Hate Me

Summary: Set after Last Sacrifice, but Dimitri and Rose never got back together. After Rose heals from the gunshot, he leaves again. He goes to stay with his family in Russia. He is listening to American radio one day and hears Hate Me by Blue October. SONGFIC. Summary sucks. Story doesn't (I hope).

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own the Vampire Academy series or the song Hate Me. These belong to Richelle Mead and Blue October. But I can always keep hoping.

I have to block out thoughts of you

So I don't loose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach

leaving babies in my bed

Roza. My Roza. I couldn't stop think about her. But every time I did, it drove me insane. I loved her. I needed her in my life. I was so stupid. How could I have ever thought that I could move on? That I could forget?

Dropping little reels of tape

To remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head

that make a porno feel like home

Memories kept running through my head. Every kiss. The night in the cabin. Everything. It was ingrained in my head. It was all I had left of her.

There's a burning in my pride

A nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you;

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me

Just to put it in my face

And will you never try to reach me;

It is I who wanted space

I missed her so much! Her voice, her hair, her face, her lips-everything. I wanted her to move on, to find peace. She deserved it, after all that I had put her through. But I kept hoping she would call me, or write, or something! Anything! I wished she would ask me to come back. I would run back to her in a heartbeat. I would do anything for her. But I couldn't just go back to her, I didn't want to go back if she had moved on. I didn't deserve her. I hurt her so much. She deserved do much more. More than I or anyone else could give her. I would give her everything I had, but I left- too stupid to understand how much it would destroy me.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

She should hate me. For leaving, for what I did as a strigoi. For the first time I told her I didn't love back when she was still a student as St. Vladimir's. For when I told her that my love had faded when I first came back. I should have run right into her arms. For not telling her I still loved her while we were on the run. For not staying until she woke up. I never even said goodbye.

I'm sober now for three whole months

It's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart

Is the one thing I won't touch again

Sober. I never had drinking problems, but what had plagued me and made me do horrible things was gone now. And that was thanks to her as much, if not more so, than it was to the princess. I had never thanked her.

In a sick way, I want to thank you

For holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself

You were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions

On things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself

When it was way too hard to take

She had helped me. She had tried to convince me that what I had done wasn't my fault. And I had started to believe her. When she told me to find one thing that was beautiful, all I could think was you. I said "your hair." But it wasn't just her hair. It was all of her. Her hair, her voice, her smart-ass remarks, her spirit, her loyalty. Everything. It was her.

So I'll drive so fucking far away

That I won't ever cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart

To leave me behind

I had left, wanting her to move on. Now I would do anything to go back in time and stay. To be with her. Now that was all I yearned for.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart

I say bye to you and wave

But I hadn't. I never told her goodbye. I wish I had. I wish she would have convinced me to stay.

Kicking shadows on the street

For every mistake that I have made

And like a baby boy

I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes cry

And I held your face in my hands

And then I fell down

Yelling "Make it go away!"

Just make her smile come back and shine

Just like it used to be

Iwanted to see her smile again. Not the forced ones that I knew were because of me. But a real smile, like the ones she would give me during our training sessions.

And she whispered "How could you do this to me?"

I don't know! I don't know how I could do this. I never knew anything could hurt this much.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

For you

For you

For you

For you

Oh Roza! Please be happy. Where ever you are, please be happy. I'm sorry.