A/N at the bottom
Disclaimer: I don't own O.U.A.T
Emma smiled. With blonde hair curling around her, she stood unmoving in a crowd of faces. Teeth glinted softly in the light as she tried to laugh in good nature only the grip she had on her glass betrayed her anxious and nervous feelings. When people clapped her on the back and gave the most sincere congratulations she tried not to wince.
Smiles, over and over it was just smiles all around.
She fought the nervous tic to yelp when someone came and playfully bumped shoulders. Ruby grinned in a way that Emma decided only Ruby could. It was lusty and endearing all at the same time. The long-legged brunette gripped her in a tight hug.
"Have I ever told you how absolutely amazing you are?" She asked loudly over the crowd. Emma's fingers all about crushed the glass in her hand. She was almost in a full blown panic attack at this point.
"Smile. Please just keep smiling..." What was wrong with her?
"Seriously, first it was the curse with Regina and Gold and then it was Neverland with Peter Pan, you've really come through for us Savior." Ruby exclaimed moving her hands excitedly in wild gestures.
Maybe it was the way she had said the title. Maybe it was the title itself, but all of a sudden Emma just felt crowded. The other part of her just felt pathetic. It had been only two days ago that she, Killian, Regina, and the Charmings had returned safely with Henry and a defeated Pan before a party was thrown in their honor. And sure enough here they all were at Granny's diner.
It seemed as if the entire town had been crammed together in the small restaurant. They were all in here together and they were all congratulating her. She should have felt honored.
What had she really done though to deserve any of this? They may have gotten Henry back, but wasn't she the one who lost him? Furthermore when Emma got right down to it, Regina had a larger part of saving their son then she did.
"Her son… not mine…" She quietly reprimanded herself. A flash of pain ached in her chest. When had she started doing that? When had she forsaken Henry – once again – as her son?
But she loved him. Nothing would change that fact. She loved Henry more than she loved herself.
She smiled politely at Ruby before excusing herself to a farther corner in the room. Specifically an area of the room where no one would bother her, where no one would see her. She let her shoulders touch the wall as she attempted to force herself to relax. Lips sipped tiredly at the beer in her hand hoping that she could just forget.
"When was the last time I got wasted?" She mused quietly. When she lived in Boston barely a day would pass that Emma hadn't gone out to drink a little more than she should have. There were also more than a few occasions that she wouldn't be alone when she finally dragged herself home from the bar. That was just who she had been.
"That's who you are…"
No. Those had been the dark days. They were the days before Henry, before Storybrooke, before everything. And yet somehow in her heart, she knew this wasn't completely unlike Boston as much as she tried to convince herself otherwise.
Green eyes traveled throughout the room and it wasn't hard to spot her parents.
Jesus, her parents. She had parents. Mary-Margaret and David were her parents. Emma had yet to get over that. She had yet to explore all the emotional turmoil she knew would come with it.
And Neal? He was here. He was living in Storybrooke. The man who she was in love with eleven years ago. The man who framed her and left her to rot in jail. The man who is Henry's father.
Then there was the other problem of course. The problem that she refused to even acknowledge because it was just so fucked up in her mind. And it had everything to do with her. It always came back to her.
She couldn't deal with this. She simply wasn't equipped.
"Similar to how you're not equipped to properly take care of your own son?" The nasty thought crossed her mind unwillingly and she hated herself for it.
Her head was spinning and the deep ache in her chest pounded like a jackhammer. She didn't understand. What was wrong with her? She felt sick. Everything was spinning and Emma knew suddenly she needed to leave. She refused to be congratulated again, refused to have to look at her parents, her son, she refused to be called savior one more time.
Grabbing another beer, Emma hated herself. She knew what she was doing. She knew all too well because for the majority of her life it was all she had done. She was running. And she couldn't stop herself. She didn't want to.
She quickly exited the diner, not noticing a pair of brown eyes following her all the way out.
"Fuck!" Was the first thing that came from her mouth when the cool air hit her face. Emma withheld a choked sob. She felt nauseous. She felt like she was going to puke her guts out. She felt out of control.
