I like this pairing, one of my favorite pairing. Sadly, they only have few fics out there. So, I decided to write some. Actually, I missed the pair lately and reread some of their fics and even rewatch their video again and again.
Before you read it, keep in mind that this is my first fic of Mendol, plus in english which isn't my first language nor my second. So, all the mispells and poor of vocab were my mistake. I did my best.
Lastly, I don't own the characters. Neither the songs in this fic. They belonged to their owners.
Hope you like it. (You may need tissue, just saying)
If I Could Turn Back (The Hands of Time)
I lay down on the couch, sighing. I stretched my back. Today indeed was a long day. Persona would do the first live concert two months from now. So, Shachou had we practice every day, even after our performance or appearance on talk shows. Yes, Persona had been the number one on Music 10 for three weeks now. I was happy, really happy, but these days we were running here and there with our tight schedules. Persona had beaten the best-selling Diva, Ray.
Speaking of Ray, she had been clinging into me every time we met or you could say she came to meet me. She would leave messages or called me every day. Sometimes she would ask about my schedule, my activity, or said something stupid but cute. Like 'Did you have your lunch? I wish I could feed you now *sigh*' or 'I'm bored, can I meet you now?' or 'I'm tired. But saw your pictures lit me up *smile*'. That was stupid, since I wasn't a mushy person. But I couldn't help a smile whenever I read those messages of her.
These thought reminded me that I hadn't checked my cell phone today yet. She might leave me some messages or calls. I reached my pants back pocket and pulled my phone out. I flipped it open and sighed. Oddly, there were no messages nor calls from her. It surprised me that I felt disappointed. Just a little. 'She might be busy', I thought. I decided to send a message later and rose to my feet. I went to shower. I did send her message, but the reply didn't come even when I finally closed my eyes. 'Wonder what makes her busy'
We had rehearsal today. After the rehearsal, I told Asahi and Hinata, or you might prefer them as Riku and Kuu, that I wanted to buy drink outside. They asked me to buy some for them too. After taking money from them, I rushed to a vending machine outside the room. When I was about to insert the money a pair of arms circled my shoulders from behind. I startled but then calmed when I heard giggles. 'Wait, calmed?'
"Kai. I missed you."
Came the perky voice of her. I turned around in her hug and took a step back to make place. "Hi. Why are you here?" I tried to pull back. To my surprise, she loosened her arms and pulled it back to her side.
"I heard you have practice today. So, I come to see you."
She said with big smile on her face. Why did I ask anyways. It's what she was doing since the day I scolded her. "Aren't you busy?" I turned to the machine and finally insert the money.
"Ehh…Did Kai worry about me?"
She said cheerfully; I didn't need to look at her to see the grin. "Don't be silly." I took the drinks out. I held two cans of coffee in my right and orange in my left. I turned around to face her. Her expression didn't change; big grin plastered on face. "Seriously, what are you doing here?" She seemed to be taken aback with my question, but just for a moment before her goofy smile returned. It must be my imagination.
"I told you. I want to see you. I'm sorry I didn't call you yesterday. I was busy."
She had small smile on her face. "Oh, uh, that's okay," I said. She didn't have to apologize though. "Anyway, I have to go inside. They're waiting for me."
"I need to go too. Ganbatte ne."
She still had the smile when she turned around. "Hey," I called. 'What should I say?' I didn't think before call her. It just like I was being cruel since she had come to see me. "Just…thanks…yeah, thank you for coming." I scratched the nape of my neck but winced instead as the cold can touched my skin. "I, uh…call you…later?" Why did I have to become nervous whenever she was around me.
She let out a giggle and nodded her head. She then walked toward her car. The fact that she didn't hug me or do something, since she was Ray after all, surprised me. I shrugged my shoulder slightly and went back to rehearsal room.
We finished the rehearsal around seven pm. We arrived at our apartment around eight and I dashed to shower room. After freshened up with the shower, I took my cell phone. I rolled the list until I found the number and pressed call button. It took seconds before she answered. She said that she was just left the studio. She seemed to be busy; no wonder she didn't text me yesterday. We talked for a while until I realized it was half past ten. I said good night to her before cutting the line. My lips curled up and I stared at my phone. Somehow talking with her enlightened my mood and erased the tiresome away. 'Nah, no way. My brain must be tired after the long day and calculated this feeling' I shook my head and walked to my bed.
I put my phone back in my purse and stared at the lights outside. I was riding toward my house. Yes a house, not apartment. But I was the only one resident in the house. I used to wake alone, eat my breakfast alone, head to studio and back to home, and have dinner alone. But sometimes I had dinner outside for I was too tired to prepare dinner.
I wonder what it was like to wake up in his arms in the morning, eat breakfast he made for me, cuddle on the couch and sleep in his arms at night. Just thinking about it warmed my chest. I should smile now for a thought of him made me happy, instead of smile I felt tears on my eyes. And slowly it fell down my cheeks.
"Stop that face. I want to know the schedule." I said to my manager, Sarukawa Shachou, rolling my eyes. He must eat something wrong to have that expression on his face.
He cleared his throat and gave me the schedule. I read the paper in my hands. "So my flight is nine am. Okay then," I said. I would go to Okinawa for three days at weekend and return on the next Monday. I had a tour for my latest single. I put the paper in my bag and rose to my feet. I was about to turned around when he called me.
"Ray, are you sure you want to do this?"
He said softly; seemed afraid. I couldn't blame him since I had my temper. "Of course," I said flatly and walked to the door. I heard a sigh from him but ignored it. Outside the room, I took a breath before walking down the hall. 'I need to do this'
"Oi, Kai! Shachou wants to meet us."
I turned my gaze from the phone on my hand toward Riku who was standing at the rooftop door. "I'm coming!" I shouted back, but didn't move. He then disappeared behind the door. I looked back at the screen of my cell phone. It showed me: 'I will go to Okinawa tomorrow and will be back on Monday. I'm afraid I can't send you text *sigh*. I'll miss you *love*.'
So, she would go during weekend. 'That means I'll be free from her? Yes!' I thanked God or whoever above before looking back at my phone. Should I say back? 'Nah, she will tease me' I put my phone into my jacket pocket and stood up. But after some steps, I turned my head to the wide rooftop. This place was the place where Ray had kissed me a year ago. 'A year ago, huh?' After since she had been clinging into me like we were a couple. At first I didn't response, well I had no choice or Shachou would whip me, but eventually I used to her presence. But that didn't mean I return her feeling, whatever it was. I smiled nevertheless and went inside. 'Maybe I should reply her message'
However, I ended up sleeping immediately after the bath without remembering to reply her text. You couldn't blame me since Persona had performance and live talk show today, and we had to practice too. The woman indeed was a witch. But I preferred doing whatever she wanted to receiving the whip on my butts. It hurt more than it looked, seriously.
The next day we had sign meeting until noon and photo section for our CD cover. It was evening when I remembered her text. I took my cell phone out my jeans pocket and texted her. 'Hey, what are you doing? I'm sorry I didn't reply your message yesterday.' I was about to press send button but remembered what she had told me, that she probably couldn't text me. Deciding that she must be busy, I pressed cancel button instead. I put it back to my pocket amd appraoched Riku and Kuu.
"Miss your girlfriend huh?" Kuu teased. Riku joined him, wiggling his brows.
"What? No. I just checked email…you know," I said and looked aside, embarrassed.
"C'mon we had seen you checking your phone for how's it…" Kuu said and turned to Riku. Riku raised his hands with nine fingers up. "..nine, yeah nine times."
"I didn't do that much. Remember I practice with you guys?" I said back. My cheeks still flushed. 'Whatever wrong with my blushing whenever someone says about Ray is my girlfriend'
"Yeah, yeah, like we believe you," Kuu replied and took two cupcakes from table.
"Whatever," I said and rolled my eyes. I turned my gaze to the plate on the table. "Wait, where's mine? You eat my cakes!" I pointed my fingers at Kuu who was trying to push the cakes inside his mouth.
