Title: Good Bye, and Thanks for Turning me Into a Fish
Genre: Humor / Parody
Pairing: Harry/?? (Probably Luna, but nothing's set in stone)
Summary: Albus makes a horrendous mistake and Harry learns of betrayals and manipulations. The aftermath leaves Harry with new friends and surprising allies.
Albus Dumbledore looked across the Ministry Atrium as Harry was ensnared in Voldemort's mental grasp. The boy uttered phrases at the bidding of his puppet master. Mentally, the old man scowled, he didn't like anybody else controlling the boy. He certainly wouldn't kill him either. Sure, the world would say that he was kind and benevolent, unable to take another life after his own fateful destiny was finished. The truth, however, was far from it. He needed Harry, if only for the things Harry still needed to do for him.
With his mind made up, he mentally went through his head, searching for the perfect spell. It couldn't be dark, though he could easily justify it to the Ministry. A few options were quickly discarded, as amusing as it would be, he couldn't distract the Dark Lord by transfiguring him into a woman. Then it came, the perfect spell. Not only would it free the boy, but it would keep Voldemort inactive long enough for Mr. Potter to be sent back to his relatives for the summer. He would have one shot, and only one shot to do what needed to be done. Tom wasn't foolish enough to allow him another try.
A bit of perspiration coated his hand, causing the wizard to grip his wand a bit harder than required. The required short twirl followed by a stiff jab, which was probably a bit too stiff in hindsight, was the only indication that the defeater of Grindlewald had done anything before a blinding blue light shot out of his wand and hit Harry 'boy-who-lived' Potter square in the chest.
That same blue light was also the only indication to the Headmaster that something went wrong. The thought barely had time to be processed in his mind before the boy shrank in front of the two powerful wizard's eyes. Soon bright golden scales replaced the boy's skin as his eyes bulged out. Hands turned to fins as his legs shrunk together. The boy was transforming into a goldfish before their eyes, and the old man had no idea what went wrong.
Albus looked across the room, studying Riddle's face. The first emotion the Dark Lord slipped was confusion, followed by indignation. The two foes looked at each other. After Voldemort realized that this wasn't some master plan by his former transfiguration professor and that said transfiguration professor actually messed-up something unintentionally, the Dark Lord proceeded to laugh his first true laugh of humor in over thirty years. A slightly annoyed, but masterfully hiding it, Albus turned his gaze back to the boy-who-was-turned-into-a-goldfish and grimaced as he saw his pupil flopping around, in obvious need of water. The esteemed headmaster conjured a fish bowl with water for the flopping goldfish and unceremoniously dropped the fish in.
Unsure what to do with Harry, the headmaster decided to deal with it later. The Dark Lord was currently in hysterics on the floor, which was opportunity, and reason, enough to hex him into next week.
As soon as the headmaster stashed the bowl into his robes and raised his wand, Aurors flooded the building and Voldemort made his hasty escape.
Of course, Professor Dumbledore couldn't let the truth get out, and so concocted the story that he had whisked the boy away, moments from his sure death at the hands of Voldemort. The Daily Prophet would be running stories over the coming weeks of how the Head of the Wizengamot had cast an unknown spell that had blasted You-Know-Who to the floor. The ministry was informed that they couldn't see Harry due to the fact that he would need time to recover from the life-threatening ordeal before he would be able to speak with investigators.
After hours of hasty story making, boring meetings with the Minister apologizing profusely, and cleaning up the mess of his wayward students, the Headmaster portkeyed himself, and his new pet fish, back to his office. He would have a lot of thinking to do.
A weary sigh escaped the old man's lips as he stared at the offending round glass bowl, filled with the colorless liquid and housing his ticket to the world. It had been hours since he first stepped foot into his office. The first thing he did when he arrived was making sure there were no holes in his stories and reports. After finding everything up to his usual standards, he turned to his second task, which was turning Mr. Potter back into his rightful form.
After spending an hour using the most powerful of curse-breaking magics to no result, he tried the simplest of counter spells, 'Finite Incantum'. This too yielded nothing. Neither did any of the Transfigurations he tried. At the end of the time, all he accomplished was a headache and a bit of magical exhaustion.
