This is a mashup of "Coming Undone" by KoRn, mostly because it made me think of Regina.
The cell contained her guilt. Knowing this, she hesitated in the halls of the dungeon before opening the door. Inside, her redemption awaited her, each day hoping for her to return and seize the opportunity to save herself from her own prison. But like every other day, she chose the guilt over the freedom of redemption.
Keep holding on when my brain's ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come and came to get me
Sweet bitter words unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird, you don't affect me
Regina cringed and leaned over the toilet, emptying the contents of her supper. "No," she moaned. "God, just stop." Hot tears worked their way down her cheeks and dripped onto the porcelain, steaming from the temperature contrast with the cold seat.
"Mom?" a voice called out from outside the bathroom door.
"Not now, Henry," Regina choked, coughing into the toilet.
"Mom?" he repeated.
"Henry, I'm fine. Go get ready for bed."
Her skin seemed to crawl and suffocate her each time she took a breath, like a constricting snake collapsing its prey. But soon, Regina found herself unable to breathe at all, her chest heaving to no avail. No oxygen would reach her lungs, and no amount of tears would force the air down. She was drowning.
What seemed like hours later, she stood on shaky legs and leaned over the sink, splashing her face with water. With equally shaking hands, she moved a toothbrush back and forth against her teeth, scrubbing until her gums bled and she could taste the iron. The blood dripped down her throat and into her stomach. It was hot with the last drops of what was living inside her. The rest, she reasoned, was dead at last, with no hope of revival. A mixture of sweat, soap, and nearly-freezing cold water dripped down her face into the sink as she stared into her own eyes in the elegant mirror in front of her.
But when she turned and reached for the doorknob, the last of her supper lurched up in her throat, and she turned just in time to let it splash into the toilet, completely disgusted.
"Oh, God. . ."
That's right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate
"Regina? Are you alright in there? Henry said you sounded like you were crying. Can I come in?"
Regina immediately braced herself against the door.
"No! Don't. Just don't. Please, just go to bed. I'll be in in a minute."
Emma could tell she was choking down sobs and she reached out to turn the doorknob to let herself into the bathroom, but she found herself unable to push the door in. Her heart raced, dropping into her stomach as fear gripped her wrists and prevented her from pulling her hands away. Instead, Emma tried harder to turn the knob, but to no avail. She started to sweat with panic until her hands were slipping from the sweat building up on her palms.
"Let me in, Regina. Please! Just talk to me," she begged. Whatever it is, honey, I can help. Just let me help."
At last, she opened the door, looking lifeless, black circles around her eyes, almost as if she might pass out and collapse. Her vision blurred, and suddenly, all she could see were the fuzzy, washed-out colors on the walls and the outlines of the paintings hanging up on each side of her bed.
"I'm gonna. . . I'm gonna. . ."
She tried to say Emma's name, but it was caught somewhere inside her, or maybe somewhere outside her, just out of reach. All at once, she reached for the doorframe and actually did faint, her body resting in a heap on the marble floor of the bathroom.
Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
In the morning, she woke to Emma's lips on hers, slowly kissing her and wrapping her arms around Regina's neck, but Regina pulled away.
"Don't. Please. Oh, Christ. . . my head. . . What happened?"
"You -"
"No, don't tell me. I. . . I have to tell you some-"
The door flung open and Henry appeared in the open doorway, rushing over to his mother's bedside. He was fully dressed, so it must have been past the time when he was supposed to be in school. Wait. . .
"Mom?!"
He grabbed her hand and squeezed, looking eagerly up into her eyes.
"Mom, are you okay? What happened?"
"Nothing, Henry. Nothing happened. I'm fine," she lied. "See?"
She forced a smile and swallowed whatever sick, disgusting thing she was feeling. When she looked down at their hands, resting on the satin sheets, she saw that hers was still shaking. It hadn't stopped since the night before. In fact, all of her had been shaking throughout the night, even in her sleep. Emma had noticed, but didn't dare to wake her. She'd watched over the woman all night, feeling restless and unsure of what to do. How could she help her? There seemed to be nothing she could really do. She just had to wait until morning to confront her about what had happened.
