the living room. She practically slipped on the linoleum of the kitchen floor, but she caught herself when she hit the cream colored carpet of the living room. Castle had already picked up the notebook, but she didn't know if he had read anything or not. Please, Castle… put the notebook down.

"Relax, Beckett – it's not as if I haven't read through manuscripts before. It can't be that bad." He flipped through a few pages. She didn't know if he was still on a page with any words or not, but it wasn't a risk that she was willing to take. He couldn't read anything in there. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

"Castle, seriously!" she said, diving after him. She ripped the notebook from his hands, surprising Castle and even surprising Beckett a bit. "I told you not to read it!" She felt like an overemotional teenage girl again, much to her annoyance. She held the closed notebook against her chest, hoping that it would magically just sink into her. "What did you read, Castle?"

"Nothin-"

"What did you read?"

He sighed. Easily defeated, Castle? she thought, but she shook it out. Now wasn't the time to be joking; in fact, it was the worst time for her to be cracking jokes. "Page seven, line three," he said, holding a straight face. Kate flipped open the book and counted it out to page seven. She scrolled down to line three and read her worst nightmare coming true:

Castle, I love you.

It was the only think written on line three.

"Did you mean it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Do you mean it?"

"I… I…" she started, but she couldn't find the words to finish it. There has to be a way to win this, she thought. There are always options – always. What can I do? She tried to run any possibilities through her head as fast as she could. Talk to him? No, it's pointless – you'd fight. You don't want to fight, Kate, you just want to… *I* just want to… give in. "Here," she said softly, barely even saying the word. She felt so unbelievably vulnerable; so unbelievably unlike herself. Screw it, she thought, taking a deep breath. He told me I could be happy. I'm going to be freaking happy. "Read it. I'll bring you a cup of coffee. Then I'll go to my room. If you want to, come see me when you're done," she said, handing him the book. "Don't start until I'm in my room."

"Ok," he said, nodding.

"Ok," she responded, walking back to the kitchen. She didn't allow herself to think about what she had just done; she did it. There. It was done. She was going to pour her heart out to him – on paper – and he was going to decide whether he was in or out. Besides, he was the one who said that he loved her first. He had to be in, right? Right?

She numbly poured two cups of coffee. She debated the merits of maybe slipping a little cyanide into Castle's. Only there were two problems with that: first, she would be thrown in prison for first degree murder – which she could handle. Second, she didn't have any cyanide. Besides, as a writer, Castle would most likely recognize the smell of bitter almonds before he took a sip. Look what you've gotten yourself into now, Kate.

She walked back into the living room as calmly as she could. She handed Castle his cup, and the two of them stared at each other for a second. She saw Castle open his mouth a little, but then he closed it, as if he realized that whatever he was going to say was now no longer important. She gave him a small nod, and then she walked back to her bedroom, silently closing the door behind her. She wondered how long it would take for Castle to read the notebook. Probably not long, given how fast Castle could read, but still…

She set her coffee cup down on her bedside table, and she walked into her bathroom. She turned the sink on, letting the cold water rain for a few seconds before she splashed it onto her face. She didn't bother to use a washcloth – she just ran her hands under the water then brought them up to her face, covering it as if she needed to hide from something. Which, in a way, she did. It's going to be alright, she told herself, trying hard not to let her mind wander too far. It's all going to be alright. You deserve to be happy, Kate. You deserve it…

She walked into her closet and pulled her sweater off, dropping it into the hamper in the corner. She pulled her tank up over her head, throwing it alongside her sweater. She slid out of her leggings, grabbing her gun and setting it in one of her bedside drawers. She opened one of her dresser drawers and looked for her fanciest lingerie set. She found a black lacy corset with little red bows, along with a matching black lace thong. She disregarded her basic underclothes for her fancier set. She threw on a robe over it. She turned off her closet lights and shut the door behind her, walking back into her bedroom. She sat on the bed, tussled her hair a little, and waited for Castle to open the door. Because he *will* open the door, she told herself. He will.

The door cracked open. "Kate?"

"Come in," she said, not moving from her pose. He walked in carefully, taking a careful look at Kate before fully stepping into the room. He shut the door behind him, still holding the notebook in his other hand. "I'm going to tell you something, Castle. I'm going to sit here and spill the rest of my heart out to you, and you're not going to say a word. When I'm done, you're going to make a choice. You're either going to stay, or you're going to go. Nod if you understand." Castle nodded. "Good. Let me start at the beginning. I have never felt this way before. Not about anyone – ever. And I'm not going to lie – it scares the hell out of me, Castle. Because if I love you this much, I feel as if something's going to happen to you. You have to understand, Castle… Almost every I've ever cared about it gone now. My mom, Royce, Montgomery… Everyone. And I'm worried that because I love you, something is going to go wrong. I don't want to be hurt, Castle. Not again. And if you're in, then you have to promise me… promise me something that you can't keep, Rick. Promise me that you'll never leave me. You have to… you have to… swear to me…" She felt the tears coming, but she held them back to the best of her abilities.

"Kate," he said, walking towards her. He took her hands in his and pulled her up to her feet. "I swear to you, no matter what, I will never leave you… never."

"Ok, then," she said, pulling her face up, keeping in a sniffle. She managed as much dignity as she could in her growing happiness. "You're in?"

"I'm in – no matter how deep it goes."

She smiled and nodded. "Alright." She pulled on the string of her robe, letting it fall open. She looked down, and then she looked up at him. She grabbed his hands and slid them under her robe and onto her waist, keeping eye contact with him the entire time.

"Kate… are you sure?"

"You promised me you'd stay, Castle. What do I have to be worried about?"

FINE…

OR IS IT?

YOU DECIDE!