07/032ABY

I don't keep journals. A record of my innermost thoughts, of my hidden feelings – too dangerous. Something that could be used against me as a member of the Rebellion, as a member of the Imperial Senate, as a Princess of Alderaan.

But what choice do I have now, when there is no one – sentient or droid – to whom I can speak about my current state? When anyone to whom I might normally turn has their own interests, curiosity or agenda regarding any potential romantic relationships I may have, and will certainly have more than a little to say about the appropriateness of the romantic relationship I do? did? have. For the first time in my life, I find myself desperately needing to speak to someone, to find someone who understands the depth of the pain I am in. I realize I should feel guilt at allowing my pain to be this deep over one man when billions died on Alderaan, and I do, but still…he found a part of me that I wasn't aware existed.

I need my mother, but the Empire made that impossible.

I need Luke, but I worry that he has feelings for me which I never shared, and while he would feel obliged to listen, and to be compassionate, I don't wish to cause him any unnecessary pain.

I need Han…and he's gone.

So here I am in front of my datapad, trying to clear my mind of those two words that seem to have taken up residence in my brain and synced themselves to my heartbeat: he's gone…he's gone…he's gone…

Trying to avoid Luke, who doesn't deserve to be avoided, because although he will not speak about what happened in his duel with Vader on Bespin last week, it is clear to me that Vader destroyed him as effectively as he destroyed me.

Trying to wrap my head around what I will say to the Alliance High Command when I go before them to inform them that until Han is found, my loyalties – and my time – will be divided.

Trying to understand why I heard Luke when he called out to me through the Force.

Mostly, trying not to regret all the time I wasted pretending not to feel what I was feeling, and trying not to see in every waking moment and in every vivid nightmare the look in Han's eyes in those last moments before the carbonite…

I love him.

He's gone.

And I will move every heaven and all the hells of Corellia to bring him back.