"Yaffhhh…fffffhhhh…" Kuu tried to speak with his full mouth.
"What?" I frowned.
"He said your fault," Riku said.
I raised my brow and clenched my fist. "You're so dead."
Riku shrugged his shoulders. "Children nowadays," he offered to the security man who was standing beside entrance door.
Tired. I was tired. I had meeting right after I arrived at hotel. After that we checked the stage and preparation. It was nine at night when I finally arrived at hotel. I threw my bag somewhere on floor and fell onto bed. I reached my phone. I was disappointed when found no message or call from him. I sighed and put the phone on nightstand. I decided to take bath but suddenly felt dizzy. 'Too much work' I lay down back on bed, waiting for the dizziness to go away. I couldn't help but wondering why he didn't reply my message. I must be lost in my thought that I fell asleep.
The tour went fine. I was glad I agreed the tour since I met a lot of fans. Looking at their enthusiasm reminded me of my performance after my single became the number one of Music 10. It felt good. Their smile reminded me that I was still the Diva. Even though Persona had replaced my place but for them I was still the number one Diva. It made me happy that I had chosen this path.
Today I would fly back to Tokyo. I missed him. To think that I would meet him soon erased the exhaustion and cheered me up. Perhaps I should text him so I can meet him today. But I didn't have excuse. 'Like you care' My inner thought replied. Yeah I never care what I write before, so why now. I took my cell phone and write a message. I pushed send button, waiting for the reply. Unfortunately, there was a call to passengers destination Tokyo. I put the cell phone back in my pocket and took my luggage with me.
I fell asleep during flight. It feel like my whole body ached, less of energy. The flight attendant woke me up hours later. Still sleepy, I took my bag and got off the plane. My driver had been waiting for me outside. He took the luggage and put it in the trunk before opening the door for me. Inside the car, I fell asleep again. He woke me when we had arrived home but I couldn't open my eyes. The dizziness had come back and my bones hurt. He shook my shoulder and shouted something but I couldn't understand it as blackness enveloped me.
"Still miss her?"
Asahi approached me. She put a cup of coffee on the table in front of me. I was sitting in dining room checking my cell phone. I closed my cell phone quickly and looked up at her like children being caught doing something wrong. "I…No, I just checked our schedule." 'Good back up Nami'
"I thought you don't like to put the schedule on your cell phone."
'Or not' After sighing, I took the cup and sipped the warmth liquid.
"It's okay you now," Asahi said.
"What?" I asked. I didn't hear her since I was lost in the black liquid in front of me.
"I said it's okay to check on her. Ray I meant."
She took a sip from her coffee and looked back at me.
"Got something from her?"
"Uh? Oh, no. I meant she didn't text me today," I said and sighed at the fact that I didn't hear from her for five days. She said would be back on Monday but now was Wednesday already. She didn't text or call me. As much as I hated being soft but I couldn't help worrying about her.
"Call her then." Asahi nudged my arm with her elbow. "Perhaps you should look at the studio or maybe her house."
'Oh no. The hell I will go to her house' The last time I went there, by Shachou's persistence, I ended up being trapped inside her house with her clinging to me whenever I moved. 'No way I will do the latter'
"I will just call her. Thanks for the coffee," I said. I took my cell and cup, heading living room. I thought to call her from living room for preventing my roommates' eavesdrop. I put the cup down on table, sitting down on couch. I dialed her number, waiting. She didn't answer. It was odd since she would immediately answer my call. I dialed again but got no answer. I tried for the third time but still no answer. 'Was she busy?' I glanced at the clock on the wall behind me. It was ten o'clock. She should be at home now. 'Maybe she's in bath' I decided to send her message instead.
The next morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was checking my cell. I was disappointed when there were no messages neither calls from her. I felt my worry increased. It was unusual of her. 'Maybe I should check the studio. Or worst her house' I took my towel, heading to bathroom. After dressing up, I left note for the two who were still sleeping, today we have no schedule, and left the apartment. I took taxi and headed to Monky Pro.
I waited as the elevator took me to the 5th floor where Ray's dressing room was. Moment later the door opened and I walked out the elevator. Her dressing room door was close. 'If she teases me for coming to check on her I will leave' After a breath, I knocked the door.
No answer. I knitted my brows, knocking again. Still no answer. 'Was she not here? Maybe I can ask Sarukawa Shachou' His office room was on the same floor. He was inside the office. I knocked the door. Even though it was open, but Shachou would scold me if she knows. Sarukawa shachou looked up from whatever paper he was holding and smiled once he recognized me.
"Kai, come on in."
He put the paper on his desk and approached me. I entered the room nervously. 'What should I say?'
"What brings you here?"
"I, uh…I just want to ask," I stammered. 'Come on Nami, you just need to ask about Ray's being not like you ask for his permission to take her on date or something' my inner thought told me. 'Wait, what?' Sarukawa shachou frowned, waiting for me.
"What is it you want to ask?"
"Oh, yeah, I wanted to ask about Ray. Was she back here now? Because I tried to call her but she didn't pick my call," I said in one breath.
"Oh, Ray," he said. His expression changed immediately. "She's…"
Before he could say something I felt hands on my arm.
"Kai! What are you doing here? Hmm, looking for me?"
Still on my surprised state I looked at her. She looked surprised too, but happy nevertheless. It was Sarukawa shachou who answered the question.
"He's looking for you. I was about to tell…" he trailed off.
I turned to him who now sighed and looked away from us. No doubt Ray must gave a death glare now. The thought person brought my attention back to her.
"How about we have breakfast? Did you have your breakfast?" she asked hopefully.
Now I remembered that I hadn't had yet. All I thought was her. I shook my head and saw her smile growing bigger. Without looking at her manager, she grabbed my hand and dragged me with her. As I looked at her usual attitude, I felt relieved.
"Thank you for worrying about mes" she said softly as we waited for the elevator.
I blushed slightly and looked at her. She was blushing too. But something caught me. There was sadness in her eyes. Although she didn't look at me but I could see it. But it disappeared as she smiled and turned to me.
The sound of the elevator got our attention. She then pulled me inside the elevator. We ate breakfast at the restaurant next to lobby. She told me about the tour, her performance, fans and the beautiful beach.
"The beach was beautiful. I wish," she said, looking down at her plate. "…someday…we can go together."
It was when I saw the glint I had seen earlier. But it vanished second later. "What? Oh, yeah," I mumbled while eating the pancake.
"Really?"
She smiled her goofy smile at me. I wanted to regret that I said it without thinking, but looked at her happy grin I smiled at her. Nothing harm with it right? It was just a beach. Beach with sunlight and fresh air. With people wearing bikini. Bikini…'Wait, bikini?' My eyes went wider as the realization hit me.
"What's wrong?" she asked, worried.
"Uh, nothing. Just…the pancake was good…Yeah it's good. Wanna try?" I took some with my fork and gave it to her. I wondered as she blushed slightly. What's wrong with I feeding her?
Eventually she leaned and took the pancake. Now everyone would think that we were couple. Good try Nami, Kai now. I slapped my head mentally. However, as I looked at her chewing the pancake shyly, I couldn't help a smile. She looked cute.
After the breakfast, Ray insisted to send me back with her car. Since I couldn't reject, I followed her inside the car reluctantly. I found it odd though, that she didn't offer herself to enter my apartment. She usually invited herself. Especially like today when I was free. Instead, she just said goodbye and closed the window. She didn't even hug or kiss my cheek like she always did. 'She's Ray after all' I shrugged my shoulders and went inside.
Two months later
Our live concert would be held next week. We were practicing and practicing every day. The makeup artist had showed us our outfit for the concert. The outfit was magnificent. Everything was perfect, and it seemed Shachou was pleased.
I took drink and felt the cold water passing through my throat. I was thirsty. We were sitting inside our dressing room, taking lunch. Today was curry. I loved curry. Wasting no time, I dig my curry. "Hmm…this tastes delicious."
"That's because you're hungry," Hinata pointed out.