He sent another glare at the offending fish, for all he could tell, that's all Mr. Potter was now- A fish. 'Now that's an idea," thought the Headmaster as he stroked his long beard as he started to pace around the room.
'It's been proven time and time again that those who have been cursed into another creature, such as werewolves, retain no memory of their time as that being. As opposed to transfigured persons, such as Animagi. Since I tried all the standard and obscure transfiguration counters on Harry, it means that for all intent and purpose, at this time, Mr. Potter has the mind of a fish.'
Once the thought took hold in Dumbledore's head, he spent countless minutes looking at the facts from every angle until he struck his open palm with his other fist. "Excellent," the twinkle in his eyes was beyond compare. The old man had a plan, a plan he found to be most ingenious.
He turned back to the fish bowl with a shockingly wicked grin on his face before he waved his wand and encased the two in the most advanced privacy spells and wards he knew.
The goldfish swam frozen in place, as if almost in shock, as confession after confession passed through his professor's lips. Foul deed upon foul deed listed before him like it was merely a commentary on the weather. Plot beyond plot unveiled, plots against his very being by the one person he trusted like a grandfather. To bluntly put it, the fish was floored.
Fortunately, for Harry, goldfish have only one expression and so any indication that he actually understood exactly what was being said passed by the Headmaster's notice. Amongst the questions passing through the Fish-Who-Lived, he couldn't help but wonder why the elderly wizard was telling him all this. Beyond the obvious that he thought that Harry was, indeed, fish in mind and not Harry. What was there to be gained?
As his mind sought to fully comprehend the meaning behind everything he was just told, two new figures entered the office. Once again saved by the goldfish's lack of facial expressions, as his eyes would have bugged out either way, two completely unharmed Ron and Hermione sat down. Not that he should have been surprised; the Headmaster had confessed to them being slightly less than stellar friends.
The next thing Harry knew, he was on a side table off Hermione's bed. Apparently, the Headmaster requested that they take care of the fish-Harry until they could find a way to reverse the transformation. He would have been terribly miffed if he hadn't been able to watch the various girls in his year in various states of undress.
The thrill of being a goldfish soon wore off. Sure, the mornings and nights were wonderful, but there was only so much to do as a goldfish. He counted the number of stones on the wall next to his bowl. He had played "Guess which fallen brazier belongs to which girl" numerous times. He had even tried to see if goldfish had any fish-bits, so to say. The last was rather hard, he ended up swimming in circles for hours before he realized he just couldn't tell. This, of course, led to a mental break down with the thought of "Well, it's bad enough I'm a goldfish, but what if I was turned into a female goldfish". Needless to say, he needed to get out of this form, and fast.
He tried many methods to retain his former features. He had taken a deep breath, counted to 10, and then chanted every spell he knew. He wished upon a fallen star. Though, he had to admit, since his bowl wasn't near a window, he had to make due with Parvati's Stars & Moons panties. It was now his third day as a fish and his hope was slowly dimming.
Swimming around, he started to think about how he use to take being human for granted. Sure, he now knew his life was mostly a sham, but it was still nice- having two legs to stand on; Flying, defiantly flying; Being able to eat Treacle Tart. If goldfishes could sigh, he would have. What he didn't notice is that as he thought more and more about being human again and the picture of his former human self became clearer in his mind, he slowly transformed back into a human. It wasn't until he accidentally shattered the bowl that he realized he was turning back into a human.
A short victory dance later, Harry rushed back into the boys' dormitories and jumped into the shower. A nice hot shower, fresh clothes, and a chocolate frog later, Harry laid back on his bed and fingered the wand in his pocket. Now that he was human again, he had to do something. Dumbledore would surely go back to manipulating him. He still didn't understand why Dumbledore actually told him all that. Unless he thought that he wouldn't remember. Harry shrugged. He would need to do some research, but first, he had somebody he had to contact.
A/N - I started this back in Feb. I updated it earlier this month, but I don't know when I'd be able to write more for it. This is actually based of a weird dream I have. It would eventually entail Harry, Snape, and Sprout starting a TV watching club, something about breathing fire (eh, if I ever write it, it would make sense), and a diary like Tom Riddle's, without the whole "possession" down-side.
