A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: STAR TREK
A few months ago, I got bored and watched Jurassic Park and recapped the whole thing. This month, I got bored...and I will now recap Star Trek. There will be swearing, there will be fangirling, there will be squealing, there will be inappropriate jokes, there will be confusion as to whether or not I actually like the characters or not. There will be ridiculousity. ENJOY.
Mmkay...I hear some familiar sounds. Little bleeps and bloops...sounds like the bridge of the Enterprise! I know my stupid little Star Trek sounds, that's definitely the bridge.
Or...never mind...it could just be the general sounds of a different starship. U.S.S. Kelvin, srsly? What kind of name is that?
LAME. WTF STAR TREK?
Alright, the Kelvin is getting some transmissions. Apparently, gravity or gravitational shit or gravitational sensors or some other stuff is GOIN' CRAZY.
btw, they're getting way too close to that star, which is way too little in comparison to the ship. SCI-FI WRITERS HAVE NO SENSE OF SCALE, DAMMIT.
What's this? A lightning storm...IN SPACE!? WTF is going on?
How does that even happen, anyway? I've seen the movie a thousand times, I still don't get what causes it or what it has to do with Nero and his crazy-ass ship.
We're on a very pretty, sparkly bridge with lots of lens flares everywhere! I don't know the captain's name, but he's bald and he looks cool, so he is Captain Baldy McCoolio of the USS Kelvin.
They take a look out the windshield (excuse me, view screen, or some other techno shit) and see OMG A BLACK HOLE. Well, a black hole's ass, because they're, like, behind it, since it's not sucking them in or anything. In fact, it's shitting out a really spiny, spiky, creepy looking ship.
The black hole, btw, is very swirly-twirly and I'm pretty sure that's not how black holes work. And...enlighten me...is the black hole the lighting storm in space or something? 'Cause I'm still confused about that, but I don't think it is because Nero only goes through it once and the lightning storm shows up again later without the black hole...
Anyway.
So the Kelvin is looking at the ship like "omg" and the ship doesn't like the way they're looking at it, because it LOCKS WEAPONS ON THEM HOLY SHIT. Ruuun! Er, waaaarp!
Anyway, they start shooting shit at the Kelvin and everyone's kind of freaking, like, "OMG WTF DID THEY DO THAT FOR!?" There's lots of fire, and I thought fire couldn't happen in space because it needs oxygen, but I haven't taken physics or anything so I wouldn't know if that could actually happen or if JJ Abrams was just going by Rule of Cool.
Captain Baldy McCoolio runs a status check, and things reportedly suck ass. The other ship decides to attack again, just 'cause.
Anyway, the ship fires some more at the Kelvin.
Really big, creepy, violent ship that came outta the black hole's ass: PEW PEW PEW
U.S.S. Kelvin: AJDJDHSGSJLF
Some chick gets sucks out into space when part of the hull is blasted off. I hate when that happens. Ruins my whole day.
Everyone on the bridge is like "WTF WTF WTF ARE OUR SHIELDS EVEN UP? NO? AUGH!" and Captain Baldy McCoolio is like, "FUCK THIS SHIT. SCREW YOU GUYS, WE'RE GOING HOME," and he starts evacuating the ship.
So anyway, some guy comes on the view screen is like "HI GUYS." Let's skip the introductions; this is Ayel. He is bald, like Captain Baldy McCoolio, and he is a Romulan. He has lots of cool tattoos for some reason. Say hi to Ayel, everyone.
Ayel: HEY IF YOU WANT US TO STOP SHOOTING, CAPTAIN BALDY'S GOTTA COME OVER HERE FOR A SECOND K?
Captain Baldy McCoolio: k. Kirk, you're captain.
The audience is like, "KIRK!? YAY!" but then it pans over to see some guy who isn't Chris Pine and we're like, "Oh..."
Captain Baldy McCoolio heads over to the Romulan ship. Back on the Kelvin, the bridge is monitoring Captain Baldy McCoolio's body, I guess.
Some guy: His heart rate's elevated.
Audience: no shit dude, he's going over to say hi to the creepy Romulans that came out of a black hole's ass and started killing everybody.
The Romulan ship has lots of creepy orange and green lighting for no apparent reason other than to make everybody on it increasingly sinister. It's a good strategy.
Some Romulan guy who looks kind of depressed is sitting at the captain's chair, and Ayel comes up and throws a hologram of a little ship at Captain Baldy McCoolio. The weensy ship has lots of spinning, rotating stuff, because in the future, everything spins. It's not for practical reasons, it just looks cool.
Ayel: Are you familiar with this craft?
Captain Baldy: bitch plz, who is your commander? *staaaares over at the depressed-looking Romulan captain* (actually, he kind of just looks creepy and intense, not depressed)
Ayel STFU, I WILL SPEAK FOR CAPTAIN NERO.
LOL AYEL'S BITCHY.
Captain Baldy: Fine, then ask your captain what right he has to attack a Federation vessel!
Ayel kinda doesn't have a comeback for that so he just looks over at Nero like, "Um...he kind of has a point."
Nero's cool about it, though. He just tilts his head, and Ayel throws out another hologram. This one has a spinning image of an old dude.
I KNOW THAT OLD DUDE. I WOULD TAP THAT WRINKLY ASS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, I DON'T EVEN CARE. Leonard Nimoy is FINE. If I were Little Red Riding Hood, I would say, "Oh, Grandpa! What massive hotness you have!" YES I WOULD.
Ayel: Do you know the location of Ambassador Spock?
This is the part where I squeal. Anyway, AMBASSADOR Spock? You've gotten quite important, haven't you, my adorable little Vulcan? When did this happen?
Actually, I guess he's not THAT important, because Captain Baldy McCoolio doesn't know WTF Ayel's talking about. (Or he might be from the future, but I don't wanna spoil anything...oops.)
Ayel and Nero look a little pissed, and Ayel asks, "What is the current stardate?" and Captain Baldy McCoolio's like, "Uh, twenty-two thirty-three zero-four, duh." Yeah, 'cause everyone's going to be able to memorize that long-ass stardate.
He asks where they're from, and Nero takes MUCH offense to that incredibly impolite question!!! How DARE you ask such a thing, Captain Baldy McCoolio!
Nero starts screaming and...stabs the fuck Captain Baldy McCoolio. WTF, Nero!?
The Kelvin's view screen monitoring Captain Baldy McCoolio's body is like, "D'oh, he's dead!" and everyone flips their shit.
Nero's ship starts attacking the Kelvin some more, and Poppa Kirk is a way better captain that Baldy because he starts firing back. Not that it does anything useful, but still.
He starts the evacuation back up again, which is MOMMA KIRK'S CUE TO ENTER, YAY! Guess who she is, you guys? YEAH IT'S CAMERON FROM HOUSE! Anyway, things suck for her because she's going to into labor while this shit is happening and her husband's about to die, so...
Anyway, long story short, the evacuation is going on, and Poppa Kirk sets the ship on autopilot and is about to board a shuttle with his wife when Nero pulls a dick move and ruins the autopilot system. Yeah, not cool, Nero. Which means Poppa Kirk has to pilot the Kelvin himself, because that's the only way the shuttles with the crew and Momma Kirk will be able to get away.
