It's the anniversary of Sarah's run through the labyrinth. The goblins are busy trying to get Sarah in the celebration spirit. Sarah is just trying to get through another day. When she begins to feel that there is something more sinister at hand, she leaves Hoggle, Ludo and Sir Didymus to pick up the pieces that the goblins have left behind.
J/S 2-shot.
This is going to probably be more of a crackfic than anything. I am very sorry about that. Fluff & humor in abundance.
Happy Anniversary Labyrinth!
How many references does this have? Lets see… A Presidents of the USA quote (the band, of course - I used a line from the song Peaches), puns mildly inspired from Undertale (I do not do Sans justice, sorry), Title is from Batman the Animated Series (A song that Harley sings that is a reference to Marilyn Monroe - only slightly embarrassed by admitting this) and of course this whole fanfic is inspired off of the 1986 cult classic called Labyrinth (which I sadly do not own - that's me disclaiming it).
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"Sarprize!"
A handful of confetti rained down upon Sarah's bedsheets and fell over sleepy lump of a person beneath them.
"Urg, it's that time already?" The lump groaned.
A flock of jubilant goblins bounced at the foot of the bed. They liked her 'adult bed', it was much bouncier than her childhood bed, they had told her.
"C'mon lady," a new voice joined in followed by several others that sounded eerily similar to the first. Great. The Fiery Gang had showed up. Now she'd have to get out of bed.
Sarah promptly stuffed her head under the plushy pillows. To her dismay this did not shut out the racket that was taking place around her.
"Hey, lady!" A member of the fire gang shouted into the pillow.
She did not answer.
He continued on as if she had. "What d'ya call a chicken crossing the road?"
"What?" the goblins chimed in. They did not miss a beat.
"A poultry in motion."
Oh, great. More chicken puns. She had thought they had used up all of them last year but it seems that they had come armed with more.
"Really guys? More?" Her voice was exhausted.
"Yeah," a goblin cheered. "We just needed to re-coop."
The room joined in with an excessive amount of jokes.
"Why did a turkey cross the road?" A goblin named Gus spoke above the chaos of chicken puns.
The room exchanged confused glances. "Waits, I thoughts we were doing chickens."
Gus continued without missing a beat. "To prove that he wasn't chicken."
Sarah felt defeated. This was it. This was her life now.
"Oi, ur really ruffling my feathers."
"Don't get cocky now."
Suddenly a voice from beneath the pillows joined in. "I can't sleep with all of your squawking."
Dead silence. She could hear the hum of the air conditioner.
Perhaps she was the sort of person that just wasn't meant to tell puns, she thought.
Sarah was allowed just a second of embarrassment before the room rumbled with laughter. Then, feeling quite proud of herself, Sarah rose to take on the day.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The goblins were always the loudest on the anniversary. They would scramble throughout the house with the attention span of a goldfish. Constantly finding things to get into, destroy and move on. What was supposed to be a celebration of their friendship with Sarah was instead a living nightmare.
If only they weren't so endearing. Sarah knew that she wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from any other living creature but the creatures of the Underground. They just held her in such high esteem, always wanting to make her proud.
But Sarah knew something was different this day.
It all started when the cake she's been called to pick up the cake she had ordered. When she'd gotten to the bakery she had accepted the white box with a gleeful smile. Sarah couldn't resist a peek, and slowly lifted the lid off to reveal the cake underneath.
Her smile had shattered. With a pale face she looked up at the employee and said, "That's not it. That's not what I ordered."
Thinking that Sarah was simply a disappointed customer, the employee had tried to reassure her, but Sarah wasn't having it.
She had shoved the box back at them. Opening her wallet and fully compensating them with her money for their hard work, Sarah simply said, "I didn't ask for peaches on the cake," and left the store.
Sarah hadn't expected another thing other than the house being completely ransacked when she returned. To her surprise, everything was just as it should be. The goblins sat on the floor with their gnarled hands folded politely in their laps. They looked like scolded children.
Odd.
Possibly the strangest behavior Sarah had ever seen a goblin display.
