"Hey Sash?" I looked at my best friend of 3 years. Basically since college started.
"Hm?" She hummed as she cooked our dinner. We were presently in her apartment, lazing around, waiting for something good to come up on TV.
"How can you tell if your in love with someone?" She suddenly choked on the side dish she was tasting when she heard my question. I laughed at her helpless display like the great best friend I am. "Wha-What?" She coughed, trying to regain her normal breathing.
"I said, how can you tell if your in love with someone? You know, love, romance, the dopamine in our brains, the feeling you've always felt for food." I smirk at her.
"FYI, I happen to know what love is. You don't have to explain it to me Mr. Know-It-All." She crosse her arms and returns to her cooking. "And because you didn't help me while I was choking, you'll have to make dinner for yourself. Hmp!" She was kidding. I knew she was.
"Oh come on, it's not my fault that you choked on baby potatoes just because I asked you something. You didn't even answer the question." I complain, slouching even deeper into the beat up couch.
I close my eyes, thinking about my own question. Maybe I should have just asked her head on with "How can I tell if I've really fallen in love with you?" and not rephrased it. But I guess It was a good thing I didn't because she might have died instead of just choke on that potato.
I wanted to doze off. Not really caring about eating dinner. But then I remember that I might (emphasis on might) be in love with the person who cooked dinner and that she is also my best friend. Wouldn't want to make her efforts feel unappreciated. So I quickly sit up, which turned out to be a big mistake, maybe not, because my forehead collides with Sasha's and we end up in a somewhat delicate position on the couch with her on top of me. We both groan as we open our eyes.
I feel her arms pressed between our chests, our legs tangled together, our faces, inches apart. Oh wow she's gorgeous. The next second, I feel her breath tickle my nose and in an instant, I lose myself in her eyes. Maybe I'm only imagining it, or maybe I'm not, but I think we were actually about to close the gap between us. We were about to kiss.
Knock knock.
Oh yes, please, go ahead and ruin the moment.
Sasha quickly gets off me and fixes her clothes. I get back into my lazy position on the couch and Sasha walks to the door. Like nothing happened. Amazing.
Another knock. Harder this time.
"Coming!" Sasha hurriedly says. "Oh hey you guys! What brings you to my humble abode?" She gestures them inside, whoever they are. Since I don't feel like listening, I go to the kitchen to get a drink. I think something sweet should lighten up my mood of disappointment about what didn't happen.
"This certainly gave me more insight about the quote inches away." I murmur to myself as I take a sip of the fresh milk from the Braus family farm.
"Jean! I didn't know you were here!"
Of course it was Eren Jaeger who interrupted our almost kiss. Eren freakin Jaeger.
"I didn't think you had to know where I was all the time. Don't worry, next time I'll you my itinerary." I snap at him. "Why the hell are you so grumpy? I only just got here, and all I did was greet you for f's sake." He retaliated.
"Yeah whatever, what're you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be at your job or something while still being totally oblivious to Mikasa's feelings?" I glower at him, finishing off the last of my milk.
"Yeah well, I thought you'd be somewhere else too, still being oblivious to your very obvious feelings for Sasha." He countered, smiling smugly at me.
That, shut me up. Damn it. I walk away, not wanting to get into a more heated argument. I walk back to to the living room only to see Mikasa and Sash exchanging books. Philosophy books, I think.
"Hello Jean, I thought you'd be here." Mikasa smiled at me. "Hi, really? What made you think that?" I smile back. "You're always here. The quickest way to find you is to look for Sasha." I faintly blush at her response.
"That so? I haven't really thought of it that way." I brush it off. "Sash, I'll be in the guest room alright? Mikasa, I'll be going." I exit the room as they both nod at me.
Eren and I pass each other in the hallway. "Thanks pal. I needed that wake-up call." I pat him on the back. He just nods at me, knowing full well the struggle I'm going through.
Well, at least now I know that I really am in love with Sasha Braus. Wow Jean, it only took you two years to realize it. You even had to have Eren and Mikasa point it out for you.
Then it hits me, I entered the wrong room, and lied down on the wrong bed. I'm in Sasha's room. A surge of nostalgia surges through me. The last time I was in here was half a year ago, I was drunk off my ass and Sash took care of me for a whole day. I still don't know how she was able to deal with my drunk ass for 24 hours, but she did. Hell, I don't even know how she's been putting up with me for the past three years.
I sit up and look around, there are photos and drawings everywhere. That's not what surprised me though, Sash and I were journalists after all. Artistry was normal for us. What really caught my attention was the circle of photos pinned on the wall. Each picture had two people.
Annie and Armin holding hands at the park. Bertholt and Ymir hugging. Reiner and Historia reading in the library. Mikasa fixing Eren's bow tie. Connie and Marco playing chess. The middle photo was of an unconscious Sasha on my back as I was running through the rain. I wonder who took our photo. I mean, it couldn't have been Sash. She was unconscious on my back. The reason why, is another story altogether.
