One day, a very wet and crabby hobbit arrived in Rivendell. What he didn't realise is that it was a day with a 'ë' in it, which means 'party time' in Elvish.

The Hobbit stepped timidly up to the great dwelling, in awe of its beauty and grandeur, just as an elf stepped out and was sick all over his feet. He began to wonder just what this place was, his guide books had mentioned the architecture, but no vomit, shining and Elven though it might be

"Oh, great." said Balin from behind him. "Another *khuzdul here* party. Well I'm off to bed."

Bilbo looked nervously around, afraid it was going to be awkward, he didn't know anyone, after all, and they had arrived late. Just then, two incredibly lovely elves came out of the building.

"Hi, I'm Mariwen" said one

"And I'm Suiel" said the other.

"You're a halfling, aren't you?" they giggled

"Um... yes." Bilbo smiled nervously, quite taken with their skimpy outfits

"Oh." Mariwen grabbed Suiel's arm and led her away "Valar, where's Legolas got to?"

"Never mind that, now" hissed Suiel, nodding her head in Bilbo's direction,  "air-hay eet-fay" she giggled at Mariwen, in some high Elvish tongue Bilbo did not understand.

He blushed anyway, hoping it was complimentary, and shuffled further in, immediately being grabbed by a drunken (presumably) male Elf, whose lipgloss had smeared terribly, "Mae... *hic* Govannen... here, 'ave a drin'.."

Wondering what strange Elvish dialect this was, he took one sip of the clear and beautiful scented beverage, and immediately became rather inebriated. It seemed the Elves brewed a powerful drink, something about "imported" was around the neck of the bottle, although the tengwar letters were rather smudged. Or maybe that was just his eyes.

Still, the party was looking up. Speaking of looking up, everyone here was Elven-tall, and he was starting to get dizzy, as a precaution, he made his way to a wall, hoping for support. He found it, in the shape of Mariwen and Suiel, who were trying desperately to get him to do... something, he couldn't work out what. He discerned by their wavy hand gestures that this was something concerning the bottle he was holding and their bodice laces, quite what still hadn't clicked, due to a fog initiated by the former and reinforced by the latter that engulfed his mind

Just then, someone shouted "Hey, the Birthday nessi's here!"

The entire room broke out in tumultuous applause.

A vision, yea, no, 'twas real, in pale leather and laces entered the smoky room, the air pirouetting away from her in intoxicating trails, he felt his mouth go dry, and immediately administered more of the strange liquid to it.

"Tinuviel... Tinuviel..." Bilbo shouted, using the Hobbit slang for 'sexy'

She turned, suddenly, a light of sparkling alcoholic beverages in her eyes, and saw him, there was a brief, sweet pause, and she flashed him a wink that would've made Eru think wrong, wrong things.

He walked - or should that be meandered - up to her, giving her the traditional elvish greeting ' Gîl síla erin lû 'ovaded lín,' meaning 'What's a fair maiden such as you doing in a dwelling such as this?'

She hiccupped slightly, and giggled, "I'm jusht having a little party... Daddy's away, you see."

Bilbo found himself giggling too, even though it wasn't remotely funny.

"Really? Well... Isht's a verrry verry good par'y," he said

"You really think so? I was worried-" and at this point she laughed seductively- "no one would ...enjoy... themselves..."

Bilbo flushed, and took another swig of the alcohol. Seeing this made the maiden laugh even more.

He toyed with a strand of her hair that had somehow made it into his chubby hand "Um... are you *enjoying* yourself, I mean, it's your party and all.."

"Well... it could be /more/ enjoyable..." she said, running her hand through his curly brown locks.

He swallowed... this was looking... interesting. "Ah... you... ah.. um." He looked down and blushed more, noticing a certain embarassing side effect to sitting next to a rather tipsy Elven Maid "I... ah... I've noticed you around..."

"Really?" she laughed, teasing him, "And here I was thinking you'd just arrived..."

"You... ah, have haunted my dreams for many years, for are you not a sweet goddess?"

She laughed wildly. "If I had wanted elvish compliments, I would have chosen one of the ponces who live here." she seized his arm. "Now, tell me," she said, her face mere milimetres from his "Is it true what they say about hair feet?"

"Well..." said Bilbo, his face a darker crimson than the hawaiian parrot decorations "I suppose it is"

"Really...?" Her voice was breathy and heated "Could I be so bold as to... investigate?"