Clenching her fists, she doubled down over her knees and shut her eyes desperately breathing.
"Stop it Swan, get your shit together for Christ's sake!" She took a swig of the beer in her hand, scrunching her face in distaste at the burn in her throat. Then she took another swig. And another, until finally she just determinedly finished the entire bottle.
Anything thing to just help ease the pain.
She could feel her anger just boiling and stewing inside of her. Honestly, she should have expected this. In the entire year that the blonde Sheriff had been in Storybrooke she had yet to come to terms with certain things, yet to face the battles she knows she can't win. A guttural sound emerged from her throat and she threw the beer bottle as far as she could watching as it shattered against the wall.
It fell into a million tiny pieces on the ground, scattered and broken far beyond repair.
"Miss Swan…" Heels clicked against concrete. A sound Emma had become all too familiar with this town. A sound that she secretly and refused to ever admit that she loved. It was a matter of seconds that the blonde had to compose herself. Wash away the anger and desperation from her face, planting a smile of neutrality in its place.
What she couldn't stop was the clenching of her fists and hammering of her heart as she looked up to face Regina Mills.
When Regina walked outside she hadn't quite known what to expect. She wasn't even sure as to why she had followed Emma out there in the first place. The mayor didn't know why her eyes followed Emma all night as the blonde awkwardly made her way through the party, as she isolated herself at a gathering meant to celebrate their return. It had been unlike the woman she had grown to know.
Nonetheless when she approached the birth mother of her child doubled over and practically hyperventilating outside she was confused. When Emma stood up and smiled falsely in attempts to make Regina believe that she was not hyperventilating moments ago she was even more confused and if not the slightest irritated.
"Miss Swan…?" She murmured questioningly, eyebrow raised.
"And here I thought we we're finally on a first name basis…" Emma's voice was tight and there was no hiding the bitter and angry sentiments underneath of it. She knew it was there, but she couldn't do anything to stop it.
"What are you doing out here?" She managed to finally get out, lighter than the tone she had used earlier.
"I just thought I'd come get some air… are you quite alright dear?" She lied easily enough, not wanting to delve into the real reasons she had come out here.
God, Emma felt nauseous again and Regina's question just made her ache. Of course she wasn't alright; there were a million things that weren't right with her at this moment. "Huh? Oh no yeah, I'm fine…" She said pathetically.
Silence permeated the air between them again and Emma stepped upped and breathed shakily trying to grin. "I-it was just a little too crowded for me in there and…" She trailed off not really know where she was going with it.
Regina looked at Emma as she continued to struggle with her words. She could see Emma practically begging her to say something, but she didn't. Regina didn't say anything at all. A part of her wanted to, she wanted to say something to the blonde, but she didn't know what. She wasn't exactly the comforting type… and they weren't exactly friends.
Somehow it hurt Regina a little bit to think about that. They weren't friends.
The silence reigned between them and as Emma stared across the small distance between them and it seemed like a thousand miles. She would take anything to make the silence go away. She needed something to cling to. She needed someone to cling to, someone to help her not run.
She just didn't know how to ask for help, she never had….
Blonde eyebrows knitted together in disappointment and in anger at Regina's continued silence. She really didn't care about her. Emma had thought after what they had discussed a few days ago, after what happened in Neverland they could talk. They could talk like normal people, like acquaintances, like... people who tolerated each other?
Emma forced herself to grin again weakly before finally speaking, "I'm not feeling too well you know and I have to get up for work in the morning to so I think I'm just going to head home…"
Regina bit her lip. "Emma-"
"Tell Henry I said goodnight."
And with that she walked off without another glance towards the mayor. Regina on the other hand watched as her form trailed off into the night. She watched Emma leave and she did nothing.
Eventually, Regina walked back inside the diner to go sit with her son, to go sit with Emma's son.
"Our son…"
Regina tucked Henry into his bed. By the time they had gotten home around midnight the boy had practically been sleep walking, mumbling unintelligible words as he went. The brunette had been able to make out one thing though.
