(a/n) Hey guys I am back had a few ideas I wanted to get down on "paper". I have been super busy working on my undergrad. I switched majors so I am a semester behind. I missed writing and decided I needed to take a break and just write it would be good for me. A little late but I being an avid supporter of Romanogers, am not happy with AoU. Yes, I can somewhat see where Whedon was coming from with the Bruce/Nat thing. I was just not feeling it. For me Romanogers is OTP and End Game. I was very unhappy watching the film and hope to see changes in Civil War. A little background on this story. First I will update you this may turn out to be a multi chapter fic or a place for my Romanogers one shots.
This is picking up in the graveyard at the end of Captain America: TWS. This chapter is paired with Rachel Platten's Lone Ranger. Most of these will be Natasha centric which means Steve may not even be in all of them. Italics are Nat's thoughts and Steve's are there but for some reason I cannot get my story to use bold lettering.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, Marvel does, I do not own Rachel Platten's song and I won't be using her lyrics in the song, just listen to it while reading please.
As she enters the graveyard Natasha is conflicted, she has spotted Nick, a weary Steve this sends a pang of want through her which is attempts to ignore, then there is Sam.
Natasha walks up as Nick leaves.
Fury extends his hand to shake Steve's, Fury tells Steve "Anybody asks for me tell them they can find me right here" in reference to his headstone.
Nat finally makes her way to where the group is and tells Steve " You should be honored that is about as close as he gets to saying thank you"
Steve asks " You're not going with him?"
A simple "No" from Natasha.
"Not staying here" Steve states.
Natasha gives him a knowing look before she answers, he knows she can't stay after she released all of her files to the public. That is too much attention for her, she is a low key kind of person. Her national arraignment was enough attention for a life time. She knew it was time to go underground. Something stirred deep inside her.
She did not want to leave Steve just yet. Again she pushed that aside and reminded herself she was a lone wolf of sorts. She had gotten by alone perfectly fine before teaming up with Steve. She knew that her life would go on without him in it. But that was the thing she didn't want Steve out her her life, not yet at least, if ever. She gave him her rehearsed answer and prayed to God, that he would not ask her to come with him or vice versa.
"I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one" she says , while thinking at the same time that she needs to be away from him to figure things out a bit.
"It might take a while"
Natasha pauses before she replies coyly " I'm counting on it"
Natasha looks at Steve for a moment, memorizing his face before she speaks again. She may not want to be here right now but that doesn't mean that she can't remember him vividly.
Nat continues the conversation " That thing you asked for, I called in a few favors from Kiev" she takes a long pause praying that he won't actually go out on this stupid mission. He needs to recover and just have time to himself, for himself. He gives so much of his time and energy to the world, he needs to give back to himself. Why can he not understand that Natasha asks herself. I cannot give him what he wants, I know he wants me, but maybe I can get him to be happy at least for a while. That is probably why I am giving him this file, because I know that looking for James will give him purpose. I have come to realize that more than happiness, the good Captain craves purpose.
She picks the conversation back up "Will you do me a favor? Call that nurse"
Steve notes, "She's not a nurse"
"And you're not a S.H.I.E.L.D Agent" Natasha states seriously.
"What's her name again?" Steve asks knowing he won't call Sharon. He thinks to himself. Why can't Natasha see that I haven't called any of these dates because I have eyes for only one dame and she is one of the smartest yet stubborn super spies he has ever met.
"Sharon. She's nice" Natasha replies with the slightest bit of sadness in her voice, giving Steve hope that she may just hold the sames feelings as he does.
I would be attracted to America's hero, the irony is a Russian Assassin has feelings for someone as pure as Captain America. This is why I must get away, no more emotional attachments, I do not need the weakness, that is why I do not make personal connections. It is too difficult to sever them and then they cause you to become compromised. This is not the time to be compromised. I need to pick my life up and rearrange the pieces into a new one before I can even think of seeing Steve again. Maybe by then he will call that nurse and I will have nothing to worry over. There will be nothing there because Steve will be romantically unavailable. Plus I am a monster he would never really want me.
Before Natasha sets out to go almost lost in her thoughts. She takes a hold of Steve's shoulder and leans in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. A parting gift for both of them. That was the most painful kiss she has ever given. Not because she was kissing a disgusting mark but because she knew it was more than likely the last she would ever give this man.
She quickly turns and begins to walk away while adding in a warning to Steve "Be careful Steve" God I hope he listens she thinks to herself as she turns to face him. " You might not want to pull on that thread" She gives him a solemn look hoping he understands the seriousness of her warning. She looks deeply into his eyes for a moment then turns and continues her walk back to her bike. It is time to leave and never look back.
As Natasha drives off a single tear falls.
Why am I feeling like this, I am weak, these feelings are not something I should feel. I am broken and there is nothing anyone can do to fix me. How can I ever be with anyone much less Steve? I am emotionally closed off and unavailable and I know this. Subjecting Steve to my issues would be selfish. There is a small part of me that wants to turn around and go back to him. But if I am honest to myself I am too selfish of a person to do that, to give him what he wants in a time where I want to be alone. I am not comfortable being close to a person, it makes me want to run. Which I have done, it doesn't matter what he means to me. I said once and I will say it again "love is for children" I am not a child, I do not love. Being tied down is not what I wanted. Deep down I care for Steve more than I want to admit, this is why I must push him away in every way possible. I am a monster and I will corrupt him in ways no one could ever imagine. No one wants to see a traitorous former Russian Assassin known as the Black Widow with America's hero. It is time to find myself and rebuild my previously untraceable life.
There is one plus side, Nick never documented my true age or the tidbit about the Soviet version of the Super Solider serum running through my veins. At least I have a few secrets. Since most of my past is fabricated to make it seem that I was born in the 1980s and not 1928. It is nice to still have some secrets. Secrets that only Nick and I know.
(a/n) Okay there guys there is my first in a series of Natasha centric stories. Please R&R, please give constructive criticism but do not be a jerk. If you have issues with my story please PM to give me ideas of how to change. This was a shorter chapter to start off. We will be following Nat's journey to where she is in my mind at this point which is happy and in love with Steve and not ignoring her feelings.
