Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, nor any Fairy Tale character or God remotely mentioned in here.


Excuse me, can I pass through? … Sorry… Pardon, can you move a little… I really need to get on that stage…. Sorry… Excuse me sir…. MOVE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSHAT!

Ahem.

Welcome, everyone. My name is D Authoress, and that is how you will address me. No names calling like Ice bitch, whore, dickhead, asshole, popcorn, dork, swine, fucSHUT THE HELL UP! … And alike. Thank you.

Today or better said, tonight I will be your host and narrator in this wonderful little story that poor unfortunate souls known as Naruto cast and others have sacrificed themselves for you.

Before we commence this ungodly pleasure, let me warn you all to pay close attention to what will be presented without ill feelings. There may be some mentions of illegal food trafficking, most of the seven deadly sins, incestism, nymphomanism, fairy talesm, alcoholism, pedophilism, reverse zoophilism, zoophilism, despotism, crackism, gambleism, drugism, sadism and bitchism.

You have been warned. Let us proceed with our story.


Across the seven seas, beyond the seven breezes, over the seven forests, around the seven hills, in a valley big as a mountain a village grunted. Eeer, I mean, lay. In this lived many beings know to us as humans; every single one different from other.

The people, thus the village, were ruled by three families which shared the same amount of love for their home town, but not the power.

The weakest of the three was certainly the Hyuga's; a family divided into two houses- the Main and the Branch one. The Hyuga family was in charge of overseeing the business their village had with the outside (e.g. import, export) and for centuries, they have done a swell job. The village never lacked in materials needed for survival because of them, so they worshiped the dirt they walked on.

The second in command were Uchiha's; an even bigger family than Hyuga's and even more respected. Well, not that much respected as feared. The Uchiha's were in charge of the village's police and military forces. Right in the center of the village stood a proud and tall building, marked with their family's symbol; a red and white fan. Which, to your dear D Authoress looked like a poke-ball, but who cares? They were a big family, and their numbers itself could make a small, decent village.

The first and most loved family was Senju, in which many outsiders mingled so there were hardly pureblooded, but the people still saw them as Senju's. Officially, they were the leaders of the village, titled Hokage, and stood high above everybody else. Unofficially, they took care of the paperwork. Because of the lousiness of their job which tended to make their heads blow, they tried to push it somebody (ANYBODY!) else. But the villagers would have none of that, so they were stuck.

The current leader-Hokage, was a beautiful maiden in her fifties, but looked like she just turned thirty, was Tsunade Senju. Her most trustful advisors (the bane of her life) were Hyuga Hiashi and Uchiha Fugaku, the previously mentioned family's heads. The three spent their days lazing around in the highest tower in the village, biting each other's heads of. It would all end in one nasty battle- Hiashi out cold, Fugaku doing paper work and Tsunade out in one of the villages most visited gamble house. Peachy, isn't it?

It was an unwritten rule that families never mingled, except Senju's who were beyond repair. So it did came as quite of shock to Uchiha's when their heir, Itachi, proclaimed he was madly in love with the Senju (probably not) Deidara, an inspiring artist that liked to bomb things every once in a while. How the heck that love bloomed, nobody had a slightest idea.

"What did you say?" Fugaku asked, leaning back into his wives arms, weakened by the news. Their oldest son stood in front of them, his face impassive.

"I'm notifying you that I am going to marry Senju Deidara." Mikoto, a pale raven headed beauty, the current (and only, as far as she was concerned) wife of Uchiha family head, gulped. Fugaku would not approve of this.

"Itachi, son, are you feeling well?" Fugaku asked, concerned about his son's mental health. Itachi's eyebrow rose slowly.

"I am sane father, thank you for asking." Fugaku breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh good, I thought you said…"

"I did." Mikoto wondered whether the hitching in her husband's voice was a sign of incoming panic attack. Itachi's schooled expression never changed, even when he stood up and sent them a smirk.

"I am not here to ask for your permission father. Who I chose to marry is not your choice, but mine. I am simply telling you not to be surprised when a new Uchiha joins our ranks." With that, he bowed and left the room. Two minutes later, a loud roar left Fugaku's throat, alerting everybody in the hearing range he didn't take the news quite well. Mikoto sighed, wishing her son all the happiness in the world. It will take a month, or a year, but Fugaku will accept it.

