When you grow up in a family where you are constantly told and shown how little you matter, it just becomes a natural and normal way of considering ones self when turning into an adult. Going though life day to day, hoping someone will take an interest in you and make you feel as though you are significant, and the struggle has all been worthwhile. Then one day it happens, someone sees you and gives you the life affirmation you have always needed, after seeking it in so many others and being subject to failure and rejection each time, the achievement of this desire can be life altering. Finding the type of happiness that was previously unknown to exist can make a person re-evaluate their whole existence.
Meeting a person whom is so different to all others known, so kind, caring and open to love, commitment and connection, is like being struck by a thunder bolt of awakening and has an almost instantaneous effect on ones view of themselves. After a lifetime of self loathing and feeling the need to be in defense mode at all times, it is almost like learning to breathe again, and see again with new eyes. Maybe you are not unlovable, maybe you have something of value to share with the world, maybe you are important, all because someone loves you and needs you.
Is it possible to go on with life when that person is gone? The only one who has helped you feel any kind of self worth? What if that person is the one to ultimately hurt you the most? Is it possible to recover from that kind soul destroying devastation? At least before them, you had learned to live with the disappointment and remain in a state of almost constant numbness. Is the old saying really true of 'It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'? When the person whom had bought you to life, the one whom you finally felt comfortable with, that you thought they would love you forever and never leave you, simply because they told you this over and over again. How do you go on?
I read somewhere that 'Some physicists believe that there are infinite parallel realities – that every possible future is a future in another universe that will never touch our own.' Does this mean that somewhere out there, there is another me who didn't get left behind and destroyed? That this other me has a baby and a husband, and is living a beautiful, happy and content life, without this obliteration? What an amazing thought, that maybe another me is having the life I so desperately wanted for myself, but am now completely resigned to never having. If so, then I am so happy for this other me, you are truly fortunate and I sincerely hope you appreciate the life you have.
But for now, this me, has lost her baby, her soul mate, her self esteem and her will to live. I am Isabella Swan, and when Edward Cullen said he would love me forever and never leave me…he lied.
