Today was blurry. A bad day turned good day turned horrible day. Shootings. So many bullets, blood. Red. Red-ish...like her lips when it finally touched mine. So much touchings, I burned in a very good way. So unexpected. Guess I really was jealous last night. Focus! People could die tonight. I don't even know what Chloe's favorite band is. Not that I really care. It's just a need to know kinda thing. I'll ask her when she wakes up.
I paced the halls here at the hospital. I don't like the smell. Never did. Everything is pale and neutral. They should add colors. Brighten up this place. Looks so dead and gloomy. Fuck. Don't jinx it please. I take it back. But it definitely needs a splash of color. Maybe rainbows along the paneling and sidewall. I. Am. So. Gay.
Why didn't I know about this? Today is like an awakening. I can't suddenly be a lesbian? Can I? Seeing Holly last night...I knew it was jealousy, but mostly I just being judgy coz she could do so much better. So I settled for being judgy instead and pushed jealousy aside. I wasn't jealous, I told myself, as I downed my 6th drink I think. I was being a good friend, looking out for her best interest. I was thinking of girl friends to set her up with and that list came to a number zero, because no one fit. And it turns out I don't have a lot of friends. HA! But I didn't feel the actual feelings until they all came rushing in when she pulled me aside in the interrogation room. She cared for me, and that was enough to break my delusional denial that I like her. Like-like like her. And she needed to stopped talking.
Holly went to the cafeteria. Presumably to wash her hands too. I held onto them for too long. Sweat from nerves that are cause by holding Holly's hand. Sweat from nerves that my people are lying down and I can't do anything but wait. She's back with snacks. She's so sweet. She's too kind with snicker bars, granola bars, and trail mix in her hands.
"Hey"
"Hi"
"Take some. You probably haven't eaten all day. I didn't know what you'd like...the vending machine was limited with these goodies."
"No cheese doodles? Cheese crackers? Cheezits? Cheetos?"
"Tada! You are too easy." She pulled a bag of cheese doodles from her right pocket.
"Have I mentioned anything with or is cheese is awesome?"
"Actually you did. I remembered."
"Creepy...but thanks for remembering. I remember nothing."
"Liar."
I smile coz I feel light and airy when I'm around her. We sit again in the waiting room full of cops and more cops. The waiting game. I hate waiting. I only have so much patience. She passed out the other snacks to people and I saw kept the snickers bar. Noted.
I want to reach out for Holly's soft hand, but I feel so many eyes on me. Maybe I'm being paranoid. Nobody probably cares. But I kinda care, but I kinda don't. I'm a chicken. I don't reach for it. Saved by Frank. He comes over to us and said to go home. He tells everyone to go home and rest.
We walk to the parking lot Holly and I. I'm lost for words and I become awkward. She offers to take home, but I feel distant. I don't say a word and I just look at her. She nods and opens the door for me. I reluctantly get in. She gets in and she starts the car but doesn't go. I look down my hands and I tucked them in under my thighs to prevent them from doing things...like jumping out of this car.
"I"m sorry for this afternoon when I blew you off. You took me by surprise and I didn't mean to be so rude so, I'm sorry."
Inhale, exhale, inhale. I feel ridiculous. Could it be that we're alone again and I'm having these thoughts, these images of her skin against mine, it's making me into a blabbering nerd? She's contagious. I like it. I like her. I like her? I like her. What does it mean? I kissed her... earlier. I can't possibly erase that moment. That was one of the best, if not THE best kiss ever!
I look at her and she stares back, doesn't say anything. She grabs for my wrist, pulling my hand and holds it. She's warm and I'm cold. Holly intertwines them and it's amazing how it fits. Now I have about 100 butterflies in my stomach. She's driving me crazy.
"It's okay. I understand and really I shouldn't have hovered."
"Hovering is fine."
"No, it wasn't at that time. So it wasn't you, okay? I mean, I like you, if that wasn't obvious, but I'm your friend first."
