Chapter one: Dying as a tied up salami
Hey! Yes I am starting a third story while I am juggling with two other unfinished ones...either I have too much time on my hands, or I am a magician, I don't know.
Anyway~ here's another Legomance, with a different Legolas an the different kind of OC. The story takes place during the last Hobbit movie that I just watched and disliked (seriously who the hell let Michael Bay possess Peter Jackson during the filming?)
It starts when Legolas and Tauriel leave together to spy on the orcs.
CAREFUL, this OC will overuse Irony and sarcasm. Also the story will be M at some point.
And I AM FRENCH, so yeah, there will be MISPELLS and GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES but you are welcomed to letting me know where they are (what chapter, ans what sentence) so I can correct them and make the story more readable ;)
"The pretty one is opening her eyes." said Okra, the tall grey orc, "Done with your beauty sleep, elf?" he mocked as he took the blond elf's jaws between his thumb and index to raise his head and have a better look at his face.
The elf groaned, as he slowly came back to himself.
"The pretty one? I am offended." complained Irony crossing her arms and pursing her lips angrily. "It's not even a 'she' it's a 'he'! How is he the pretty one?!" she grounded. Okra laughed as he turned to look at her. Suddenly, he stopped laughing and released the elf's head.
"Why isn't he dead?!" grounded Jagah. Irony had not seen him arrive and did not react when he grabbed her arm tightly. "You should have killed him!" he screamed.
"I heard him talk to his friend, the red head-" she groaned as the big orc's hand tightened harder. "He spoke of Azog. I think he might be the one Azog wants to kill. Azog said he was blond."
Jagah released her at once and smiled widely. "You surprise me again, human. Good thing I kept you alive." He approached the prisoner and squatted in front of him, so that their face would be at the same level. "So you are the princeling?" he asked the prisoner.
While gesticulating to free himself the elf barked something in a language Irony did not understand. But the Erkor had tied the knots and that was the one thing the dumb orc knew how to do well.
"What did you do with his friend?" Jagah asked Irony. She had sat down and helped herself too some meat. Her arm was red, blue and violet where he had grabbed her, but she tried not to think about the pain. It's not like reproaching their leader, for hurting her would do any good to any one.
"Dead." she replied. The elf's eyes grew wide in shock, then glared at her with wild fires. "I killed her before I knocked this one out." She pointed at the elf. "He assumed I was her, I think, and didn't even turn around when I arrived form behind. Or maybe he didn't hear me come, I don't know." she lied. With Krog's help, she had lured both elves into 'saving' her, and convinced them to separate to cover more field. The blond elf didn't expect one second that she would hit his head hard with a large rock as soon as they were left alone together. After all, a few minutes before, she had helped them kill an orc who had seemed to be her enemy, not her ally. "But he killed Krog." she lied again before the elf could sell her skin. She gave the mortal blow to Krog out of nowhere. It wasn't part of their plan, but things weren't going as they planned: AKA the elves were stronger than they were, so she changed the plan into a better one. One that included her living to see another day, however miserable it might be. Jagah made said nothing.
The elf was still glaring daggers at her. She threw him a sarcastic smile and went back to her food.
"You cheated us!" accused the elf, furious. So furious in fact that his pale skin was red on his face. His sudden screaming startled her, making her drop her meat. Okra, Erkor and Jagah all laughed at her. She sighed and wondered if she would ever have decent company in her life.
"Lesson number one: never trust strangers, Lemglas." she told him happily. That was his name right? No? Close enough. His name sounded equally stupid as what she had just called him, so it didn't matter.
"We'll bring him to Azog when he is back from war." said Jagah as he moved to lay near Erkor, around the fire.
Irony wanted to ask why they weren't going to this war all orcs had been called to join. But she didn't dare to ask. Asking questions to Jagah was never a good idea. She had learned that the hard way. Nope. She was curious, but would rather keep her mouth shut so that her head would stay on her shoulders. She liked her head there, where it belonged. And she liked herself breathing and living too.
Plus, them being the only ones around gave her the opportunity she had been waiting for...She pretended to sleep and waited for the orcs to close there eyes too. It didn't take them long, the day had been long and colder than the ones before.
Erkor and Okra snored, Jagah didn't. She wasn't sure the leader was asleep and decided that it would be better to start by him then. If she was careful and fast enough, Jagah would die before he could fight back, unable to make any noise and the two others wouldn't wake. That was if the prisoner didn't sound the alert. Though, since Erkor had gagged him for fear he would keep them awake all night, the sound of his voice was swallowed by the dirty piece of clothing stuffed in his mouth.
