Chapter 1: Homecoming

It had been months since Id made the long drive to Forks. The bitter wind whipped through my window, stinging my eyes and lashing strands of hair around my face and neck. I was determined to stay awake. I willed my eyes to keep open and ignored the daunting freeway signs that reminded me a restful night was only one exit away. It wouldn't make a difference, bed or no bed; there was no rational way that I would be able to sleep, not now. My mission was clear: Get to Jacob. Make him understand. The last week of the fall semester had stretched endlessly with my latest epiphany looming over me. I found it hard to sit still or hold a thought in my head. College life had not suited me. Mainly, it was the aching in my chest due to the large piece of my heart I left behind in La Push. For five agonizing months, I hadn't been able to take a deep breath without exhaling tears of regret. Always on the verge of crumbling, so fragile, cracked glass, awaiting the slightest amount of pressure, to give way into a thousand tiny shards. And it was ALL. My. Fault.

After graduation, the sensible side of me decided it would be best to move immediately to Seattle and get a summer job. Charlie had insisted that due to my receiving a scholarship at the last minute, the funds he had set aside for my college education would go to pay for my monthly expenses. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I would be lucky if that covered rent for 2 months. Charlie was painfully unaware of the cost-of-living anywhere other than Forks. I got hired at a quaint little used bookstore right off campus. The hours would be just enough to fulfill my financial obligations, all the while keeping me distracted from the one thing that I so desperately did not want to think about… my epiphany. My last night in Forks was spent in Jacobs's garage. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. Angela and Ben insisted that I go out for a last hoorah, I didn't need some futile display of a goodbye party. This was all I needed. Calm, warm, completely stress free Jacob.

He was shirtless, sweaty, and oily from having just pushed himself out from underneath his Rabbit. His black shirt dangled from the back pocket of his jeans and loose pieces of his raven hair hung soft in his face. He was bent over the exposed engine; one hand gripping the top of the hood, the other lingering on different pieces of dirty metal. Every few seconds he would stand and mumble some frustration and wipe the back of his hand across his forehead. I watched in awe. How had I managed to cling to some silly delusion that Jacob Black was just a boy for so long? How many nights had I sat in this very spot and watched this shirtless, muscular, bronze God tinker with his car? It was, however, on this night that I felt my heart-rate quicken with each subtle movement he made, and how with those movements, the muscles in his long arms reacted. He twisted and shifted his weight from one foot to the other and my pulse raced watching his abs contract with the movement. As I silently gawked at his beauty, he stood for the umpteenth time to wipe the sweat from his brow. I stared at the newly discovered ripples on his abdomen, and I began to drag my eyes upward… only to find that Jacob was patiently waiting for my eyes to meet his. My breath caught. The burn in my cheeks scorched as I realized he knew exactly where my mind had been. His breathing became heavy and I found myself glancing to watch the rise and fall of his chest and back to his piercing stare. It was only a moment, and it was also an eternity. So much passed between us in that wordless exchange. He didn't move and inch and neither did I. The silence grew thick with the electricity passing between us. Suddenly, my eyes began to sting and I realized I hadn't blinked in probably 30 seconds. I fluttered my lashes to push back the involuntary tears, simultaneously breaking the spell that we had both been under. Jacob shook his head and cleared his throat. He smiled impishly and ran his had through his hair and stole another glance at me from under his impossible lashes. I smiled back and stood, " Did you wa..I mean uh…I was go-gonna to get a drink, you want one?" I bit my tongue at how foolish I must have sounded. Jacob reached for the shirt hanging from his back pocket and began to shuffle it up his arms , he ducked his head into the opening and slid the shirt all the way on.

" Ya, thanks Bells, that'd be great." He turned once again to his engine without a second glance in my direction. Once out of the confines of the garage, I let out a deep breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. I was mortified at myself! As I clumsily made my way through the wet bracken, my mind slowly began to wander back to Jacob…to the dip that formed in his abdomen right above the waist of his jeans…the line that divided his two heaving pectoral muscles down the center…the muscle that snaked around his forearms…his eyes.. his eyes. The smoldering in his lust-filled coffee colored eyes. And the love. pure unconditional love that poured out from deep inside them. As I reached Jacobs porch, I lifted my foot in anticipation of the first step and underestimated its distance, kicking it instead " shit.". My shoe squeaked down the front and I landed on my hands. It came with that sudden jolt, " Oh my God," I whispered to myself in the darkness. I...love…him...the words came slowly trudging one by one into my head. Each of them ringing with their own truth. And then…the gaping whole that had shredded my heart in two, closed itself, and all that remained was a tiny fissure of my now whole heart.

Even in memory, the intense moment in Jake's garage 5 months ago caused my heart to speed, and my cheeks to flush even with no one around to witness. I never returned with the drinks that night. Instead, I got to my feet in the rain and ran to my truck and sped out of La Push out of Jacob Blacks life.

I watched the sunrise the next morning form the driver side of my truck as I barreled toward Seattle. Jake called non-stop. He emailed twice a day. Wrote once a week. Begging for answers. Like the coward I was that night, I never returned any of his attempts to contact me. There was always a test to study for, a paper to write, an extra shift to pick up. I had plenty of excuses to feed my guilty conscience. However, I only went through the motions of it all. Like a robot I did what was asked and required of me, never complaining. but never enjoying either. The night finals ended, the campus was alive with excitement as parties broke out all over the dorms. Having remained unsocial all semester, I wasn't on the top of anyone's invite list. And for the first time since that fateful night, I was left with nothing to do but think. I sat perched on the edge of my bed and squeezed my eyes tight to force my memories of Jacob out of the forefront. Jacob on the beach… Jacob laughing… Jacob eating… Jacob running, Jacob phasing, Jacob hurting. In a moment of inspiration, I discarded my dresser drawers into a duffle bag, grabbed my toiletries and ran for my truck. I was going to tell him. He needed to know. I needed him to know. I needed him. Maybe it was all the celebrating around me that made me wish I had someone to share it with, or the god awful loneliness of my empty dorm. Whatever it was, I decided there and then, that Jacob Black had suffered one too many times over my fickle behavior. It would be my personal mission in life, that the only emotion he ever felt as a direct result of my presence in his life, would be bliss… .

I shook my head to pull myself out of my reverie. Focus Bella. Nodding my head in a swift jerk, I pressed my lips into a thin line and led my truck carefully through the twists and bends of the road that led into Forks

--------- A/N: I intend for this to be a fairly lengthy story, so bear with slower pace. This is my first fanfic...please please review so I can get and idea how you all feel about it. The more reviews I receive, the more I will write. The story is in your hands! Thanks!