I nod. I should say something, do something. Yet, I just nod. What is wrong with me? Tell her you like her too! So so so so so so so much! I keep nodding like a dumb fuck and she lets go of my hand and starts driving me home. I feel cold again. The butterflies left my stomach and I miss them. We are suddenly here so fast.
"Hey, are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I think I'll be okay...yeah." I'm still nodding. Fuck.
"Just call or text me okay? Whatever you need. You know where I live."
"Yes...I do."
I want to say something more, but I don't. Too much feelings today, tonight. So much as happened and my mind is a scramble. So I nod again, I get out of her fancy car and I go inside. No one's home. It's eerie, quiet. I go to my room and just crash on top of my bed. I look at the clock and I force sleep to happen. I will it to happen. I shut my eyes tight and I will it. Because I know if sleep doesn't happen, alcohol will. And I don't feel like going to the kitchen. It's too fucking far. C'mon sleep, let's go! I reach for my phone and I text Steve.
:: I'm in-like with Holly. Mother's gonna freak. I should be freaking out too right?
S: No need to freak out. Holly's clean. And nice. She gave me trail mix.
:: She gave me cheese doodles.
S: Already perfect for each other.
Sleep happened quickly. I feel irritated. Not in my right mind set. I cleaned up and brushed my hair and changed in to normal people clothes. I'm weary and it's only 4 in the morning. Nobody's home. I go the kitchen and it's a fucking mess. I need to get out of this place.
:: Are you up?
I texted Holly. Everyone else I know is at the hospital or at 15. I hope she's awake.
H: Yes.
:: At four in the morning?
H: I'm going in early later.
:: Oh.
:: I'm coming over then. Be there in 10.
H: K. I'll leave the door unlock.
:: Don't do that. Some creeper could come in!
H: Better hurry then.
She's too nice! I'm walking in the dark. It's fucking tragic. Chris is working at the station with Nash. Andy and Dov are probably at the hospital. I should be at the hospital. But here I am, walking and sulking at fucking 4 in the morning. I am selfish! But I'm useless when I'm there. I won't be able to do anything but fucking wait. I'll be a seat warmer...sitting from one seat to another. And some nurse would most likely to just kick me out. And I wouldn't know what do with myself. I could be working. I could. I should. But I'm off. I mean I feel off. Something is not right. Is because of what happened yesterday? Was it all the commotion with the gun man? All the shootings that happened? Was it Holly's sweet kisses and warm hand holding? Is it her lopsided, goofy smile? Holly better have breakfast! Or even better she should serve me some good alcohol! I cannot believe I just came out to Steve. Well sort of. I didn't actually say I'm gay...I texted I like Holly. Why must we label things?!
Finally. I get here. And sure enough she leaves it unlocked.
"Hey. You hungry?"
I raid her kitchen. I start to look for the most important thing.
"Nope. I only want alcohol."
"Oh, it's up there. But why don't you eat something first?"
"Yeah, okay. If it's got alcohol in it."
"You okay?"
"Yeah I"m fine. It's not like I'm the one who got shot."
"Maybe we shouldn't have left the hospital."
"Holly there are thirty other cops waiting around. There's no point me being there. No one's looking for my shoulder to cry on."
"Gail.."
Chills up my spine when she says my name, I quickly downed my breakfast.
"You know what though? We could go back as the big gay distraction. Yeah, let's give people something to talk about. I mean, now that I've come out to my brother that juicy bit of news is gonna spread like herpes. There's not going back now, girlfriend. There ain't no going back."
I make my way upstairs to the bathroom. I don't even know what I'm doing. My BFF right now is this little bourbon. I know where the bathroom is in this castle. I've invaded this room before. I look around and it's the neatest bathroom ever. She even has music here. I like her now even more. I push play, and I like what I hear. I take another swig and this is giving me the energy and boost I've been looking for all morning. I look in the mirror. I need change. Maybe I'm wrinkling out. Maybe some Botox is in order in the near future. Maybe I need a little tan. This hair isn't cutting it at all. Maybe it's my hair. Ha. I need to change my hair! What color this time around...or maybe I should just get rid of it. Yes. Where is the scissors? Found it.
