They think I don´t sleep just because I have so much to do. School, the company, Red Robin. That I just can´t pause and that´s why I pour down liters of coffee, Coke and energy drinks. That I just don´t have time to eat.
The truth is, I don´t deserve to eat or to rest. I am not good enough to deserve any of it.
When they finally make me to go lie down, when they literally drag me to my bedroom, I crouch in the corner of the bed, knees pulled up under my chin. I stare into the dark room, unable to stop thoughts sprinting though my head. Unable to not hear their voices. Unable not to analyze every second of the day, every side look, silent remark. Unable to calm down my pounding heart, to stop these feelings.
And when I get myself to eat something at last, sooner or later my stomach simply revolts. With tears of humiliation I kneel in front of the toilet, there´s nothing left to throw up at all for long, but my stomach still turns inside out. I cry with anger and shame. But when I leave the room, I have my mask on again on, mask of calmness and reserve, mask of Red Robin, a hero untouchable by nothing.
I can´t not notice how loose my clothes became. Under the pretence of strenghtening my suit I discreetly pad it here and there, so that my slenderness is not that obvious. I rather don´t look into the bathroom mirror any more, so I won´t see protruding ribs and collar bones. I can´t get warm, so I always wear hoodies or pullovers. Or both. I cautiously avoid physical contact, so that no-one can notice how ice cold my hands are.
In the evening I feel the glances of my family, of my friends. Do I even have the right to call them that? Dick sure can light up every room simply by his presence, but he is not very much around the manor any more. All that Jason gives me on the rare occasions we meet is a hateful stare, and when he does talk to me by an accident, he calls me nothing but Replacement. And Damian shows me more than clearly, that he is real Bruce´s son, real Robin.
Bruce… Why did he took me into his family in the first place? What does he need me for now, anyway? I could never really substitute Dick at all, Jason – maybe for a while, and when Damian showed up… Well, Bruce did quite expectable thing, giving Robin costume to him.
Tonight they made me to sit at the table with them and eat dinner. I feel sorry for Alfred. I won´t be able to have any benefit of his meticulously prepared dinner, I´m sure. I´m trying to eat, slowly, or at least pretend to. I manage to swallow a couple of bites. My stomach churns, I´m afraid I won´t make it to the bathroom in time this time. Finally it seems everybody finished their meal. I thank Alfred for the dinner through clenched teeth and with hopefully sincere smile on my face. In forced slow and casual pace I leave the dining room, adding the speed when out of the sight.
I get to the bathroom in the last moment.
Sweat and tears are running down my cheeks and chin, I´m clenching my fists, digging fingernails deep into my palms. It hurts a little, but thanks to physical pain the knot on my chest seem to loosen.
I lift my eyes, my attention drawn to a razor lying on the basin next to a toothbrush cup. Hesitantly I stretch out my hand towards it.
How many times I swore to myself to do this no more.
But the hand is faster than the mind.
My fingers are wrapped around the plastic handle, war rages in my head. If I succumb, it will be weakness. If I succumb, it will be relief. Be it for just a moment. When I succumb, I will be able to go on for a while. Pretend. Live.
As the razor blade cuts through my skin, my soul is filled with peace and serenity. And suddenly I don´t worry I could cut too deep.