SUX 2 B U, POPPA KIRK.
Momma Kirk: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Poppa Kirk: UH I'M KINDA GONNA HAVE TO BE OVER HERE AND, LIKE, DIE...AND STUFF. SRY.
Momma Kirk: WTF? NOOOO
Baby Kirk: *is born*
Poppa Kirk: Awww, what is it?
Momma Kirk: A boy! Let's name him after your dad!
Poppa Kirk: Tiberius? Are you kidding me? That's the worst! No, let's name him after your dad. Let's call him Jim.
Momma Kirk: k
Poppa Kirk: ILU *dies*
Momma Kirk: *sob*
Thus endeth the saddest fucking scene in this movie.
TITLES! STAR TREK!
Now, we're on Earth. Where on Earth?
IOWA. 'TIS THE SHIT, MAN.
So we see a snazzy red convertible speed out onto the road and go zooming away. What maniac is driving that car? (Why do they even still have cars? Much less that classic?)
The driver just so happens to be tween Jim Kirk, who can barely see over the steering wheel because he's a tiny little loser, LOL FAIL JIM.
Oh wait, he sees over the wheel about as well as I currently do. Shit.
So the phone in the car rings and Matt Parkman from "Heroes" is shouting at Jim, "I AM AN ABUSIVE STEP-FATHER HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL REBELLIOUS AND ANGSTY BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF A REAL FATHER!" and Jim drives the car over a cliff because, pfft, Matt Parkman can't tell him what to do in the this movie!
Cut to planet Vulcan! LOL am I the only one who thinks it's funny how we go from stupid little Iowa to...Vulcan? Just me? Okay then.
On Vulcan, everything is in the middle of the desert, a very hot and dry-looking red desert, and everything kind of looks like it's caked with a layer of dust. I'm getting a sunburn just looking at that planet.
But it's better at Vulcan Elementary, where everyone has their own classroom! And by classroom, I mean a really cool bowl thing that talks and asks you questions and you answer and there's lots of blinking lights and flashing lessons and all the little Vulcan kids are so cute! They've got their weird little tunics and their cute little pointed ears, and their cute little upturned eyebrows, and their cute little emotionlessness!
I heart Vulcans. I want my own kid Vulcan.
So anyway, a little trio of Vulcan dickwads (okay, since they're kids, I'll call them bullies) comes up behinddd...OMG LITTLE SPOCK.
Vulcan Bully #1 aka Greg: Spock.
Little Spock: I presume you've prepared new insults for today.
Me: OH MY GOD, I want to laugh and go "aww" and feel sorry for you all at once!
Greg: Affirmative.
omg I love Vulcans. Just the way they talk...
Little Spock goes over to the bullies. Aww, he's so much shorter than them! He says this is their 35th attempt to get him to react emotionally. Jesus Christ, 35th? Seriously? They've tried that many times?
Also, why are their bullies on Vulcan? Bullies do their thing because of an emotional need to...uh...bully, right? Why are Vulcans doing it?
Well I mean I guess it could be scientific/logical curiosity to see an emotional response, but still...
Anyway, Vulcan Bully #3 (whom I shall name Ernest) is like, "You're neither human nor Vulcan and therefore have no place in this universe." Okay, 1: he's both, you 'tard. 2: No place in the universe? The whole universe? Dayum, that's harsh. Surely there's at least one planet where he fits in...
Vulcan Bully #2 aka Oscar: Look, he has human eyes. They look sad.
Your eyes looks the same as his, wtf. Meanwhile, Little Spock is looking at them all helpless and adorable and shit, I just wanna squeeze him and never let him go!
Ernest: Perhaps an emotional response requires physical stimuli.
Me: WOAH OKAY NOW, YOU GUYS ARE LIKE TWELVE, RIGHT? Let's not rape the poor boy...
Ernest: *shoves Spock*
Me: Oh.
Spock stumbles back, looking very upset. AWWW! Stop being mean to him, you guys! (I don't even get why they're dicking around with him for being half-human, since Vulcans and humans are cool with each other, aren't they?)
Ernest: He's a traitor, you know. Your father. For marry her. That human whore. (TRANSLATION: Yo mama so human [insert some Vulcan variation of a "yo mama" joke involving emotions and shit])
Little Spock: AHSFKD! *tackles Ernest into one of the awesome Bowls of Learning*
Greg and Oscar are like, "what the logical fuck?" while Little Spock proceeds to beat the hell out of Ernest. He looks cute when he cries and lays the smackdown on Vulcan bullies.
Now Little Spock is at the principal's office (I assume), looking all adorably stoic and Vulcan and LOOOOK HIS BLOODY LIP IS GREEN. Green blood! Kewl.
Poppa Spock (AKA, Sarek) is here. He sits down by Little Spock and is shooting lasers of LOGICAL DISAPPOINTMENT as his poor wittle son, who kind of looks uncomfortable as hell.
Little Spock: They called you a traitor.
Poppa Spock: Whatevs.
He goes on about something that has to do with logic emotions, how emotions run deep within the Vulcan race, possibly more deep than in the human race, how they choose logic and how to control emotions so that emotions don't control them blah blah blah, whatever.
Anyway, Little Spock calls him out on Poppa Spock's bullshit and is like, "wtf? You're telling me I should be completely Vulcan but YOU married a human!"
And Poppa Spock proves to us that Vulcans can't lie for shit and is like, "Well YEAH I'm the Vulcan ambassador to Earth! Marrying her was logical!"
Bullshit, Poppa Spock, bullshit.
Zoom into the future by about fifteen years, I guess, and we see some chick in front of a window. Everybody, say hello to Momma Spock AKA Amanda!
Momma Spock: Spock. Come here, let me see you.
Spock: *with THE cutest indignant voice in the world* No.
Momma Spock: Spock.
Spock, who has grown like 9000 feet taller and has turned into Sylar from "Heroes," walks over with a strong air of "ugh, MOM, you're EMBARRASSING me!!!" and lets his mommy fiddle with his sweater.
His sweater, btw, is THE fugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. I bet Momma Spock knitted it for him. Oh God, I'm embarrassed to look at it.
Momma Spock tells him not to be anxious, that he'll do fine. Do fine for WHAT?
Spock is like, "Anxious? Me? Pffft, right," and proceeds to babble on anxiously about how "fine" as variable definitions and "fine" is unacceptable. LOL Spock, you're so awkward.
Momma Spock fiddles with his fugly sweater some more and Spock is like "um stop it plzkthx" because LOVING YOUR MOMMY is SO DAMN HORRIBLE.
But then he makes up for his annoying intolerance of Momma Spock's motherliness by asking hopefully that, if he goes through this Vulcan thingy to purge all emotion, she won't think it reflects judgment upon her. D'aww.
Momma Spock is like, "Aw, I'll always be proud of you no matter what you do," which is what Spock wanted to hear so he's like, "Awesome," and goes to the Vulcan ministers of the Vulcan Science Academy, where he applied.
And they're like, "k so ur sort of awesome except for the fact that u applied at Starfleet, wtf?" and Spock's like, "it was logical to cultivate multiple options," and they're like, "o yeah good point."
Minister guy: Y'know, it's pretty cool how much you've accomplished despite your disadvantage.
Spock: Uh, what disadvantage?