I move my gaze left, towards the paintings. I am awestruck as I look at them. She's improved quite a lot. The one that captures my heart the most is a painting of the whole crew, wearing white pants and a sort of long sleeved jacket, and a green cape with a symbol I think I've seen before but can't remember where. Huh. We were doing some sort of stance with our right arms in front and the left at the back, fists slanted along our chests. There are rectangular boxes that are hanging at the side of our legs, and belts looped all over our bodies. I wonder what the boxes do. I reach out to touch it when I feel someone slide their arms around me, pulling me into a back hug. They nuzzled their head into my back.
"Sash? What's wrong? Hey, answer me." I use the most gentle voice I could muster and hold her hands that are tightly holding onto my shirt. "I just... I keep having these dreams, and that's how we look in our dreams where we fight these giants, and lots of our friends either die or become traitors. And you, I'm always scared you might be next or Connie or Mikasa. I just feel like I've lost you before, and I don't want to go through it ever again. But I'm probably just being silly, because we've only known each other for three years and you never left me once." She hugs me tighter.
I loosen her grip on me, turn myself around and pull her into my chest. "I'd be the biggest idiot in the world if I left you, Sash. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere." I lift her up by the chin and giver her my warmest smile. She reciprocates and we just stood there, smiling at each other like a love struck couple.
Rumble rumble.
"Heh. I guess I'm hungry, let's go eat dinner!" She tightened the hug on last time before running off towards the kitchen, giggling.
Well that was... something I'd totally expect from Sasha Braus. I chuckle as I walk towards the kitchen. "Do you need help with the dishes?" I ask her. "Just get the drinks from the fridge and bring them to the living room." She ordered.
This, this back hugging, having dinner together, laughing while the other is choking on a baby potato, it's normal for best friends right? I mean, of course it is, I'm the only one here who wants it be more than what it already is. Should I though? Should I risk our friendship for the sake of telling her I love her?
If she loves me, in a romantic sense, then confessing to her would be t he best decision I will ever make in my life. If she doesn't love me, in a romantic sense, the I'll have broken the best friendship I've ever had. Sigh. Hmm, I guess I'll turn the question around then.
"Hey Sash?" I look at her as I get seated on the couch. "Hn?" She hums in response as she places the plates on the table one by one. I wait 'til the last plate was on the table. "How can you tell if someone loves you?" I ask her seriously.
"Jean, do you have a fever?" Her eyebrows furrow while she places her hand on my forehead. I'm too taken aback by her reaction to react myself. "It doesn't feel like you have one. Are you hurting anywhere?" Her voice is so full of concern that I'm awestruck.
I hold onto the hand hovering near my forehead. "Why is it, that you're so taken aback whenever I bring up that topic? I'm starting to get suspicious Sash, you're in love with someone, aren't you?" I smile smugly at her ever obvious blush. "You're blushing! So you are in love with someone, and you didn't tell me." I frown at the thought once I realized how much weight it carried.
She's in love, and she didn't tell me? I mean, yeah I would've gone through the whole jealous and overprotective best friend phase and all, but still, she kept it from me. Sasha has never kept anything from me. For goodness sake, she even tells me what kind of tampons she prefers! Sigh.
"Hey, don't get mad at me. I was gonna tell you, you know. I just wasn't sure yet." She explains while taking a big portion out of her salad. "What's there not to be sure of? Sasha, since when did you keep secrets from me?" I snap at her. "Keep secrets? Excuse me, I didn't think it was necessary to keep you posted about everything concerning my love life considering you didn't even tell me who you were falling in love with." She sets her bowl down on the table with a thud and crosses her arms together.
"Oh no you don't, you are not turning the tables on me. I asked you first." I stare at her intently. "What else do you want me to tell you? I'm in love with someone period! There's nothing else you need to know." She scoffs at me. "Then I guess that's all you need to know about me too." I grab my phone and head straight for the door. "Good night. Thanks for dinner." I walk out the door. I hear her shout my name as I walk down the staircase but I'm too conflicted to turn around.
I get into my car, rev the engine, and speed my way out of the parking lot. I'm smart enough to know that I shouldn't be driving, let alone speeding, with conflicted emotions and anger and sadness, but honestly, I didn't care anymore. I don't care anymore. Sasha was in love with someone, someone who got to her first because I was too slow, too hesitant, to cowardly to confess to her. Damn it.
Gas. Clutch. Gear. Break. Clutch. Gear. Gas. Gas. Clutch. Gas. Gas. Gas. Break.
I don't even know where I'm heading, or if I'll even get there with the way I'm driving and all. I hear my phone ring, but I ignore it. It keeps vibrating on my dashboard, I ignore it. I ignore everything until I see red and blue flashes on my rear view mirror and hear the voice of a cop telling me to pull over. The next thing I know, I'm in a cell at the local police station.
"Kid, you get one call, and one call only. Get at it." The officer directed me towards the payphone. Right, I need someone to bail me out. Definitely not my Mom, considering she'll scold me to death and I really don't want her to drive all the way from Trost to Sina.