"Whatever," I ignored her, eating my curry.
"Nami look,"
Asahi called my name. We would call each other real names when we were alone.
"That's Ray." She pointed at the television in front of us.
I looked up at the television and saw Ray. She was attending a talk show. She wore her white dress combined with white boots. She was laughing as the host made some jokes.
"Did she…lose some weight?" Asahi asked.
Now she mentioned it, I realized that Ray looked thinner than before. She had slender body but now she looked thin. "You're right. But I didn't realize it though." She didn't contact me lately. No morning message neither night call. I was so busy with our practice that I had no time to text or call her. Suddenly I felt a pang of guilty.
"It may because her tight schedule. I heard she had a lot of performances this month," Hinata said without turning her gaze from her curry.
"Yeah, maybe," I said softly and made a mental note to call Ray later.
I walked down the hall. We had finished our practice thirty minutes ago. I told them that I would meet Ray and catch up later. I was glad that Asahi dragged Hinata outside before she could tease me. I had called Ray. She was free in evening so I decided to visit her after practice.
I knocked the door and heard her voice. I opened the door and saw her. She was sitting on couch. I closed the door behind and walked toward her. My heart beat fast as soon as my eyes met her. She beckoned me to sit on the couch beside her. I put my bag on table and sat down beside her.
"How's your practice?"
She was smiling at me, but I noticed that she was tired. I remembered what Asahi had said. Indeed she was thinner now. I didn't know why but suddenly I worried about her.
"You're staring," she said and giggled.
"Oh, sorry." I blushed slightly and looked down. There was place between us. She was sitting at the end of the couch while I was on the opposite. It was unusual of her. She didn't even try to reach my arm like she would always do. Something was wrong. Suddenly I felt fear. 'What for? Why did I feel fear?'
"Kai,"
Her voice brought me back from my thought.
"You're quiet. What's wrong? You said you want to meet me. I am sorry I didn't contact you lately."
I didn't know why but something rose inside me. "Can you stop apologizing because you can't send me message or call me?" I growled suddenly, out of blue. 'What was that? Where was it coming from?' "I'm sorry, I…I didn't mean to get angry." I looked at her and then down at my hands. "I'm sorry," I said. She moved closer to me. From the corner of my eye I saw her hand trying to reach mine but then stopped suddenly. She put it back on her lap.
"What's wrong Kai? Seemed something was bothering you."
'It's you not me. Why were you avoiding me?' I wanted to say that but held it. "I'm sorry maybe just tired. You know my first concert and all," I said and smiled trying to melt the air.
"You will do okay. Just believe yourself," Ray said.
She finally reached my hand and squeezed it.
"You should go home and rest instead of coming to see me here."
As I felt her soft and warm hands, I realized that I had missed these hands. I had missed her. I felt my heart warmed. "I'm fine. I…wanted to see you," I said the latter with small voice. Who was this lame Nami? What happened with tough Nami anyway?
"Thank you. But you need to rest."
She caressed my hand with her thumb. This small gesture caught me. Now thinking about it, never someone caressed me like she did. 'God, where this thought come from?' "So, how about you?" I asked, still holding her hands. "You're thinner now. Did you eat properly?" For a moment I thought I had caught her off guard, but she smiled her goofy smile and teased me.
"Did Kai worry about me now?"
I looked straight at her eyes. "Of course I do," I said softly. This time she didn't hide it. She, however, pulled back her hands.
"Thank you but I'm fine. You need to go home."
I missed her warm hands immediately. This time I didn't bother to consider my feelings. "Are you hiding something from me?" She didn't answer immediately.
"No," seconds later she said softly.
"Ray…"
"I said no!"
She then rose to her feet, or she tried because suddenly she lost balance. I reached her and took her down to couch with me. "Ray, are you okay?" She didn't answer though, her eyes were closed. I felt panic rising inside me. "Ray. Ray wake up, please. Ray!"
I tried to reach my cell in my pants back pocket while holding her with my right arm. It was difficult since I had it in right pocket. 'Damn it!' Finally I could pull it out. I dialed the first person that came to my mind. On the second ring she answered.
"Hello."
"Shachou! Please help!"
"Kai? What's wrong?"
She sounded alarmed. Hearing the voice I burst into tears. "Ray…please, help her…"
"Ray? Where are you? I'm coming."
I heard some noises of drawer being pulled and pushed. "Her…her…dressing room," I said between my cry.
"Okay wait for me. I will call Sarukawa. Wait for me okay."
With that she cut the line. I didn't bother to put my cell back into pocket. I turned my gaze to Ray who leaned on me. Slowly I laid her body down on the couch and kneeled before it. Her face was white pale. 'Thank God she's breathing'
"Ray…" I took her hand and held it. "Please wake up."
Her lips were slightly purple, like blood drained from her face. "Don't worry…They will come soon."
Minutes later the door burst open and Shachou followed by Sarukawa shachou walked in.
"What happened?" Shachou asked. They both looked worried.
"Ray…she…collapsed…please, help her," I was trembling.
"We have to bring her to hospital," Sarukawa shachoud said. He took Ray in his arms, heading door. "You drive," he shouted over his shoulder.
"Let's go Kai," Shachou said, following Sarukawa shachou but then stopped when she noticed I didn't move. "Kai."
I didn't move. I couldn't. I felt Shachou's hand on my chin. She lift it up. I stared at her black eyes.
"She needs you Nami."
After hearing that, I could finally move my trembling body. Shachou helped me to my feet. I sat on the back seat with Ray leaning against me. Sarukawa shachou was sitting on the other side. Shachou was driving the car. Too fast that police would chase us. But for now I didn't care if the police chased us, all I could care was Ray. I never let her hand go.
At hospital, Sarukawa shachou carried Ray out the car as Shachou went inside to call nurse. Moments later Shachou returned with some nurses. They helped Sarukawa shachou to put Ray on the bed and rushed inside the hospital.
Shachou took my arm and leaded me inside. We walked past rooms and corridors. But I paid no attention. My eyes glued to the nurses' back as they took Ray and disappeared behind doors. I followed as Shachou took me to a chair in front of the room. I just nodded my head as she told me to wait there since she and Sarukawa shachou had to do something. I didn't hear properly.
All I thought was Ray. Ray collapsed. Ray's pale face. Ray's purple lips. Ray's cold hand. Her hand, it wasn't warm as usually it was. Then I burst into tears. I didn't care if people stared at me. I let tears flow down over my cheeks.
'What had happened to her? Is she sick? Why didn't she tell me?'
Why I didn't notice it. I never notice it. It was when Asahi told me that I realized it. 'Stupid!'
I felt hand on my shoulder but I didn't look up.
"Nami,"
It was Asahi's voice. Soon Hinata's voice followed.
"Nami."
Someone sat beside me and pulled me. I burst into tears as Asahi hugged me.
"She will be fine."
'Will she?'
When my sobs died eventually I leaned off. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. How's she?"
"I don't know. They just…" I said and fought back tears. "…they took her inside…and since…" I shook my head. Hinata squeezed my arm. I smiled gratefully at her. "Thanks." She smiled back at me. That was when Shachou approached us.
"Is she out?"
I shook my head weakly. I gathered my courage and asked. "What happened to her?" Shachou's expression was unreadable, but she was calm.
"We need to wait for the doctor."
"I'm sorry. I had to make call. Is she out?" Sarukawa shachou approached us, slightly panting.
"No," Shachou replied.
"Let's wait." He was about to sit as he noticed two strangers. "Who are you?"
He looked at Asahi and then Hinata. It was then I realized they didn't dress as Riku and Kuu.
"Nami's friends," Shachou backed up.
"Oh."
He gave skeptical look but then decided to let it go. Moments later the doors were pulled open. Ray was lying with IV on her wrist and oxygen mask covered her nose and mouth. The sight clenched my heart. If it wasn't for Hinata I would have fallen down to my chair. I watched as nurses took Ray away. Shachou beckoned us to go. I followed behind with Hinata holding my arm.