Lurking in the shadows of the Uchiha Mansion was one Uchiha Sasuke, listening in the conversation that took place in his home. His eyebrows furrowed; his Aniki was going to marry an outsider! Even for a twelve year old, he knew what that meant; the best case scenario was for father to disown Itachi. He did not want to think about the worst.

Later that night, while most of the villagers were celebrating a long days' work in pubs and such, two tall and proud man stood before the Hokage. Tsunade's look was hard to decipher, but so were Itachi's; Deidara was squirming in his place, concerned about the decision the Itachi made. But, he was his lover, and future husband, he will take what may come with him.

"Are you sure about this?" She asked both of them, not happy with what was going to happen. "You know that once you are outside of the village's gates, we cannot protect you."

"We are certain. If we stay here, I have no doubts father will want both of our heads on his plate." Deidara gulped; he had hard time dealing with Uchiha's before his outing with Itachi. Tsunade took one last look on her nephew (blood related or not) and his lover, before giving them a gentle smile.

"Good luck, brats!"

When morning came, news about Uchiha's heir and one Senju eloping was all over the village; people could barely contain themselves from gossiping about it. Especially with a fuming Police Head walking around, barking at whoever look at him. It was only a matter of time before news reached the ears of the young Sasuke; who took the terribly.

Without his brother here, there was nobody to protect him from the family's cold and greedy hands; he will be forced to take the Itachi's place, something he never wanted. Without even blinking (Ok, he scowled) he ran as fast as he could towards the gates and beyond.


Ah, that was good. Let's take a little break, OK? You! Yeah, you! Bring me some refreshments… Hmmm, that's a good question… Water will be nice.

Oh yeah, you lot. Well, you can go out for a ten minute break… I don't know, smoke a cigarette, eat a muffin, do something!

Oh, thank you dear…. Tap water, I presume? Don't sweat it, I have nothing against it. I'm paying for it, either way!

What are you staring at? Nobody wants a break? Are you sure? … Jeez, no need to glare at me. Ahem….. Khkmk! Fine, let us continue.


Sasuke was running like a Cerberus was hot on his heels, trying to find any lead to his brother on the way. While doing such a splendid job, he caught an eye of a quite bored Medicine Goddess; otherwise known as Sakura.

She was a pretty thing to stare at; had soft, straight pink hair, shiny emerald eyes and pale, flawless skin. Naturally, for a beauty like her a few could match. That few happened to be the poor sweating boy in the woods. Grinning like a madman, she decided to offer that silly mortal an opportunity to bed her.

In all her arrogance, she appeared before him.

It took total of five second for Sasuke to stop, size her up, grunt and pass beside her. Dumbstruck by such behavior, she stopped him in his tracks.

"Wait boy! Do you not wish to know who I am?" Sasuke turned around and gave her a mighty glare, one his father would be proud of.

"I have no time for pesky idiot." Poor, ignorant fool will regret the day he insult the Goddess. Mad beyond reasons, her hair turned bloody red and her eyes bulged out.

"You fool! I am a Goddess, and for insulting me, you shall be cursed!" A mighty roar escaped her mouth and Sasuke was enveloped in a whirlpool of light, wind and leaves. It was a good thing he never suffered from motion sickness.

"You are forever bound to walk this forests, in you hideous form! Never shall you find an exit or what you seek until you've been forgiven for your sins!" With that, she returned to her more pleasant state and gave a giggle. "Bye now! ~" And she vanished with a 'pop'.

Sasuke, who was a little bit green in his face, shakily approached the conveniently nearby stream. What he saw in it almost made him scream. Almost.

Staring back at him was his normal and pale, handsome face. With lots and lots of black fur. Atop of the raven mop of hair were seated a pair of small, wolfish like ears. Blinkingly and unbelievingly looking further, he noticed that there was fur everywhere. The killer move was a fluffy tail, making 'whoosh' noises behind him. He promptly fainted.

And so, the young human, now turned half-wolf, began his days of wandering. Seeking a way to get out of the forest and his form, but never calling upon the bitch that turned him into this. He was too proud to ask for help from her, and no amount of loneliness or weirdness made him want to do so. Four years passed, and the young half-wolf grew tall and strong; he was now of a settling age. His swooshy and black tail was longer and thicker, his ears more prolonger and the fur on his body reduced. If you looked really good, you could see his handsome and oh-so gorgeous features on him.

Of course, he was greatly bore and he found that talking to trees did little to satisfy him. So he walked, lonely and utterly bored, never to leave this woods. Until he asked for forgiveness, but that was somewhere near impossible for him.