"I love you mom." He had said before finally closing his eyes and falling asleep in his bed. She smiled placing a chaste kiss on his head before whispering the sentiment back, "I love you too Henry."
When she went to go to bed as well, she found herself stuck at the door watching her sleeping son. She would have never believed that this is how everything would turn out. First when the savior came to town effectively ruining her relationship with Henry, and then losing him to Pan of all people in Neverland. Never had she thought it would end here with him in his bed at home with her…
Unconsciously she frowned remembering the conversation she had a few days ago.
Flashback
"Regina."
The mayor turned around from her position on the ship. It would only be another day before they finally landed back in Storybrooke, before they would finally be home. "Miss Swan." She said curtly. Eyeing the woman Regina found she didn't know what exactly to think about the blonde anymore especially after what happened in Neverland.
Maybe that's why she couldn't help but feel angry whenever she saw the blonde even though there was absolutely no reason to…
Emma smiled. "I wanted to talk to you about something…" Regina scoffed and promptly turned back. She could never seem to have a moment of peace.
"About what?"
"Henry." Regina's eyebrows knitted together in anger. Of course it would be about this. Of course Emma was going to pull this. She had been waiting for this, waiting for the moment Emma would come back and do this to her. Turning around she walked right up to the savior with fury lighting her eyes.
"If you think for one second that I'm letting you take him away from me again, you really are an incompetent idiot. He is my son to! And even if he chooses to live with you, it doesn't mean that I can't-"
"I want him to move back in with you." Emma said apathetically unfazed by her anger.
Regina stood dumbfounded. Schooling her face into one of neutrality quickly she asked the only intelligible thing she could, "Excuse me?"
"I want Henry to move back in with you." The savior once again said with finality.
"Why?" She couldn't help but question.
Emma shrugged her shoulders and her eyes fell to the ground almost nervously. "He's a growing boy, he needs stability in his life… and it's a little crowded in that apartment you know? Plus with Mary-Margaret and David trying to have another kid, I figured…"
Silence reigned between the two of them.
"If you don't want to have him then I'll take care of him, it's no big deal. I'm looking for a new apartment anyway, I just thought that it would be nice for you and the kid-"
"No!" Regina jumped in a little too quickly not wanting to lose the chance to have her son back home with her even if it might only be temporary. "I mean its fine; I really would like Henry to stay with me. He's my son; of course I would love to have him to come home finally."
Emma winced at her words and for the life of her Regina couldn't figure out why. The blonde pulled out a small smile, "Yeah, I know he's your son." She whispered softly.
Regina missed the statement all together thinking ahead of how they would break it to him. What if he didn't want to live with her? "He'll be surprised; he might think I'm forcing you to do this… he might not even want to come…"
Emma put a hand on Regina's shoulder and the brunette felt her nerves whittle away as Emma stared at her. "We'll talk to him together. And he wants to come home Regina, he loves you and he misses you just as much as you miss him." She said encouragingly.
Regina smiled feeling almost happy. Henry was coming home to her. "Thank you Miss Swan." She said softly on principle before turning to walk away quickly wanting to find her boy and hold him tight like she used to.
She left Emma standing there again, not noticing the dark bags under her eyes, and not watching the grin fall from her face.
End Flashback
It hadn't been until they were both speaking to Henry that Regina thought back to realize something might have been wrong. Yet by the time they were next together Emma had seemed fine and Regina just thought it was a figment of her imagination and she focused again on how happy she was to have her son back.
When they had finally talked to him he had been surprised, but when Emma promised that she would still always be around for him he readily agreed to go back home with Regina. She had never felt so happy as when he said yes.
Coming out of her fantasies she glanced at the clock and saw it was almost one, yet she didn't feel the slightest bit tired. Sighing, she settled on sipping a small glass of wine in the living room. It wasn't long before her eyes started to close and she began to fall to sleep.