I watched as they took Ray into an elevator. Hinata pulled me to enter the other elevator. I was staring at elevator door. No one talked, just the sound of elevator moving up. The elevator stopped at 6th floor. Ray's had arrived too. I watched as they took her to a room at the end of corridor. I wanted to enter the room but one of the nurses stopped us. We couldn't enter at once. So they told Sarukawa shachou enter first and left us behind. He turned to Shachou and gave her sign to follow inside. Shachou looked at me as if wondering to give the offer. But then Shachou turned around and followed him inside. Asahi took my arm.
Later two men with white robe, doctors, walked toward us and entered the room. It felt like years until the doctors came out and two shachous followed behind. Sarukawa shachou followed the doctors while Shachou approached us. She just looked at my eyes and nodded her head. Asahi pushed me forward. They decided to let me enter alone.
My feet were heavy with each steps. I opened the door and glanced at the lying unconscious Ray. I closed the door and walked toward her. My knee went weak that I almost fell down. Finally I stood beside her and looked at her. Her face was better than before but still paler than normal people. She was breathing slowly. I felt tears again. I took her hand, the one without IV, and held it. It was warmer but not her usual warm.
"I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry." I let the tears out when she didn't open her eyes.
I couldn't sleep or eat. Three days had passed since Ray laid in hospital. I visited her whenever I had time between my tight schedules. I wanted to skip the practice but knew that Shachou won't like it. Besides, she had let me visit Ray after the practice or during break.
Today I planned to visit her. But I had to go by myself because Asahi and Hinata had to do preparing, since our concert was six days later. Holding the bouquet of flowers with me, I walked toward her room. I wondered if she was up since every time I visited her she was asleep. I wasn't complaining. Just seeing her was enough for me.
I had asked Shachou about her illness but she told me not to worry. I knew she wanted me to focus on our concert. But could I? No, I couldn't. I couldn't put her aside. I let out a small laugh at the thought that she was my top priority now. It was funny but somehow it felt right.
I took a deep breath before knocking the door. There was answer. Her voice. My throat got tightened and tear came to my eyes. I had missed the voice. But I fought back the sadness. It wasn't the time to cry. I opened the door. She was sitting on the bed. Her eyes widened as she saw me and smiled warmly. I had missed that smile too.
"Kai,"
I walked toward her, smile on face. "Hi. How are you?"
"I'm fine."
Her goofy smile still plastered her face.
"Why are you here?"
"What do you think? Here I bought some flowers," I said and got embarrassed at sudden. "I…I don't know…your favorite…so…I bought some,"
"Thank you."
She looked at me with warm gaze and took the flower.
"I like it."
"Great." I scratched my neck nervous. "So, how are you doing? Feel better?"
She patted the mattress. I sat before her.
"I feel better now."
We sat in silence for a moment.
"Thank you for coming Kai."
I looked up at her and saw the warm gaze again. Those eyes I never noticed before. 'Or maybe tried to ignore it' "Why, I'm your boyfriend after all." I smiled as she chuckled.
"Thank you darling," she said smiling.
I knew she was joking but the words brought strange feeling into me. Not entirely strange if I tried to be honest to myself. For moments I couldn't make any word, and just stared at her. She then dropped gaze down.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"No. It's okay. Really," I cut her. "It just…no one ever called me that before." I looked down, embarrassed. I looked up when her hand covered mine.
He was blushing and that made me smile. "So, how's your practice? You must be tired, aren't you?" He turned his palm and held my hand.
"Good. A little, but I'm okay."
He caressed my hand with his thumb. For moments we just sat without saying any word. There were many things I wanted to tell him. But I was afraid that I couldn't say it. It was alright. Just sitting near him was enough. He was holding my hand. Just like this was enough for me. I couldn't want more or I would break his heart. So did mine.
"Hey, you will say something or we just sit like this until the visit time over. Not that I'm complaining," I said and smiled as he chuckled. He let out a sigh before replying. His gaze was still on our hands.
"You made me worry."
'What do I say to that?' Hearing his sad voice broke my heart. I never wanted to break his heart, make him suffer. All I wanted was he to be happy.
"I was scared seeing you laid unconscious. I thought…"
He trailed off but somehow I know what he was about to say. Sadly, I couldn't answer it neither assure him that everything would be alright. My throat tightened. "Look at me. Please."
He slowly turned his gaze to me. I stared at his teary eyes. But there was warmth in there. "I'm here. You're holding my hand, see?" I raised our joined hands. "I'll always here beside you." 'Don't cry now, don't let him see you cry' I told myself.
To my surprise, he released my hand and leaned forward. I stiffened for seconds as he hug me gently. I slowly put my hands on his back. Feeling his body and breathing in his scent I couldn't help but tightened my hug. I had missed this so much. I had stopped clinging into him now. Not that I didn't like to. Quite opposite, I wanted it badly. But it wouldn't be fair for him. So I decided to put some distance. As much as it hurt but I had no other choice. The more I held into him the more it hurt to leave him.
But just for today I would let him hold me. Just for today I would let my body be held by him, feeling his warmth body, breathing in his cologne. Just for today.
(12:33) R : 'Did you have your lunch?'
(12:35) K : 'Just finished it. You?'
(12:39) R : 'Me too. You have practice today?'
(12:40) K : 'Yeah, this woman is killing me. My back hurts *cry*'
(12:41) R : 'Do you want me to scold her for torturing my Kai?'
(12:43) K : 'Nah, she will whip me again *cry*'
(12:43) R : 'Whip? Again? Had she ever whip you?! She's so DEAD!'
(12:45) K : 'Hey calm down tiger. I was kidding *laugh*'
(12:47) R : 'If she ever touches you, I mean not that kind of touch you know…'
(12:48) R : 'Ray! *blush*'
(12:48) K : 'Aw, Kai's cute *love*. Anyway, I meant if she ever touches/whipes you she will be sorry
for that. And I'm serious.'
(12:50) K : 'Easy there, she won't do that. You're scary you know *laugh*'
(12:50) K : 'Anyways, I'm sorry can't see you today *sigh*'
(12:51) R : 'I'll be okay. Just do your best, don't you? *smile*'
(12:58) K : 'I miss you…'
(12:59) R : 'I missed you too *love*'
(13:01) K : 'I'll see you tomorrow *love*'
(13:05) R : 'See you tomorrow *hug*'
(13:06) R : 'Kai, ganbatte ne…'
I really missed her. But, unfortunately, I had no choice since tomorrow was the big day for Persona. But I wanted to visit her. I chuckled at the thought. Months ago if someone told me that I wanted to meet Ray badly I would laugh at their faces. But now I had changed. I realized that. I hoped for better. Recent days with Ray's illness I realized how much I care for her. Maybe I did since the first time I met her. That was why I scolded her, now think about it. I cared for her. If you asked if it was love, then my answer was I don't know. Yet. I just knew that seeing her cry broke my heart, as lame as it was. Seeing her weakness made me want to protect her. Hinata and Asahi would tease me for this.
Seeing her lying in hospital I thought I would lose her. 'What would I do if she's not around me anymore? Can I live my normal life as before I met her? Can I live my days without seeing her smile, her warmth gaze, hearing her giggles? Can I?'
My chest tightened. My heart ached at the thought. 'No, I can't. I would never be able. What does that mean then?'
'You love her'
Oddly, I didn't freak out at the realization. I didn't scream either. I let out a chuckle and then laughed. I laughed loudly that my laughter echoed. If someone saw me they would think I was crazy. I laughed till I felt tears in my eyes.
"I love her huh?" I said as if asking someone around me. "I love Ray."
It sounded good as it felt. It warmed my heart that I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
'But you're a girl'
Suddenly the realization hit me hard. 'She didn't know that I'm a girl' Suddenly the warm feeling was replaced by fear. 'What will she do if she knows my truth? Can she still loves me if she knew that I'm a girl? What if she won't forgive me for lying?'
As those thoughts kept replaying in my mind, I felt coldness.
