"I could say,
It wasn't always this way,
But that would be a lie. I've only just started noticing just how bad it really is.
I used to just do what I needed to.
Shove my feelings away.
Do what I thought I had to.
But then...,
I broke.
Everything I built over the years crumbled. For the first time,
I saw myself for what I was.
And that,
Is what broke me completely...
I've been trying to put the pieces back.
But they won't seem to fit.
I can't help but wonder,
Why bother?
It'll just crumble again..."
Gaara looked up from typing in his phone. He felt a little bit better after writing.
In the last few months especially, he's grown to learn quite a bit about himself. Including things because of his ex, he repressed. A sigh escapes his barely parted lips as he forces himself to get off the couch and go upstairs. After stopping in his room to pick up his pajamas, he wanders over to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly. Before undressing, he regards himself in the mirror. Messy red hair, tired green eyes, expressionless face. He sighs again before taking a shower.
He doesn't take long, toweling off and putting boxers and a large t-shirt on. He wanders aimlessly around his apartment, not quite tired, just restless.
Sitting on the couch, the apartment silent, he listened to what was going on in his head.
Truth be told, he has disassociative identity disorder. He has four alters, three female and one male. And then there's him. Anymore, he can't really discern who's who. He seems to stay pretty disassociated. He rarely comes out of his own head, letting the others deal with pretty much everything for him. He doesn't want to be alive, but he can't seem to die, no matter how hard he tries. So he's mostly resigned himself to living, though he doesn't treat his shell very well.
He's got clinical depression as well, which may be why he can't find anything interesting. He can't seem to care about that either though, it always comes back to "what's the point?". The others though, except for one, seem to want to live. They give off the illusion of him being fine, maybe even content.
It's not like he cares about that either.
His alters are conversing amongst themselves, Drew and Bo are sitting on the couch in the living room area, both are smiling, he doesn't bother listening to their conversation. Flaire is sitting by herself in the chair, looking bored as usual. Ruby is no where in sight, which is also normal for her.
Bored, he walks into his own room, Drew or Bo will likely take the reins, so to speak, leaving him to do as he likes. Sometimes, he's aware of what they do, sometimes they'll tell him or show him later, other times, he's completely unaware of what goes on. Either way, he really doesn't care much. Nothing matters to him, except for keeping his apartment.
Yawning, he flops on to his bed, closing his eyes. He doesn't sleep, instead, just thinking further.
His ex fucked him over pretty bad. That relationship ended over a year ago, but he's still feeling the effects. For some inconceivable reason, he had gone out with Sai. Despite telling Sai about his gender, sexual orientation, DID, and depression, it was all largely brushed off and ignored. Sai all but forced him into therapy for his anger and depression though, encouraging him to try medication despite his misgivings about it. As usual, Gaara had gone along with it, if only to make him shut up. Hell, he did that in almost every aspect of their relationship. Sai didn't want to understand, he didn't want to even try, no matter how Gaara attempted to help him.
The red head had brought up having DID to his therapist early on, she said she didn't think he had it and Gaara had told Sai of what she said and the other male insisted he didn't really have it either. So..., he ignored his alters, he pretended they didn't exist. They did though, and continued helping him, even if he tried to convince himself they didn't exist. The first medication he was put on, took away his ability to feel anything. Sai was happy though, Gaara didn't have anymore angry outbursts at his video games. His anxiety got better, and for a while, so did his depression. He couldn't write though, he couldn't feel anything. Honestly, he felt therapy wasn't helping and ceased attendance and taking the meds. He felt immensely better after he stopped taking them. He felt like himself again.
Sai bitched about it, questioning him, Gaara tried to explain but Sai just insisted he needed to go back to therapy.
A year and eight months, he was with Sai, his longest relationship to date. During that time, he attempted suicide three times. Sai was completely unaware, each time. He still doesn't know.
Even so, since then, his depression has still worsened and he still wants to commit suicide.
It's like he wrote earlier, nothing's really gotten better or likely ever will.
Over another year passed before he acknowledged his alters again. He even discovered a fourth, Drew. A lot has changed, but at the same time, it hasn't. He's just aware of it now. He's honestly just waiting to die, but nothing seems to work.
He withdraws from his head, carrying his tired shell up the stairs where he collapses onto his bed. With one eye open, he manages to turn his xbox on and set it to play something on Netflix. He plugs his phone in, nearly falling asleep and missing the port a few times, before laying his head back on the pillow and promptly passing out.
Yeah..., not much has changed, nor does he think it ever will.
