Nevermore!
A/N: This is kind of a parody of all those fics where Sasuke is referred to as "the raven". That said, certain parts of this fic are quite vulgar and have no redeeming social value whatsoever. It's all crack anyway. Please don't take anything seriously. There are no actual pairings, and hints of about a bajillion different possible pairings… I suppose anything could be there if you squint and look at it sideways.
Warnings: OOC-ness, violence, language, and sexual innuendo. There are mentions of M/F, M/M, and F/F situations, and a bunch of other stuff that is mostly Sai and Kakashi's fault.
Chapter 1: In the beginning, there was Sasuke. And Sasuke said, "Please let there not be mysterious golden lights that do bad things to me." But alas, he was ignored.
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In the end, it was Sakura who completed the final push to bring Sasuke back home. Against Naruto's newfound strength, Uchiha Sasuke knew he was outmatched, but he had expected to be dragged back unconscious, and perhaps missing a few teeth and/or pints of blood.
However many times he had played and replayed the possible scenarios through his mind, he had never expected that it would be Haruno Sakura, the easily ignored annoying weak girl with the screeching voice and the delicious homemade bento lunches, who would stalk up to him while he was injured, eyes flashing like hellfire. Or that she would grab him by the ear like a naughty schoolboy and drag him back home, literally pulling him through the muddy forest floor as he kicked and screamed all the way.
Pink was such a soft, deceiving color. So pretty, and perky, and evil incarnate. Sasuke had clearly underestimated the enemy. Needless to say, his dignity, as well as his clothes, had been left in tattered shreds.
Coming back to Konoha barely able to stand was one thing, but having a roaring mob greet him and swoon over his bloodied, naked backside was another. Somehow, though he could have very easily brought himself to kill his teammates when he left, he couldn't bring himself to hate them now, even if they were probably the ones who planned his eternal torment at the hands of rabid fangirls. For some reason, being branded as a traitor just added to his "bad boy" allure.
He deserved every punishment they gave him, and he got it. What he didn't deserve was a second chance, but he got that, too.
Sometimes he resented that they didn't want him back as a permanent member of the team. He resented becoming the replacement that was only called in to join Team Seven when Kakashi was gone on a solo mission or one of the others was sick. After all, wasn't it that Sai idiot who was the replacement?
Sasuke tried not to think about how Sai had actually been with the team for far longer than he had. Sai with his blank, mocking eyes like black holes, which Sasuke thought had an expression (or lack thereof) that more or less said Haha-I'm-In-Your-Team-Stealing-Your-Bitches.
Overall, except for that Sai bastard who Sasuke refused to acknowledge, life was pretty good.
Currently, dawn was breaking as Sasuke headed back to Konoha from his solo spy mission. He had been stationed around Amegakure for the better part of a month, having to listen in on a bunch of whiny Rain ninjas whine and whine for hours each day in order to check out a vague rumor that they were planning to sabotage the next Chuunin exams, which, as it turns out, they actually weren't. In a strange turn of events, it appeared that, for once in the history of the universe, Rain wasn't to blame for everything, despite their longstanding feud with Konoha.
He was so close to home. It would be good to be back.
Sasuke ran along the treetops, tired and aching from the long trek. It wasn't just his muscles, but his Sharingan as well that had been strained during the long mission. When he stopped in a clearing to refill his water supply by the small stream, he heard a suspicious rustling coming from the bushes behind him. As a skilled shinobi, he could sense the presence of the enemy and prepared for an ambush.
Continuing to fill his water canteen, Sasuke pretended to be unaware while readying his kunai. In a flash, he spun around and loosed his weapons into the vegetation to a satisfying spurt of blood less than a second later.
"Hmph," Sasuke smirked. The gurgling sounds coming from the bush meant that he'd managed to get the enemy nin in the neck, and now the poor sod was choking to death on his own blood. There would be more opponents in the trees, so there was no time to relax. While it would have been very useful to employ his Sharingan in this situation, Sasuke knew he had already overtaxed his eyes, so he drew his katana instead. In the familiar forest terrain of his homeland, these enemies had no chance against him.
