A/N: Trigger warning. This story is centered massively around self harm.
Disclaimer: I unfortunately don't own any of the NCIS characters and I am not profiting from this story.
Dear diary
The end of another case at last and a weekend to look forward to, if I didn't have this much going on in my head I think I would enjoy it. The case was about a petty officer who died from a single gunshot to the head. When Metro found him he was wearing a suit and looked as if he was going to dinner but nobody expected to see what was underneath his clothes but even with that we have ran out of leads so we have to stop investigating. From his shoulders to ankles he was covered in self harm scars and many appeared to be recent as they looked like they had just healed. I mean I should know, it's not like I'm a stranger to this but nobody actually knows. I think Kate had an idea of what was going on however that is of no use now. One day though I did find a drawing on my desk, it was of me sat at my typewriter. The writing around it talked about everything being okay and help was out there so I think it was safe to say that Kate knew.
I do still go out of my way to hide it, I always wear long sleeves but I know one day someone will find out. It's also one of the reasons why I don't want a love life. If I do I will have to explain all of the cuts and scars and then if they leave they're free to tell whomever they want which is another reason why I don't intend to tell Tony. Abby saw my scars one Halloween and said the make up was brilliant but she couldn't say that now, there's way too many.
Ziva doesn't know, we're good friends but she knows more about Tony. Me and Palmer never really clicked properly unless we were talking about computer games so he hasn't asked and Ducky just doesn't know. But if Gibbs knew I don't know what I'd do that's why this book is locked up tighter than Fort Knox.
I can't believe I still write in this book. Even though I don't write in here every night I still write in here after every case which could be a danger to national security if it was ever found but I don't intend to get rid of this any time soon.
End of entry
Monday…
As McGee walked into the bullpen he heard the roar of an angry Gibbs with no coffee "gear up!" He then knew that this case was going to be pain in the backside "Metro found us a dead marine who served in Iraq as a part of a sniper unit". Oh yeah, this is gonna be fun.
At the scene…
"Apologies for being late my dear Jethro, Mr Palmer got us lost again"
"Hey duck don't worry about it one day he will learn to read a map and drive at the same time" replied Gibbs almost cracking a smile until he remembered the reason he was there.
"Dr can we not just buy a satnav? I will even pay for it fully myself" questioned Palmer
"No Mr Palmer, such wretched things. Good old fashioned maps will do us just fine" replied Ducky
"Never mind Palmer at least you're here, I don't know where the rest of my team are. David, DiNozzo, McGee get your sorry asses out here!" Gibbs shouted
"Just getting the equipment boss" McGee replied on behalf of the team
"I don't care, hurry up McGee!"
"You might want to go a bit easier on them Jethro" Ducky intervened "Last week was a hard week for all of us and the fact that the case has ran cold makes life no easier"
"C'mon Duck, what team takes ten minutes to get equipment out of a van?"
"A cautious one, this is a very steep slope and we don't want anybody taking a tumble do we?"
"Maybe you should tell Palmer that this time" Gibbs then turned to his team who had finally got all of the equipment ready "DiNozzo sketch, Ziva bag and tag, McGee witness statements" said Gibbs glad that everyone was finally working. Some family somewhere needed answers as he did all those years ago.
The hard work lasted all of five minutes when McGee had to break the news that there were no witnesses. "How is there no witnesses when Metro got tipped off about a dead body?"
"I don't know boss. I can try and find out who called by tracing the number"
"Then what are you waiting for" McGee then ran to the van to get his laptop, luckily he bought it with him this time. Using a local hotspot he accessed the NCIS database and found nothing but a pay phone address but it was seventy miles away from the crime scene.
"You sure McGee?"
"Definitely boss"
"Go then. DiNozzo, go with him."
"On it boss. Hey McGoo, what did you do to piss him off?"
"I really don't know Tony"
"You got any ideas?"
"Not this time"
Couple of hours later at NCIS HQ
"McGee, DiNozzo, how nice of youyou to join us. Do you have anything?"
"No boss" McGee replied "not a single finger print on the pay phone at all and there were no CCTV cameras near by, the one in the box was disabled"
"Go and see what Ducky has then McGee if you really have nothing else to offer"
"Okay boss" McGee replied just hoping that he would figure out what he had done that was so wrong.
"Hey Ducky" McGee greeted in a fed up voice
"Hello Timothy, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine but I think I have done something wrong"
"What makes you say that?"
"Gibbs is in a really bad mood with me"
"Don't take it to heart my dear boy. This case is about a marine sniper so to Gibbs this is very personal"
"I'll try Ducky, you got any information for me?"
