A/N: Hi, hi! Strawberry-Blond Kunoichi here! I got this idea listening to "Missing" by Evanescence. Me, being me, thought I wonder if Matt ever thought about if anyone would care if he left… and this little brainchild was born. *shrugs* That's where the title's from, and the theme kinda carries through it (I think. ^^;) Anyway, enjoy!
Oh, and I don't own "Missing", that belongs to Evanescence and connected recording companies, or Death Note. Sadly. :(
July 20, 2002 8:39 p.m.
I don't know why I'm doing this, really. Linda said writing in her diary helps her work out her problems, but… Mello always says diaries are for pansies. Doesn't matter. I wonder if anything really matters anymore. If anyone even cares. I wonder, if I left, would anybody miss me? Would anybody even care? I don't think they would. Sometimes, I wonder if they notice anything at all. Mello surely doesn't. When we were little, back when we first became friends, I used to wear blue t-shirts and khaki shorts because Mello said blue looked good on me. About a year ago, I started cutting. When I did, I stopped wearing what I'd always worn. I traded in blue and khaki for blue jeans and stripes. Surely you'd think that my best friend would notice such a thing, right? Wrong. He's too worried about that stupid brat, Near. There are more important things than that little albino brat. More important than getting top marks. That jerk just needs to realize it.
God, I don't know why I did this. It just makes me even madder than I already was.
Oh! Mello's here now, don't need to give him another thing to rag me about. Later. (Maybe.)
Matt
July 23, 2002 12:04 p.m.
God, this day sucks already. The alarm didn't go off this morning so Mello automatically decided it was my fault and cussed me out. Then, going to lunch about twenty minutes ago, I tried to apologize about the alarm. Even though it had been my turn to make sure the alarm was set, he, of all people, knew that I wasn't feeling well and turned in early. Despite that, he still says it's my fault and he cussed me out again. I couldn't take it, so I went back to our room, where I am now. Why does he have to be that way? Why am I always the one that gets blamed for everything?
[There are smudges on the page. Perhaps he was crying as this was written?]
What's happened? To me? To Mello? To us?
[There are more smudges.]
God, I might as well kill myself. It's not like anyone cares. Mello doesn't. I know he won't miss me. All that matters to him are his bloody chocolate bars and being better than Near. I thought Mello was my friend. I thought he cared. I was wrong.
Matt
July 23, 2002 6:42 p.m.
God, I want to die right now. Mello came back to our room earlier and asked me why I was being a brat. Honestly? I was trying to avoid getting punched. I simply mumbled an apology and he reached over and slapped me. I asked him what he did that for and he just laughed, saying I needed to stand up for myself. Of course, when I agreed with him, he slapped me again and called me a crybaby. We started arguing and cussing until he told me just to leave, because he didn't want to see my pansy behind any longer. I told him to go screw himself and left. Right now, I'm huddled up in the storage room with just my journal and a flashlight. I know I'm gonna need the flashlight soon if he doesn't come. He's always come to get me before though. We can't have grown that far apart…could we?
Matt
July 24, 2002 8:13 a.m.
I can't believe it. We've grown so far apart that he no longer cares. Maybe we were never that close in the first place and it was simply my imagination.
Matt
July 24, 2002 9:08 a.m.
Teacher woke me up in class just now. Asked me what was wrong and I told her I hadn't slept well last night. When she asked why, I told her that Mello and I had gotten into an argument. She simply nodded and told me to go to the library, and if I wanted to talk to her after class, she was coming back to see me. So…here I am. In the library. With about an hour on my hands. I'm going to sleep. I barely slept at all. Later.
Matt
July 25, 2002 10:49 p.m.
I didn't tell her why we argued. I left before she came back. I'm back in our room, but I can tell I'm the only one that cares to remember what happened. Mello's just sitting there studying, like that day never happened. And somehow, that hurts more than if we were still yelling at each other.
He thinks I'm doing homework. Really, I kinda am. Teacher gave me a paper to do. Yeah, she understood why I was asleep, but she still had to reprimand me for it. Only thing is, it has absolutely nothing to do with literature. I have to write a paper on mental, emotional, and physical health and how they are connected. I wonder if she knows what happens between Mello and myself? Wouldn't be hard to figure out. Sometimes, our shouting and cursing wakes up the entire hall. I'm surprised Roger hasn't separated us already. Then again, the only free room is with Near…
Oh, well. I'm going to sleep now. Now, whose turn is it to set the alarm again? Ah, screw it, I'll do it anyway. Knowing Mello, he'll forget and we'll have a repeat of a few days ago. I don't think my heart or body can take that again.
Matt
August 1, 2002 7:20 a.m.
The closer it gets to Mello's birthday, the more of a brat he becomes. He's only turning 13, but he acts like he's succeeding L. And he yells at me all the time. "Matt, pick up your clothes, don't be a slob." "Matt, your game's annoying, turn it off. I'm trying to study." Or my favorite: "Matt! Try harder. I'm surprised you're still third, you never study. I don't know how we're even friends." Really? Before, marks had nothing to do with us being friends. We were best friends and it didn't matter that I sat around playing games while he studied. Was that all just an act? Yeah, he'd tell me I need to try to study, but he didn't nag constantly. Maybe, we never were friends and he was just pretending to be. Sometimes I wonder. Does he even like me? More than that, does he realize how very much he means to me?
Matt
December 1, 2002 9:22 a.m.
It hadn't been too bad lately, but today was horrible. It seems Mello's insatiable as of late. I tried to bring him chocolate this morning, and he snatched it from me and kicked me in the stomach. Of course, it was completely unprovoked. I landed on my butt and looked up at him, hiding the hurt I felt behind the uncaring mask I'd put up. He just looked down at me with the slightest raise of an eyebrow, almost as if he was just waiting for me to react. I didn't. I simply touched my stomach gently and got to my feet, grabbed a couple of books and left. I had to study anyway. Yes, I actually do study. Stupid git's just too caught up in being a selfish brat to notice.
So, that's what I'm doing now. Studying. I can't take this anymore. I can't. I can take the beatings when he's mad. But to kick me when I give him something he would have demanded in just a few minutes? I can't take that. My heart can't take that.
Matt
December 1, 2002 11:56 p.m.
I can't even stay in this room any longer. Mello's asleep, so I'll still have to be quiet. I'm leaving this journal here so that, maybe, if there just happens to be one person, just one, that actually cares about me, they'll come find me. I won't be anywhere in Wammy's, not even in the storage room, though only Mello knows I go there. I'll be somewhere nearby, though. Now if only someone cared enough…
Matt
[The entries end here; the remaining pages are blank.]
