Irrational Fear
"…so he says, 'He's the hero Gotham deserves, but…but not the one it needs right now!'" gasped the Joker, trying to catch his breath in between laughter. "Ain't that the biggest load of crap you ever heard in your life?"
"And what does it have to do with this ink blot?" asked Dr. Joan Leland, calmly, leaning her cheek against one hand and holding up a card with the other.
"Nothing, but I'm bored, so I thought I'd tell a joke," replied Joker, shrugging. "C'mon, Doc, ain't we done yet?"
"Look, you don't want to do this, and I don't want to do this, but we have a certain quota of these to fill on every patient, and you're no exception," retorted Dr. Leland.
"I'm no exception?" repeated Joker. "That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard in my life! Except for that speech I just gave ya…"
"The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can leave," continued Dr. Leland. "I'm only head doctor here – I don't get to make the rules, and I don't get to argue with procedure, or I lose my job. We have to follow certain established methods when dealing with lunatics."
"Using the same method for each different case sounds pretty crazy to me," said Joker. "And it can't be very effective. Maybe that's why you've never cured anyone in here."
Dr. Leland sighed. "Just tell me what this looks like," she said, nodding at the card.
Joker grimaced, folding his arms across his chest. "Batman," he muttered.
"And this one?" she said, holding up another card.
"Batman," he repeated.
"And this?"
"Guy in a wheelchair fighting another guy in a wheelchair with an electric fan and canaries on their heads," said Joker.
"You always like to make the last one a surprise, don't you?" sighed Dr. Leland, writing down the results and putting away the cards.
"That's the key to humor, Doc!" chuckled Joker. "Never give 'em the punchline they're expecting! No, but seriously, it looks like Batman."
Dr. Leland sighed again. "Thank you, Joker, that'll keep the powers that be happy for another six months. Can you send Harley in, please?"
"Sure thing, Doc!" said Joker. "Though I'm pretty sure I can tell you what she's gonna be seeing in all those ink blots – puddin'. And she ain't talking about the dessert!" he giggled, as the guards led him away into the Rec Room.
"Harley, you're up!" called Joker.
"Thanks, puddin'!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet and rushing over to hug him. "Did ya say ya saw me in all the ink blots?"
"Of course I did, pumpkin pie," he cooed, patting her head. "And I hope you're gonna return the favor."
She squeaked happily, kissed him, and then bounced out of the room with the guards. The other inmates waited until their footsteps disappeared, and then Poison Ivy said, "All right, they're gone."
Two-Face and Mr. Freeze climbed off the sofa and lifted it up, sliding it out of the way to reveal a small hole in the floor. "Johnny? Find anything yet?" hissed Two-Face.
"Yes, Victor's gun – just a moment," called Jonathan Crane from inside the hole.
"Hey, what's all this, guys?" asked Joker, coming over to them.
"We've spent a couple weeks tunneling through the floor and into the vault where they keep all our stuff," explained Ivy. "Now the hole's big enough for Johnny to fit through, so he's sending some stuff up that we can escape with later."
"Here you are, Victor," said Crane, emerging from the hole at that moment and handing the ice gun to Freeze.
Joker intercepted it suddenly, grabbing it from his hands and pointing it at the TV. "Freeze, scumbag!" he chuckled, about to pull the trigger. Freeze grabbed it back immediately.
"It is not a toy, Joker," he snapped.
"Hey, cool it, Freeze!" laughed Joker. "You'd think you of all people would know how to chill out!"
Freeze said nothing, but removed his glove and seized Joker's wrist. "Ah, cold!" howled Joker, ripping his wrist away and blowing on it.
"Shut up, J, they'll hear you!" growled Ivy. "We've been working on this for weeks and we don't wanna blow it!"
"Yeah, it's kinda rude that you planned all this without telling me and Harley," said Joker, nodding. "Or weren't you planning on letting us come with? It's not very nice to exclude people, y'know."
"We were going to tell you when we actually got to the break out part," said Ivy. "We just didn't think you needed to know about the setup. The last thing we need is a Joker in the deck screwing everything up."
"Aw, but Pammie, game's no fun without me!" exclaimed Joker, throwing an arm around her neck. She shoved him away, glaring at him. "Hey, Johnny, what else ya got down there?" called Joker, yelling down the hole.
"I'm just bringing up some fear toxin," he said. "The cannister is very heavy, so be careful…"
He emerged again, carefully placing down a large metal tube with a small hose and nozzle attached. "Don't touch it," he snapped as Joker bent down to do just that. "The last thing we need is you accidentally releasing this into the room."
"Who says it would be an accident?" chuckled Joker. "Might be a hilarious gag to the have the world's greatest supervillains all cowering in terror like a bunch of little girls. I wonder what everyone here is afraid of. Freeze, easy – someone pulling the plug on the ice dame. Harvey – a world without twos. Pammie – me in a thong. Johnny – dying alone. Probably a justifiable fear, by the way!" he chuckled.
"And what are you afraid of, Joker?" asked Crane.
"Me? Nothing. Too crazy to be afraid of anything," laughed Joker. "Too irrational to have an irrational fear, ain't that a kick in the head?"
"All men fear something," snapped Crane.
"I don't, Craney, and I'm more of a man than you, trust me," retorted Joker. "I've even got a girlfriend, which is apparently something your ten college degrees ain't taught ya how to do, Professor," he giggled.
"Absence of all fear is certainly an interesting hypothesis," growled Crane. "Let's test it out."
He had seized the hose and lunged forward, about to spray the gas into Joker's face, when the Joker leapt out of the way, and Crane fell forward, spraying the gas directly into Two-Face's face instead.
"Jesus Christ, God dammit!" shouted Two-Face, reeling back and coughing.
"Oh…God, Mr. Dent, I'm so sorry!" stammered Crane.
"What the hell did you do that for, Crane?!" shouted Two-Face, furiously.
"It was an accident…I was aiming for the Joker…"
Crane was cut off with a hard punch to the face. "Sorry, I was aiming for J too!" shouted Two-Face, punching Crane again and sending him flying.
"Don't, Harvey!" yelled Ivy, rushing over to Crane and stepping in front of him to prevent Two-Face beating him some more. "Stop it right now! He didn't mean to do it!"
"Yeah, fat lotta consolation that's gonna be for me!" shouted Two-Face. "I'm gonna have waking nightmares for weeks 'cause of this crap!"
Joker was giggling hysterically at the mayhem he had caused, a maniacal cackle that grew louder as the guards were alerted to the noise and burst into the room. What followed was a very brief fight, with a few guards receiving minor ice-related injuries, all weapons confiscated, and all inmates being subdued and dragged back to their cells.
"God dammit, J, the escape plan's ruined, and it's all your fault!" shrieked Ivy.
"Hey, don't blame me, Pammie – Johnny started the fight," laughed Joker.
"Only because you provoked him!" shouted Ivy.
"Mr. Dent, I will try to synthesize an antidote as quickly as possible, I promise…" began Crane.
"Can it, Crane!" growled Two-Face. "They ain't gonna give you access to any chemicals after this fiasco. I'll just deal with it," he muttered, sitting down in his cell and putting his head in his hands. "Try and sleep it off or something. But if I start acting all funny, promise me you'll hit me."
"Will do, Harvey!" chuckled Joker.
"I was talking to Crane," growled Two-Face. "He hits like a girl."
Joker continued to giggle madly to himself, very pleased at his handiwork. "That'll teach 'em to make escape plans without me," he chuckled, settling happily back down in his cell.
