He rubbed the back of the gamer, his friend, who was currently lying on his chest, half asleep. "Mattie?"

"Hmm?" Matt lifted his head to look up at the blond. "What's wrong, Mel?"

"Mm, nothing. Just curious if you were asleep or not," Mello responded.

"Oh." The gamer settled back down. After a few minutes of silence, he said, "Mihael, do you love me?"

"'Course I love you, Mail. You're my only one. My best friend," the blond insisted.

Matt sighed as he let Mello lace their fingers together. If that's the truth, then why does my heart hurt so much…?


"Mello."

Just the voice made me cringe. That voice, that was convincing me to lie to my best friend. If Matt knew about Near and I…God, it would tear him apart. I've seen him come close before, but I swore to myself I'd never be the cause of it. I'd murder anyone who did…but if I killed myself it would hurt him, too.

"Near, what is it? What do you want?" I said, hating myself for every word. I knew what the bastard wanted.

"You."

Me. Plain and simple. I seem to be a prize in this place. Girls wanna be fucked by me. Guys wanna fuck me. Hell, guys even wanna be fucked by me. Apparently, this little bastard falls into that last category.

"Where were you yesterday, Mello? I missed you."

Missed me? We're not even together! I'm with Matt, for Christ's sake! Oh, God. Matt…now I feel sick.

"Come on." Near led me to the broom closet we always went to. As soon as the door shut, he pulled me against him roughly. "Fuck me, Mello," he breathed, thrusting his hips against mine.

I groaned, not because it felt good, no. I've know from the time I took his virginity that this didn't feel good. It felt so…wrong. More wrong than a man fucking a child, more wrong than incest. It was wrong because I was hurting Matt. Not physically, but emotionally. They say what people don't know won't hurt them, but… I know it will when they find out. I grabbed him, this bastard that's ruining my life, and slammed him against the floor. Within seconds, he'd pulled me out. I was limp, of course. How could I be hard when he's…when he's not…Matt?

"Oh, are you scared you'll hurt me?" he said, in that sickly, sweet voice he uses when it's just us.

"Yeah," I lied.

"I've taken it dry every time and I'm not hurt yet," he crooned as he started jerking me off.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say," I replied, propping myself up on my hands and knees. We don't do foreplay, he's tried and I refused. I'll only do that with the one I love, otherwise, it's just straight fucking.

"Mello?" Near said suddenly, as his pace increased dramatically.

Much as I hated myself, I began thrusting forward to meet him halfway. "What?"

"I know I've asked you this before, but…Why are you with Matt?"

I growled. I'm tired of that damn question! "Because," I ground out, jerking his hand away. "I love him." I jerked Near's pants down and flipped him over onto his hands and knees before I slammed into him, hard.

"Nngha!" he cried out, letting his neck go limp. "I thought so…"

When we'd finished and were leaving the closet, Near spoke again.

"If you love him, then, why are you with me?" he said quietly.

Before I could answer, he walked off, leaving me alone.


Something wasn't right. I could feel it. Problem was, it's one of three things. A)Something's wrong, B)Mello's done something stupid, or C)Both. I really hoped it wasn't C because, well that was the worst of the three. I was practically running through people find him. Where was he? Where was he! "Oof!" I felt something plow me into the wall, knocking the wind from me. Lips pressed against mine in a frenzied passion. My first thought was Mello, but that left instantly. When Mello starts things, he ends up topping and being that desperate would hurt me. I opened my eyes (closing them was my natural reaction to anyone or anything hitting me) to see, not Mello, but Near. "Fuck!" I tried to push him away.

Near's hand slid into my pants, and boxers, and he started jerking me off.

"Nngh!" I moaned, biting my lip until it bled.

He leaned up, still jerking me off, and licked the blood from my lips. He put his mouth near my ear and breathed, "Fuck me, Matt."

"Ugh," I groaned. I didn't…want to. But…I…ngha…needed it. Mello was right when he said I was a whore, even if he was joking. All it took was a few seconds, touching the right place…and I was putty. "Ok-kay," I panted.

In less than a second, his hand left my pants and he was dragging me into a broom closet. He shut the door and said, "Doggy-style, no preparations?"

I nodded. I don't think I could have lasted through prep.

He undid his pants and, letting them fall around his ankles, got on his hands and knees.

The sight almost made me come right there.

##############################################################################

A few weeks later…

I can't believe I did that. God, it makes me sick to think that I betrayed my best friend. And I was asking him if I was his only one.

"Hey, Mattie?" Mello looped his arm around my waist from behind, nuzzling against my neck. "Ya wanna make love?"

"I-I don't really feel like it," I managed weakly.

Mello pulled back and looked at me curiously. "Don't…feel…like…it?" he said quietly.

I shook my head. "Mm-mm."

He pushed my bangs aside and touched my forehead gently. "Well, you don't feel like you have a fever," he said. "Are you feeling sick to your stomach?"

I swallowed hard. Yeah. That about covered it. I nodded.

Mello sighed and kissed my forehead gently. "M'kay, well, let's get you to bed then, hmm?" He got up and pulled me, by the wrist, to my feet and led me back to his room.

I sat down on the bed and, with my elbows on my knees, let my head fall into my hands.

