Missing You
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Donald P Bellisario and Don McGill, the song belongs to Jem. I own nothing but an overactive imagination.
I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb
This wasn't supposed to happen, things weren't meant to go down that way, she wasn't meant to be in any danger it was him who had been threatened not her. She was supposed to be here laughing, joking with DiNozzo about the bullet she'd taken in the vest for him. Turning to look at her now vacant desk he saw Kate standing there, but it couldn't be her, she was down in Ducky's care now, the angry red welt in the center of her forehead gave away that what he was seeing was a part of his overactive mind.
"Why me, Gibbs?" She asked confused.
"Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you... Why did I have to take two?" He knew she wasn't really there, that this was his brain trying to deal with everything that had happened on that rooftop but that didn't seem to help.
"I - I don't know." It was the one question he couldn't answer right now, he was wrestling with images of her mad at him for her death, and she was right to be mad at him, it was his fault she was there in the first place. Now he was left numb by the whole situation, lost to it, this wasn't supposed to happen, she was meant to be here.
I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart
He tried to think back to better times, to cases solved, families put to rest and questions answered, however for some reason he kept coming back to their time on the Philadelphia and more specifically the moment during the emergency blow when she had been forced up against him as the sub had rapidly surfaced. It was at that point he remembered falling head over heels for her, something he'd been fighting since meeting her on Air Force One. Even then he knew he'd never do or say anything about it with the proof coming a week later during their case at Gitmo.
"Romance between agents, Kate, it never works."
"You speaking from experience?" She replied reading what she thought was regret in his face.
He couldn't do this, it was hurting too much, all the looks, sparse touches, times spent on cases, those memories weren't enough to stop his world from falling apart around him.
Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul
Gibbs fell into a restless sleep as exhaustion washed him, his dreams ebbing and flowing like the tides. He wished his sleep were dreamless, but all he could see was her; she was haunting his sleep with what could have been if only he'd taken a chance with her, if only she hadn't been taken from him. Dreams of a house with a white picket fence, of a beautiful little brown haired brown eyed girl playing with her dog as her mother watched on. Oh how he wished he could turn back time and have one more day, one more chance.
I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say you didn't die
"Katie why, why you, why now." He broke down; heavy sobs wracked his body as he tried to wrestle his mind into understanding what had happened.
"Oh God please tell me this isn't as it seems, let me wake up from this nightmare." Gibbs was praying to a God he was no longer sure existed, for surely no fair and just God would punish him the way he had been; for this to have happened with Shannon and Kelly 19 years previously was devastating but for him to go on and loose another woman he loved, all be it from afar was totally soul destroying. It had to be unreal, just a work of bad fiction, one of Tony's movies turned bad.
"Please Kate tell me you didn't die, let it not be true, it can't be happening again." He was pleading now for something he knew could never happen, as he stood out in the raging storms, the pounding rain now mixing with his tears.
And I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side
He knew his grief would subside, knew that he would be able to think of her without heartache and tears someday but that would not happen overnight. He also knew deep down in his heart that he would not rest until her murder was avenged and he knew that avenging her would be a big step in his grieving process, his healing process. Gibbs wanted to help his grief-stricken team, he wasn't the only one to have lost her, she was Tony's sister, Abby's best friend, McGee's heroine, and Ducky's daughter, and now more then ever were they in need of a strong leader to help them through their own personal heartache. But he couldn't be strong for them yet; he was hurting too much for that. He just wanted her back, back by his side.