He was almost ready to give up hope and lie down and die, when he chanced upon a young human teenager, who was twirling around in the field of flowers.

Sasuke's eyes widened, not believing what they saw. There was actually somebody here! And a human! A deliciously smelling human! Sexy curved and tight assed human! OK, so his hormones were kicking in, sue him!

The human in front of him had a blonde halo of hair, just til his shoulders. He was wearing an orange shirt which was barely covering his rear, and was shoeless. Sasuke could easily see the ripeness of his barely noticeable muscles, the brightness of his sun-kissed skin, the tightness of those fine legs, the roundness of his rosy cheeks, the plumpness of his curvy mouth and the electrifying look of those sky-blue eyes. He was starting to breathe heavily, his blood boiling, heart thumping, stomach flipping… The normal symptoms of a crush were obviously haunting the young Uchiha wolf.

For a half an hour, he sat there, hidden in the shadow of a tree, watching the adorable human twirling around, dancing and bending (there, he drooled) before he took time to approach him. Slowly, he closed in on his pray, all the while smirking to himself. He was so lost in his world of what will he do to the human when he gets his paws on him, that he didn't notice the electrifying gaze on himself.

But when he did, he stilled his movements. The blonde tilted his head, a confusion swirling in those glazed eyes. Wait, glazed? Sasuke took in the slushiness of the blonde's body, the glazed gaze and dilated pupils. Was he high on something? The giggle that left the blondes mouth confirmed his suspicions.

"Hey there, Wolf-san!" Even his slurred voice was delicious and like a heaven melody to the wolf's ears. High or not, he will have him! The blonde took a casual step forward. "Are you 'ere to eat me?" He asked, his eyes widening in a playful terror. Sasuke smirked.

"I am thinking about somewhere along those lines." The blonde giggled again.

"You're funny!" Then, he took upon a serious face and beckoned him to come closer. Sasuke did so, and found himself face to face with the human. Now that he looks better, he's even prettier. Those lines on his face just made him more delicious. "Wanna know a secret?" 'If it has anything to do with your tendencies in bed, please do tell!' Sasuke thought.

"Yes." Naruto nodded, and after a minute where Sasuke was starting to get worried, he said:

"I was supposed to deliver cookies to somebody, y'know? But then, I got hungry, reeeeeally hungry!" What kind of secret was this? "And I ate them!" He proclaimed proudly, before taking on a graver tone. "But that was baaaaad! Iruka always says that I shouldn't eat other's stuff." Sasuke was in the middle of wondering whether this idiotism was worth a night with the blonde. Looking back at his body, he concluded, hell yes!

"But, you were hungry." He said, at what the blonde perked up.

"Yeah! And the cookies were soooo gooood! I couldn't stop eating them!" They were probably drugged, Sasuke mussed. That or the blonde was on constant crack.

"Hn." He said, quite smartly. The blonde's head stopped spinning around and concentrated, barely, on Sasuke.

"Hey, hey, what's your story?"

"Why do you think I have one?" The blonde rolled his eyes.

"Everybody here does! They are either cursed, or their loved ones are or they run away or…" So there are more people cursed in here? Why hadn't he run across them in the four years he was here?

"Some Goddess cursed me and turned me into this." The blonde's face took a thinking stance.

"Hmmm, there are three Goddess who curse; Ino, who is too busy hunting down her lover, Karin, who never curses a normal human so I'm guessing it was Sakura." What the… ? How did he know that?

"Sakura?"

"Pink haired whore that has egoistical issues." That sounded like her. "I'll say you refused her offer to sleep with her." She didn't even ask, that bloody bitch!

"No. I told her I had no time to chit-chat and she cursed me." The lithe blonde nodded apprehensively .

"Yep, that's her. I have a friend; she cursed him because he fell asleep during her intro." What was this world turning into? Sasuke gazed back at the blonde.

"And you…" Suddenly, the blonde's face turned into a grin.

"C'mon, Wolf-san! Let's meet everyone!" He grabbed the furry hand and pulled him towards him, running into the forest once again. Sasuke was left to try and follow him; for a short human, he ran pretty fast. Soon enough, they found themselves in a large meadow, surrounded by a dozen people-something.

The blonde turned around, smiling blissfully.

"I'm Naruto! What's your name?" Naruto, such a delicious name for a delicious person…

"Sasuke." He answered in a husky tone, earning himself another smile. Naruto tugged him towards the bored looking red head that held a basket in his hands, and had a long red cape around him.

