Missing You

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Donald P Bellisario and Don McGill, the song belongs to Jem. I own nothing but an overactive imagination.

I wish this could be

A happy song

But my happiness disappeared

The moment you were gone

Don't think I ever believed that

This day would come

Now all I'm feeling

Is lost and numb

This wasn't supposed to happen, things weren't meant to go down that way, she wasn't meant to be in any danger it was him who had been threatened not her. She was supposed to be here laughing, joking with DiNozzo about the bullet she'd taken in the vest for him. Turning to look at her now vacant desk he saw Kate standing there, but it couldn't be her, she was down in Ducky's care now, the angry red welt in the center of her forehead gave away that what he was seeing was a part of his overactive mind.

"Why me, Gibbs?" She asked confused.

"Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you... Why did I have to take two?" He knew she wasn't really there, that this was his brain trying to deal with everything that had happened on that rooftop but that didn't seem to help.

"I - I don't know." It was the one question he couldn't answer right now, he was wrestling with images of her mad at him for her death, and she was right to be mad at him, it was his fault she was there in the first place. Now he was left numb by the whole situation, lost to it, this wasn't supposed to happen, she was meant to be here.

I'll always be thankful

For the time we had

We were blessed

I should celebrate

But I feel too sad

All the wonderful memories

Just make me fall apart

And it feels like somebody's

Stabbed me in my heart

He tried to think back to better times, to cases solved, families put to rest and questions answered, however for some reason he kept coming back to their time on the Philadelphia and more specifically the moment during the emergency blow when she had been forced up against him as the sub had rapidly surfaced. It was at that point he remembered falling head over heels for her, something he'd been fighting since meeting her on Air Force One. Even then he knew he'd never do or say anything about it with the proof coming a week later during their case at Gitmo.

"Romance between agents, Kate, it never works."

"You speaking from experience?" She replied reading what she thought was regret in his face.

He couldn't do this, it was hurting too much, all the looks, sparse touches, times spent on cases, those memories weren't enough to stop his world from falling apart around him.

Walking, holding hands

Talking, making plans

Touching my heart my soul

Gibbs fell into a restless sleep as exhaustion washed him, his dreams ebbing and flowing like the tides. He wished his sleep were dreamless, but all he could see was her; she was haunting his sleep with what could have been if only he'd taken a chance with her, if only she hadn't been taken from him. Dreams of a house with a white picket fence, of a beautiful little brown haired brown eyed girl playing with her dog as her mother watched on. Oh how he wished he could turn back time and have one more day, one more chance.

I wish this could be

A happy song

But my happiness disappeared

The moment you were gone

Tell me it's not happening

Say it's not as it seems

Tell me that I'm gonna wake up

It's just a bad dream

Please tell me that it's fiction

Tell me it's just a lie

Whatever you choose to tell me

Please say you didn't die

"Katie why, why you, why now." He broke down; heavy sobs wracked his body as he tried to wrestle his mind into understanding what had happened.

"Oh God please tell me this isn't as it seems, let me wake up from this nightmare." Gibbs was praying to a God he was no longer sure existed, for surely no fair and just God would punish him the way he had been; for this to have happened with Shannon and Kelly 19 years previously was devastating but for him to go on and loose another woman he loved, all be it from afar was totally soul destroying. It had to be unreal, just a work of bad fiction, one of Tony's movies turned bad.

"Please Kate tell me you didn't die, let it not be true, it can't be happening again." He was pleading now for something he knew could never happen, as he stood out in the raging storms, the pounding rain now mixing with his tears.

And I, yes I, miss you

And it's killing inside

Ooh well I, yes I, miss you

Want you by my side

Ooh well I, miss you

Want you by my side

Back here by my side

Here by my side

He knew his grief would subside, knew that he would be able to think of her without heartache and tears someday but that would not happen overnight. He also knew deep down in his heart that he would not rest until her murder was avenged and he knew that avenging her would be a big step in his grieving process, his healing process. Gibbs wanted to help his grief-stricken team, he wasn't the only one to have lost her, she was Tony's sister, Abby's best friend, McGee's heroine, and Ducky's daughter, and now more then ever were they in need of a strong leader to help them through their own personal heartache. But he couldn't be strong for them yet; he was hurting too much for that. He just wanted her back, back by his side.