"Ahh, well I'm not to sure that Gibbs should find this out via messenger pigeon"
"If I don't go back with anything he might actually murder me this time"
"Well, if you must. Tell him from what I can see we have an identical killing. The marine has self harm scars up all of his arms and some on his stomach and thighs, we may have a serial killer but forensics will have to confirm my suspicions"
At this point McGee was stuck for words so only said "thank you" and left, now he had to tell Gibbs and he wasn't going to like it.
"What McGee!"
"Abby still has to confirm it though boss" McGee stuttered
"Well go and check then!" Gibbs shouted "it's hard to believe you're such a genius when it comes to complicated things but you're so brain dead when it comes to using your initiative"
"Abby" McGee called as he stepped out of the elevator "please tell me you have something that will make Gibbs like me again"
"Well, I have something"
"What is it?"
"Well it's nothing"
"Please Abby"
"It's the same McGee. Same murder weapon, no prints and no DNA so technically it is nothing"
"He really is gonna kill me"
"I will start collecting for your funeral, I already have the funds from the time…"
"Don't go there Abbs, not a time I want to remember"
"Hey what about the time you slept with Dianne"
"I didn't sleep with her!"
"I was only kidding McGoo, chill"
"Sorry Abby. Gibbsis is really getting to me."
"Give me a hug" Abby then ran up to McGee and embraced him in a massive hug from which he couldn't escape but what Abby didn't know was that she was hurting McGee. All the recent cuts up his arm started to hurt and McGee was almost certain that one had started to bleed again. Luckily he kept his blazer on for the short visit.
"I will come upstairs with you if you like"
"You're amazing Abby"
"I know" Abby said grinning from ear to ear
Approaching the bullpen both Abby and McGee heard Gibbs having another go at DiNozzo for his childish handwriting. "See McGee" Abby stated "it's not just you"
"Is that supposed to provide me with some comfort?"
"In a way yes" Abby then approached the king of the beasts who was ready to take down his prey until he was interrupted "you got yourself a double homicide"
"Great, just what we need"
"Do you need a hug too?" Abby questioned only to receive a very stern
"No" from Gibbs
"Come ere, you know a hug always makes you feel better" so Abby ran up to Gibbs and gave him a hug "I'm not letting gogo until you start playing nicely"
"Just let go Abbs"
"No" Abby retolerated "you have to promise"
"Fine, I promise. Now let me go, we have an bad guy to catch"
Gibbs then went to visit Ducky to receive a physiological profile only to find a note saying 'tread carefully around this subject Jethro, it may still be raw for some of the team'. All Gibbs could think was what had he missed? He spent the next five minutes in autopsy going through past events and constantly thinking how both cases were linked by self harm. Ziva had worn a top with no sleeves just last week, DiNozzo basically stripped in front of everybody when the air con broke down again, Abby is too happy and would speak to him first and Palmer is way too easy to read. That only really leaves McGee he thought. McGee never changed clothes in the bullpen like Tony did, he's never had to go undercover wearing short sleeves and he is very fidgety so he must always be checking that his sleeves are down. How could Gibbs have missed this one? It was staring him in the face. The way McGee froze when we found out about the self harm scars on the first body, he just thought he was shocked. Then right on cue Ducky walked in.
"It appears that I forgot my umbrella, it is quite bad weather outside"
"How did I miss it Duck?"
"Jethro, for the past couple ofof weeks you have been so concentrated on your job that none of us could get through to you but before that I really don't know. Maybe you just refused to believe it"
" I should have noticed. Me of all people."
"Are you going to try and get through to him?"
"For once I don't know how"
"Tell him your story, your reasons and the way you justified it, how Mike and me found out. Different people require different approaches to sensitive subjects"
"You're the only one who knows about me Duck. How did you find out about McGee?"
"I didn't say you had to share your story, it was merely a suggestion and I found out about McGee when he had a run in with poison ivy a while back although, he hid most of it from me quite well. I didn't question him about it because he looked like he would break down if I did and as a doctor I believe that he wasn't ready to face it"
"I still can't believe I missed it on a member of my very own team"
aboutDear diary
Turns out we have a double homicide to attend to and absolutely no leads. It is hitting Gibbs hard and he is taking it out on all of us. I did more cuts than usual today, I don't quite know know why though. At least I'm still the only one who knows even if it was a close call with Ducky a while ago.
A/N: By all means critise my writing and plot but please be kind about the subject as some people find it difficult to approach.
If anyone needs someone to talk to I will be glad to provide some support but I do not log on very often but child-line provides brilliant support for people in this situation for young people in the UK. I would appreciate it massively if people reading in other countries like the USA could provide websites or phone numbers for supportive communities in the reviews, even if this story helps just one person I will be thrilled. If you don't want to post them yourself or anonymously I will be more than happy to include them in my authors notes at the end of a chapter if you send me the information.