How about Eren? He'd never let me live it down. Mikasa? Mikasa! Her dad's the chief of the Rose police division, maybe he can bail me out with a call or something. But even that's asking for too much. Connie? Nah, he's too busy with his job. Marco? The guy's either going to be too asleep or too engrossed in watching Attack on Titan to notice my call. How about Armin? I've already asked him for help too many times. Historia? She's the Senator's daughter you idiot. Annie? Ymir? Definitely not. Bertholt? Reiner? They're probably too busy hitting it at a bar somewhere.
That leaves... Sash. I really don't wanna have to do this to her. Specially after walking out like that. Nice job being such an ass of a best friend Jean.
Ring ring.
"Hello. Sasha Braus here, I'm a bit busy so just leave me a message." Her energetic voice didn't falter at all. Of course it didn't, it's a recording after all, but I do hope she's actually listening and just not in the mood to actually pick up.
"Hey Sash? I know I just walked out on you and all, and I'll apologize to you as soon as I can, but the thing is, can you come to the local police station for sec? I kinda got arrested for spee-"
"WHAT!" She cut me off. "Are you okay? Did you hit somebody? You idiot! I'll get there as fast as I can. Don't do anything else stupid while I'm gone." She ended the call.
I was too stunned by her reaction to even talk. I put the phone back in place and went back to my cell. The next thing I know, I've dozed off.
"Excuse me, I'm here to bail out Jean Kirstein?" I hear Sasha's voice echoing throughout my cell as I sit up. "Alright Miss, I need you to sign here. That'll be $ 50. Since it's his first time and all. Here are the keys to his car, it's parked right outside. Though be sure to remind him that next time he decides to speed through town for no particular reason, I'm adding a zero to the little number and putting his car in the pound. Got it, kid?" Oh yes, please embarrass me like the idiot I am.
"Got it." Sasha smiled sheepishly at the man.
"Come on, let's go pick up your boyfriend." The officer lead Sasha to my cell. She giggles at the officer's statement. "Kid, get up, your date's here." The officer opened the cell door and let me out. "Thank you officer, we'll be going now." I bow lightly and pull Sasha out of the station before any can say anything else.
"I never thought I'd see you behind bars, ever. " She giggles. Sigh.
I snapped at her. I walked out on her. I made her come to a police station in the middle of the night. I am the worst best friend ever. Damn it. "Hey Jean? Something wrong? I can drive if your not feeling up to it yet." She smiles at me.
"Sometimes I think I don't deserve you." I murmur. More to myself than to her. "No shit, Sherlock. Your so lucky I'm in love with you Horse-face." I whip my head around and see her smiling at me bashfully. "Jean, I just said I love you, don't you plan on saying it back?" She holds my hand and giggles. "You love me?" I try my best not to stutter. "As in love, love me? More than food?" I try to calm my voice.
"Do I sound like I'm lying? I just bailed you out of jail for goodness sake and yet you still doubt it when I tell you I love you?" She stared at me as if I just said the weirdest thing in the world. "Aren't you mad? I snapped at you and walked out! I... I don't deserve you. I'm an ass. I have anger management issues. I can't even drive properly without you keeping me in line. I-"
"Stop that. Jean, that's not the first time you've done those things. And even if it was, I still love you. I would've told you sooner if I'd figured out you love me too."
"Wait, I didn't even tell you! How did you know?"
"It didn't take me that long to put it together. When you said you were in love, the most obvious person you would've been in love with was, well... me. Because ever since freshmen year, you had no time to fall in love with anybody else. Turns out, I didn't have time to fall in love with anybody else either. We unconsciously followed each other around for three years. I was just too overwhelmed by it at first, but hey it worked out right? Unless..." She looked at the ground.
"Unless what Sash?" I walk closer to her, hold both of her hands with mine. "Unless I'm totally wrong and just risked our 3 years of best friendship for nothing." She sighed as she leaned her head on my chest.
"What's it like?" I ask softly.
"What's what like?" She looks at me.
"What's it like, loving someone, and not knowing whether they'd ever love you back the same way?"
"Hmm... It's like this. Us. Being best friends. Just being best friends. Hoping. Praying. That someday we'll become more than that. Just, being content with staying by their side. Waiting for them, to fall in love with you."
"Why me though?" She touches the side of my face. "Why not? Dummy." She giggles.
"Hey Sash." I'm going to try a different approach this time. She looks at me with curious eyes. "Ask me I show my love for a person." I keep moving closer until our faves are practically inches apart. I feel her breath tickle my nose again, I smile at the slight blush showing on her cheeks. "Ask me, Sash." I sa in the most seductive voice I could muster.
She gulps. Careful not to move closer to me. "Ho-how do you show your love for someone?" Her breath tickles my nose even more.
"Like this."
I snake my hands around her waist, pull her closer, and close the gap between us. I feel her gasp as her soft lush lips make contact with mine. I feel her hands go through my hair and around my neck as she responds to the kiss with a fervent yearning that I never thought Sasha Braus could ever have. I feel her smile into the kiss and I smile right back. I feel a like I'm on cloud nine. Her lips, I conclude, are addicting. Her tongue, is driving me crazy.
"I love you, potato girl." She giggles and I just tilt her face with my hand to deepen the kiss.