Minister: Your human mother.
Spock: So, uh...I'm thinking I so don't want to go to your fucking academy anymore.
Minister guys: WAT!?
Spock: Yeah. Live long and suck it.
Back in the magical land of Iowa, we hear lots of fun, funky music and we discover that we're innn...
A NIGHTCLUB. A futuristic nightclub! We're following a hot chick (whom I shall introduce to you now as Uhura) and she orders a bunch of alcohol. Uhura and her friends party HARD.
"That's a lotta drinks for one woman," says an endearingly obnoxious voice. ENTER ALL-GROWED-UP JIM KIRK. Chris Pine? More like Chris FINE, hurr hurr.
Let's start up a number count of how many times Kirk fails in the movie, k? Failing includes being beaten up, rejected, ignored, treated like a little kid, etc. You'll get the hang of it soon. We'll also count the wins, just to make him feel better because he's cute.
Uhura orders a shot, and Kirk tries to order it for her, but she's like, "lol no."
That's 1 fail by rejection down. Getting off to a bad start, here, Jimmy.
Kirk: Don't you at least wanna know my name before you completely reject me?
Uhura: I'm fine without it.
2 fails. C'mon, Kirk.
Kirk recovers from her snub by responding, "You ARE fine without it," and I'm quietly LOLing because the weird looking alien guy between them is looking like he wants to hurl at Kirk's lame attempts to hit on Uhura.
Kirk: It's Jim, Jim Kirk.
James Bond: STOP STEALING MY LINES, YOU FOOL
Uhura: *ignore*
Kirk: If you don't tell me your name, I'm gonna hafta make one up.
Me: NAME HER RUFUS, RUFUS IS A GOOD NAME!
Uhura: It's Uhura.
Me: Aw.
Kirk: Uhura, no wayyy, that's the name I was gonna make up for you!
lol. Anyway, Kirk's like, "Uhura what?" and Uhura's like, "That's my last name, and you ain't getting my first name for no particular reason other than to be mysterious and make for an amusing exchange between you and Spock later," and Kirk's okay with that.
Kirk: So, you're a cadet, you're stunning, what's your focus?
Uhura: Xenolinguistics. You have no idea what that means.
Kirk: AH-HA prepare to be amazed: study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax. Means you got a talent of tongue.
This kid's smart, Uhura-cakes. Don't be so mean to him.
Uhura quips, "I'm impressed. I thought you were just a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals." And Kirk is like, "Not only..."
Oh, Kirk.
Anyway, some big bald guy - a cadet, judging by his uniform (which is terrifyingly red, so I'm scared for his life) - comes along and is like, "This townie isn't bothering you, right?"
They use the word "townie" in the future? LULZ. And I hope this guy isn't trying to snatch Uhura away from Kirk, because he looks like he's old enough to be her dad if he wasn't white. STRANGER DANGER, UHURA BBY.
Uhura: Oh, BEYOND belief, but it's nothing I can't handle.
Kirk: You COULD handle me, if that's an invitation.
Big dude: HEY. U BETTER MIND UR MANNERS.
Kirk: Relax, Cupcake, it was a joke.
Cupcake doesn't take nicely to Kirk and his hijinks, and uses some really lame fightin' words, "THERE'S FOUR OF US AND ONE O' YOU."
Kirk is not intimidated, because he's stupid, and is like, "So get some more guys and it'll be an even fight." He pats Cupcake's cheek, how cute. Look out Kirk, I sense lots of fail coming your way.
Kirk turns away, Cupcake spins him around, and punches him IN THE FACE. Third fail, Kirk! He reels on the bar, looking kinda weird while he does, but I gotta give Chris Pine props for making his fight scenes look like they really hurt.
Kirk gets in a good punch/kick thing that sends Cupcake flying. One win, three fails. Not too bad.
Uhura's in the background telling them to stop, but nobody listens to the girl.
More fighting happens. Kirk gets his second win, then another fail, then another, and then he staggers over and catches himself from falling...by grabbing Uhura's boobs. Is that a win? I think it's a win.
Uhura: *GASP!*
Kirk: *perv face*
Uhura: *shove*
Another fail. Kirk gets punched. 'Nother fail. Kicked...fail. He grabs a bottle and smashes it over some guy's head. Win. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Punch, fail. Goddamn.
THEN AN AWESOME WHISTLE OF AUTHORITY SLICES THROUGH THE NIGHTCLUB AIR. All the cadets freeze. O SNAP, WHO IS IT?
Itttt's CAPTAIN PIKE, OMG. I love Pike.
Pike orders everybody out of the club, so...everybody leaves, except Kirk, who's lying on a table, dazed and bloody and pathetic and fail-y.
Pike: You alright, son?
Kirk: u can whistle rly loud, u no that?
Oh Kirk.
Anyway, Kirk's got tissues stuffed up his nose as he sits down with Pike. I'm going to count his goofy appearance as a fail. Pike is nagging him about his dad, and how Kirk is the only genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest, and urges Kirk to enlist in Starfleet. Kirk scoffs at Pike's suggestion.
Pike: If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years, have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada...
Kirk: Are we done?
Looks like this Trek universe changed up what the Federation is, 'cause it wasn't as military-like in TOS, but I don't mind the change because it's badass and I'm not one of those SRS BSNS fans who gets all butthurt about everything.
Pike leaves, but not before telling where the shuttle for new recruits is and that it leaves tomorrow morning. Kirk couldn't care less.
"You know, your father was captain of a starship for 12 minutes," Pike says, who still won't STFU about Kirk's dad. I'm pretty sure if my dad was dead, I wouldn't want some guy I met five minutes ago yammering on about him and telling me how much I suck in comparison. "He saved 800 lives, including your mother's. Including yours. I dare you to better."
...okay, I can't deny that was a sort of badass little speech. I heart Pike. Pike = awesome.
Anyway, Kirk changed his mind, I guess, because he goes to the shuttle that morning and says to Pike, "Four years? I'll do it in three."
GO KIRK.
Kirk says hi to Cupcake and the other guys who beat the shit out of him yesterday, and sits down, smiling over at Uhura, who ignores him.
We hear an argument from somewhere in the shuttle. Some lady is like, "You need a doctor!" And a very adorably disgruntled voice responds, "I TOLD YOU PEOPLE, I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR, DAMMIT, I AM A DOCTOR!"
Is that who I think it is!?
Lady: You need to get back to your seat.
Angry newcomer: I had one in the bathroom with no windows!
Kirk leans away from the arguments because the lady has decided to shoo the lovely argumentative man over near the seat by Kirk. Kirk looks like, "Well, great, thanks lady."
Lady: You need to get back to your seat NOW!
Angry newcomer: I suffer from aviaphobia! It's means FEAR OF DYING IN SOMETHING THAT FLIES.
Lady: Sir, for your own safety, sit down or else I'll MAKE YOU SIT DOWN
Angry newcomer: ...fine.
My poor baby. He sits next to Kirk, and he is the expert at first impressions because he turns to him and says with a professional bitchface, "I may throw up on ya."
Kirk: I think these things are pretty safe...
The angry newcomer proceeds to ruin Kirk's day by telling him why these things are perfectly unsafe. Shut up, dude.
Kirk: I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.