"Matt…" Mello shut the door and came over and sat down next to me, beginning to rub my back gently. "You really don't feel well, do you?"

I bit my lip to keep back a sob. It hurt to know that every second I kept quiet, I was betraying him. And there he was, worrying about me.

"Matt," he said again, before leaning over and kissing me on the top of my head. "I'm sorry you feel so bad."

I lost what little control I had right then and started sobbing.

"Matt!" Mello cried, concern in his voice. "Why're you crying? Mattie? Mattie!" He squeezed my shoulder gently. When he tried to hug me, though, I pulled away from him.

"Mattie?"

Great. Now he just sounded hurt. That just made me feel worse.

"What's wrong? Really, I'm worried about you," he said.

"You shouldn't be," I replied through my tears.

"What! Why shouldn't I worry about my Mattie?"

"Because I'm not worth it."

"Matt, what the hell are you saying?" he cried angrily. "Of course you're worth it."

"No. I'm not. I'm not worth your concern if I'd so easily betray you," I insisted.

"Betray me? What're you-"

"I fucked Near a few weeks ago," I whimpered. I cringed, expecting Mello to slap me, to punch me, kick me, yell at me, or cuss me out. But he did none of that.

Instead, he looked away in embarrassment and said quietly, "Since we're confessing, can I say something?" He waited, and when I didn't answer he went on. "I've been fucking Near for the past month and a half."

I froze in shock. But Mello said he loved me, and only me. Why…why would he… I couldn't take it anymore and ran from the room, Mello's voice calling my name. Halfway down the hall, I put my hand against the wall, trying to catch my breath. Why? Why! I felt the bile rising in my throat and I vomited. "Shit," I groaned, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand. This day just kept getting better and-

"Oh, God, Matt!"

Fuck. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now. I took off before Linda could say another word.


Why was I so stupid? "Fuck!" I cursed, punching the wall. I knew this was going to happen.

"Mello."

I whirled around. Shit. I hadn't even heard him come in.

"Mello," Near repeated.

"You. It's your fault!" I screamed, slamming him back against the door. "You and your damn mind games have ruined my fucking life. You know that, right?"

"Mello," he said, his voice emotionlessly quiet. He touched my cheek with his fingertips. "It's going to be alright."
I broke down then, my hands placed on the door on either side of his head. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and I let my forehead rest on his shoulder. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I bit my lip, trying to keep from crying. "Near, I…"

"It'll be alright."

##############################################################################

A few days later in class, the teacher was assigning us groups to work on a paper. Normally, it was partners but today, apparently, they wanted groups of three. I glanced at Matt sadly and saw he had his knees pulled up against his chest and was looking at the all. I saw what I didn't want to see. He looked so…lost and broken. I hated myself for doing that to him, but I couldn't exactly make it better then, could I?

Near had his arms around my neck and his chin resting on my shoulder.

I really hated myself.

"Alright, now. Mello, you will be working with Near and Matt."

I saw Matt freeze in shock before snatching up his things and running out the door.

"O-kay," the teacher went on, staring at the rest of the room. "I suppose it'll just be the two of you then, Mello. Since Mr. Jeevas does not appear to approve of my decision."

Great. Just great. Matt had to really hate me now.

The teacher continued, but I really could care less at the moment. Matt meant the world to me. He was the only thing on this earth I'd ever wanted. And now…

"So, Mello, what are we going to do our report on?"

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise that cool, emotionless voice of his? It made me want to strangle him and tear him to shreds. "How about Medieval torture methods?"

"Hmm, sounds okay, but perhaps we should broaden it a bit."

"Okay. How about torture methods in general?" And while we're at it, I can come up with the most gruesome way to pay you back for what you've done to Matt and I.

"Fine."

A couple hours later, we were in the library doing our research for the paper. Or, I should say, Near was doing the research for the paper. I, on the other hand, was doing research for revenge. The bastard was gonna pay for what he did to us…


I hated my life and everyone in it. I watched, with an odd fascination, as the blood slipped down my arm and dripped onto the floor, splashing on the tile. It was the last bit of control I had. I'd lost the last of my sanity when Mello said that. I wanted to just die.

I giggled a little as I let the blade bite into my skin. In a weird way, this made me feel just a bit better. It was a little stronger than the emotional pain that laced through my heart like a white-hot iron.

This pain was temporary.

I put the razor blade away in my bag and stumbled to my feet. I thought about staunching the blood flow with some paper towels, but another boy came in just as I got to the sinks and I changed my mind. No one needed to know, because no one could help me. No one could take the pain away except one person…

I pushed the door open and stumbled a few steps down the hall. Before I knew it, the floor was rushing towards me and the world went black.

When I came to, there were bandages around my wrists and I was laid up in a bed in the infirmary. Something nagged at the edge of my consciousness, though. There…there was no pain. In fact, it was…numb. Most of my body was numb. On any other day, any other time, I might have tolerated this numbness. Hell, I may have even welcomed it at one point. But now, it was different. That pain had blocked a pain that couldn't be numbed, and now, that searing pain in my heart won't leave me alone…


Matt screamed and ripped the bandages from his arms before tangling his fingers in his hair, rocking back and forth, sobbing hysterically.