Their meek demeanor did not last long, of course, and it wasn't long until her house began to look how she had expected it to. The television remote was sticky and the buttons refused to work, all of the hot water in the house had been used up by goblins fascinated with faucets, and Sarah had been mildly surprised to find that her bookshelf seemed untouched… That was, until she realized that a goblin had gone through and selectively folded each and every single page within each book in half.
Her patience expired.
A throbbing headache then reminded her that she had forgone caffeine today. Something which she needed more today than any other. With that thought, Sarah simply picked up her car keys and left. She said nothing. Did not shout or tell the goblins to get out. She'd tried that before. It had only frustrated her and hurt their feelings. They still did not leave.
Still, Sarah was very messed up about the fact that a goblin had folded the pages in her favorite books. So she decided that she was going to gorge on her very special occasion more-sugar-than-coffee drink.
But then she arrived at the cafe only to discover that they were sold out. Sold out. Sarah could have ordered regular coffee, but didn't feel like spending the extra money on something she had at home.
She pouted in the corner, not yet ready to leave and face the damage.
Today wasn't shaping up to be a very good anniversary. Perhaps she should play scrabble with them later. That always seemed to calm them down.
"Uh, excuse me? Miss?" A shy male voice prodded.
Sarah turned to see one of the employees. It was the one who had told her that the coffee was sold out. He had flinched when her eyes had ignited with anger, then given her a pitying smile when she had deflated and went to sulk. He was probably going to ask her to leave.
"You're lucky," he said. It caught her off guard. He placed a steaming cup of her favorite drink in front of her. "We just got a shipment."
Sarah blinked. "But - but who paid for this?"
He cocked his head towards the entrance. Sarah only caught the backside of a shadowy man leaving the cafe. It wasn't enough of a glance to recognize the man - if she knew him.
"He paid for it. Seems like someone down there likes you."
Someone down there likes you, Sarah frowned. That's not how the phrase went. Unless he was talking about the devil. She had done something very wrong if he liked her.
"Down where-" she meant to ask but he slipped away.
After a few moments, she sniffed her coffee. To make sure no one had drugged it. Then hesitantly took a sip. The sweet flavor exploded on her tongue. Sarah leaned back with a serene smile.
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"Oooh, the lady going to love this."
"-Shhh!"
"Shut up."
"No, you shut up."
"Both of you shut up."
" ... "
"... I's so excited-"
"-Shut up!"
The front door to the house opened. An oddly chipper Sarah walked in and set her purse on the floor by her feet. The goblins shifted in their place and waited anxiously for Sarah to turn around.
"I hope you guys weren't too bored while I was gone," she said as she locked the front door.
"Not at all," a goofy deep voice answered. The other goblins shushed him.
Sarah turned to face them. "Good 'cause I-" Her eyes widened. "Oh, my god." She blinked in shock. "What did you guys do?" Sarah slowly approached them.
"We baked yous a cake."
"You didn't get us one…"
"... So we made you one."
The kitchen was filled with smoke. A heavy fog drifted out of the room and filled the hallway and the livingroom. Sarah grimly entered the kitchen. An overpowering smell of something burnt invaded her nostrils. Her eyes stung and she waved the smoke away from her face.
"You guys…" She said.
"We's tried hard, lady." A goblin spoke meekly.
"Didn't know how to use oven, so we set it on fire. Seemed to work jus' fine after that." One of them shrugged.
Cake batter was splattered across the usually spotless white walls. Many of the fridge's contents were abandoned on the tiled floor. Sarah tried to ignore the enormous giant lump of coal that was her stove. How they had safely contained the fire to just her stove, Sarah would never know, but she wasn't sure if she should even be grateful for it.
That was more money down the drain.
Sarah slim pale fingers reached up and covered her face. She alternated between massaging her temples and wiping the smoke from her eyes.
"I need a drink." She said. Strangely, a calmness settled over Sarah.
"Uh oh."
"Lady mad."
"She's not yelling…"
"She's passed the point of yelling like what Kingy says to us." One whispered.
"Kingy's always yelling when he says that."
Sarah sat down at the dining table.