Angry newcomer: Yeah, well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.
AIIIIEEEEE, BONES! I LOVE YOU, BONES.
He takes a nice swig of whiskey, to establish that he is an irritable alcoholic divorcee from Tennessee, in case people didn't know that, but lets us know that he's awesome and can be nice by offering some to Kirk. Because nothing says budding friendship by putting your mouth on something that a scruffy stranger has slobbered all over.
Kirk's cool with that, though, and introduces himself.
"McCoy. Leonard McCoy," Bones says. James Bond throws another hissy fit in the background.
Three years later, we're in space, where it's dark and creepy and tinted in an eerie shade of red. We see the Narada, which I just remembered is the name of Nero's creepy ship.
Nero stares at the camera blankly until some guy tells him he's been requested on the bridge. Ayel says they're at the coordinates Nero wanted, but nothing's there, so he asks what do to.
"We wait. We wait for the one who allowed our home to be destroyed, as we've been doing for 25 years," Nero expositions kind of awkwardly, but I forgive him for that somewhat poor delivery because I like him.
Ayel: And once we've killed him?
Nero: Kill him? I'm not gonna kill him. I'm gonna make him watch.
Nero, sparing people never works out in movies, you know that.
Anyway, a black hole appears and shits out that awesome spinning little spaceship. Nero orders the ship to be captured, and says, "Welcome back, Spock."
NOOO, SPOCKYYYY.
Now we're at Starfleet Academy, where everybody has a deathwish because they're all wearing fucking RED.
Bones and Kirk are exiting a building, and Bones demands to know why Kirk is so happy because he's one of those surly friends who doesn't like it when everyone else isn't surly with him.
We never actually get an answer as to why Kirk is happy, but he says he going to take the Kobayashi Maru test again, and he wants Bones there. Bones thinks that's a stupid idea, because he has better things to do than watch Kirk fail the test again.
Kirk: Doesn't it bother you that no one's ever passed the test?
Bones: Jim, it's the Kobayashi Maru. NO ONE passes the test! And no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds. *pointed look at Kirk*
Kirk is like "lol well whatever i gotta study" and Bones sees right through his bullsht.
Cut to Kirk, studying the female anatomy quite thoroughly!
Girl: *moan/sigh/gasp/other token sex noises* Jim, I think I love you.
Kirk: That is so weird.
lol you're such a twat, Jim.
The girl is unimpressed with Kirk's response and totally puts a stop to the sexin'. Come on, Kirk hasn't even gotten his underwear off! Way to cockblock the poor thing. I can sense his agonizing case of blueballs.
Anyway, the girl, who is green and named Gaila, freaks out when her roommate starts to come in.
Gaila: Quick, get under the bed!
Kirk: What? But...I don't-
Gaila: Hurry! I promised her I'd stop bringing guys back to the room.
Kirk: How many guys have you... *is forced under the bed*
lulz. Yet another fail for Kirk.
Gaila sprawls out on her bed as her roommate, Uhura, comes in and apparently sees nothing odd about Gaila lying there in her underwear...?
Kirk, perv as he is, watches happily as Uhura starts to undress while she goes on about how she picked up a transmission from a Klingon prison planet. A Klingon armada was destroyed, 47 ships. Dayum.
Gaila doesn't really care about all that, and she wonders if Uhura will be leaving soon, which tips Uhura off.
Uhura: Gaila, who is he?
Gaila: Who's who?
Uhura: The mouth-breather hiding under your bed.
Kirk: *pops up* You can hear me breathing!?
Uhura is pissed and kicks him out. Fail again.
Cut to the Kobayahi Maru simulation test thing. Uhura is the communications officer, Bones is some guy, and Kirk is the captain.
"Klingons" are "locking weapons" on the "ship" and Kirk doesn't take any action. Everyone looks around like, "...what?" This includes the instructors in charge of the simulation.
More "Klingons" are "targeting" the "ship" and Kirk still doesn't give a crap. The "Klingons" start "firing."
Kirk: Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive all crew members from the damaged ship.
Uhura: And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, Captain?
Kirk: Alert Medical.
Uhura: *bitchface*
Oh, stop PMSing, Uhura.
The "ship" is being hit, and Bones is like, "hey i've got this wacky idea, let's FIRE BACK" and Kirk is like, "Nah."
Suddenly, the simulation fails and everything goes dark and shuts down! Everyone is confused, and the instructors are like, "WTFFFF" but then everything starts back up again! Yay!
Kirk happily orders the crew to fire on the "Klingon warbirds" and Bones is like, "Jim, their shields are still up."
Kirk: Are they?
Bones: *doubletake* No...they're not.
Kirk orders to fire on all enemy ships, and they do. Yay, they won! He beat the Kobayashi Maru!
Up where the instructors are watching, dumbstruck, some guy (I think it's Pike, but I'm not sure) turns and demands, "How the hell did that kid beat your test?"
Pan over to see who this question was directed at, and we seeee...SPOCK! He stiffens and says, "I do not know."
Ruh-roh.
Oh shit, now we're in court (sorta) and Kirk is called forward. Fail.
Judge guy: Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct pursuant to Regulation 17.43 of the Starfleet code.
Me: ...huh?
But I guess that means someone tattled on Kirk? Okay, srsly, not cool. WHO'S THE SNITCH, I'LL BEAT HIS ASS.
Kirk uses his right to face his accuser directly. YEAH WHO IS IT!?
Spock stands up. Oh...shit. nvm then.
Judge guy: This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates. He's programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last four years.
Well, look at you, Spock. All smart and programmy.
Spock: Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.
I don't know why he sounds unhappy about that. Sure, Kirk hacked into his precious test, but that requires some awesome smarts. Spock, don't start off pissed at Kirk. You guys are in love, remember?
Kirk asks what his point is, and the judge guy snaps that he cheated. Kirk retorts to Spock by saying that the test itself is a cheat because Spock programmed it to be unwinnable. Spock is like, "What, a no-win scenario?"
Kirk: I don't believe in no-win scenarios.
Spock: Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principal lesson.
Kirk: Please, enlighten me.
Spock: You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death.
I won't count this verbal lashing as a fail for Kirk, because that's just Spock being a dick. The whole room knows it, too, because they shift and mutter uncomfortably.
Kirk: I of all people?
Spock: Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?
Shut up, Spock, you're such a douchebag. Kirk agrees with me, snapping, "I don't think you like the fact that I beat your test!"
Things get heated as they barrel on, which Spock continuing, "Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test."
"Enlighten me again."
"The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain."
Yeah, well, you're a Vulcan, and fear and other emotions aren't your thing, so shut up.
While Kirk stands there, pissed, some guy comes in and tells the judge guy that they'll have to finish this later because they're receiving a distress call from Vulcan. Spock perks up, concerned. And since the real fleet is busy doing...something else...the cadets are ordered to go take care of it. Everyone scurries off. Kirk glares after Spock.
Kirk: Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
Bones: I dunno, but I like him.
LOL irony. And Spock and Kirk are doing this all wrong! They're arguing and glaring at each other when they're SUPPOSED to be having hot eyesex.
The cadets are all assigned to their respective ships...except for Kirk. He's confused and goes over to the commander to ask why his name wasn't called, and he's told that he's on academic suspension until his hearing is all figured out. Fail. Awww, Kirk doesn't get to go on the mission!
