Living the dream

by Caz

Rated K

Disclaimer is on force, so leave me be!

I watch you moving around the room and it nearly kills me when I get a glimpse of your eyes; so cold, so distant. Was it so long ago that I saw love and passion way back when I saw us and a future? Now all I see is past and pain. I feel pain when I remember your lips close to mine, whispering to me, teasing me. I loved hearing your voice and the way you called my name. The way you said you loved me. Was it that long ago? Oh, God, Abby.

I long to touch you more so now because I know I never will again. I never can. You won't let me. You don't want me to. If I touched you now you would recoil with horror. Not so long ago, I could have touched you everywhere and you would have wanted more, much more. But not any longer. Now I have to wrap my arms around myself to stop myself from reaching out to you. Just to be able to touch you, just once, just for a moment.

What I want I can't have. What I want is you, but you don't want me. Never feeling your arms around me is enough to bring me to my knees, again and again. These days it's not very often I'm off them. When I'm alone, when I think of you, it's where I inevitably end up; on my knees, crying like a baby, wanting what I need most; your arms around me. But I end up using my own, it's all I have.

I thought we had God on our side. I thought he'd given us something extra special, even more special than love. I never figured on him snatching it away from us just when we needed it most. Lord, I need it now. Only you don't. Instead God left me with something more powerful than love; a broken heart. I hope yours is broken too, Abby. I hope that your heart is hurting as much as mine. I hope so.

Seeing you everyday. Seeing your face, seeing you moving on, seeing you standing proud and tall, seeing that little tiny tremble showing me that you're hurting as much as I somehow makes me feel a little better. I tremble too. Everything trembles. I've become an embarrassment. Coherency seems to have walked out the door around the same time that you did.

I try to be brave and I try to be normal, but it's hard, it's so, damned hard. The team know you've left me and even my soul knows you've left me. The only one that doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the fact is me; Jethro Gibbs. Fool. Where did I go wrong? Why did you let me go wrong, Abby?

I once had a dream, only that dream didn't include you, not way back when. When that first dream finally came true, I lost it all to a madman. And then you came along and gave me another dream. But I forgot that you were already a part of me when I remembered my past dream. I got it all wrong and you didn't tell me until it was too late. I wanted you, and you wanted me. I still want you, but you don't want me anymore. Why not, Abby?

Too late. I realized too late that my dream had changed, along with my destiny. You were my destiny, Abby. I wanted you more than I wanted my dreams, but you forgot to remind me. You forgot to tell me to search my heart to find our dream. If I had've done, you'd still be here, in my arms. We'd still be living the dream, and we'd still be one.