I couldn't wipe the smile on my face. I kept rereading his message. My heart fluttered inside and I felt those butterflies in my stomach. He missed me. Kai missed me! I wanted to scream out loud to tell everyone that Kai was mine. He was mine. Unfortunately, I couldn't scream out the window.
I put my phone beside pillow and forced body up. I wanted to use restroom. And I needed to brush my hair. I didn't brush my hair for three days. Kai wouldn't come to see me again if I didn't look beautiful. Exaggerate, I know. Successfully put slipper on, I was about to reach my IV when I suddenlly felt dizzy. Everything was a blur. I leaned back to my bed, palming my head. Something was coloring my robe. I couldn't see it clearly. Something dropped down to my robe. That was then I noticed something in my nose. I brought my trembled hand to my nose and touched liquid. Blood. I was bleeding. I got panicked and then everything went black.
I slowly opened my eyes. It still felt heavy. Everything went clear eventually. I noticed that I was still in my room but I was lying on bed now. My head was heavy. I caught a movement on my left. I turned my heavy head and saw a nurse. She was injecting something into my IV. She pulled the needle out and turned to me. She noticed that I was awake. She then smiled. But I was embraced by darkness again as I fell asleep.
"You sure you don't want us to come with you?"
Riku asked as we walked down the hall. We had our last rehearsal and I decided to go to Monky Pro. I couldn't visit Ray today but I wanted to give her flower. I brought flower every time I visited her. Now that I know her favorite I brought different color every day. She liked Lilies. Ray, the charismatic Diva, the Japan best-selling Diva liked Lilies. I found the flower was beautiful too. I didn't really care about flowers actually, but I like this one. I was still wondering though, why Hinata laughed and said 'I knew it!' when I told her this. Well, she was Hinata after all; you wouldn't know what it is in her head.
"I can go by myself. I just want to…give flower," I said the last part in low tone, embarrassed.
"Okay then. See you later," Riku said dragged Kuu with him.
"Don't be late or I'll eat your dinner!" Kuu shouted while trying to get off.
Hinata would be sorry if I couldn't find my dinner. I watched as the two disappeared and then walked toward lobby. I needed to buy the flower first and go to Monky Pro. I arrived at the flower shop twenty minutes later and had bought pink and yellow Lilies. Ten minutes later I arrived at the building.
I hoped Sarukawa shachou was in his office. It was half past five in evening. If he wasn't there perhaps I should go back to the flower shop and ask for delivering. As I came near his office I saw the door was open. 'Thank god he's in his office' I could hear his voice from the office. 'He has guest?'
I reached the door and looked inside. Sarukawa shachou was talking in the phone. He was standing in front of his work table. His back was facing me so he didn't notice my presence. His tone rose as if he wa angry. I was about to knock the door but stopped as I heard Ray's name.
"I don't care!" he shouted. "You heard that?! I don't care if Ray has acute cancer or she only has days left. You will do anything to save her. I will pay whatever cost you need. Do you understand me?!"
I froze, doubting my ear.
'Cancer?'
Days?'
Ray…? Ray has…cancer?'
Did he just say…acute cancer?'
'Did he just say she only has…days left?'
'Ray…has cancer…and only has…days left…'
'Days…'
He was kidding right? This was just a dream. Yeah, just a dream. And he was kidding in my dream. Ray was fine. Right?
Right?'
'Someone tell me it just a dream. Please!
My chest clenched. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to think. What to say. It felt like something had absorbed all my energy that I couldn't move. My gaze blurred with tears. It was running down without my permission. 'Why I'm crying. No, Nami you don't cry. Don't cry, damn it!
I loosened my grip. And as if in slow motion the flowers fell off my grip onto the floor beside my shoe, Sarukawa shachou turned his head and as soon he saw me his eyes went wide. He turned around, raising both of his hands. His mouth was moving, saying something. But I couldn't hear his voice. I didn't hear anything. Even my thumping heart.
I forced my limp legs and ran down the hall. I didn't stop when he called me. I just ran. I burst the door in front of me and ran down the stairs. I didn't know I have this power to run from 5th floor. I kept running until I was outside the building. I didn't stop though, I kept running. My lungs burnt inside. It hurt to breathe. But I had no mind. I kept running wherever my feet took me to. The tears kept flowing down my cheeks. I hated it when I was crying.
I fell down as my feet couldn't move anymore. I couldn't breathe. My lung ached. My heart ached. And suddenly I burst into cry, crying out loud. I didn't care people staring at me. My heart hurt. It hurt so much.
I didn't know for how long I had cried there, wherever I was now. I couldn't care anymore. I felt someone grabbing my shoulder. The person shook my shoulder and called my name. My real name.
"Nami!"
Finally I looked up and found Shachou. She was staring at me.
"She's…she's…she's…" I couldn't make sentence as I sobbed. Shachou pulled me and hugged me. She then pulled me up with her and leaded me. I remembered this scene. Shachou had leaded me two weeks ago.
Shachou helped me to her car and drove me home. She didn't say any word during the riding. I just leaned my head on the window. I felt Shachou's gaze on me but she didn't say any word. Once we arrived she helped me out the car and took me to my room. I heard Asahi and Hinata calling my name but I didn't reply back. I knew they must be worried. But I couldn't talk to anyone now.
I entered the bedroom and walked toward my bed like a robot. My gaze was empty. But tears still flowed down my cheeks. I fell onto my bed and crouched. I let out sobs until I was asleep.
The room was dark. I looked up at the clock, it showed 23:48. I had fallen asleep with my boy dress. My eyes were heavy for I had cried for like hours.
'Ray'
I had cried for Ray. The thought about her made my eyes watered. I just let out a sigh. A sound got my attention though. 'It's…music?'
I turned around toward where the music came. It was from Hinata's radio. No wonder she always grumbled its battery died fast. I smiled slightly for the first time since my broke. Yeah I broke. Why did I break? Why the thought of Ray fell sick, and not any other illness but cancer, broke me?
That's because I love her. Yeah, I forgot that. But there was something else. Something I couldn't describe it. 'What is it?'
However, a name from Hinata's radio disturbed my thought.
R. Kelly.
I never told anyone that his song 'I Believe I Can Fly' was my favorite song. I might not be good at math or science but I like languages. I love music so I wanted to hear music from another language. That was why I could understand English even though I couldn't speak fluently. I wondered about this song, since I only knew 'I Believe I Can Fly'.
Its melody was soft.
How did I ever let you slip away
Never knowing I'd be singing this song some day
And now I'm sinking, sinking to rise no more
Ever since you closed the door
If I could turn, turn back the hands of time
Then my darlin' you'd still be mine
If I could turn, turn back the hands of time
Then darlin' you'd still be mine
I felt tears flowing down. Why did the lyrics bring tears into my eyes? My heart ached as I heard the song. Why?
And you had enough love for the both of us
But I, I, I did wrong, I admit I did
But now I'm facing the rest of my life alone
I'd never hurt you
Never do you wrong
And never leave your side
If I could turn back the hands
There'd be nothing I wouldn't do for you
Forever honest and true to you
If you accept me back in your heart, I love you
The lyric somewhat felt familiar to me. Why couldn't I stop the tears? What was it about this song?
If I could turn back that little clock on the wall
Then I'd come to realize how much I love you
Love you…love you…love you
I burst into tears as I saw all clearly. The lyric reflected what I had deep down in my mind. The lyric made me saw that 'something else' that had broken me.
Regret.
I feel it now.
I regret that I never come to her performance…
I regret that I didn't bring her flower on her birthday…
I regret that I didn't give her chocolate on White day…
I regret that I didn't hug her back when she hugged me…
I regret that I didn't squeeze her hand back when she squeezed mine…
I regret that I didn't kiss her cheek when she kissed mine…
I regret that I didn't reply her messages or calls…
I regret that I had pushed her away…
And I regret that I had finally realized my feeling when there was little time left.