Kirk is looking around sadly, and Bones is sympathetic, but he has to go. Kirk pastes on a really adorable fake smile and is like, "Yeah, that's cool, be safe. Bye."
And Bones leaves...then he says, "Dammit," and goes back to drag Kirk with him. YAY FRIENDS!
More assigning. Uhura is assigned to the Farragut, and is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. She storms after Spock, nagging.
Uhura: Commander, a word?
Spock: *paying attention to more important things than a bitchy Uhura* Yes, Lieutenant?
Uhura: Was I not one of your top students?
Spock: Indeed you were.
Now he's walking, and she follows. For God's sake, Uhura, I love you to DEATH but just shuuut the fuck uuuup. She goes on about how she's awesome, and Spock agrees, and she's like, "DUDE I SAID I WANTED TO BE ON THE ENTERPRISE, WHY AM I ON THE GODDAMN FARRAGUT?"
Spock: It was an attempt to...*a little uncomfortably, actually*...avoid the appearance of favoritism.
Uhura: BITCH PLZ I'M ASSIGNED TO THE ENTERPRISE.
Spock: Fine. God.
Uhura: thx
I love you, Uhura, you're awesome.
Back with Kirk and Bones, Kirk is like, "WAT R U DOINGGG?" as Bones tows him into some place with medicine and shit.
Bones: I'm doin' you a favor. I couldn't just leave you there lookin' all pathetic. Take a seat.
Am I the only one who thinks that's one of the most adorable things in the movie?
Bones grabs a hypospray as Kirk sits down, saying he's going to give him a vaccine against viral infection from the Melvaran mud fleas, and stabs Kirk in the neck with the hypo. Rude. Also a fail for Kirk.
Kirk: OW! What for!?
Bones: To give you the symptoms.
Kirk: What are you talking about?
Bones: You're gonna start to lose vision in your left eye.
Kirk: *blinking rapidly* Yeah, I already have. (Fail.)
Bones: Oh, and you're gonna get a really bad headache and a flop sweat.
Kirk: You call this a favor?
Bones: Yeah, you owe me one.
He hauls Kirk up and lugs him over to the shuttle. The instructor there is like, "Uh Kirk's not cleared for duty on the Enterprise," but Bones bitches on and on about the medical code and is finally allowed to take Kirk with him. I love Bones and his bitchiness. Meanwhile, Kirk is wheezing and huffing and sounding terrible. Fail.
Anyway, TADAAAA, WE'RE AT THE ENTERPRISE! Ahhh, Lady Enterprise, you are bootiful.
Bones is dragging Kirk through the cargo bay, I think, saying he's got to get Kirk changes. Hot.
"I don't feel right, I feel like I'm leaking!" Kirk observes. Fail. A funny fail, though.
Bones: Hell, it's that pointy-eared bastard! *hurries off in another direction*
I thought you liked Spock! Anyway, Spock comes along, decked out in his sexy blue uniform. He goes to the turbolift and heads on up to the bridge.
THE BRIDGE!!! IT'S SO SPARKLY AND PRETTY AND CLEAN! AHHH.
Spock heads over to his station (HIS STATION, EEEEEE!!!!) and tells Captain Pike that Engineering reports ready for launch. Pike is like, "So uh normally we'd have some awesome ceremony for our pretty new ship, but Vulcan kinda fucked that up, so yeah."
Pan over to see…OH MY GOD IS THAT HAROLD? I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE WATCHING HAROLD AND KUMAR. Oh no wait that's Sulu. And I actually recognize him as the hot Patient of the Week on "House" who had the fetish for strangulation!
I liked that one. Hee.
Sulu says everybody's ready for warp, so he sets a course for Vulcan, aaaand…
Fails. They don't go anywhere. Everyone looks around in confusion. Even Spock is like, "Um?" Way to play up the whole "Asians can't drive" stereotype, Sulu. I thought you were better than that.
Not that his failure isn't funny as hell, of course, 'cause it totally is.
Sulu flounders about, trying to figure out what's going.
Spock: Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?
Sulu's like, "…" and does that. Did you have to embarrass him, Spock? Anyway, they warp off.
…lol that sounds dirty.
Back with Bones and Kirk, Bones has brought Kirk to Medical Bay. I giggle, because my Slash Goggles are having a blast at the image of Bones with his arm around Kirk's waist as he leads him to a bed. Kirk, loopy as he may be, still has time to make passes at hot nurses.
Kirk: My mouth is itchy. Is that normal?
Bones: Well, those symptoms won't last long. I'm going to give you a mild sedative.
Kirk: *groan* I wish I didn't know you.
Bones: Don't be such an infant. *hypo*
Kirk: ACK! How long is it supposed to—*keels over*
LOLOLOL I never get tired of that particular fail.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, we see CHEKOV OMG HE IS THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE HOLY SHIT! *squee*
Pike doesn't really care how massively adorable Chekov is, though, because he's just like, "whatevs do the ship-wide mission broadcast."
Hm…Ship-wide Mission Broadcast. Sounds like a pretty boss dance. Y'know, like the Cha-Cha Slide. C'mon, now, y'all! Do the ship-wide mission broadcast, now. *thudding bass* Punch it to Warp Five! The ship-wide mission broadcast. *bass* Do the broadcast now! *bass* Wictor-Wictor! Broadcast now! Wictor-Wictor! Broadcast now!
lol okay i'll stop.
Chekov struggles adorably, classically, with the authorization code, "nine-five-Wictor-Wictor-two," but he succeeds eventually. He broadcasts about the lightning storm in space thing and how after is was detected, Starfleet received a distress call from the Vulcan High Command that the planet was experiencing seismic activity.
Which means there's a bunch of random huge-ass earthquakes fucking up there logicalness, dammit!
Starfleet's mission is to see what's up and assist in evacuations if necessary.
Kirk lurches up in bed, gasping out, "Lightning storm!"
Bones says hi, then, "Good God, man!" because Kirk's hands have swollen hideously. Fail. Ewww. Kirk squeaks in horror at his hands but then says "fuck it" and starts running around trying to find Uhura, because as he grabs Bones's face (heehee) with his grotesquely deformed hands, he says, "We've gotta stop the ship!"
Kirk goes flying down the halls in a panic with Bones on his heels in an entirely separate panic. I love how nobody in the halls reacts with surprise at them. It's like they're used to Kirk and Bones's shenanigans.
Kirk: We're flying right into a trap!
Bones: Damn it, Jim, stand still! *hypo*
Kirk: OW! STOP IT!
lol fail. And srsly, Bones, aren't you paying any attention to Kirk screaming "IT'S A TRAP" at all? I'd pause for a second and say, "wait wut?" but that's just me. But it's cute that Bones is too worried about Kirk to worry about anything else.
Kirk goes running some more and finds Uhura.
Uhura: Kirk? What are you doing here?
Kirk: The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly—
Uhura: OH MY GOD, what's with your hands!?
So not the point, Uhura-cakes.
Kirk: Look, who is responsible for the Klingon attack? And was the sh…*unintelligible mush*
Uhura: Was the ship what?