"Why aren't you in school, young man?" she questioned, trying to sound stern. Really, she was mostly just confused.
"I was worried about you, and Emma said I could stay home." Regina shot the woman a glare. "You're acting weird. What's the matter?"
"Nothing's the matter, Henry," she gulped. "You should be in school."
"I don't believe you. Why do you have to lie to me?"
Henry stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Regina looked at Emma with an accusatory stare, irritated and irate.
"You told him he could stay home?" she snapped. "Why would you do that?"
Emma drew back under the covers, her body posture tensing. She was confused. Why was Regina suddenly acting so cold? What had happened to make her react this way? True, she had anger problems - everyone knew that, her better than anyone - but this was different.
"I. . . We were just worried about you, and he wanted to make sure you were alright. So did I. You were really. . . not okay last night."
"Don't. Don't tell me. I don't want to know, okay? Let's just forget about it and pretend it never happened."
"You're not okay, and I want to know what happened."
"I got shitfaced, okay?! I got belligerently drunk, gave myself alcohol poisoning, and threw up everywhere. You weren't here and I was bored, alright? Okay? Can you back the fuck off now?"
Emma's eyes filled with tears, not recognizing the lie. She was shocked by Regina's raw and unchained rage. It had been a long time since she'd seen it so severe, but she couldn't understand what was going on. Since when did she even drink? Emma refused to believe that Regina really didn't want to be comforted, so she leaned closer and wrapped a gentle arm around the woman's shoulder.
"Don't touch me."
"I love you, Regina," Emma told her eagerly, kissing her lips.
But Regina roughly shoved the woman away and threw her legs out from under the covers.
"I have to go."
Faster than she ever had before, she threw on her clothes - this time, alone in the bathroom, instead of in front of her lover. In moments, she was out the door.
Choke, choke again, I thought my demons were my friends
Pity me in the end, they're out to get me
Since I was young I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet sugar gun does not protect me
The tray of food in her hand shook and rattled as she unlocked and opened the door with the other hand, almost spilling the glass of milk all over the meal of roasted chicken, green beans, and a baked potato.
"I thought I'd bring you something a little different today," she said anxiously. She felt the bile rising in her throat. "It'll make you feel better."
She set the tray on the steel bed beside the emaciated girl and stood in front of her awkwardly, not knowing exactly what to say or how to say it. All she knew was that if she didn't do it fast, she was going to vomit all over the girl's paper thin nightgown. What am I doing? Regina made an involuntary gasp for air and set her froze her gaze on the floor. The girl looked uninterested, ignoring the steaming plate of fresh, actually edible food - something she hadn't had in years.
"It's okay. Really. It's not poison."
The girl hesitated but eventually picked up the fork and picked at the chicken on her plate. After just one taste, she was insatiable, nearly choking on each bite.
"Slow down," Regina told her. "It's not going to jump off the plate, and I'm not going to take it from you."
She didn't listen, coughing down a few more hasty bites.
"Really," the Queen begged. "You're going to choke."
"What do you care?" the girl spat, still staring at her plate.
After a pause, she said, "Will you please talk to me?"
"Why should I?"
"Because I care," Regina confessed.
After a period of awkward hesitance, the two sat in the dark for hours, sharing their thoughts, until both were too tired to talk anymore. When Regina stood up to leave, the girl actually looked disappointed.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Regina asked.
"If you want," the girl nodded, her head whirling from the sudden change in their relationship.
Her reality was warped to the point where she thought it might all be a trick or a dream. It was all too surreal. Suddenly her captor wanted to talk? Her world was instantaneously changed into something new and alive with language - something she'd been lacking for a long, long time. Even the simple use of words was a release. The only thing she had to talk to were the walls around her and the mice in her cell, and although they were great listeners, they were poor conversationalists.
That's right
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike
Make it quick now
Another restless night of vomit and tears caused Emma to worry. In the morning, she was sitting up in bed, waiting for Regina to wake. As soon as she did, Regina was holding her head in her hands, moaning in pain. Ughhh, my head. . . This is bullshit.
"What's going on, Regina?" Emma demanded, this time with little kindness in her voice.
"I can't do this anymore."