Just as he was about to leap into the trees, however, a strange glow encased his lower legs. Sasuke looked down to see himself suddenly standing in an intricately patterned golden sealing circle. Seals were a Very Bad Thing; as Kyuubi could attest to, being forced to listen to Naruto constantly waxing poetic about ramen for nearly two decades was not a very pleasant experience.
Sasuke found that he couldn't move his legs at all, and worse still, he had no idea what this thing was going to do to him. The enemy in the trees, who must have been casting the seal as soon as Sasuke kneeled down by the stream, stepped out of his cover. And oh, who would have guessed? It was a Rain ninja who must have followed him back somehow. It seemed that everything was indeed Rain's fault after all.
The bastard in question chuckled in an annoyingly reedy voice that resembled Shikamaru with a stuffy nose. Sasuke duly noted that he also looked like an older, much uglier Shikamaru who may or may not have spent five years on a stretching rack, so wobbly and ungainly were his limbs.
"Well, well… It looks like I've caught myself an Uchiha. Spying on us, were you? How about I take your eyes for that, hmm?" Shikamaru's Evil Twin completed his seal with a few more hand symbols, and Sasuke immediately felt a painful prickling sensation in his chest.
"Heeheehee! This seal will trap you into your Soul Animal. Wouldn't it be ironic if the feared Uchiha brat was a cuddly little kitten? Perhaps a little doggy? Oh, I'm such a genius-- Aaah!"
Sasuke thanked whatever deities were looking after him that it was a proven fact that villains liked to gloat. With the last of his strength, he threw his katana in a perfect arc toward his preening opponent. Sasuke gave one last bloodthirsty grin as the sharp steel sliced cleanly through flesh and the enemy ninja's wobbly left leg snapped like a twig. Now the idiot would be easily captured and questioned by Konoha's patrol.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe as the golden glow encased his entire body. Panting, he barely heard the screaming as the other man tried to crawl away. Sasuke fell to the ground and shut his eyes, feeling his bones painfully reshape themselves.
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He must have passed out from the pain and exhaustion, because when opened his eyes again, the enemy nin was nothing more than a severed leg and a bloody streak leading back into the forest. Sasuke, now much smaller, struggled to get out of the giant folds of cloth that had once fit him.
He looked down at himself and saw black feathers and…dear lord, were those webbed feet?! He shuffled toward the stream as fast as his stubby legs could carry him and peered down into the water.
He was a duck. A black duck. A mighty handsome black duck, but a duck nonetheless.
Staring in abject horror at his new appearance, Sasuke didn't notice the raven that swooped down onto his discarded clothes, picking through his supplies. Having found a magnificent Shiny Thing, it let out an ear-piercing caw of happiness.
Sasuke turned around to see the raven carrying one of his shuriken in its beak.
"Quack!" Sasuke the Duck puffed out his feathers and waddled up to the intruder, challenging the raven for the shuriken.
"Caw!" The raven dropped the weapon, only to fly up and peck Sasuke in the head. Nearly taking the duck's eye out, the raven cawed triumphantly and continued its abusive pecking. Cursing his useless bill, Sasuke was forced into a strategic retreat while the sneaky raven returned to pick up the shuriken once more.
It was at this time that Genma and Raidou, who were out on patrol, burst into the clearing. Raidou stood back, carrying the bloody mess of Shikamaru's Evil Twin over his shoulder while Genma headed over to the pile of clothes. Their sudden appearance sent the raven flying, shuriken still in its beak.
"Oi, Raidou, d'you think he was telling the truth about the seal? I mean, this is definitely Uchiha's stuff, but he's not here."
"Quack!" Sasuke called out. They ignored him.
"Dunno. We'll take this guy back and let Ibiki break him some more."
"Oh, shit! That raven!"
"Whoa. You don't think…"
"Yeah! Yeah, that raven must be the Uchiha kid. Man, he's a tough one! Being transformed into a bird and still flying back into Konoha with a shuriken in his beak!" Genma whistled around his senbon in appreciation of Sasuke's apparent resilience.
"Quack!" A grave misunderstanding had just occurred, and all Sasuke could do was quack. He was subsequently ignored.
Genma picked up Sasuke's belongings and the two jounin were off. Not quite trusting himself to fly yet, the disgruntled water fowl hopped into the stream and paddled his way toward Konoha.