Kirk looks upset that his mouth won't cooperate. Bones is scanning him, still not giving a crap about Klingon attacks and lightning storms and traps and shit.
Kirk: *muffled* What's happening to my mouth?
Bones: You got numb tongue?
Kirk: NUN TUG!?
Bones: I can fix that.
Anybody else's mind go to Sam and Kate from the movie/book "Holes" when he said that? I bet you CAN fix that, Bones. Ohohoho.
But he scurries off very unromantically, so nothing slashy happens. Sad.
Uhura: Was the ship what?
Kirk: Womulan.
Uhura: What?
Kirk: Womulan!
Shhh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We're hunting Womulans!
Uhura finally gets that he means "Romulan," and then Bones leaps outta fuckin' nowhere and hypos Kirk again! Fail.
Cut to the Narada hovering high above Vulcan, dangling a Fiery Drill of DOOM into the atmosphere, drilling a hole into the planet. Well that can't be good. Momma Spock comes outside to look at the Fiery Drill of DOOM and her face tells us, "That's just nutty!"
Onbard the Narada, Ayel tells Nero that there are seven Federation ships on their way. Nero looks pissed.
Meanwhile, Kirk is running around some more, with Bones chasing after him because he's his doctor (who happens to be in love with him—STOP IT, SLASH GOGGLES!) and Uhura following because she's a secondary character.
Kirk barrels onto the bridge, announcing that they have to stop the ship.
Pike: Kirk, how the hell did you get onboard the Enterprise?
Well hello to you too, Pike. Jeez.
Spock stands up at Kirk's arrival. Ooh-la-la, interested, Spock? Bones tries to say that Kirk is just reacting to a vaccine and he's totally delusional. Shut up, Bones.
Kirk: Vulcan is not experiencing a natural disaster. It's being attacked by Romulans
Pike: Romulans? Cadet Kirk, I think you've had enough attention for one day. McCoy, take him back to medical. We'll have words later.
Aw, Bones is in trouble? That's not cool. But Kirk won't have any of that! He scrambles forward as Pike turns away.
Kirk: Look, sir, that same anomaly that we saw today…
Pike: *pissed* Kirk!
Spock: *butting in* Mr. Kirk is not cleared to be aboard this vessel, Captain.
OMFG. Spock. Shut. Up. You're so fucking annoying. Pike KNOWS Kirk isn't supposed to be there. Stop being a douche and start falling in love with NOW, or so help me…
Kirk: Look, I get it, you're a great arguer—
Spock: By Starfleet Regulations—
Kirk: —I'd love to do it again with you, too.
Spock: —that makes him a stowaway. I can remove the cadet—
Kirk: TRY IT! This cadet is trying to save the bridge!
Spock: By recommending a full stop mid-warm during a rescue mission?
I hate how everybody's talking over each other in this scene. It's really confusing. But I have to appreciate it, because very few movies have people talking over realistically. Movies rarely have realistic dialogue: stuttering, repetition, trailing off, filler words, verbal tics, rambling, and of course talking over each other. Damn you, movie industry!
Anyway, Kirk ignores Spock and tells Pike that it's not a rescue mission, it's an attack. Spock doesn't like being ignored, because he demands sharply, "Based on what facts?"
Kirk glares at Spock and says, "That same anomaly, a lightning storm in space that we saw today, also occurred on the day of my birth, before a Romulan ship attached the USS Kelvin. That ship, which has formidable and advanced weaponry was never seen or heard from again.
So suck it, Spock.
Kirk goes on to explain that the attack happened on the edge of Klingon space, and then tells Pike about the attack on the Klingon prison planet that Uhura was talking about. Pike wonders how Kirk knows of the recent attack, and Uhura confirms his report.
Kirk: We're warping into a trap, sir. The Romulans are waiting for us, I promise you that.
Pike looks to Spock, who says, "The cadet's logic is sound." He doesn't look too happy about it. But that's my Spock, more logic and less bitching.
Pike orders the communications officer to scan Vulcan space for any transmissions in Romulan. The communications officer doesn't know the difference between the Romulan language and the Vulcan language because he sucks at his job. Uhura is awesome, though, so she takes his place. Pike orders some chick to hail one of the other ships, but the Enterprise can't make contact with anyone. WAAAT? Why not? This can't be good. Also, Uhura isn't picking up any transmissions at all. Kirk says it's because they're being attacked.
The Enterprise goes on red alert, oh shit. Sulu counts down five seconds till they reach Vulcan. Kirk and Spock exchange grim looks. It's not eyesex, but they're getting there!
And POOF! They're at Vulcan and there's tons of debris and shit everywhere. All the other ships have been destroyed! O NOES. THE ENTERPRISE GANG IS FUCKED.
Now the Enterprise sees the Narada, in all its creepy-ass glory.
On the Narada, some guy tells Nero that another Federation ship has arrived, and Nero's just like, "dude whatever, shoot lots of torpedoes at it, that always works" so they prepare to do just that.
The Enterprise is like, "EEK! SHIELDS UP NOW!" and Spock reports that the Narada has lowered a high-energy pulse device into the Vulcan atmosphere, and its signal is blocking their communications and transporter abilities…which…y'know…can't be good at all. Pike orders to fire all weapons.
The Narada is about to fire torpedoes.
Nero: WAIT! The hull! Magnify!
They magnify the hull, and Nero sees that it's the Enterprise.
Audience: How the FUCK did he see that?
The Narada hails the Enterprise. Nero introduces himself to Pike.
Pike: You've declared war against the Federation. Withdraw, I'll agree to arrange a conference with Romulan leadership at a neutral location.
Um…dude...wtf…look at the people that the camera pans across as Pike says that.
Is that…is that KUMAR? lololol I see what you did there! That's totally Kumar! Harold and Kumar Go to Vulcan!
Or, if you're like me, who hasn't actually watched a Harold and Kumar movie and only knows WHO they are and so the humor isn't AS funny as it could be, then just think of it as Dr. Kutner! Dr. McCoy and Dr. Kutner, all working for CMO Gregory House, who doesn't wear a Starfleet uniform because he doesn't play by the rules.
Anyway. Nero says he doesn't speak for the Empire; he and his boys stand apart.
Nero: As does your Vulcan crewmember. Isn't that right, Spock?
Everybody: …uh, what?
Spock: wtf I don't even know you.
Nero: Not yet.
Nero says he has something he wants Spock to see. I know, it sounds pervy right? Heheheh. Sadly, it's not. Nero then tell Pike to come aboard the Narada for negotiations.
SHIT. DON'T DO IT, PIKE! That didn't work out so well for Captain Baldy McCoolio, and I like you so much more than him!
Anyway, Nero's like "later!" and disconnects. Pike stands in grim preparation—it's cheesy, but necessary. Kirk and Spock immediately begin trying to talk Pike out of going over there.
Kirk: He'll kill you. You know that.
Spock: Your survival is unlikely.
Kirk: Captain, we gain nothing by diplomacy. Going over to that ship is a mistake.
Spock: I, too, agree. You should rethink your strategy.
I love it when they agree with each other.
Pike knows all that, but he going over there anyway. He says he needs officers who've been trained in hand-to-hand combat, and Sulu raises his hand.
Pike, Kirk, Spock, and Sulu leave the bridge.