The fact that there was only little time left hit me hard. Why didn't I realize it early? If I did, I could make her happy. If I did, we would pass the days together, happily.
But I didn't.
'But you still have times'
That was true. I had missed almost 500 days but I still had little time. Even it was only a day that was enough. At least she knew my feeling.
Wiping the tears off, I got up and took my bag where my wallet was in. I ran toward door. I didn't bother to close the door. I know it was late but I had to see her. I had to tell her my feeling. I couldn't wait.
I was about to walk cross living room when a voice stopped me.
"Where do you think you're going in this late hour?"
Shachou. She walked toward me and stood beside me.
"Nami?"
"I…" My voice cracked. "I have to go."
"Where?"
"Her," I said but didn't look at her. "I want to see her." I walked toward door but Shachou caught my arm, pulling me back.
"In this hour? No, you aren't going anywhere. It's late. Besides, you have live concert tomorrow…" She seemed to regret saying the last part.
I want to yell at her, telling her that I don't care but I didn't enough energy. So, I just turned my eyes at her and pleaded. "I need to see her. Please."
Shachou looked taken aback at my words. It seemed she was expecting me to yell or shout at her. She looked at my eyes, searching for something I have no idea what it was. She then released her grip.
"I'll drive you."
Saeko's POV
I took a glance at my star beside me. She was leaning head on window. To tell the truth, I never thought that she would fall for Ray. Ray might, undoubtedly, but she…no.
But looking at her depression state now I could see it. She was definitely fallen in love with Ray. I had seen that in her eyes earlier. I also saw another feeling. Feeling which was I was familiar with. Regret.
I could tell what she was regretting about without she saying it out loud. For a year she had tried to push Ray away. You couldn't blame her for that, since it was my order. But somehow she started to have feeling for Ray.
No doubt she would try to throw the feeling away knowing that among three members of Persona she was the one who hated the L thing the most. I was aware of that.
To knowing that she cared for Ray, it seemed she slowly accepted Ray's presence. She had changed. Not her mind, I doubted it, but her heart. Her heart had changed. Thanks to Ray's persistence. Or I should say, love.
I was aware of Ray's feeling toward Kai. Behind those stalking and clinging actions there was love. I was sure Ray had no intention to control or dominate Kai's life. Or mark Kai as her. Although she had said it out loud.
But I knew Ray. She was much like me. We got whatever we wanted with whatever ways we could under our wing. Not to control them. But to make sure that we weren't alone. To make sure that they were safe. We would do whatever we could to protect them. Even if we had to throw everything we have.
That was why, I thought, Ray tried to put some distance between them lately. She knew that the blonde idol would break, would be sad.
Sarukawa had told me about Ray. Even though our relation wasn't really good, but I felt sorry for her. She was indeed Japan's number one Diva. She reached that place with efforts. I was impressed by her, of course except her bitchy attitude.
But again, she was just alone back there.
But I wonder if Ray knew about Kai's true identity. Would she accept Nami? Would she love Nami like she loves Kai?
This was the time when I think life was cruel. But they would find a way. Yeah, they said true love would always find a way.
It must because of the girl dressed as boy beside me that made me thought this lame thing.
I walked in the dark corridor. It was quiet. Only sound of Shachou's heels that could be heard. We passed lobby and headed elevator without meeting anyone. However, at 6th floor there was nurse station that I would have to pass.
It seemed there were two nurses there. I heard they called me when I passed the station but I didn't stop. I heard their footsteps but I paid no attention. My eyes glued to the door at the end of corridor.
I heard Shachou's voice but I couldn't catch what she said. Shachou might tell them to let me in. Even if they would drag me out I would find a way to see her. I wouldn't stop until I meet her. Funny, I never felt something like this before. Of course, Ray was my first.
I arrived at her room. My heart was pumping fast, I could hear my blood rushing up. After a breath, I opened the door. It surprised me that the lamps were still on. I closed the door quietly and walked toward her. Her eyes were closed.
I stood beside her bed, looking down at her. She was beautiful when sleeping. I had this urge to touch her hand, but afraid I would wake her up. So I decided the thing that had come across my mind now. I leaned down and kissed her forehead gently. Before I could prevent it, a drop of tear dropped down.
"Kai…?"
He was standing there, looking down at me. He was smiling yet his eyes red as if he had cried for hours. I thought I had a dream when I felt kiss on my forehead and was surprised to meet his eyes.
"Kai, what are you doing here?" I asked. He said he couldn't visit me today. 'What time is it now?' I glanced at table clock and frowned. It past midnight. "In the middle of the night?" He smiled slightly, fighting back his tears.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just…" he trailed off and looked away. "…I couldn't sleep…you know, nervous."
I knew he was lying. I was nervous too the night before my first stage. But I didn't cry back there. As I looked at his teary eyes, I knew something was wrong. 'Did he…'
'…know?'
He must know otherwise he wouldn't come here in the middle of the night while crying. I took a good look at him. No doubt, he did.
What should I do? I didn't prepare what to say if he knows my illness. Should I tell him? No, if I told him now I would be a burden. He had important concert tomorrow. If I told him now he wouldn't be able to focus on his concert. If it was another time I would scream out loud happy for him worrying about me.
"As much as I'm happy you are here but you need to rest. What time will your concert begin?" I asked.
"Six," he replied softly. "Don't mind me. I will sleep somewhere. You need to sleep too."
I couldn't help a smile. "Come here." I moved slightly to my left.
"What?...No," he said, blushing slightly. "…I can sleep on the couch."
"You need good sleep. That couch won't give that to you. If you worried about me, I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" He looked at me, hesitated.
"I am. I promise will keep my hands," I said. My smile grew bigger as I saw his smile.
He took off his jacket, necktie and shoes. I looked at his wrinkled shirt. He must be sleeping with his shirt still on. He hesitantly climbed into bed and sat beside me. For awhile we were just sitting awkwardly before he lying down, pulling me down with him. I laid head on his shoulder. One of his arm was on my back while the other arm hugged me. I was surprised but soon relaxed in his arm.
My heart was beating fast. His body felt nice. I had wondered what it was like to sleep in his arms and now I knew it. It felt good; I felt safe. I closed my eyes as I listened to his heartbeat. Like mine it beat fast. He then surprised me again with kissing my temple.
"Try to sleep."
He tightened his hug but carefully not to pull my IV. This was too much for me that I was overwhelmed. Even though my brain told me to push him away but my heart just couldn't. I couldn't push him away again. If I must die then I wanted to feel him. To remember him.
As a reply I kissed his chest where his heart belongs and let sleep took me.
5:47. I was morning already. After sighing, I turned my gaze to the girl sleeping on my chest. She was taller than me but she could manage to position her body fitting me. I moved my hand on her back to her head and caressed it softly. I never told her but I like the lavender scent of her hair. I meant it when I said her hair was smooth. It felt nice on my fingers. I moved my head slightly so I could see her long face. Her face was smooth, even without makeup she was beautiful. Her nose was tall and her pink lips were cute. I liked it when she talked or smiled. Even when she was pouting, it looked cute. Unconsciously, I lifted my hand from her belly and touched her face. From her cheek, nose, lips to her chin. For the first time in my life I had this urge to kiss someone lips. I trailed finger over her lips. It was soft.
'What are you thinking Nami' I slapped my head mentally. However, before I pulled back my hand, she opened her eyes. I froze as she noticed my finger on her lips. She tilted her head and her eyes met mine. Her eyes scared me. Not that it was scary, but because it was warm and there was…love.
We stared at each other for God knew how long. For once I listened to what my heart told me, I lifted her chin up and kissed her lips.
It wasn't like we never done a kiss before. She had kissed me several times. But I never kissed back, that added another regret. But this time it was me who kissed her. This time I initiated the kiss.
I moved my lips gently over her lips. I wasn't surprised when she kissed back. She let out a moan as I took her lower lip. I wanted to hear more. I nibbled her upper lip. It earned me another moan. Then it was my turn to moan as I felt her warm and wet tongue on my lips. She parted my lips with her tongue and slid it inside my mouth. I moaned loudly as her tongue met mine for the first time. She moaned as well. She then lifted her head, moving up slowly. I put my other hand on her back, pulling her upper body to lay on me.
