Irrational
Disclaimer: Any recognizable character is owned by creators, producers, etc., not me
Spoiler: Dispo Day; story follows my fics: The Perfect Place& On the Eve
Summary: A past mistake haunts the present
Irrational
Standing by the kitchen sink, feeling fatigue wash over her and gazing out the window at nothing in particular in the dark, Calleigh startled when she heard the unmistakable sound of keys in the apartment door lock. She turned to check the time on the stove clock. 8:47 PM glowed in green neon. It had been three hours since she had arrived home, three hours for her anger to percolate, three hours for the recent lack of sleep to catch up with her and three hours without word from her husband.
She cast a quick glance in the sink at the remains of the dinner she had hastily thrown together, but didn't have the appetite for and she sighed deeply. Random leftovers she barely remembered, bits of which now sat hardening on her plate and the various containers they had been stored in, she thought she must have been hungry at the time, or perhaps she just needed activity to keep her mind occupied. The compulsive side of her wanted to clean the mess now, but the rational side realized she had neither the energy nor the desire and besides, right now she had something more important to attend to.
Looking at the mess, a brief pang of guilt wedged it's way into her consciousness, right on the heels of realizing she had tossed everything out and left nothing for Tim to eat, but the guilt was quickly crowded out by anger, the dominant emotion these past couple days and that, that was something she was still trying to understand.
'Serves him right,' she thought to herself as she straightened up, briskly turned and purposely strode from the kitchen, the three inch heels of her boots clicking loudly across the tile floor. She nearly collided with her husband as he attempted to make his way into the kitchen, causing her to abruptly stop in her tracks and stand there blocking his entrance.
He sighed loudly, narrowed his eyes at her and simply stood waiting. More disheveled looking than usual, slumped in the shoulders, with fatigue clouding his eyes and dark circles surrounding them, his exhaustion was striking and for a moment she wanted to embrace him and put this fight behind them, but something held her back. He leaned against the door frame as if he could no longer hold up his weight. She knew he'd left early that morning, long gone before she had gotten out of bed at 5:30AM, leaving no note, which both surprised and hurt her. They stood staring at each other, both wondering who would make the first move and what that would be.
That was quickly determined. With her anger coming off her like a scent, she straightened her back, raised herself to her full height, stood with her hands on her hips and looked him square in his tired eyes, her own fatigue now forgotten.
"Do you have anything at all to say for yourself?" she asked, her voice clipped and her tone sharp.
His tired eyes briefly flashed with anger before he quickly pushed by her and made his way to the fridge, where he prayed there would be at least one beer to help him get through this night.
"I'm waiting," she called to his back, trying to remain steady and not let her emotions get the best of her.
He knew she was just trying to start something and that he should resist the urge to give her what she wanted, but she had been pushing him the last couple of days and he had had it.
"Calleigh back off!" he shouted, before opening the procured bottle of precious amber colored liquid and gulping it down, as he leaned against the counter refusing to look at her.
She was momentarily taken aback, he had never raised his voice to her, not once in their nearly seven months of marriage, or ever in all the time she'd known him. In fact, until now, they'd rarely had an argument or cross word with each other. But this, this was more than an argument and it seemed to be taking on a life of it's own.
She couldn't fathom where all her anger was coming from or why she felt like she had no control over it, but there was no disguising it and she knew that's what Tim was reacting to. This behavior was just not like her, she loved Tim, more than anything, but she was hardly acting like it these past couple of days, she was either mad at him or pushing him away, or both. The tension between them was palpable, making her grateful everyone at work had chosen to steer clear, leaving the two them to work things out on their own. But that, that was not happening and the chasm between them was growing wider and wider.
It had been three long days and they were still barely speaking, he was avoiding her as much as possible and worst of all, they were no longer sharing a bed at night, which would account for the dark circles under his eyes and the heavy concealer she used under her own. Remembering the last two nights in bed alone was upsetting, but she maintained her fighting stance and continued glaring at the man in front of her, the same man she promised to love and cherish forever not all that long ago.
"Tim I'm trying to talk to you," she snapped, no longer trying to mask the fury she felt
"No Calleigh, you just want to take shots at me." His words caused a sudden cold shiver down her back, but did nothing to diffuse her anger.
"That's all you want anymore. You stopped trying to talk to me a couple days ago and I'm sick of it. I just want to drink my beer, close my eyes and be left alone, you should have no problem with that," he answered candidly, his voice sounding weary.
"Fine Tim. That will solve everything. Just hide out and avoid any conflict, you're good at that..."
"This 'conflict' is all your doing, if you recall," he interrupted, to snap back.
"My doing?" Her voice was nothing like her usual calm and in control tone.
"How can you possibly say that? This is going on because of your behavior, past and present ...and because... you don't think or care about any one else, especially me..." She said that last part under her breath, but loud enough for him to hear.
His reaction surprised her and captured her attention. He slammed the beer bottle on the counter with more force than necessary, the golden liquid foaming out the top, spilling onto the counter and all over his hand, but he was oblivious to it, his anger now matching hers, coming off him in waves and causing the heat to rise in the small room they were standing in.