On the Narada, Nero tells Ayel to prepare the red matter. What's that? Oooh, the tension!
Turns out, the red matter is just what it sounds like: a big ball of shiny red stuff. They stick a needle into it and draw out an itty-bitty little portion of red matter and stick it in a huge-ass machine.
Back at the Enterprise, Pike says that since the transporter is fucked up, Kirk and Sulu and a doomed redshirt are going to space-jump from the shuttle. They'll land on the drill, disable it, and be beamed back up.
O btw Spock is in commands of the ship now, JSYK. Kirk is promoted to first officer.
Kirk: What?
Spock: Captain? Please, I apologize, the complexities of human pranks escape me.
LOL. Ladies and gents, that is what we know as Spock-speak for, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Pike tells Spock to stop being retarded, it's not a prank, then gets on the turbolift with Kirk and Sulu. Kirk's got a smirky "HA FUCK YOU" look on his face as he passes Spock, who kind of just looks confused. Aww, it's ok, bby. You two will be lovers soon enough.
Kirk wants to know what happens to Pike after they knock out the drill, and Pike says come and get him.
Pike: Careful with the ship, Spock, she's brand new.
Spock: *FIRST ARCHED EYEBROW OF AWESOMENESS IN THIS MOVIE*
God, you are so hot, Quinto.
Spock goes back to the bridge and takes his place in the captain's chair. And…I dunno about you guys, but I think Spock in that chair is so damn sexy. JUST that chair. JUST Spock. I think it's because I'm so used to seeing Kirk in the chair in TOS, and seeing Spock there (in nu!Trek and TOS alike) is like…Spock wearing Kirk's clothes. HAWT DAYUM.
Anyway. Spock calls for a report from Dr. Purée (Puri, Purée, whatever) but Bones says Purée's dead.
LOL I love how Bones just sounds irritated when he says "he's dead." Like it's an annoyance. Goddamn Puri, dyin' all the fuckin' time, screwin' up my schedule!
Spock, AKA Captain Obvious, tells Bones that he's chief medical officer then, and Bones is like, "Ye olde duh, Spock."
Pike, Kirk, Sulu, and Engineer Olson board the shuttle, the latter of the three wearing space-jumping suits. Guess what color the redshirt's suit is?
Go on, guess! You'll never get it!
(hint: it's red)
Sulu's is yellow. I know it's probably because he's in the command division and their color is yellow, but still. Yellow suit goes to the Asian guy?
lol racism.
Kirk's wearing blue. I guess they found some old sciences division uniform suit thing that would fit him in the back of the Enterprise's closet?
Kirk: You got the charges, right?
Redshirt: Oh yeah! I can't wait to kick some Romulan ass!
Hoo, boy. Poor soul. btw, lulz Kirk's expression. He knows the symptoms of Redshirtitus, and looks like he doesn't wanna get any on him.
Dr. House: REDSHIRTITUS? Let's get him an MRI!
Go home, House, we've already got a cranky doctor in this movie.
The shuttle takes off, and Kirk has already sensed the waves of death radiating from the redshirt, so he turns to Sulu to see if he's any more competent.
Kirk: So what kind of combat training do you have?
Sulu: Fencing.
Now, I learned from "The Princess Bride" that fencing is the practice of all kinds of sword fighting, but Kirk hasn't read that book so you know he's thinking of the sissy little flexible sword thing and going, "FML."
Pike tells the guys to pull their parachutes as late as possible since the Romulans might have defenses, and the boys make their jump.
It's a really awesome, quiet jump, with a few little bleeps and bloops here and there to remind us that this is Star Trek. They enter the atmosphere.
Meanwhile, on the shuttle, Pike is updating his Twitter: dropped the kids off at Spock's house, goin over to Nero's place to hang, bbl.
Chekov says the boys are approaching the platform at 5800 meters.
5000.
4600.
4500.
3000.
2000 meters, and Sulu's pulling his chute, which looks painful as hell, holy shit. I'm cringing. Kirk pulls his chute too, flopping around like a fucking dead monkey. Stop it, Kirk!
Redshirt drops right down further. He's a daredevil, this one. Kirk is like "PULL UR CHUTE U GODDAMN REDSHIRT" but it's a universally known fact that once a redshirt gets a stupid idea, it just goes downhill for him from there.
In a nutshell, the redshirt makes a lucky landing and ends up getting cooked by the Fiery Drill of DOOM!
Alas, poor redshirt. Kirk and Sulu freak out and Chekov is like "DUDE WTF." There's no point in acting all surprised about it, though.
Kirk touches down on the platform much more gently and is nearly dragged off, but he's JIM FUCKING KIRK so even worry.
THEN A BIGASS ROMULAN SHOWS UP, OMG. Kirk charges at him with a funny-as-hell battle cry and wrestles with him for the gun the Romulan has. This accomplishes nothing except screwing Sulu over by shooting holes in his chute.
You suck at this, Kirk. Fail.
Kirk gets in a good punch (win) and draws his phaser but the Romulan guy, Theodore I shall call him, is kinda just like "fuck that" and swats it away. It tumbles down to Vulcan, and I wouldn't be surprised if when it hit the ground it zapped some poor bastard who thought it was logical to go for a walk today.
Kirk gets in three nice wins by smacking Theodore around with his helmet when Theodore's friend Stu comes along. Kirk clocks him with his helmet and smacks Theodore again.
Sulu's chute snags onto the drill and his momentum sends him swinging so fucking close to the fire, omg. But Sulu retracts his chute and it pulls him up the platform and OHH FUCK BIG COLUMN OF FIRE! But before he gets cooked into a steaming hot plate of Chinese chicken (LOL SORRY I HAD TO SAY IT and yes i know he's japanese) he whips out his BADASS FUTURE KATANA and cuts himself free.
He stands up, takes a moment to let the camera pan around his kickass ready-for-action for pose, and then Stu draws his own sword against him while Kirk and Theodore grapple in the background.
Kirk punches Theodore, and then gets punched himself. Aw, you were doing so well there, for a while, Kirk!
More sword fighting with Sulu and Stu, and Kirk falls into frame, faceplanting on the platform. Fail. Theodore throws him over his shoulder and kicks him over the edge. WTF NO oh wait he's clinging to the edge for dear life! Theodore tries to stomp on his fingers. What a dick.
More sword fighting. There's parrying and thrusting (heehee_ and then Stu punches Sulu in the face. Ow. Bitch, don't fuck with my Sulu!
Theodore couldn't stomp on a roach if it was three feet long and glued to the floor, btw.
Stu parries violently! Ba-zing! Sulu falls! Eeek! But, what ho! FIERY COLUMN OF FIRE! Sulu gets an idea! Shing! Parry! Thrust! Other swordsy terms! Punch to the FACE! Ninja kick!
And Stu is cooked! Sulu FTW!
Theodore finally steps on Kirk's fingers, but then Sulu runs him RIGHT THE FUCK THROUGH, BITCH. Sulu, I fucking LOVE you. You are BADASS.
Sulu hauls Kirk up and they take out the drill, and there was much rejoicing. Yaaay.
Spock wants to know WTF the Romulans are doing to his planet.
On the Narada, some guy tells Nero that some Federation assholes fucked up their drill but it's cool 'cause the drill reached Vulcan's core. Awesome...so?