"My lady," a cheery voice called from the other room. "My lady? What is this…? Do not fear, my lady! I shall save thee from the dragons grasps!"
"There ain't no dragon here. Sarah?" A dwarf called out.
"Smoke." A booming voice observed.
Her three friends appeared in the doorway with shocked faces. They took in the submissive faces of the goblins and the shocked face of Sarah.
"Worry not, m'lady! I shall fix this… Somehow." Sir Didymus blinked. It was clear he was at a loss, too. While it was not uncommon for goblins to burn things down, they had never dared to do so at Sarah's house before. Giving her a certain respect that they usually only reserved for their king.
However, deep down inside her, underneath the shock and molten hot anger, Sarah knew their intentions were not impure.
She stepped outside, leaving Hoggle, Didymus and Ludo to deal with the wreck of her kitchen.
Lingering on the porch, Sarah briefly considered taking up smoking. She shook her head. The front door opened behind her. She turned to see Hoggle poking his head out, careful not to expose himself to the outside world of mortals.
"Sarah. We, uh, found a way to fix ur kitchen. It'll take a bit." He shrugged.
"I don't care. Do whatever. I can't afford to fix it myself."
The dwarf nodded.
"Hoggle?"
"Yeahs?"
"Thank you."
ಠ_ಠ
Sarah was still standing on the porch when the postal service pulled up. She frowned. It was an unusual time for them to deliver.
A man in standard blueish uniform pulled a box out from the back of the truck and approached her with a disarming smile. He must be able to read her bad mood from all the way over there.
"A package for Ms. Sarah Williams?"
She was taken aback. "Oh." It took both of her hands to hold it. The box was heavy and wide and somehow did not have the sender's address on it.
"Also, there's one more thing in my truck." He left her alone for a moment to ponder what was inside the box as he went to grab something from the back of his truck.
The deliveryman returned with a bouquet of flowers. Sarah placed the box on the porch near her feet and grabbed the flowers, surprised by their weight, she took a closer look at them.
They weren't flowers.
It was peaches. Hundreds of peaches.
Peaches chopped, cut and shaped into different sorts of flowers. Some had been expertly modeled after roses, some tulips, and some even looked like orchids. The tangy smell reached her nose and she had to keep from gagging. She hadn't eaten a peach in a very long time.
"Sign here, please." The man pushed the clipboard in her free hand.
"Could you-?" She raised the flower shaped peaches
"Uh, sure." He grabbed them and waited patiently for her to sign.
They fell into silence.
He whistled a toon. Then broke off and said, "So, nice weather we're having, huh?"
"Yeah. Summertime." Sarah pursed her lips as she signed.
"Good time to go golfing." He acknowledged. "You like golfing?"
"Not my thing." She shook her head and politely handed the clipboard back to him. He exchanged it for the flowers.
"Well, you have a good day Ms." He said and wasted not a second leaving.
Sarah was left on the porch with peachy flowers and a mysterious package. Deciding not to enter the house (as she was sure she could hear the sound of a power drill droning on inside), she sunk down on her knees and pulled out her car keys to cut open the box. Prying the cardboard apart she was surprised to see a wooden crate. The wood was splintery and rough. She used the edges of her shirt to protect her hands as she opened the crate.
Inside the crate was thankfully not flowers - but unfortunately it was peaches. Lots of peaches. Millions of peaches. Peaches for free.
Sarah's lip curled in distaste.
It was filled to the brim with ripened peaches. The fruit was red with a tinge of yellow and her mouth watered at the thought of the tangy taste. Briefly, Sarah considered sinking her teeth into the juicy fruit - then blinked and came back to herself.
She did not eat peaches Sarah remembered as she sat on the porch completely surrounded by them. Her eyes caught a glance of a sheet of paper partially hidden between two round peaches. Hesitantly, she reached out to pull it from the crate.
Sarah avoided reading the letter too soon. Her stomach gave an anxious flutter. She had an idea of where the peaches came from. If she was right, well, then it was quite a rude present.
She held her breath as she unfolded the paper. It revealed loopy ink - handwriting that was entirely too formal for a letter that had been shoved in such a homely crate. Squinting to interpret the calligraphy, she read the letter.