That's why when her phone went off creating an obscenely amount of noise Regina was more than a little annoyed. Picking up her cellphone to see who was calling it did nothing to settle her as see Snow's name flash across the screen.
When she answered the phone, she hissed furiously. "Did you know what time it is Snow when you picked up your phone to call or did you somehow forego looking at a clock?"
"Oh!" The brunette heard the surprise at her anger, but she was too tired to care. "I'm so sorry Regina, I just wanted to check and make sure Emma was okay…" She managed to say even with the slight slur in her voice.
Regina was just about to ask what the hell the pixie-haired woman was talking about until she was cut off, "I know that she said she'd be okay and that she was just spending the night at your house to be with Henry, but oh! I just worry so much! She's my little princess! She is okay isn't she? She got their okay?"
Regina was silent.
"Regina?" The phone buzzed. "She is there right?"
"Yes, of course she is Snow. Really though if you think it's acceptable to send your grown daughter here for me to babysit in the middle of the night you are sadly mistaken. You're lucky I let her in at all, I can promise you it won't happen again."
"Thank you so much Re-"
"Good night." She finished curtly before hanging up the phone.
Regina placed the phone on the table before staring at it. Emma told her parents she was coming here. Emma was clearly not here. Emma had told Regina she was going home. Emma was clearly also not there. And then Regina had lied about Emma being here. This was not normal for her. Truthfully she had no idea where the blonde was.
An unsettling weight formed in her stomach.
Brown eyes glanced back to the clock.
1:30am
She could easily be at Ruby's, spending the night with her slut of a friend. She was a grown woman and fully capable of handling herself. If anything Regina should be angry that she had used her name in lying to her parents. There was no reason to bring her into it, especially if she was staying at the leggy wolfs place…
1:31am
"Shit." Regina cursed quietly before getting up and grabbing her coat. Henry would be dead to the world till late morning and would be fine. She left a note just to be safe before opening up the door and leaving to find Emma.
"She better be dead or dying when I find her for this…" She seethed trying to ignore the other emotion in her heart. The part of her heart that was genuinely worried about her, the part that seemed to beat faster whenever Emma was around.
"Emma…"
She had checked all over town, drove through the streets, down to the beach, to Granny's diner, and even Ruby's place. Emma was literally nowhere to be found. And Regina was now more than a little worried about where she had gone.
When she pulled up to the police station, she prayed she was here because there was literally nowhere else for her to go. The first thing she heard when entered the building was the music. Blaring through the dark hallways it was almost overbearing. The next thing she heard was laughing and that was how she knew she had finally found Emma Swan.
Walking briskly around the corner in her silk pajama pants and overcoat she intended to give Emma a piece of her mind. The blonde would know exactly how angry she was with her.
Further still the blonde might even learn just how worried she had made her…
What she found though when she walked into the sheriff's office was not at all what she expected. Her nose scrunched in distaste at the smell of alcohol that rolled out of the small room. She could see the whiskey bottles strewn haphazardly across the desk in the corner.
Crumpled papers were thrown all across the room; it looked like Emma's chair might have gotten flung across as it well. The pictures that we're once hanging on the wall laid broken on the ground and in the middle of it all Emma was dancing barefoot to the music blaring.
As brown eyes took in the blonde figure, she wouldn't be surprised if Emma hadn't gone home at all that night. She was in the precariously tight jeans she was wearing earlier and her white tank, her hideous red jacket laying on the floor in the dark.
The music playing was slow and slow. Regina had never ever heard it before and she never would have pegged the sheriff for this type of music either. Still, in the chaos the mayor stood entranced and almost frightened of Emma.
It seemed like forever before the blonde finally took notice of Regina at the doorway. She stopped dancing and broke out into a huge grin that didn't look right on her face. "'Gina!" She slurred.
It was at that moment that Regina wondered just how much the blonde had to drink that night.
She had been crying to. At some point she must have been sobbing that night because Regina could see even in the dim lighting Emma's puffy bloodshot eyes. The tear stains that had left trails down her white cheeks shone with a surprising clarity in the dark room. It all looked foreign on the blonde, Regina had never seen her like this.