Wait, I'm coming undone
Irate, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
MONTHS LATER
When she entered the cell, the girl was still asleep. It was dark outside, and the sun was just barely beginning to rise, so it was no surprise that she wasn't awake yet. But Regina had brought her breakfast, and it was hot, so she gently shook the girl's shoulder.
"Belle? I brought you breakfast. I know it's a little early, but I-"
Belle's eyes shot open, startled, but she recovered quickly.
"Oh, God. Ms. Mills. It's you. I thought. . . I don't know what I thought. I had these terrible dreams. . ."
"It's okay. It's just me," Regina assured her. "Call me Regina. Please. I brought you breakfast."
"Thank you. . . I'm starving. . ."
Regina flinched. She gently handed her one dish at a time. The first was hot oatmeal, which Belle ate gratefully. She had still not become accustomed to 'real' food, and it was a pleasure to be eating something that didn't make her stomach feel like an empty chasm. Regina sat quietly for a while, just watching and waiting for her to be finished. When Belle was done, she took the whole tray from her and set it to the side.
"I'm sorry about your bad dreams. I didn't sleep last night, but I've been having them, too."
Belle looked surprised.
"Really? What are yours about?"
"Forget about my dreams. Tell me about yours. What's bothering you?"
"I had a dream that you were killed by a. . . a monster. . . and I was left here completely alone, without you."
"What did you say?" Regina asked in disbelief.
"I said the dream I had where I was without you was a nightmare."
Something about her voice was confident, but some other part was scared and unsure, not knowing how Regina would react. Regina just stared into her eyes, looking for the truth, trying to figure out if the whole thing was a dream. But she did find truth in Belle's eyes, and she savored it. It was rare that anyone told her the truth, and it was even more rare for anyone to value her company. In fact, the last person to value her company at all was Daniel. She felt pangs in her stomach thinking about him, but something kept the tears from falling. Belle stared back at her bravely, refusing to look away.
"Now, tell me yours," Belle added.
"I had a similar dream, except you left of your own volition. You left and never looked back."
I'm
trying to hold it together
head is lighter than a feather
looks like I'm not getting better
not getting better
Belle had fallen asleep while they were talking - it had been almost four in the morning - and Regina had fallen asleep on the floor next to her bed. When she woke, she looked over at the girl and sighed. How am I going to tell her?
She got up and slipped the key into her pocket, locking the door behind her as she went to get them breakfast. When she returned, Belle was awake, looking distressed.
"Hey," Regina said softly, setting the tray down. "I brought. . . What's the matter?"
"I went to sleep, and you were here, but when I woke up, you were gone. . . I just thought I'd dreamed it."
"It wasn't a dream," she said. "I'm right here. Eat something, okay?"
Belle was finally nearing a healthy weight, and Regina was happy to see her looking better. The color had returned to her cheeks and there was life in her eyes again. She'd started eating slowly, too, which was a plus. But Belle wasn't eating that day. In fact, she pretended like the food wasn't even there and kept looking at Regina.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" the Queen asked.
"I don't believe you're real sometimes. You're here, but you're not. You're so far away from me, like I'll never really reach you."
"Why?"
"Because you'll never really open up to me the way I've opened up to you. You'll never feel the way I feel about you. You'll always be far away, and I'll always feel like I could never have as much of you as I want."
"And exactly how much do you want?" Regina's asked, her voice low and smooth but unable to hide her surprise.
"I want all of you."
"Belle, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. I have to take Henry to school," Regina said, looking down at her watch. "But I want you to have this. Listen. . . Belle. . ." Regina savored her name. She handed the girl a sealed white envelope with her name on it in gold letters. "I'll be back in a few hours, if you still want to see me."
"Of course I still want to see you. Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know," Regina lied. "Maybe you'll change your mind. I have to go."
She hurried out of the room, almost slamming the door behind her. Belle could tell she was being truthful about Henry, but she was disappointed none the less. She looked down at the envelope, her brow furrowing. Confused and a little alarmed, she hurriedly opened the envelope and removed its contents: a set of keys and a note.
I love you, Belle. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry.
Don't judge me, but please post reviews! I was nervous to post this, but I'm glad it's up and I look forward to seeing what people have to say about what worked and what didn't.
