Well here goes nothing…

Adam knocked lightly on her door. He still had her key, it was in his pocket and it felt heavy but he couldn't give it up. Not yet. That would be like giving up on them. He sighed. Well technically there actually wasn't a them at the moment and he hated that; he hated every minute of the last few weeks.

He'd been angry, he'd been confused and every other emotion you could think of. Al had told him to get his head straight and decide what kind of cop he wanted to be. Of course he wanted to be the best kind of cop, but he also wanted a life at the end of the day. He didn't want to end up like the guy who was sleeping on his couch or spent years in his garage.

"Adam." Kim stuttered when she finally opened the door. She had spied him through the peephole and debated whether to answer it or not. Could her heart handle him? It was still so broken; it still hurt to see him. She had asked for a transfer but it was a knee jerk reaction and Erin was right. It would follow her and she couldn't run away from it forever.

"Hi. Can we talk?"

"What is there to talk about?" He took a step back like he had been slapped across the face. When did her voice become so cold?

"What is there to talk about?" Adam repeated. "How about us? How about we talk about that?"

"Adam, there is no us."

"And why is that Kim?" He shoved his hands deep into his pockets so she couldn't see them shaking. His finger's touching the key that he wasn't willing to give up. Leaning on the doorframe he made it quite clear he wasn't going anywhere.

"You know why."

"Actually I have no idea, because you haven't told me, you haven't returned a call….nothing." Adam's gaze was strong and steady; it was Kim who looked away. "For months things were fine and then suddenly you are gone."

"Suddenly?" Kim cried incredulously, her eyes flaring with anger. "It's what you wanted."

He took a step towards her. "Kim I don't want this. I never wanted this." He didn't even bother to hide the little wobble in his voice.

She stepped away from him, back into her apartment and Adam followed. He closed the door quietly behind him. Kim turned her back to him. She couldn't look at him, not right now. "You didn't want to get married."

"What?"

"You wanted to push the date back."

"No, you wanted to push the date back. You told me you wanted to push it back twice. I thought that's what you wanted. I wanted to make you happy."

"Roman…." She started

Adam interrupted her. "What's this got to do with Roman?"

"Roman said that if you agreed to push the date back it meant that you didn't want to marry me."

"Are you kidding me?"

"It's not just that. When I mentioned it again you didn't seem to care."

"Hold on…." Adam ran his hands roughly through his hair. "When I was jammed up on that undercover case? Again, that was you suggesting to not worry about it."

"Adam, we couldn't even find a place to live." Kim found her resolve weakening. Having him in the same room, in a room that they had spent a lot of time in was suffocating.

"We looked at like, three places. And they were all shit." The longer this conversation was going on the more confused he was becoming. Kim moved even further away from him. "You spend all your time at my place anyway, why the sudden need to find our own place. I always thought of it as our place."

"What about the dinner with my mother? You blew that off?"

"I know." That he had to admit was on him. "I am sorry." He dropped his head for just a minute. "I was scared. What if she didn't like me? My Dad…." Bringing his eyes up to meet hers again. "..he thinks marrying a cop is a bad idea and I didn't want him to put those thoughts in your mum's head. It was stupid, I panicked and I am sorry."

Kim rocked from foot to foot, unable to look at him because all she wanted to do was touch him, kiss him and feel his body pressed against hers. It had been torture going to bed each night alone and now he was here in her apartment and she knew that in a instant she could have him and then they would be right back at the start again. "Why don't you want to get married? You've been engaged three times."

"I want to marry you. I do. I love you. Why do you think that I don't?"

"Everyone keeps asking about the wedding, Platt has been engaged a hot minute and she is closer to getting married than us and you kept blowing off setting a date."

"No Kim, you kept blowing it off. You kept telling me you wanted to push it back. What was I supposed to think?"

"It was a test." Kim yelled at him.

"What was a test?"

"Asking you to push the date back. He said if you agreed you didn't want to get married."

"Who? Who said?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter. Was it Roman?" He spat out Roman's name like it was poisoned. He was starting to think this guy had another agenda. That surge of jealousy he felt when he saw them laughing together had surprised him. Maybe he was right to be concerned.

"It doesn't matter. You agreed."

He shook his head, barely comprehending what she was telling him. "You gave me a test? What are we, in fucking high school?"

"Don't yell at me?"

"I can't believe this." He threw his hands in the air. "So you talked to everyone but me. Roman, bloody Eddie, Platt and god knows who else, but you didn't talk to me?" Adam couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You didn't want to talk about it."

"You never asked." Adam continued. "Do you know how screwed up that sounds? I have been miserable without you and all because fucking Roman told you to 'test' me and rather than actually have a conversation with me you chose to listen to him. What? Is he that keen to get into your pants?" Those words stung, he knew that by the look on her face. "You know what Kim? I love you; more than you will ever know but I think maybe you need to decide what you want. When I proposed to you it was because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I still do."

"You are not being fair."

"No, I've been fair. I've been completely honest with you. I've tried to call you, you didn't return one call, one message. I've tried to talk to you and you just blew me off. I've tried." It was then that his voice broke. He paused and sucked in a deep breath. "You've got my number…." He stopped with one hand on the doorknob. "If you really want to have an adult conversation about this. If you really want to work this out you know where I am." He paused briefly and looked at her, looked at the tears spilling freely down her cheeks. "I am so in love with you."

And he left wiping a tear from his eye as he did.