"Miss Swan…" She said hesitantly. Her heart was hammering uncontrollably in her chest, but some part of her realized that something was wrong here, something that she should have already known.
Emma ran to collect her and pulled the older woman into a tight hug. Regina flushed at the embrace; Emma's breath was on her neck and she reeked of whiskey. If not for the tight grip Regina would have recoiled at the smell.
The blonde pressed her lips to Regina's shoulder quickly before trailing them to Regina's ear. Her tongue flicking out momentarily as Regina gasped at the contact. She was sure her face was bright red now.
"Emma." The blonde said in sultry voice.
"What?" Regina spluttered.
Emma laughed into her and the sound vibrated through her chest. "My name is Em-ma, not Miss Swan…" The blonde finished with a pout before pulling out of the hug laughing. Regina stood unmoving, too shocked at the feeling of their bodies together.
Emma was quick to leave her and go back to the middle of the room to dance. "'Gina!" She called. "Come dance! It's Hozier; it's been so long since I've listened to Hozier!"
Regina found her body moving without any sort of thought whatsoever. It was immediate and Emma just had this inexplainable pull over her. She always had, since their very first meeting.
She carefully tip-toed around the glass in the room, her brown eyes still wide with shock and incomprehension of what was actually going on. And more importantly why she was still letting it happen.
As Emma began to dance again twisting and turning in a way so slow it looked almost painful, it was also beautiful. Regina watched her and she wondered how she hadn't noticed the deep bags under Emma's eyes before. They made her look older, more fragile.
The blonde danced around the room on the balls of her feet effortlessly, her hands sliding down her body sensually that caused an unfamiliar heat in Regina. The words of the song were low and somehow fit the dark setting around them.
When Emma finally came back around toward Regina laughing, she grabbed the older woman pulling her back in close. She put Regina's hands around her neck and skillfully placed her hands around the older woman's waist before having them dance in circles around the room.
It was forwards and then back, side step across and then forward again. It was sloppy and ungraceful and the brunette stumbled more than a few times, but Emma was always quick to catch her and bring her back in to the rhythm.
She realized they were close in height, but Regina finally noticed the good two inches the blonde had on her. How when they were this close she had to look up to meet her green eyes. It was too intimate, more so than Regina had ever allowed before.
"I need to stop this." Regina thought desperately as heat began to pool in her core as she stared into smirking lips and dazed green eyes. What was wrong with her? She shouldn't be doing this right now.
But then Emma started to sing to her with soft hands roaming curiously on hot skin. Regina was frozen.
Fingers dipped under her shirt teasing the olive-skin underneath of it. The arms around the brunettes tightened as she could feel every curve of Emma's defined body.
"I could not ask you where you came from…" She hummed softly into her ear. "I could not ask it, neither could you. Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips…" Regina held her breath as Emma dragged her lips across her neck before settling in front of her own.
Emma's breath hitched momentarily confused before she continued on without a second thought. "We could just kiss like real people do." Her lips hovered right over Regina's as the music began to slow. The brunette could feel the breath of Emma on her lips; she could feel the scalding marks left across her neck and the touches on her waist. She could taste her own want and desire and she was scared at what Emma would do.
They were so close…
When the music finally ended Emma grinned before breaking out into laughter and backing away childishly. The heat instantly taken away from her body Regina stood just watching. Watching as Emma Swan danced the rest of the night away in a drunken haze.
Somehow she had managed to find herself back to the ruined desk office and Regina could only stare at the empty bottle of whiskey. She could only stare at the broken glass strewn across the floor. She could only stare at the hand gun that was supposed to be locked away with the other weaponry unless needed while on call.
"Emma…just what is going on with you?"
A/N - Hey, hoped you like it. Drop a review and let me know what you think. Just for reference the song that I used was Like Real People Do by Hozier. He's a pretty good artist and you should take a listen if your interested. Next chapter will hopefully be more on the character development, but any critiques are welcomed
Chasing Fantasies
