Promises and Pain- Ch 1
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction.
A/N: Those scenes with Jack and Sharon were quite powerful. I'm always happy to hear comments of any kind. Hope you enjoy!
~~~~~PT~~~~~
It had taken them three times to get to this point, this place where they now were. It had taken anger, harsh words, whispers and caresses. It had taken tears together and separately for them to reach their final understanding of what they were. More than friends, so much more, lovers in fact, but it had taken them three times to get that settled between them. To be comfortable with their new relationship beginning and their pasts put where they belonged.
She had come home tired, exhausted really, but she was hurt and angry and sorry for what had happened the past two days or so. Jack. Jack had happened. Again. The key she should've demanded back. The lock. The damn lock she should've changed. They both had told her to do it, Andy and Rusty, separately and together, had told her to change the lock. But she thought of the inconvenience of changing it, getting new keys for everyone and she thought of Jack. He wouldn't use it since they're now divorced. He'd only use it if he was drinking and he wasn't. But, of course he was. Drinking and gambling both. Again.
She thought of Ricky teasing her about her storage code being the same as it always was. That's how he could get the Christmas Village. She thought of her lock being the same one to match the key Jack still held on his keychain. She thought of her life and how things seemed different, so very different, but how it was very much the same in so many respects. This was her home. This was her life. She didn't need to make changes. Oh but she did have to, in the end she realized that.
She felt the anger and the shame and the sorrow flow together and almost become too strong for even her to hide. She apologized again to Rusty as she grabbed the aerosol can. All she had to do was neutralize where Jack had been and he'd be gone. Though she knew better, she began spraying.
Noticing Rusty was relatively unfazed by his interactions with Jack, she sprayed one chair. Replaying Jack's latest words in her mind, the uncivil ones and the apologies, she sprayed the other. Cataloging every apology he offered her throughout their marriage, she couldn't even say their life together, she sprayed the couch. As the cloud of fumes grew, she finished cataloging and felt the tears begin. She continued spraying every part of that couch like her life and sanity depended on it. She sprayed to cleanse. She sprayed to blame the tears on the fumes. She sprayed to give herself anything to concentrate on, anything other than the pain she felt from Jack. Again.
She thought she heard someone at the door. Andy. Bad timing. She was busy. She was spraying. And trying not to cry. Because tears were power and Jack wouldn't get that from her. Not anymore. Andy. She heard Rusty say she wasn't in a good place. Say he was quoting Dr Joe. Andy. She sprayed because if she looked at him, she'd want his arms around her. She'd want what he offered and God he offered her so much. If only she was brave enough to get beyond her past. To get beyond Jack. Andy. She found new places on the couch to spray, to cleanse, to hide her tears, to not look at her friend who had told her he wanted more. Had told her he'd wait for her to work things through. Well she hadn't. Not yet. So she sprayed.
She heard him ask Rusty what was wrong with her. Why she was crying. Saw Rusty look at her for approval, which she gave him instantly. It took it off her to explain. To tell him Jack was still in her life because she didn't change the lock. That damn lock. Andy. She heard his angry responses, his apology to Rusty. It wasn't him he was angry at. It was Jack. And Sharon. All she had to do was change that damn lock. She listened and she sprayed. And she cried. And she let him hold her.
She let it all out, or so she thought. She'd find out later she hadn't. She let it all out in his arms. God he felt good. And God he felt safe. Andy. She wanted more than friends too but now wasn't the time. He was holding her, caressing her, whispering to her that she'd be okay. That he had her. She was okay. But she wasn't. Because he had mentioned the lock when she had finally stopped sniffling. He had asked her why she hadn't changed it. Why she had let Jack stay in her life. She knew he had the key. Andy. He wanted to know why she always let Jack in. Her life. Her home. Was he still in her heart? She was horrified at the thought. No, he wasn't.
"I didn't think he'd use it."
"But he did. And he will again. You know he will."
"He said he's sorry. He's going back to AA."
"Again."
She had moved back. Moved the spray can from the couch where he put it to the coffee table. She looked at him. So angry. So hurt. So confused. So more than friendly. What was that? Even her mind wasn't making sense now.
"Why didn't you change the lock?"
"Because it's my home."
"So it's none of my business. I get it, Sharon."
"No, you don't, Andy. We're divorced. He had no right come to my home."
"But he did. And he had a key."
She saw it all on his face, in his eyes. His voice was a quiet anger. But his eyes showed the hurt, the doubt he felt about them. Jack hurt her, she hurt Andy. Vicious cycle her mind told her to break.
She had been quiet too long and he was walking away. Away from her? Definitely. Away from them? She hoped not. With everything she couldn't yet explain, she hoped not.
"I don't love him, Andy. Haven't in a long time."
"They why, Sharon?" So soft, so sad.
"I'll change the lock. Immediately."
"Why?" He wasn't looking at her. She needed him to let her see his eyes.
"Because it's the right thing to do." She shuddered. "It's what I should've done when I filed. Or at least when it was finalized."
She saw him rub his face. Scrub it like he does during difficult cases. "Okay."
"Because it's not good for Rusty to come home to a drunk who should be out of our lives."
"True."
She walked over to him. Touched him softly, hesitantly. "Because it's important to you."
He finally turned and she saw his eyes once again. So sad, eyes tearing up. "Don't worry about me. I'm just a friend, remember."
That brought her tears forth once more. She wasn't sure why. Couldn't explain the ache in her heart either. Then she saw it. God were his eyes expressive. The way he looked at her said so much.
"You're not just a friend, Andy. I don't love Jack anymore. It's important to you I change the lock. I will, I'll change it."
"I'll go half."
"You will not." She was in his arms again. Completely wrapped up exactly where she wanted to be. "It's my problem. My responsibility."
"We can share."
"Not yet." She chanced looking up at him. Let him come so close to kissing her. Fighting her own desire to let it happen. Finally. But she moved away at the last second. "I'm sorry. I need to – I don't want the past and present to collide. I need it separate."
He moved away from her. Was no longer touching her. "That'll never happen."
"It will. It has to." Her voice sounded desperate. She grabbed the spray can again. "Okay, it won't. But I don't want it to be today. It's too much, Andy. I can't. I'm sorry. She was crying again. And spraying.
He went to hold her. She couldn't risk her emotions. She couldn't take chances. Not today. "I want you here, Andy, I do, but please leave." She had whispered it and he heard the pain.
"Okay, Sharon, another time then. I'll be here."
She watched him let himself out. She saw Rusty's confused face. He was there, the whole time? Jack didn't rattle him. This clearly had. She gave up spraying. Sinking down on the soaked couch, she covered her face and tried to make herself as small as she could.
Rusty spoke softly to her, nervously. He didn't know what to do for her so he held her. It had worked with Andy. He held her and called her Mom and told her it'd be okay. Told her Andy wasn't leaving for good.
And the realization hit her. She had asked him for time to figure things out. He gave it. She had accepted his embrace yet asked him to leave. He did. One day he wouldn't come back. That was her fear. Andy. She didn't want to lose him.
[TBC]
