Genuine happiness, that's something that Riley Matthews lost in her freshman year. Not much had changed since seventh grade. Her parents were still happily married, she had all of her friends, and she kept up her grades. Nothing seemed to be wrong, right?
High school proved difficult for Riley, her father didn't follow them to high school so there were no more lessons relating to their lives. Lucas and Maya's relationship worked itself out and they were no longer the awkward couple that they were in Texas. Farkle took advanced placement classes so that took up more of his time but he'd be around when he could be.
All of that made it harder to realize what was actually going on with Riley. Her friends had no idea that Riley was only a shell of what she was before. She faked her best smile and but soon she knows she wont be able to fake it. She doesn't care anymore. Riley used to cry a lot, sure she was sad about her first crush and her best friend but she knows she shouldn't be this sad.
But she doesn't do that anymore; she doesn't feel anything, until she takes the blade to her skin. Physical pain is the only thing left in Riley's life.
Riley would creep around her apartment long after everyone else was asleep when she would cut herself. It started off as one or two cuts now and then but now they lined her arms. She'd think about how she hated herself and asked herself why is she even alive. She loved the sting of the blade and watching the blood drip off her once unscarred skin. It was a rush of ecstasy in a her dismal life.
It's November in New York so there is nothing suspicious about Riley only wearing long sleeve shirts. Besides her decreasing number of smiles and occasional meal skip, there is no reason that anyone should worry about her.
School was just about going through the motions, playing a part. She had a class with each of her friends but she had a method by now. She would show up as late as possible to avoid conversation and she was the first one out. Riley would purposely get lost in the crowds so that no one would talk to her.
Lunch was spent in the library with Farkle. Farkle has always been very observant and always caught on if something was bothering Riley, but he had other things on his mind and Riley didn't blame him. He might have noticed her detachment if they were able to speak. Riley appreciated the silence.
Riley avoids Maya at all costs; it isn't as hard anymore considering Maya and Lucas spend a lot of time together. But Maya catches on that she hasn't talked to Riley in a few days and decides to stop by Riley's bay window after hanging out at Lucas' apartment.
Riley's usually open bay window is closed but luckily Riley is sitting right there. Maya knocks softly and Riley jumps not expecting anybody. Riley turns to open the window and Maya climbs in.
Maya starts to sincerely notice Riley. She was wearing a baggy old sweater and leggings, but underneath it, there was even less of her thin frame than before. Her hair just fell, hiding some of her unwelcoming face. She has bags under her bloodshot eyes. Where a smile used to be on Riley's face, there was now nothing.
"Hey Riles" Maya cracks a small smile.
"Hi" Riley responds and drifts back into her own thoughts.
"How are you? It's been a few days, I miss you"
"I'm fine, just tired." Maya knows that it's a lie.
"I can see you aren't fine, can you tell me what's wrong?"
This time Riley doesn't respond.
Maya pleads with Riley, "Please, Riley"
Riley stands up to distance herself from Maya but Maya grabs for her wrist to keep her close but then Riley winces in pain and jerks her arm from Maya's grip. It takes Maya a second but then she looks at Riley's covered wrist and then at her dejected face. And she knows.
"Riley, pull up your sleeves, show me that you aren't actually doing this…"
Riley avoids eye contact and sits on her bed but Maya takes the lead and makes Riley look at her. With Riley's face in her hands, she knows she doesn't have to see her wrists, she can see it in Riley's eyes.
"Why?" Maya begs for Riley to answer her.
"Please, don't tell anyone" Riley finally whispers
"I want to help you Riles, talk to me!" Maya snaps and there are burning tears in her big blue eyes.
"Maya, I'm broken."
"What happened?"
"I don't know" Riley responds and Maya's first tear has fallen.
"How long?" Maya questions on.
Something in Riley cracks "Months, Maya! How did you not notice until now?! You were my best friend you didn't know! It's like something has a grasp on me and won't let me feel happiness, I can't stop it. Cutting myself is like taking back control, so I feel something but it isn't enough anymore, Maya, I'm terrified! I needed you but you weren't there!"
Tears fall from Riley's face for the first time in weeks, she cries because she is hurting Maya but also because she knows the severity of her situation.
"Riley, I'm so sorry."
Riley collapses to the ground and Maya goes to her to hold her while she cries. Cory and Topanga hear the noise from Riley's room and run in. Riley has her head nuzzled against Maya and she can't hear them come in over her now loud cries. Maya makes eye contact with them through her tears and has to make a choice to either tell them or keep Riley's secret.
Riley whispers, "I don't want to be alive anymore."
Maya isn't conflicted anymore, Cory and Topanga heard that.
"Riley…" Riley turns to notice her parents and what's left of her heart, breaks.
Instinct kicks in and Riley bolts for her window but Maya acts faster and grabs her shoulders this time not to hurt Riley. Maya turns Riley so that she is facing her and looks into her eyes.
Maya pleads "Don't leave."
AN: So that's it, I've never written before, don't know what I'll do with it. It was intended to be a one shot but could possibly pick up from there, who knows?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