She stood up slowly, examining carefully everyone's face. Apart from the blue eyed elf, no one was looking at her. Grinning, she flicked the bird at the elf, purely to unnerve him and enjoy watching him be unable to do anything.
Then she walked to Jagah, silently, and bent down, holding her breath so he wouldn't feel its warmth on his thick skin. She detached the dagger hanging from her belt and moved it carefully under his neck. Before taking the plunge, she looked at his face, for the last time, she told herself. His glowing yellow eye as soon as her eyes found his face. She wasn't sure how things happened after that but once she was fully aware of her body, her right hand was wet with a warm liquid and Jagah could not speak. She had opened his throat. With his hand, he grabbed feebly her bloody hand in which was held the bloody dagger and looked at her in the eyes. He could not speak but Irony understood what his eyes were telling her. "You will pay." She could hear him say it in her head.
She found herself paralysed with fear until the orc's cruel smile calling for revenge disappeared and he ceased to breathe. His eyes didn't close though, and kept speaking to her about a vengeance soon to come.
The elf started gesticulating frantically. Irony supposed he was fearing for his life. But if he kept moving like this, Okra who was laying far from him would wake and her life would be endangered. That, she couldn't let happen. She pointed the knife at elf to threaten him, and motioned for him to make no noise by raising her index in front of her mouth. Surprisingly, he did as she asked. Then again, he didn't have much of a choice. Either he shut up and bought himself sometime or she killed him right away.
She took a deep but quiet breath before making her way to Erkor who laid not so far from Jagah. It was a miracle the smell of fresh blood hadn't awakened him. She hurried to slit his throat and he died without even seeing his murderer's face. Okra she killed making sure that he would see her face. Four years, she had been more or less captive in this group, four years he had been nothing else but an ass to her. "Human, give me your cover"; "Human, carry that", "Human, kill them", and what she hated hearing more: "Human, why aren't you more attractive?". As if she had chosen to have a forever broken nose! He had broken it! Before it had been broken, she wasn't exactly beautiful... since then, she hadn't dared to look at her reflect! She imagined her face was ruined with fatigue, dirt, and an ugly nose!
After gaping for air that would not come, the last orc died. Irony's body relaxed and she smiled to herself. She was free. "Fina-fucking-ly!" she exclaimed feeling triumphant. How many times she had dreamed that moment would come and she would be free to go back to being nobody with other nobodies! Then she remembered the prisoner and growled. What was she supposed to do with him? His friend was probably looking for him by now...
She stood in front of him and smiled. He seemed to be more angry than scared. She would be full of rage too if she was to die tied up like a salami. She lowered herself towards him. His blue eyes trembled, and he tried to speak, but the gag ate his words. She took the piece of clothing out of his mouth so he could express himself.
"What type of person kills his friends?" he spat. She rolled her eyes and sighed. That blond elf seemed to be judgemental in addition to holding hollow grudges and being naive. She forced the gag back in his mouth, not wanting her moment of glory to be ruined by his mood.
"Lesson number two: don't ever trust any one, elf." she told him. She then placed the knife under his throat. Seemingly resigned to die with the little dignity he had left and his apparent huge ego, the elf closed his eyes and raised his head to give her better access.
As if you were choosing for this to happen,she thought wanting to slap him. She did not slap him though. Instead she cut the ropes that curled around his feet and hands to set him free.
He was so surprised he did not move for a while and kept the dirty rag in his mouth. Then his face distorted itself in a grimace and disgusted, he spat the tissue out of his mouth and coughed for a while.
"Why did you-"
"I have no business killing elves." she answered shrugging. She did kill, sometimes, when she had to, when her well being was on the stake, and for money, once or twice, but she wasn't much of a killer. She wasn't strong enough to fight orcs and strong men, but she was quick to react and smart enough to talk her way out of a death sentence. Bless the god who gave her a mouth to speak, and words to convince. Also, she was thankful for the vagina and the breast, even if she didn't have much of it, it was always useful to bargain."Also if Azog want you dead, I most definitely want you alive. Knowing that scum like him is displeased is what live for." she joked. She extended him a friendly hand that he reluctantly took before pulled hard on it, bringing her down to him. She heard "Never trust stranger, human." then everything went black.
When she opened her eyes, her hands were tied behind her back and her head hurt like a drunk bitch. "So much for freedom." she muttered before laughing at the irony of life.