"Is that really what you think?" He paused for emphasis. "That's what you've reduced me to? Thanks for your faith in me Calleigh." He shook his head in frustration and in his eyes she saw the hurt along with the anger.
"No matter what I do, you're never gonna let it go, are you?" he asked, his voice now low and raspy. His eyes were fixed on hers, his gaze unwavering, and the emotion in his words and on his face was raw and felt like a knife in her heart.
"You're being completely irrational about this. I did nothing wrong."
She knew what he was referring to, but she couldn't truthfully respond, wouldn't let his words sink in and think about the truth behind them, it was easier to be angry and she allowed his words to further fuel her fire, despite the pain she felt.
"I'm irrational? You did nothing wrong? Are we even having the same conversation?" she asked, sarcasm dripping from each word.
"You call this a conversation? Do you know how many times I've tried to talk to you and had the door slammed in my face? I don't know why I bother to try," he answered harshly, not trying to diminish his temper. He hated being this angry with her, but nothing he did was right and he knew he should leave before he said something he regretted.
"Is this what you call trying?" she responded, continuing to stand directly in front of him as if sensing he wanted to leave.
"Avoiding me, sleeping on the couch, that is, when you bother to come home at all." She felt the familiar prickle of tears behind her eyes but refused to give in to them.
"Are you for real? You asked me to leave our bed, have you forgotten that?" He was shouting again.
"You couldn't wait to leave if you recall and you left in the morning before I woke up without even telling me." A single tear made it's way down her cheek but she ignored it. He wanted to reach over and gently wipe it away but thought better of it under the circumstances.
"You made it clear you didn't want me around." She could see his hurt, could hear it in his voice and she just wanted this to end. Had she really asked him to leave their bed? All she knew was that she missed him terribly, missed him at night, missed him in the morning, missed him right now when he was standing inches away from her, but in reality, further away than he'd ever been and still, she continued to push him away.
"Why are you here at all? I'm surprised you're here now. Where have you been hiding out? Didn't your shift end when mine did? I didn't notice you here when I got home."
"What was I coming home to? A wife that doesn't want me around, who won't talk to me or even tell me what the hell is going on?" His eyes were boring into hers, he had no clue how to stop this train they were on and it was heading some place he was certain they didn't want to go.
"What did you expect after what you said this afternoon?" she asked. She looked to him, as if her heart was broken, which was enough to immediately put the brakes on his temper and make him forever regret opening his mouth.
They had both been at the scene of a home murder, a wife who had been strangled in her sleep, allegedly by her husband, as all evidence pointed in his direction. Alexx was getting ready to check a liver temperature and innocently asked the victim, 'Sugar why would he do this to you? I just can't imagine why, a pretty girl like you.' Tim was making his way past and said under his breath, 'Oh, believe me, I can.' Alexx didn't hear him, but Calleigh, who was standing closest to him, could. He instantly regretted his words, knew it was the worst possible thing he could have said, wounded pride or not, but it was too late. She stood still long enough for him to see the hurt register on her face then she turned and bolted from the room. He quickly caught up to her and apologized profusely but she would have none of it, she walked away and wouldn't speak to him. He made himself scarce for the remainder of the day.
"Calleigh how many times do I have to apologize for that? I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry. It was a horrible thing to say, but I wasn't saying it to you, or about you," he said softly.
"Oh, was it meant for some other wife, Tim?" The tears were so close now she didn't think she could hold them back. She blinked rapidly hoping to ward them off, he had hurt her more than he would ever know, but this wasn't the time to appear weak.
He could see how upset she was, that she was trying to keep from crying and he reached out for her hand. "Cal, I'm so sorry. You have to know I love you more than anything. Please just talk to me, we can work this out," he pleaded, trying to convince her.
She abruptly pulled back her hand as if she'd been burnt, but instead it was he who was burnt, again.
"Why did you even come home?" she asked again, a lump growing in her throat, tears brimming her eyes.
"I don't know." He shook his head. "I don't know anymore. Obviously it was a mistake."
"Coming home or our marriage? Maybe both were a mistake." That statement surprised him, however the way things were going, maybe it shouldn't. But, really, could she really be questioning their marriage he wondered?
"I don't know Calleigh, take your pick." He was tired. He also needed to leave. Now.
He abruptly made his way past her, grabbed his keys off the little table in the hallway and walked out the door, never looking back and closing it behind him with enough force to make it slam far louder than he intended, but it didn't much matter any more.
He disappeared in the blink of an eye, leaving her more determined than ever not to give in to her tears. She had succeeded in pushing him away, from her, from their bed, now from their home, had that been her intention all along? To push him away before he could leave her, is that what she wanted she wondered? Was it supposed to hurt less that way? But Tim didn't want to leave her, she knew that and she didn't want him to go, she knew that, also. So why was she acting so irrationally? Why couldn't she just admit to herself and to him why she was shutting him out, pushing him away?
She knew why, she could see the reason every time she closed her eyes. It was all in her head, it wasn't real, but it shook her to the core and she couldn't shake the fear or the feeling of powerlessness the image left her with and those were two feelings she couldn't abide.
Tim was gone, she was alone and finally she let her tears fall.
tbc