I didn't mean to heat up the kiss, but she seemed has another plan. The slowly kiss soon turned to a passionate kiss. My heart was beating fast inside my chest that I thought it may explode. I felt warmer, correct hot. I felt hot.
But then I felt something wet at the corner of my lips. I opened my eyes and saw tears flowing down from her closed eye. With my thumb I wiped the tear. She slowly opened her eyes. As we stared at each other the kiss became more slowl and we needed to part. The need of oxygen forced us.
She was flushing furiously and panting. This sight warmed me and I decided this was the time. I cupped her cheeks to bring her deep brown eyes to mine. "I love you."
She looked surprised at my sudden confession but then nodded lightly. She smiled a warm smile, yet another tears ran down her cheek. "I'm sorry it took me this long to realize my feeling."
"Yeah, too long," she said between her tears and smile.
"I know, I'm sorry." I smiled back. "I'm sorry I didn't know."
I didn't need to say the word since I noticed the change in her eyes. She cupped my cheek with her hand and shook her head lightly.
"You can't change the past. But, even though I couldn't turn back the time, I will make this time with you last forever. It's enough for me."
I pulled her down and hugged her. "I love you, and I will always love you."
"You tell her?" Asahi in Riku dress asked in surprised.
We were on the dress room. While Riku and I were checking our wig, Kuu was eating cakes the staff brought for us. It seemed in his list the word nervous wasn't existed. He was Hinata after all.
I told Riku about Ray. The two bombarded me as soon I entered lobby. I was surprised to find one of staff was waiting for me outside of Ray's room. Shachou had him to pick me up to concert hall. He even brought my change. I left hospitals after breakfast with Ray. Well, Ray's breakfast actually but she insisted we eat together. In my image hospital's food was awfully taste, but Ray's food was delicious. I shouldn't be surprised though since she was Japan's number one Diva after all.
I couldn't help a smile as I remembered her blushing when I fed her.
"Yeah, I told her," I replied. Riku who was looking at me smiling, narrowing his eyes playfully.
"Ehm…so that's mean you two are couple then."
"Shut up," I said, blushing furiously.
"Lucky you then."
He patted my shoulder and rose to his feet. "Let's do this, don't we?"
I nodded my head and stood up. I was about to turned around when I heard Riku called my name.
"You two will be fine."
I offered a small smile and nodded my head. "Thanks."
'Yosh, this is my first live concert as Persona, as an idol' I had dreamt for this moment. 'I can do this'
My cell phone suddenly vibrated. Frowning, I took the phone from makeup table and read the message.
'I love you.'
These three words were enough to make me confident. I pressed buttons quickly before pressing send button.
'Love you too.'
Smiling, I put the phone back on the table and walked toward door. My excitement increased.
There was a lot of people out there watching us. The big hall was filled by people. Our fans. They screamed our name when we showed up on the stage. Then the fireworks fired up and the music followed. It started.
My eyes glued to a flat TV in front of me. Particularly to the short blonde idol who was singing and dancing. His dance was energetic yet smooth. It was the man I saw a year ago at Music Indies. The man who held my eyes, also my heart. I couldn't help but remembered his kiss. He had kissed me. He also confessed his feeling to me. My heart fluttered as I recalled his touches.
Suddenly, my eyes blurred and I felt dizzy. My whole body ached and my chest tightened. I couldn't breathe. I reached the emergency button and pressed it. I heard sound from door and footsteps running toward me.
The nurse was shouting something but I couldn't hear or see them. I tried to inhale but it hurt instead. My whole body felt like it was burning.
"Can you hear me?" a man asked. "Can you hear me? Take her impulse."
"It's too slow."
It was a woman voice. I felt mask over my nose and mouth. It helped me to breathe easily.
Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip
I recognized that sounds. My heartbeat. I didn't need the machine to know that my heartbeat was slow.
"She has fever. Get the cold," the man said again.
Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip…Pip….Pip…Pip
"Ray san, can you hear me?"
I wanted to nod but I couldn't move. Suddenly I felt something in my throat and I coughed. Something splashed against my skin under the mask and I couldn't breathe again.
"She's bleeding."
Another man voice. He pulled off the mask on my face. "Give me new mask."
Someone wiped my face with wet cloth. I felt dreadful. I couldn't feel my body.
Pip….Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip….…Pip….…Pip…..Pip
I really hated those sounds.
"It cut 30. Prepare the defibrillator. Hurry!"
Everyone rushed inside the room. But I couldn't see them. My eyes were heavy. I felt tired. My breathing became slower and slower. 'I will die?'
Someone pulled my robe open and I felt something cold on my chest. If I could move, they would be sorry to expose my body.
"Ready. In three. One. Two. Three!"
I felt shock and my chest were pulled up.
Pip..Pip…Pip…..Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip….…Pip….…P ip…..Pip
"Once again. In one. Two. Three."
I felt that shock again.
Pip…Pip…Pip…..Pip….Pip….Pip…..Pip….…Pip…Pip….…Pip… ..Pip….
'Kai…'
I felt adrenalin rushing as we sang and danced. The crowd, our fans, were following us singing our song. I was soaking in sweat but I enjoyed the concert. I could see Asahi and Hinata were enjoying it too. We had practiced almost every day for months for this live concert. Just for this moment.
I was glad that I didn't give up my dream. Well I had failed many auditions back then. However, those auditions brought me to know Asahi and Hinata. Since then I had friends who had same dream with me. I didn't have to walk alone anymore. I had them to pull me up when I fall, and hold my hands so I can stand with confident. I was grateful to meet them and be their friend.
As we finished the last song, the fireworks fired up again and the crowd cheers us. I looked at Riku and Kuu as we laughed at each other. We had finished our three hours live concert.
"Whell…Whow!" Riku as Persona leader gave the speech. He cleared his throat. "Excuse us to take a breath."
The crowd laughed. After inhaling, he continued the speech. "Whe whant to thank…olof you…for coming to our first live concert tonight. Thank you!"
The crowd went wild again.
"Thank you guys!" Kuu and I said at once.
"We also want to thank for your supports. It really helped us. Thank you. I love you guys!" Kuu said and the crowd cheered again.
It was my turn now. I held the mic in front of me and started my speech. "Well, what I wanted to say had been told, so…" The crowds laughed and I joined them. "So I want to tell you guys that…"
I stopped suddenly as a feeling crept up my body. I had bad, bad feeling. That bad that made my chest tightened. 'What is it?'
"Kai," Riku called.
My heart, it hurt. I stepped backward, lowering my mic. I didn't like this feeling. I didn't like it.
'Ray'
"Kai what happened?" Riku turned to me and took my arm. "Kai?"
I could hear the crowd's murmurs. The light was on me. I knew they could see my pale face.
"Kai!"
I looked up at Riku and Kuu. "I…I…I have bad…bad feeling," I said. My voice cracked and my eyes watered. "She…"
I took a step back, turning around. I ran toward the back stage. I heard gasps from the crowd and Riku's voice. I ran through the staffs and securities. Marilyn called my name. She grabbed my hand to stop me.
"Kai, what happened?" she asked.
"I…I want to see Ray," I said without looking at her.
"But you have live now."
"I don't care! I want to see Ray!" I didn't mean to shout at her but the urge to see Ray pushed my button. Marilyn frowned as she saw my anger and tears.
"Follow me."
Shachou appeared behind me and started to walk out the room. I followed Shachou, leaving the confused Marilyn. I heard some staffs whispering behind me. I knew I had made a scene, but I didn't care. I didn't give a damn what people think if they know Ray and I have relation, because Ray was mine. Yes, Ray was mine.
Once the car stopped in front of the hospital, I burst out. Without waiting for Shachou, I ran into the building. I pushed elevator button and was about to kick the door as it stopped in 2nd floor before moving down. As soon the door opened, I walked in and pressed the close button and then sixth floor button.
