Everything was white and she realized she was dying, that it was the same as last time. That feeling of floating, of something big approaching, as steady as time. Death.
She remembered she had promised him she would come back this time.
Physically she felt nothing. But she knew it wouldn't be long now. She wanted to struggle, to fight, to scream this isn't how it's going to end. Because she didn't know if what she did mattered, if she had won, if they had won. And Commander Shepard didn't leave jobs unfinished.
And she had promised him she would come back this time.
But she couldn't move. She was trapped, she was falling.
Then the warm arms wrapped around her and a sense of intense relief flooded her. She hadn't left him. He was here. They were together.
"You did it." That confirmation was all she needed. The reapers were gone. And she realized she was done.
"Kaidan. It's over." She breathed out. "We finished." She smiled into his chest and finally, for the first time in her life, she was ready to let go of everything. Everything except for him.
It felt so right to be there with him. Wherever they were, wherever they were going.
"No."
The conviction in his voice snapped open eyes she hadn't realized were closed. She met his golden brown eyes and and felt somewhat reassured. But the sadness in them-no, the inevitability in them-left her scared. Terrified.
"Shepard, it isn't over. They need you."
No no no--"I'm just one person Kaidan. What can I do?"
He only smiled, that one he always flashed just for her, like he couldn't believe she existed, that she was the best thing in the world.
And even as she held him tighter, refusing to relax her grip around his torso, she felt him leaving.
"I need you to know...no I need you to remember, always--"
"Kaidan." She interrupted him before he could finish. She didn't want him to finish. The inevitability in his eyes flashed at her again.
"Shepard, I love you."
Until the end of time.
Pain. Red, blood, hot, burning, pain. She gasped awake. The medics bustled around her because, "Commander Shepard is awakening! Notify Admiral Hackett immediately!" Yet distantly she heard as well "We lost the other one!" and even addled with the drugs and the pain her mind began to piece together that something had happened. Something bad.
As they moved, she lay there, motionless. Afraid to open her eyes. Afraid to see the damage.
"Shepard." The voice jolted her away from her pain, filled with relief and despair. It took her a moment to place the speaker-the last time she had heard him seemed to be over a lifetime ago, a lifetime of chaos and violence. Finally, she forced herself to open her eyes and face him.
"Garrus." She croaked it out, urgently, more than a reassurance to his original greeting.
Garrus heard the question in her voice, the desperation. She saw him hesitate. Then the briefest moment, just a flicker of his eyes, but Shepard had always been good at reading people, even turians. She painfully turned her head to the object of his gaze.
He had reached out to put a hand on her, but she didn't feel it. She didn't feel the burning pain, her nerves screaming in protest to the touch, the medical equipment beeping in alarm to her agitation.
As she looked at Kaidan's body, she felt nothing. His words from her dream (vision?) still rung in her ears and she realized she was crying.
She knew that he was right, and she would lead and fight and rebuild, for those who were still left. But as she cried and hurt and lay under Garrus' touch and she realized that she felt none of it, the hollow Kaidan had left reverberated loudly within her.
She would fight, but she would not feel.