"Sasuke, this is Gaara. He is what you would call a merchant around here." Gaara send him a mildly interested look, before he nodded. Sasuke returned swiftly.

"He is the only one who can leave the forest, but only during the night." Naruto continued. "That's how we get our food; he steals from the village!"

"Then I resell it here." Gaara added, almost prideful at the fact he steals food, and then sells it again. Naruto tugged him again, now forcing him against a clearly asleep brunette. Who was standing while doing so?

"Shikamaru here is cursed to sleep. He can stay awake for total of ten minutes, and then he falls again." The brunette grunted something in his sleep, and then nodded. Sasuke found this very interesting.

Next one was a rather pissed brunette, with a scar across his nose. He was wearing an apron and cleaning tools in one hand. Naruto jumped him.

"This is Iruka! He is like a mother to all of us!" Iruka smiled appreciatively to Sasuke, offering his hand for a shake.

"Sasuke." He said, to which the man nodded.

"Glad to have you with us. If you're hungry, there is some pie over there." He said and showed towards the badly made wooden table in the middle of the company.

"I'm going to introduce him to everyone first!" And a second later. "Is there ramen?" Iruka face palmed.

"No Naruto, there is not." Naruto pouted, which Sasuke found highly arousing, and continued the intro.

"This here is Sai." Naruto showed him a ghostly pale raven, who just smiled at them. "Sakura cursed him ten years ago coz he called her ugly." Sasuke found himself smiling at the teen, liking him more and more each minute. Naruto's smile flattered. "He's mute." God that bitch just loved making others miserable!

Besides them there were Kiba, who Ino, the Goddess of Love, cursed because he fell in love with his dog. She made him dance all day, without stopping. The nights were reserved for sleeping, mostly.

Then, there was Orochimaru, a pedophilic man who like bedding young boy- so Ino and Karin together imprisoned him into the Forest. His targets were usually 10 year olds, so Sasuke thanked the Gods for never venturing here before he grew up. Also, he was a snake during daytime. Oddly enough, Naruto was rather good with him; which Iruka contributed to Naruto's naivety. That, and Orochimaru improved himself in the last ten years.

Kakashi, a silver haired dude, was unfortunate enough to meet Sakura who cursed him for reading a book while she was in front of him. His punishment- enormous sex drive. Luckily, Iruka took care of it daily.

And the last one was some girl named Hinata, of whom Sakura was jealous of, so she made the girl crave for apples every single second of her life. The pie Iruka made was an apple one, probably because of this.

Later, Naruto told him that Iruka was cursed because he fell in love with Kakashi, and Ino made him stay in the forest. If you were not cursed, then you were hauled out of it quickly.

Hours after, when their tummies and curiosity were satisfied, Sasuke was still wondering why was Naruto here. The boy was a bubbly bag of sunshine, making everyone's life brighter; so why would somebody curse him? He noticed that Ino and Karin mostly cursed for good, Sakura was a tricky one.

With those questions in mind, Sasuke lay down next to a smiling Naruto on the grass; the blonde's head turned to him, his whole face radiating with happiness.

"Naruto…"

"Yes Sasuke?" He stilled, trying to formulate his question right.

"Why are you trapped inside the forest?" Naruto's baby blue eyes shadowed a little bit, before he softly grinned.

"Let me tell you a bit about Gods first, OK?" Sasuke waited for the story to begin, not getting what the Gods History had to do with this. "There are many Gods in the world, three of them females; Ino the Goddess of Love, Sakura the Goddess of Medicine and Karin the Goddess of Knowledge." That he gathered. "Ino's lover is the God of War, Choji- a rather enjoyable guy. Then, there is the God of Sun, Minato and his father Jiraya, the God of Hunt." Here, he turned to the Sun, smiling gently at it. "Other noticeable ones are the God of Moon Obito, the God of Waters Zabuza, the God of Forests Tenzo, the God of Fire Kurama and the God of Death, Madara." Sasuke's mind was full with information he never knew. Sure he knew there were Gods, but not their names or purpose; back in the village they kind of prayed to them in general. Naruto's lovely gaze turned to him. "It happens sometimes a God falls in love with a human. That's why Sakura sleeps with so many men." OK, he knows that can happen.

"And?" He said, pushing further.