'Please, let her alive. Please!'
I didn't bother to fight tears and let it down. As soon as the door open, I ran out the elevator. But someone called my name. I ignored it but he shouted again. I saw the doctor I had seen before. He approached me.
"You're the one with Ray san right?"
I knitted my brows, confused.
"She's fine," he added. "For now."
He made me confused more.
"Follow me, I want to have a talk with you," he said before turning around, walking to the opposite side.
I glanced at Ray's room before decided to follow the doctor. This was the second time today someone told me to follow them. I walked in the doctor room and took a sit before him as he beckoned. My heart was still pounding.
"She's in critical condition," he said after a moment.
'What?'
"Her cancer was the last stadium. At this point, I'm sorry but there's nothing we can do."
'What's he saying?'
"We had proposed to do transplantation 6 months ago. But she refused it. She also refused to do chemotherapy."
'What's that? 6 months ago?'
"I don't like to say this, but…I'm afraid her time is getting close. I told you this because it seemed you are the closest person to her."
'What time is close? What's it about I'm being close to her?'
"Stay with her. She may not say it but she needs you now," he said softly.
I walked out the doctor room. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Or whatever to ease the pain. I squatted against the wall and let out tears. I covered my mouth with hands, afraid I would burst into cry. My body was trembling. My heart ached.
'Ray…I don't want you to go…I'll do whatever you want just don't leave me…Just don't leave me alone…'
Why!?
Why did she have to go when I just realized my feeling? Why now when we just started our relationship?
WHY!?
'Oh my God, Ray…What should I do without you now? How could I sing knowing you were not there to hear me?'
I hugged my knees and cried out. Someone touched my shoulder.
"Nami. You can't erase her illness. But there is thing you can help her."
I looked up at Shachou.
"You can help her face it. You can help to make it easy for her. You can help her to have memory of being loved. She can't do that without you," Shachou said.
She caressed my cheek and wiped away the tears.
"Be strong Nami. For her."
Shachou was right. I couldn't sit here, crying myself. Ray needed me right now. I wiped the coming tears and nodded my head. Shachou helped me up to my feet and patted my shoulder. I walked toward the door, replaying what Shachou had told me. 'Be strong Nami. She needs you'
I pulled the door slowly and entered the room. My heart clenched at the sight but I fought back tears. No more crying. She was lying with oxygen mask on her face. There was monitor beside her I didn't see before. It showed her heartbeat with pip sounds at every beat.
I walked toward her and reached her hands. I held it and kissed it gently. She slowly opened her eyes.
"K-Ka…i…"
"Hey, beautiful," I said. I forced my lips to curl up. I leaned down so she could see me.
"Y-you...are…here…"
I could see her smile. "Yeah, I'm here." I decided to sit beside her.
"How's…your…live?"
I could tell she was trying to keep focus on me. "You missed the best live ever." I caressed her cheek. She let out a weak chuckle.
"I…hoped…was…there…"
I nodded my head. "Don't worry I will give you the recording."
"Kai…"
"Yes?"
"I'm…sleepy." She closed her eyes. "Can…you…hold…me?"
It took me everything to fight the tears and nodded my head. "Yeah," I said and released her hands so I can lie beside her. I lifted her head and snaked my arm under it. My other hand found its place over her belly. I kissed her head and laid beside her.
"Kai…"
"Yes?"
"Can…you…sing…for…me?"
"Um," I mumbled. I thought for the song she might like and sang. I sang 3 Seconds softly in her ear. She soon relaxed. I prayed to God that she wouldn't close her eyes forever.
I look at you for just 3 seconds,
And I seem to fall for you
Your love
Is my pleasure
Sharp eyes cut through your chest,
And you become a prisoner of the man before your eyes
Everyone wants somebody
To take them away to a faraway place
I look at you for just 3 seconds,
And I seem to fall into a spell
Reason is lost,
And I can no longer move
I look at you for just 3 seconds,
And I seem to fall for you
Your love
Is my pleasure
This unexpected encounter is fate's snare, right?
I'm forced to test the heat of this passion
Without thinking things ahead,
I move forward with a strong sense of courage
…
Men
Are always fools, right?
We try to show off
While being hurt by love
Everyone wants somebody
To take them away to a faraway place
I look at you for just 3 seconds,
And I seem to fall into a spell
Reason is lost,
And I can no longer move
I look at you for just 3 seconds,
And I seem to fall for you
Your love
Is my pleasure
I sang the last part softly. She was breathing slowly. She was breathing. I then reached my cell phone in my pants pocket. I opened the internet and searched for the new song that had helped me realize my feeling. I didn't know the title of the song but there was a song with some words. So I picked the video and pressed start button. It was the song.
How did I ever let you slip away
Never knowing I'd be singing this song some day
And now I'm sinking, sinking to rise no more
Ever since you closed the door
If I could turn, turn back the hands of time
Then my darlin' you'd still be mine
If I could turn, turn back the hands of time
Then darlin' you, you'd still be mine
Funny, funny how time goes by
And blessings are missed in the wink of an eye
Why oh why oh why should one have to go on suffering
When every day I pray please come back to me
And you had enough love for the both of us
But I, I, I did you wrong, I admit I did
But now I'm facing the rest of my life alone, whoa
I'd never hurt you (If I could turn back)
Never do you wrong (If I could turn back)
And never leave your side (If I could turn back)
If I could turn back the hands
There'd be nothing I wouldn't do for you (If I could turn back)
Forever honest and true to you(If I could turn back)
If you accept me back in your heart, I love you (If I could turn back the hands)
(If I could turn back)
That would be my will (If I could turn back)
Darlin' I'm begging you to take me by the hands (If I could turn back the hands)
I'm going down, yes I am (If I could turn back)
Down on my bended knee, yeah (If I could turn back)
And I'm gonna be right there until you return to me (If I could turn back the hands)
(If I could turn back)
If I could just turn back that little clock on the wall (If I could turn back)
Then I'd come to realize how much I love you
Love you love you love you (If I could turn back the hands)
"If I could, I will turn back the times. Back to the time when you drove me to my apartment, to tell myself to reach for your hands.
"Back to the time when you came to meet me at my rehearsal day, to tell myself to greet you properly, or maybe hug you back.
"Back to the time when you sent me message that you'll have a tour or your another messages, to tell myself to reply your message or maybe call you.
"Back to the time when you gave me my birthday presents, to tell myself to hug or kiss your cheek.
"Back to the time when you had your last performance as the top of Music 10, to tell myself to bring you flower.
"Back to the time when you came to see me for the first time at the studio, to tell myself not to hurt your feeling."
"But I won't. I will not turn back. You know why?"
"Firstly, I can't do that." I chuckled. "Sorry. Because I won't change it. I don't want to. If I change it then you won't fall for me, so I you."
"I had regretted many things in my life. One of them was I didn't realize my feeling sooner. But you know, one thing that I won't regret is…loving you. I love you Ray and I will always love you."
I kissed her cheek gently and I noticed a drop of tear on her cheek. I kissed the tear.
Two days later Ray closed her eyes forever. I hugged her and cried. But I didn't break. It surprised me. It might because I knew she knows my feeling. She had accepted and embraced it with her.
It took me three weeks until I could stand on my feet and left my room. It took me three months until I could start my activity as personnel of Persona.
Many of your fans, all over Japan, had cried for months because of you. Also my fans did because they knew that I love, note love, you. Yeah, they finally realized why I had run away at the concert day
It took me year till I could hear your name without shedding tears. It took me a year and six months till I could stop crying in the middle of night.
It took me a year and ten months till finally, finally I could meet you again.
Okay long run there. R. Kelly's song If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time was the reason I wrote this story. Recently, I found the song, I know it's late, and after I reread Kai/Nami-Ray fics I decide to write a story based on the song. I had actually cried while writting this story. So forgive me?
There'll be epilogue for this. Reviews are welcome.
