Worthy
Pairing: angsty Rory/Dean
Disclaimer: Hey, if I owned GG, Rory would deserve Dean.
It hurts a lot, being alone. Without you.
But I can't be with you.
Because you left.
You left because you thought you didn't fit in my life anymore.
Was it because you didn't want the heartache of another Jess, and you thought Logan fit the bill? Was it because you felt guilty, for what happened with Lindsay? Was it because you thought I was too good for you?
If anything, you're too good for me. You've always been too good for me, and maybe that's why I always ran. I was spoiled, I wanted to be the best.I could be the best with Jess, I could be the best with Logan, but my heart could never measure up to yours.I never knew why you stuck around. You were always so much better than me, yet you worshipped me.
Was it because you finally caught on that you are spheres above me? That you can do so much better than the naive, bookish town sweetheart. The one who always broke your heart, although you'd done nothing to deserve it. Nothing except be too good for her. Be too good for me.
Or, I barely let myself consider this possibility, was it because you simply stopped caring? Was I just an easy way out of a bad marriage? I'll never believe that. You're too good of a person to do that.
Did you think I would have left you behind? I would have stayed for you.
Did you know that I would have stayed? Did you want me to be more than what I have been, to be everything that I always wanted to be.
Everything you always wanted me to be.
That's what keeps me going.
Since you left, I self destructed. I entered a sex pact with Logan. I stole a boat. I quit Yale. I let Logan walk over me. I became Donna Reed. Isn't that ironic? We got in a fight because you thought the concept was sweet. But I got so domestic I could give Donna Reed a run for her money.
But then I got my life back on track. I dumped Logan. I became "me" again. I graduated. A semester later than I should have, since I never made up for the Logan year. But I graduated from Yale. And I'm working as a journalist. I did it for you.
I did it for you. I stopped believing in me, but I found my faith. In my memories of you. You were the only one who always believed that I could do it. Jess never thought I could. Logan never seemed to care. Even Mom lost faith when I was with Logan. Not totally, but enough to hurt. But you, you never expressed a doubt. You knew I could do it. Every step of the way.
True, you weren't there to watch in the worst times. But only because you didn't know how awful they were. You would have come for me, if I had asked.
Wouldn't you have?
Maybe not, but I wouldn't be where I am right now if I didn't believe that. If I didn't believe that you still love me. I made myself forget the bad, because I would have self-destructed again.
But I remember now. I can remember now. And it was all my fault. Except for Lindsay. You chose to marry her. The only thing you ever did to break my heart. Well, the only thing you ever did to break my heart that I hadn't prompted. That I didn't fully deserve.
But I'm here, I did it. I did it for you. And I know that it doesn't outweigh all the pain I caused you, but it's a start. Isn't it?
Does it even matter? I might never see you again.
It does matter. It matters to me. It matters, because I will always know who got me here. And I guess that means that the fact that I did it for you doesn't counterbalance anything. The one thing I did purely for you brought me everything I had ever dreamed of.
Except for you.
Now I hope that I never see you again. Because here I am, everything I ever aspired to be, and more. And I still don't deserve to be with you. I don't even deserve to know you.