"Well, you see Haku, one of my friends, is Zabuza-sama's lover. He was living with us until two years ago, when Zabuza-sama took him to where the Gods live." Wow! That, he didn't expect. "Orochimaru too was a lover of some minor God, before he decided grown men aren't his forte. He is actually 150 years old." Double wow! He looked barely fifty! Naruto continued, still gazing at the Sun. "That old hag Hokage is a Semi-God, the granddaughter of the Goddess of Storm, Mito." He knew she was not normal. Wait, Naruto knew Tsunade? Was he from his village also?

"And this is where I come." Naruto said, turning to look at Sasuke. "My mother is the current and only lover of Minato. Kurama, my older brother, chose immortality over humanity and became a God."

"Your father is a God?" Sasuke asked, bewildered by this. Naruto chuckled.

"Yep, not only dad, but nii-chan, Mito-baa and Jiraya-jiji also." Sasuke could only gape, unable to say anything.

"I was supposed to become a God myself, y'know?" Shit! He spent the last few hours thinking of deviling a Demi-God! He turned an apologizing eye towards the Sun, hoping he won't cook him.

"Actually, when I think about it, I am." Naruto added, thinking it over in his head. Double shit! Alarms in Sasuke's head were way beyond repair. "But, I decided to live here, on Earth. Let's just say nii-chan made it harder for me to stay." Sasuke cocked an eyebrow, mussing about what the blonde said. Naruto started giggling, pulling out a bottle of sake from who knows where. He took a long and healthy gulp of it, before offering it to Sasuke. He accepted it, finding it hard to function properly without alcohol. All around them others were already passed out, drugged by those cookies and drunk from the dozens of empty bottles in the field. Hinata was currently kicking Kiba in her sleep, Kakashi was humping Iruka away and Gaara was sleeping atop of Shikamaru. Curious people, indeed.

Naruto continued with his story, after emptying the second bottle he pulled out. By then, Sasuke was barely able to keep his eyes closed and his hands to himself. He was tracing the lines on Naruto's face gently, liking the softness of his skin. He wondered if it tasted nicely as it looked.

"I mean, I'm not th't improt'nt… Imma fox god!"

Maybe if it licked it, he'll find out…

"H'ave to pr'tect aaaaalll those foxies!"

But then again, his lips would be much better to taste…

"N 'ere's cool, right?"

Yes, his plum, rosy and so kissable lips…

"Being human is fun! Right, right?"

… So delicious…

"S'ukeeeee….mmmMMMmMm…."

And that's how one wolf looking Sasuke Uchiha ended up kissing, and later, making love to one Fox God, Naruto. In front of all those cursed, but dead drunk, people. While his parents were looking from above; both giggling.

It would take few more years for Sasuke to start missing his home and wanting to go back; but during that time he was too busy partying, eating drugged cookies, drinking sake, torturing asleep Shikamaru, jumping Naruto on every step and gambling away in true Tsunade fashion. Oh, and about those cookies Naruto ate? They were Sai's, but he never said anything about it so all was well.

Eventually, Sakura turned him back into his devilishly handsome human form (made so by Minato who was sick of his son having to be bedded with a half-animal); and when she did, the first thing Sasuke did was take Naruto to his village where they met up with Tsunade. It turned out Mito, Tsunade's Goddess of a grandmother, was also Naruto's mother ancestor. Weird, huh?

Sasuke met up with his father and mother, to say his greetings, explain about the curse and tell them his lover was technically a Senju too. Sasuke thought Fugaku took it pretty well; Naruto was too busy trying to survive his wrath. He once heard about Itachi- he was happily living his life in some other village, married to the love of his life, Deidara. Not to be outdone, Sasuke too proposed to his foxy little lover.

After they stayed for over a month, together they returned to the Forest (Now with the capital letter) where Naruto cursed Sasuke to call it home, so that he could stay with the druggie group forever.

It would be wishful to say they lived happily ever after; Naruto did try to kill Sasuke when he found out he was pregnant. Both times. Don't ask how, he's a God.


Well, audience, this is where our story ends. I realize it is not that well written, and that you may have noticed some flaws in it but… Suck it up like a man…. Or a woman, yes thank you.

Now, all of you, GTFO and do remember what have you learned from this little piece of art work I like to call 'The shittiest story on Planet'. Good night and sleep tight!

"….. Is it just me or does it seems like everybody is headed towards those suspiciously coincidentally nearby plate of cookies?"

"Yeah, you want one?"

"Hell to the yes!"


A/N: What the fuck was I on?