Nero launches the red matter. Psh, whatever. That shit was like, marble-sized. What could THAT do?
Kirk reports that the Romulans launched something into the hole, but nobody really cares. Srsly, Kirk, red matter is all talk and no action.
Chekov is like, "Um Spock they kind of just made a black hole in the middle of Vulcan. It's gonna consume the planet."
...oh.
Well...shit.
Vulcan only has minutes left, btw. Spock is like "ASDFGHKSJFKF NOT COOL NOT COOL" but, you know, more logical...and stuff.
Spock orders Uhura to alert Vulcan Command Center so they can get everyone the fuck off the planet. You're so cute and naive, Spock. Six billion Vulcans to evacuate in mere minutes during a planet-destroying crisis? lol good luck, my two little sisters and I can't figure out how to get out the front door when we're late for school. That's our crisis, and that's three little girls. Your planet is thoroughly FUCKED.
Uhura, instead of doing her goddamn job, decides to follow Spock to the turbolift and demand to know where he'll be. Grrr. I hate this pairing. Argh. That's not to say I judge anyone who ships Spock/Uhura, of course. I'm not a hater of that ship, nor am I an Uhura-basher. I adore Uhura. And in TOS, I wasn't totally against the ship. But in this verse? It doesn't do a single thing for me. In this verse (and TOS) I'm a Kirk/Spock shipper. And Kirk/Spock/Bones threesome, but only in this verse. Also, Spock/Chekov in this verse. LOL NO IDEA WHY, DON'T ASK ME. But come on, you can't tell me you wouldn't like it/think it's adorable if in this universe, everyone canonically has some sort of thing for Chekov.
Ensign Jailbait. Heh.
Kirk kind of wants to be beamed up now, kthx. The chick in charge of the transporter is annoyingly apathetic about it, though. She's just like "k hold on."
Nero orders his men to make like a hippie and blow this joint. They start retracting the drill, which kind of knocks Kirk and Sulu off balance which sends Sulu toppling off the drill and falling to Vulcan...without a goddamn chute, holy crap. And falling sort of messes with the whole "locking onto your signal so we can beam you up" thing.
Sulu's like "OMG" and Kirk's like "OMG" and jumps after him. He's so noble. Join me in swooning.
Sulu is wishing he'd fallen from a bit of a lower point because falling from a height that gives you enough time to contemplate just how much going SPLAT will hurt really blows.
Kirk slams into him and Sulu pulls Kirk's chute but it can't handle their combined weight (see: sexiness) so it snaps off. Well, that sucks.
Sulu: AHHHH!
Kirk: KIRK TO ENTERPRISE, HOLY SHIT, BEAM US UP!
Transporter chick: I can't lock onto your signal! You're moving too fast!
Kirk kinda doesn't give a flying fuck about signals and all the shit that makes transporting possible, he wants to be beamed up NOW.
CHEKOV TO THE RESCUE! God, this kid is adorable. And he's older than me.
Chekov: I can do zat...I can do zat! Take the comm! *flies away with a yellow beam of light trailing behind him like a Powerpuff Girl*
Some girl (who at first I thought was Momma Kirk for some reason, lol IDK) is a real downer and mentions that they won't be able to get a safe distance away from the black hole if they don't leave right now. Well shit, they've really gotta cram. Kirk and Sulu are freefalling, Spock hasn't even gotten to the transporter room yet, all the Vulcans are probably still down there running in logical circles screaming logically, "WHAT THE LOGICAL FUCK IS GOING ON!?"
Meanwhile, Chekov is sprinting like a sissy to the transporter.
Chekov: Move move move move move! I can do zat, I can do zat! Move move move move!
He flings himself at the controls and everyone else sorta throws themselves out of the way, like they think he could take them out, despite being a stringy little teenager that everyone wants to molest.
Chekov: Give me manual control! I can lock on!
ashdjfkgkd I FUCKING LOVE YOU, CHEKOV. You're ADORABLE and you're SMART and you're a PRODIGY and just GOD. Even my dad loves you. I know this because I was watching the movie with him and my little sisters and Lauren was all like, "I call dibs on Kirk," and I know I'm too old to partake in nonsense like that but SHE CHALLENGED ME so I blurted out, "I call Spock!"
Lauren: Then I call Bones! AND Scotty!
Me: Well I call Spock Prime!
Tara: I call Captain Pike and Nero!
Me: I call Ayel and Uhura!
Dad: I CALL CHEKOV! DIBS ON CHEKOV!
Me: :o
Lauren: :o
Tara: :o
Me: You're 51, Dad.
Dad: He'll be 18, soon.
Anyway. Kirk is still ignoring everybody telling him that they CAN'T FUCKING BEAM HIM UP but it's okay because Chekov's got this.
Kirk: NOW NOW NOW, DO IT NOW!
Compensating gravitational pull, aaand...BEAM! Right in the nick of time! Yay!
Kirk and Sulu look around like "whoa, we're not dead!" and then Spock comes along.
Spock: Move, bitches.
At first I was pissed that Spock didn't even acknowledge that Kirk and Sulu survived but then I remembered that Spock didn't even know that shit happened. He's like the guy at the party who goes to take a piss JUST when the two hottest cheerleaders start to make out, or some other shit that a guy at a party would hate to miss.
Kirk: What, are you going down there? Are you nuts? Spock, you can't do that!
Spock: Energize.
Kirk: SPOCK!
Aw, he cares. :3 Also, who's the idiot manning the transporter that thinks it's perfectly okay to send someone down to the surface of a planet that's being sucked into a goddamn black hole? I don't care if it's the acting captain who wants to go down there, that shit's retarded. Don't do that.
Spock materializes on Vulcan (can I just say that I love the way beaming looks in this movie?) where shit's falling and crumbling and not looking so good. He goes into the katric ark, which is, for God knows what reason, built right into the side of a mountain. He dodges falling rocks and shit up the wazoo as he runs. Jesus, could the Vulcan have picked a more horrible place to store their history during a crisis?
Momma and Poppa Spock look up as Spock tells everyone that everything's about to go to shit in like five seconds. He herds everyone out of the Horribly Situated Temple Ark Thingy (or, as I fondly call it, the HSTAT) except for two poor Vulcans who die. Once outside, he tells Chekov to beam them all up.
Transport in five, four, three, two—OH SHIT MOMMA SPOCK DIES!
Spock: MOTHER!
Chekov: I'm losing her! I'm losing her, I'm losing her!
Transporter: *LOL BEAM*
Chekov: No! I lost her! I lost her...
Spock materializes with his arm still outstretched for his mommy. He's covered in dirt and his face looks like a little kid's, all vulnerable and shit. Goddamn it, I can feel my heart breaking.
Kirk and Sulu, who stuck around to watch all this angst unfold, look at Spock like "omg dude..." and Chekov looks heartbroken that he couldn't save Momma Spock even though he managed to save Kirk and Sulu. You can tell he thought he should've been able to do it again. Poppa Spock is just like ":|" but you know on the inside he's like "D:".
Spock kinda staggers forward like "she should be RIGHT HERE." God, I want to cry.
And Vulcan is no more.
I figure I should split this up into halves since this is getting kind of ridiculously long and I'm only halfway through. 8D