Dearest Sarah,
It has come to my attention that today marks the anniversary of your run through my labyrinth. I am aware that the goblins have been in the habit of celebrating this day with you - which is something that I have allowed up till this point. However, since I am feeling quite nostalgic over the number thirteen, and this day marks thirteen years since we came into acquaintance, I would like to invite you to dine with me tonight instead of spending the evening cleaning up after my subjects.
Please consider this, Sarah. Treat yourself.
-Jareth, the King of the Goblins
Sarah blinked and scanned the letter again. An address was attached - it was to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. Weird that the goblin king was familiar with the aboveground restaurants near her…
Wait. Did the goblin king really just invite her out to dinner? After all these years with not a word from him even after her sending him a birthday present?
Perhaps it had taken this long for him to get used to the idea of a labyrinth champion, she thought.
Still, she had pretty much put the idea of him behind her, accepting the fact that they might never reconcile their differences. When she was eighteen, Irene had taught her how to knit, and Sarah decided to make a blanket. Knowing of the King's approaching birthday and the freezing weather during winter in the labyrinth - Sarah had sent the gift his way with a letter attached. She'd asked him for a truce. He never sent a letter back.
The goblins had told her that he had glanced over the blanket and letter with a look of distaste before setting them aside and ignoring them. The next day it was gone and none of them had seen it since. She'd been hurt by that and hadn't tried to contact him since.
Irene had been put out when Sarah soon after lost her zeal for knitting. Instead, she'd turned back to her books and studying plays again.
The front door swung open behind her, startling her into dropping the letter back into the crate. Hoggle was standing there, gasping for air. "Ugh, Sarah. We, uhs, got a problem."
Cackling, followed by a scream emitted from inside the house.
Ludo appeared in the doorway. "Iron bad." He added.
Sarah rolled her eyes. "Great, did Gus get the frying pan stuck on their head again?"
Ludo nodded slowly.
"I told him not to mess with it," Sarah growled and abandoned the crate of peaches on the porch.
Another scream. Then the words, "I'm melting," sounded from behind Hoggle and Ludo.
(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง
She'd left the peaches on the porch and had invited the goblins to 'dig in'. There was no way she'd ever eat one of those again. Nope. Sarah had learned her lesson the first time.
She had sat and debated on whether she should stand the goblin king up or not. It would be quite rude, but she was still a bit miffed at him… Sarah weighed the pros and cons in her head.
Pros:
Possibly free dinner at the classiest restaurant around.
She could order the most expensive item on the menu… And add wine to it.
She'd have an excuse to leave the house and stop babysitting the goblins.
She could interrogate the Goblin King.
Perhaps she could show the Goblin King on what he was missing out on-
No. No no no. Sarah shook that thought out of her head. She was not going to go there to flirt - or gloat - or seduce. It was certainly not a date and she would not be the one trying to impress him.
Nope. She was not interested in him at all. Especially not that way...
Okay. Cons. Cons is what she needed to think of right now.
Cons:
Jareth.
Jareth was there.
Jareth would be sitting across from her silently judging.
Jareth probably remembers your sorry excuse for a blanket…
Jareth would probably be wearing very tight pants.
Jareth's pants.
Pants. Or were they leggings or tights?
Well, they certainly were tight.
"Oh goodness gracious." Sarah cried. Was that really what she was thinking about right now?
Sighing, and admitting defeat, she sat down and pulled out her makeup. Once she had calmed she began to ready herself for her date-
-Er, professional dinner. Very platonic. Not a date. Just a dinner. Sarah tried to crush the hope inside her chest.
"Not a date," she said aloud. "Just a dinner..."
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The 2nd chapter to this will come tomorrow! This would have been a little long if I had combined it together - so I had pity on you guys and decided to pace myself, lol. Also, Gus makes a cameo in this story. A goblin from my very first labyrinth one-shot. ;) He also appears in Menace. Kudos if you caught that.
I hope you enjoyed it thus far! Please don't forget to favorite and review! That's the only way I can make my living off of writing fan fiction, lol.
