Well, lovelies, I know I said I was leaving the site, but Cursed Child was so bad that it brought me back with this parody. I haven't left fanfic completely—I've been posting another story on DeviantArt, actually, and if this one goes over well, I may crosspost it here.

Anyhow, my first hint that Cursed Child would be a hot mess was the rumor that Scorpius was Voldemort's son. I just….there is just so much wrong with it that I don't know where to start. And since the rumor was only the beginning of the canon breaking and logic fails….well, let's just say I don't consider the play as a whole to be canon. Geeky!Scorpius? Absolutely canon. Decent!Draco? He's been canon all along, in my book. Scorpius/Albus? Yes yes yes yes yes. But the rest of it is just a fanfic, and not a very good one.

You don't have to be a fan of the How It Should Have Ended shorts to enjoy this fic, but knowing about them can't hurt.


VOLDEMORT: So, let me see if I have this right. You, Older Draco, are married.

OLDER DRACO: Yes.

VOLDEMORT: And you have a Time-Turner.

OLDER DRACO: I figured that was obvious.

VOLDEMORT: You used that Time-Turner to bring your wife back with you, even though Time-Turners aren't supposed to work like that, and even though I treated you like something I stepped in for two years straight.

OLDER DRACO: Uh-huh.

VOLDEMORT: And now, instead of killing me or telling your younger self to, I don't know, flee to Greenland or something, you're asking me to do the do with your wife, who you are married to, and who I am not married to and do not find attractive, as I have never shown a romantic interest in anyone, no matter how much they might throw themselves at me.

BELLATRIX: But my lord!

VOLDEMORT: Shut up, Bellatrix. And put some clothes on over that bikini!

BELLATRIX runs off sobbing.

OLDER DRACO: That's about the size of it.

VOLDEMORT: You don't want me to go forward in time and lay waste to the future?

OLDER DRACO: Nope.

VOLDEMORT: You don't want to tell me how to win the war? How to keep Potter from destroying my—er, from discovering my secret to immortality?

OLDER DRACO: That's not half as good a plan as this.

VOLDEMORT: Wow, Malfoy. If you weren't such an idiot, I'd assume this whole thing was a ploy to get me into a vulnerable position so that wife of yours could stab me with a poison dart or something.

OLDER DRACO and ASTORIA trade glances.

ASTORIA: Heh heh.

She grins sheepishly and hides something behind her back.

VOLDEMORT: Waaaaiiiiit a minute, that was your plan! You were going to have your wife kill me! Naked!

OLDER DRACO: I really don't think the nudity is the worst part of this.

VOLDEMORT: You lying little snake! That is so not cool! Avada Ke—

IRON MAN: Tank missile!

VOLDEMORT is vaporized in the explosion. The dust clears, and OLDER DRACO and ASTORIA straighten, still embracing each other, their dual Shield Charms having protected them from the fire and debris. IRON MAN lands, his face plate sliding back.

IRON MAN: You know, I really don't see why I couldn't have just done that from the beginning.

ASTORIA: Of course you could have, but watching You-Know-Who be an idiot was just too much fun.

IRON MAN: Is there, uh, anything else you want me to explode? I got a whole sleeve full of these things.

OLDER DRACO and ASTORIA look at each other. They grin.